Wednesday, December 14, 2011

What is Love?

Looking back at an old blog post of mine,  came across these words: 
"If there is no joy, then the love isn't true. True love doesn't cause suffering, or make another person cry all the time. Rather true love, brings joy. If you are noticing the person in your life is bringing you more pain than joy, you must ask yourself "is this true love?"  If it isn't than what is it?"  

In order to know what it is, in order to recognize love you have to have experienced love. You must have seen it, felt it, breathed it in and basked in it. How else can you know, or recognize something you've not experienced? I don't believe you can, unless you have some schema for what love truly is. It is my contention that many of us who became involved with, or are currently involved with a disordered person whether that be of the antisocial category or some other form of disfunction, have come from backgrounds where the illustration of love was somehow amiss. I am a teacher. I have learned and firmly believe the best teacher, the most impactful teacher is experience. Nothing else can match, or top it. You can tell me, I can read about it, you can show me a picture, you can use the entire Websters Dictionary to teach me something.  You can use all the bells and whistles and dance steps you can muster.  You can write me a song, play me a song, write me a letter, show me a video, have me listen to a tape, simulate the thing as best can be done. Yet none of it will top my having experienced it first hand myself. If I've had this thing (whatever thing we are referring to) in this case love, if I have experienced it, seen it in action, watched it happening around me and felt it's arms entranced around me, then I am apt to pick it up, understand it, feel it, seek it and expect no less.

This brings me around to my point. Those of us who have accepted, tolerated, remained in and become a part of a loveless relationship, most likely have experienced the LACK of it(love) before. More often than not, that experience came from our childhood, but maybe not. Perhaps it came afterwards. However, I have not a doubt in the world that if I were to research the backgrounds of victims of abusive relationships I would find a high majority came from difficult childhoods. I myself did. I had wonderful loving parents. But, I also had parents trapped in their own sorrow and pain of some kind. Parents who weren't able to model true love for me. In particular, love from my father. My father was not a loving, kind, or thoughtful husband. He could be quite cruel and unfeeling as a husband to my mother. I saw him having multiple affairs during his marriage to my mother. I witnessed him verbally abuse her on a regular basis. I witnessed her accepting that behavior and shriveling under it's pressure during my childhood. The lack of love was so evident in my household that on the rare occasions that my parents did express love, or affection towards one another, it made me uncomfortable.

Given this example and modeling of behavior I experienced growing up it, isn't any wonder how, or why I became involved in a relationship with a psychopath and accepted virtually w/out question his abhorable behavior towards me. I didn't know any different. This was the sample of love set before me at a very young age. So, how do we know what love even is? What does it look like? Let me tell you. 
A few years ago(when I was heavily involved in the relationship with my ex psychopath) a good friend of mine purchased a book for me titled True Love by Thich Nhat Hanh. It is based on Buddhist teachings and illustrates quite effectively what love is. In the very beginning of our break up this book helped me immensely and encouraged me to accept no less than true love. It helped me understand what love truly is and what love truly is not.

It was one of the first steps, of many more steps to come, that helped nudge me along my journey to recovery.  If you are in a relationship with a disordered personality, or currently recovering from one than get into the frame of mind  that healing will take many many steps, each one beginning with putting one foot in front of the other and choosing to keep walking in a different direction no matter how painful, tiresome, or difficult. You have no idea what glorious pastures lay ahead for you when you do.
So, what is love then? True Love depicts love as having a combination of elements which are as follows:
First of all, love isn't cruelty. Love isn't suffering. Love isn't unfeeling. According to True Love, love is loving kindness in action. In order for a person to love, this person must have the desire and ability to act "loving" and kind toward you. Loving kindness in action would not consist of a push me, pull me attitude which is what my ex exhibited. He loved me, didn't want me. Loved me, didn't want me. Loved me, didnt' want me and so on. He appeared to be almost exhilarated by my turmoil and pain.

