Sunday, October 23, 2011

You Must Be the Exception to the Rule

. As Sandra L. Brown cautions: “I can’t stress the following enough: Your experience with a pathological man will not be the exception to the rule. A personality disorder is a virtual guarantee against any possibility for long-term change in an individual’s core self.” (How to spot a dangerous man before you get involved, 24) 

I imagine this is what my ex psycho tells all his victims. At least the previous two and present (3rd victim). He and I were together each time he's gotten together w/these other women. They each new about me, yet continued forward with him. Ignoring the glaring red flag that if he can do this to me, lie, cheat, discount me, discard me, and move on to  another w/out even a minute in between than he certainly will do the same to you. I imagine he tells them differently. Of course it's different w/"YOU" - she and I just didn't have the connection YOU and I have. I've just been waiting for the "the ONE". YOU may be it. SHE wasn't. I just didn't have the heart to let her go. I did love her. But, we just weren't "a match."

At  night while he's holding them he'll tell them, I don't hold other women like this. You need to know I usually don't like holding women this way. But, with you it's different. There is just something about you I love holding you. Bla bla bla....yawn...yawn...yawn...

I warned two of the three women what their future would be. I told them who this man truly is. I clearly had no agenda to lie. Nothing to gain. But, he certainly had something to gain by lieing. The women, understandably had to find out for themselves. They weren't going to take my word for it. The tragedy is, by the time they find out for themselves. They are already deep in it. He's got them hooked and they're in a state of....."what is it me?"....why do we seem to be having all these misunderstandings?'ll get'll be different....I know he's not good for me, but I can't seem to break free from him.....They are now in their own hell.
I hate to see anyone suffer that. If I could be like chicken little and run around warning every woman in town "there's a psycho on the loose...there's  a psycho on the loose..." I would. But, I can't. If I did, they wouldn't believe me anyhow. They hope he'll be their prince charming. So, this blog is all I can do. I hope it helps at least one person recognize his/her psychopath BEFORE they are idealized into the next victim.
"So what if he USED YOU to break a trust with a woman he was already seeing? It’s not like they were actually *partners* or anything! She was just convenient for hurting his ex (he set her up really nicely to do that a couple of times), getting attention, an ego stroke, and occasional sex while he was waiting for the *right* woman to show up"

 However, it didn't take long before I suspected he was using me to get back at his ex. He always wanted to make sure I was either w/him or at his house whenever they did their exchange w/the children. Once, on Halloween he and I were taking the kids trick or treating. He didn't typically hold my hand when we were walking together. He certainly wasn't holding it this night. But, I was holding his daughters hand. Suddenly he reached for my other hand and began holding it. This surprised me, and w/in seconds he said to his daughter "There's your mothers car!" I knew what that hand holding was about.

He'd sometimes ask if he could "borrow" my dog on a few occasions when I couldn't be w/him during the exchange. I felt that was odd as well. He had no attachment to my dog. Another flag. He'd talk about what a great dog he was (he is a great dog. :)  My dog is also very friendly and has never met a person he didn't like and/or latch onto. He never went near my ex. My ex equally never made an attempt to ever pet my dog. In 8 years I can't think of a time when I saw him pet my dog. Not to mention my dog never wagged his tale or approached this man when he would come over. If my dog meets you one time for only a minute. He will ALWAYS remember you and greet you warmly when he sees you next. My dog never did this with my ex. Clearly having my dog w/him during his exchange with the kids was another way of letting his wife know not to forgot I'm in the picture.

He'd also tell me how paranoid SHE was and jealous. He feared she'd be watching us through the windows, or hiding in the back yard when we were together. Turns out HE is the one who watches his women through windows and hides in the backyard. He paranoia and jealousy was either fabricated, or created by his constantly telling her about women he's attracted to, or about women that are attracted to him. He did that to me daily. Over time I began to get paranoid as well because I caught him in so many lies and noticed his draw toward anything female. I had never been a jealous person at all before him. But, because of his constant "sizing" up of every female he encountered, "that girls sexy" "She's got a nice ass", "that girl has great boobs" "she's kinda cute" "so and so has an electric smile" and on and on. While he never directly compared me, each time he'd say something like that, I'd feel I was being compared. I began and still to this day fight the urge to compare myself in every way to every female I know or encounter.
He’s got YOU to feed his ego. And breaking her trust was a convenient way to ensure that he wouldn’t have to bother with her anymore and could focus on YOU. He did it so carefully too. (He knows that it’s the series of “gentle” cuts that leave the most stinging wounds.) That way, SHE would be the one saying she didn’t want to have anything to do with HIM, and he could blame HER for why they can’t still be friends. Isn’t he clever? What a creative way to get rid of someone when they are no longer useful!

This is exactly what my ex would do. He'd so cleverly suddenly become extra cunning and hurtful. His exceptionally cunning tongue was the 3rd and final sign that led me to believe he was seeing another women several weeks ago. Leaving me no other choice but to demand he leave me alone. Then he was completely free to be with "her." Of course in the past he always made it back. Stupid me. Believing I was his true love because he always came back! Duh! I was a steady victim supply.

Besides, even if she deeply cared about him, he didn’t have the same deep feelings for her, so that makes it ok to have sex with you, before talking to HER about it, right? He was just so TAKEN with you! Doesn’t that just make you feel all . . . oh, I don’t know –SPECIAL?
BINGO! That is exactly what my ex would do/say to the women he'd court while still with me. Oh so clever!!
(Just a side note):I never understood why the other woman would lie to me and tell me they were only friends and not sleeping together when I'd ask her. If she truly wanted him all for herself, why not be honest with me? Not to mention the fairness of me getting to know I'm sharing my man so I can make a choice whether I want to continue with that or leave, as well as protect myself from STDs. I'd expect my ex to lie. He enjoyed having two women at his disposal.

I felt sorry for his victim of his. I did tell her in the beginning he was manipulating her and using her and be very careful to protect her heart. He convinced her I was trying to hurt her. On the contrary. I don't wish the pain he inflicts on women to anybody. Doesn't matter if I like, respect or even know this person. I know my ex. I know the suffering. I wouldn't want anyone to experience that level of pain and emotional destruction. This woman is happily married now to a man who treats her very well. I'm glad she was able to escape and find happiness. Guess in the end, I was the one asking for trouble because I forgave him for all the lies and manipulation during his time with her, among a zillion other crimes.

Here is the link to the complete article.

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