The second element of True Love is compassion. again, Hanh defines this as not only the desire to be compassionate, but the ability to be compassionate. As in the form of a verb, action, not just in thought or desire. My ex would often say things like, "Well, I was going to buy you flowers but...." Typically the "but" was because I had done something wrong he was discouraged from caring out this thoughtful act, or deed. Compassion is the desire AND ability to EASE another's pain and suffering. This is very important. Stop and meditate on this thought for a moment. True love doesn't just DESIRE to ease your pain, it WILL ease your pain. It will NOT CAUSE you pain. It will NOT cause you pain. Let me say that once more. It will NOT cause you pain. Intentionally, or otherwise. True love which includes compassionately understanding your suffering and will do what it needs to do to ease your suffering. It will not bring it to you served on a metal hubcap disguised as a silver platter. 

Joy is the third element of love. If your life is w/out joy and this person is doing nothing to bring you joy, then it isn't love. True love not only wants to bring you joy, but according to Hanh it has the ability to bring you joy. To me this translates to w/out question joy will be a part of your life when you are experiencing true love. My ex would often dangle his ability to bring me joy like a carrot before me. Always promising to do this or that, or saying he intended to do this or that, but something had gotten in his way of carrying it through. These empty promises worked by keeping me hanging on for that one would he would actually follow through. Of course that day never came. Hard as it is to see, this person in your life whom you felt loved you, but just doesn't quite know how it show it,  does not love you. In fact this person neither has the desire to, nor ABILITY to bring you joy. Whereas, true love offers joy. True love rejoices in joy!

The fourth element of true love is freedom. In true love you attain freedom. You must love in such a way that the person feels freedom in your love. Although I think freedom comes from within oneself. I don't know that freedom can completely come from another person if you don't already feel freedom within yourself. Even so, if the relationship you are in, or were in brought you feelings of entrapment believing there was no way out, almost as if your feet were frozen, than it isn't/wasn't love. A person who loves you rejoices in your freedom, not in your imprisonment. 
All of this leads me to the question I frequently get asked, "Can a psychopath truly love?" My answer is no. No they can not. Not in the sense I've just described. As I said in the beginning, one must experience a "thing" to know a "thing", in this case love. Psychopaths are unable to bond on an intrinsic level the way a typical fully feeling individual can. They have never experienced loving kindness. For, if it had been offered them, they never felt it, or sensed it in the first place. A person must be able to feel loving kindness to recognize. A psychopath is not able to feel on that level. Their feelings are shallow and limited. They are not able to feel joy, or compassion either. A person must have had experienced compassion in order to offer it. A disordered person can't experience compassion. If you've offered it and they've taken it, they had no idea WHAT they were taking. Hence they can so easily destroy it, take it for granted and throw it away.

If a psychopath can truly love, then they would be able to offer joy. Joy works the same. I can experience joy on a deep level. A pathological personality can not.  They haven't witnessed it, nor experienced it. If they saw joy, they were not able to recognize what it was, it was never intrinsically a part of their fiber the way we know it. This brings me to freedom.

Is a psychopath free? My answer is a resound NO! I think they are the most imprisoned of all. They are in a world that joy, compassion, and loving-kindness can not enter. They see it all around them. But they do not know it, or feel it. Therefor they can not offer it. They can pretend to offer it because they know it's what we want and need. But, when the reality of what those attributes mean, they'll fall short in meeting them. They are in a perpetual search on an unending journey to emptiness. That does not sound free to me in the least. An imprisoned person can not offer me freedom.

My ex would often express to me his confusion over what love "should" feel like. He'd ask me how would a person know when they have it? How do they know when they are feeling it? As a matter of fact, the song at the start of this is one of his favorite songs. "I Want to Know What Love is." When we would argue over his inability to love me the way I understood love to be, he would always say "somethings missing.  I don't know maybe it's missing in me." His search to find true love is unattainable. My search on the other hand is very valid and very attainable.
If there is any question in your mind about the person you are currently with or were with having intended to hurt you, or "accidentely" hurt you look back for these elements of love. Does/did this person treat you with loving kindness? Did/does he/she put your needs above his/her own? Does/did this person bring you joy, laughter, freedom and compassion? If the answer is NO, then quit worrying whether or not this person is or isn't a psychopath, or personality disordered in one way or another. It doesn't matter what this person is, or isn't. What matters is that this person have the desire AND ability to actively love you. Actively loving will always be compassionate. It will always have the ability to bring you joy, kindness and freedom. Take a look at your own way of loving. Do you love YOURSELF in this true sense of love? Are you acting kindly toward yourself? Are you honoring the person that you are by bringing people into your life that bring you joy? Are you keeping those around you who allow you to be free? If the answer is no to these questions, it may be time to make some changes and become free to feel what love truly is. For noone person can bring you true love until you are experiencing it w/in yourself and loving yourself in desire and action. I believe once you are able to do this, leaving the psychopath and recovering from the psychopath will be a much more successful venture. It'll be expidited and more successful when you are truly loved by the one person that knows you best. Yourself.

Saturday, November 19, 2011


A cool crisp autumn afternoon and I'm lounging around the house recovering from a severe cough that has left me too weak to do much else. Doing some channel surfing I come across a movie with Clive Owen and Julie Roberts called Duplicity. While watching it I am reminded of how duplicitous a psychopath is. How duplicitous anything a psychopath says is. As well as how duplicitous a relationship with a psychopath is.

The dictionary definition of duplicity is:

"1.contradictory doubleness of thought, speech, or action; especially: the belying of one's true intentions by deceptive words or action
2: the quality or state of being double or twofold
3: the technically incorrect use of two or more distinct items (as claims, charges, or defenses) in a single legal action"
The first definition "contradictory doubleness of thought, speech or action." This would be the very definition of a psychopath. In the beginning of the relationship when they are in the idealization phase the person they present to you is nothing like the person they truly are. Additionally, the intent of their relationship with you has little if anything to do with the intention they are actualizing before your eyes. If the psychopath is intending a romantic interlude with you, or even a romantic relationship with you their actions, words, speech and thinking is rampant with duplicities. They may present themselves as being smitten with you and wanting to be your everything. If you are a single parent, they'll be the man/woman who loves children and is happy to be there for you to help with watching the children, help with cooking meals, doing homework, or playing catch with the children. At night he/she may be ready to draw you a bubble bath, bring you a glass of wine, pamper and care for you. While in actuality they really couldn't care less about your fatigue, or stress, or feelings of being overwhelmed. In fact they are probably rejoicing in your suffering because it is making the door for them to enter into your life so incredibly easy to walk through. Any gesture, action, or words you hear them speak that appear caring or thoughtful and duplicitous. The only care or thought a psychopath feels is for him/herself. If your psychopath has ever seemed thoughtful, or generous, take a good look at what may have motivated the seemed generosity. For generosity and the psychopath are duplicitous terms. The psychopath is generous to thine own self alone. When I reflect back on some seemingly generous or selfless acts or words my psychopath told me, or did for me I can always trace back a motive. Even if the only motive was to keep me in his life for the next time he needed me for a victim. Had he completely burned our bridges and severed the relationship to a place that would be irreparable he wouldn't have a sure thing lined up in terms of future victim supply. Apparently even the simplest of generosity or thoughtfulness is rampant with duplicity. The entire relationship is wrapped and woven very tightly in a mask of duplicity. The loving relationship I thought I was a part of, the connection I felt with this person and all the moments of intense emotion and passion we shared was duplicitous. I and I alone was experiencing them. What he was experiencing was a series of accomplishments, victories and defeats that were and remain completely about himself. There was never an "us", there never is an "us" with a psychopath.  There's a me against you. There is "I will conquer and destroy you, I will win, I will come out on top, I will have control and power over you." I, I, I, I, I. This is the relationship with a psychopath. There is no "us" in "us". There is "I", victory and defeat for I and I alone in "us" for the psychopath. Very duplicitous. 
The psychopath has been in the practice of living a duplicitous existence since their very first recollection of "self."  As soon as the psychopath is aware of themselves in relationship to a world outside of themselves they are aware of the difference between them and "I." In order to simulate with "them" and fit in with "them" the psychopath has to appear like "them" i.e. us. Hence the beginning of duplicity. They watch, mimic, pretend, learn how to be like the rest of us. Much like the big back wolf learns how to be Grandma in Little Red Riding Hood. Appearing like Grandma is what will get him the meal he so desires. The Big Bad Wolf may be one of the first introductions we as children have of a psychopath. He is extremely duplicitous. He pretends to be Little Red Riding Hoods friend. He pretends to want to help her deliver her basket to Grandma's house. But his real intention isn't to help Little Red Riding Hood at all. His intention is to help himself to whatever it is he wants. 
Another red flag was the self deprecation. A saw this as insecurity and vulnerability. In actuality this too was duplicitous. The focus on his flaws turned out to be more narcissism. It was another way to have his ego fed. When he would ask me if I found him attractive, he'd get to hear exactly what he'd been craving. "Of course you're handsome."  He'd ask me what I liked best about him. What I would rate him on a scale of 1 - 10. He would ask these almost daily for nearly all the 7 1/2 yrs we were together. Duplicity in action. Feigning insecurity when his ego just needed a constant supply of feeding. He never did return the gesture to tell me I was beautiful of course.
When allowing someone to enter into my life I intend to err on the side of duplicity. Not that I'm going to be paranoid and assume everyone is out to victimize me. But, I do intend to make the assumption whenever in question, to error on the side of duplicity until otherwise is proven instead of the other way around. This may mean a person who would have gotten a second chance from me in the past will not in the future. To some this may appear harsh. But when I give it more thought it is not. I have never hurt another person intentionally. I've never done something so thoughtless that it was in complete and total disregard of another's feelings to the degree that it directly hurt them deeply. I've been thoughtless and careless, of course I'm human. I've made attempts to change my behavior and been sincerely sorry when I've hurt someone. But, I never expect them to roll out the red carpet and welcome me back to do it again. I understand I am guilty until I prove myself otherwise. I think if we entered our romantic relationships this way we would avoid, or at least be as safe as we can be from duplicitious people.

Sarah McGlaughlin's Building A Mystery. All about the duplicity in a relationship.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Life In a Bottle

Life in a Bottle is akin to life w/a sociopath. Here is how I relate that...

Life in a Bottle by Linda Perry.  This song was clearly written from the perspective of a person struggling with an addiction to alcohol. However, I can easily apply it being in a relationship with a sociopath. "Fake what you want. Selective Memory." The sociopath fakes every emotion he/she is having. They selectively remember and forget whichever is most beneficial to them. Leaving you bewildered and wondering if you are imagining things.

"Wrap me up and set me free." This is the montra you should be telling yourself.

"Meet my friend, held tightly in my hand..." Your sociopath will HOLD you very tightly!!! You in turn will begin to hold on just as tightly. Something in your psychie begins to convince you that you need this person for your survival.

 "Forgetting what I meant to say..." The merry-go-round verbal sparring will leave you forgetting everything you meant to say.

"Love but to hate, that's just the way it goes. Inch by inch I sink below." The sociopath will love you and hate you. Most importantly they'll hate you for loving them. They'll see your love as weakness.

"Inch by inch I sink below.." little by little they lock you into their world and you won't even recognize yourself after a while.

"And I love I love I love...all my bad company..." Even though you may discover this person is a sociopath and had no real feeling for you. Your love for him/her will be slow to die. You'll know they are bad for you. But you'll find you can't help yourself but want to be with them.

"Stoned and demented. Walking through walls. When I banged my head I slowly fell"
You will begin to feel stoned and demented for the relationship you find yourself in and for the things you've become and the abuse you've learned to tolerate. You'll feel like you've been banging your head against the wall and slowly falling to the ground. But, he/she doesn't seem to notice or care. You can't seem to figure out how to pick yourself up again.

"Sad but delighted. Swimming in my well.

You will feel desperately sad on one hand and so lucky to have this person in your life on the other hand. That is the crazy making. You want so badly to believe the goodness in this person. You'll continue trying to find ways to behave differently so the relationship will find normalcy. They'll give you just enough of what you want to keep your hope and love alive. You'll soon realizing, or at least feel like you are sinking, drowning and you can't seem to find the life preserver.

"I guess I'm going straight to Hell."  You feel damned if you do, damned if you don't. The relationship leaves you feeling lost. Unable to make a move. Every move you make will have a counter affect by your sociopath and you'll be fighting a losing battle. You will actually feel as if you are in the presence of evil. Literally. But, not be able to explain to yourself why.

"And I love, I love, I love All my bad company"  Just as you feel this person is pure evil, he/she will do something so loving and kind. You'll feel guilty for ever having negative thoughts toward him/her. At the same time you will at your core realize this person is very bad for you and it is only a matter of time before your love for him/her completely destroys you.

"So there's nothing left for me to there's nothing left for me to say."

You'll feel at a loss for what to say to this person, to yourself, to your friends for why you are still in the relationship.

So you can see why I feel a connection to this song even though I've never struggled with addiction to chemicals of substances. Nonetheless being in a relationship with a disordered person is addictive. It has the same addictive properties in the wiring of your brain as a chemical dependency does. Hence the difficulty in breaking free. Enjoy this song!! :D

Linda Perry is a brilliant songwriter.

Lyrics are:

Title: Life In A Bottle
Artist: Linda Perry
Album: In Flight (1996)

Life in a bottle
It feels so comforting
Seems like that's my destiny

Fake what you want
Selective memory
Wrap me up, and set me free
Meet my friend
Held tightly in my hand
Forgetting what I meant to say

Love but to hate
That's just the way it goes
Inch by Inch I sink below

And I love, I love, I love
All my bad company
And I know, I know, I know
that's what's meant to be
And I love, I love, I love
All my bad company
So there's nothing let for me to say.
So there's nothing let for me to say.

Stoned and demented
Walking through the walls
When I banged my head I slowly fell
Sad but delighted
Swimming in my well
I guess I'm going straight to Hell
And I love, I love, I love
All my bad company
And I know, I know, I know
That's what's meant to be
And I love, I love, I love
All my bad company
So there's nothing let for me to say
No there's nothing let for me to say

And I love, I love, I love
All my bad company
And I know, I know, I know
That's what's meant to be
And I love, I love, I love
All my bad company

So there's nothing let for me to say
No there's nothing let for me to say

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The Intentions of a Psychopath

Within any relationship with a psychopath it is inevitable that you will eventually begin to notice the relationship has very little of you in it. You likely begin feeling as if everything you do is about your partner the narcissist. You'll discover that where and what you eat is about his needs. When you go to sleep, when you wake up, how you sleep, where you sleep will be the decision of the narcissist. When you watch television, if you watch television, what you watch on television will not be your decision. It'll be his. Whether you stop for a latte on the way to wherever it is you're going is dependent on if he wants to stop for coffee. If you're getting along, it'll be because he has decided for whatever reason he wants you to. If you are fighting, it'll be because he wants to fight. If you're crying it'll be because he wants to see you cry. If you are suffering it's because he wants to see you suffer. It is my belief the the intent of the psychopath IS to watch you suffer. Some contend that the suffering that we as victims experience is a result of the narcissistic personality being unaware of our needs. It isn't because they are intending us to suffer. Rather our suffering is a direct result of whatever needs he needed met regardless of the effect it had on us. I venture to say that may be the case some of the time. But, overall it is evident to me that he enjoys your suffering. He is getting some sense of excitement. He doesn't necessarily feel happiness or joy. But, there is a sense of glee that he can experience. By watching us suffering at his hand he is getting a gleeful rush from that.

Friday, November 4, 2011

What Do Psychopaths Get Out of their Victims?

All psychopaths NEED a victim. However, what a psychopath needs from a particular victim is varied. Their reasons for acquiring victims aren't the same, nor are they the same from victim to victim with the same psychopath. Some just need a victim to keep from feeling the desperate lonely emptiness that is their existence. Some want money, status, power, a trophy, or it may be as simple as just needing a victim. Period. Someone to toy with and keep the mind busy with destroying it.

I know my psychopath thoroughly enjoyed my suffering. He wasn't satisfied until I was adequately, angry, frustrated, sad and depleted of all emotion. Then, he'd feel pretty good and want some attention from me. The challenge of finding new ways to manipulate, destroy, annoy, and batter my emotions was great amusement and entertainment for him. Over time, it escalated, as all abuse does. He needed a stronger and stronger reaction from me. This need forced him to resort to more and more cruel statements and actions. He also would push me further until he'd see me break down with tears and exhaustion. Then he'd let up and back down a little bit and be sweet and loving. This too escalated over time. Before long tears weren't even enough. He had to maintain the misery for longer periods of time. So, once I was crying, he'd still find it necessary to keep emotionally battering me to ensure I was good and destroyed so he could then be my rescuer again. It is a vicious cycle that keeps the victim and abuser in an addictive symbiotic relationship.
 " many instances, such as love relationships or faked friendships, it is not so easy to see what the psychopath is after... we can only say that it seems to be that the psychopath ENJOYS making others suffer. Just as normal humans enjoy seeing other people happy, or doing things that make other people smile, the psychopath enjoys the exact opposite." (The Mask of Insanity)

It stands to reason that at least in part, a psychopath is feeding off of the suffering of their victim. It would seem that suffering is what they get out of their victims. Could this be because they'd "rather feel pain than nothing at all?" Or, could it be because they have generally shallow emotions with the little emotions they do experience that they are desperate for that deeper "feeling" of excitement, or adrenal rush at our expense? A psychopath is literally feeding off of their victims sorrow and anguish the way we relish in the infectious joy or laughter filling a room. They have no reaction to such pleasant feelings. Therefor they are seeking to experience as much of the opposite as they can. Given they need a victim at their side because being alone isn't an option for them, it makes sense to me that having a victim to join them in their downfall of misery at least gives an intense feeling of something, which again is better than nothing to the psychopath.

 One thing we do know is this: many people who experience interactions with psychopaths and narcissists report feeling "drained" and confused and often subsequently experience deteriorating health. Does this mean that part of the dynamic, part of the explanation for why psychopaths will pursue "love relationships" and "friendships" that ostensibly can result in no observable material gain, is because there is an actual energy consumption?

So very true. I often was grateful, along with my misery, when I had been discarded because during the discarding phase the psychopath literally sucks you dry of all emotions. The only way I could see a way of getting replenished again was if I had him out of my life. However, because of the addictive cycle of the relationship, I would then feel a huge sense of emptiness. All that chaos, all that disorder in my life, though I hated it, I had become accustomed to it. My brain had literally become addicted to the rush, deficit, rush, deficit cycle of the relationship. That type of cycling does alter the chemistry of a person's brain. So biochemically your brain is changing, hence your way of thinking begins to change and become disordered in a sense as well.

Manipulation is the key to the psychopath's conquests. Initially, the psychopath will feign false emotions to create empathy, and many of them study the tricks that can be employed by the empathy technique. Psychopaths are often able to incite pity from people because they seem like "lost souls" as Guggenbuhl-Craig writes. So the pity factor is one reason why victims often fall for these "poor" people.

I can't count the number of times I mentioned that I thought my ex was a lost soul, or a broken man. He often seemed like a broken disordered human being. I saw this before I knew anything about personality disorders or psychopathy. It was evident to me early on that something was very wrong with how he saw things. At the same time he had a sort of brilliance to him that I admired. I frequently wished the "man" that I could see he almost was, would just take over. I see that that "man" was the mirage he was creating for me.
It is my belief that psychopaths want to take from their victims what they lack themselves. The are lacking, joy, empathy, love, and conscience. Perhaps it is those very traits they are looking to hijack from a victim. Perhaps the psychopath actually wants these traits to hold onto, in some twisted manner always hoping they will be able to feel that which they can't understand. Maybe it's even simpler than that. They psychopath just wants to destroy what it's envious of and wants to spread their misery because misery does love company so they say.

Here is the link to the entire article:

Thursday, November 3, 2011

On the lighter side Baby Don't Get Hooked on Me.

I don't know. Mac Davis seems to have the makings of a psychopath..  "Baby, baby don't get hooked on me, cuz I''ll just use you and I'll set you free. So, baby baby don't get hooked on me."

"Don't start clinging to me girl cuz I can't breath!"

"Girl I see that look in your eye, I think you're seeing way too much in me.....I'll just use you and I"ll set you free."

"Girl you're a hot blooded woman child and it's warm where you're touching me."  Oh Mac get a grip baby. other words....grow up.  lol. 

"Girl don't let your life get tangled up with mine, cuz I'll just use you I can't take no clinging vine!"  Oh I think this is a psychopaths anthem. ;)

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Emotional Rape

This article explains the cycle of abuse of the psychopath very well!! Down to the minut detail of the psychopath saying something and then denying it was ever said. This used to drive me mad! I'd often say "what do I need to record our conversations to remind you, or prove to you what you said." He would so emphatically deny having said it that I would doubt I heard it while at the same time be 100% sure I heard it. It is truly crazymaking.

They'll deny saying certain things the victim knows for certain they said; they woo seductively and then turn cold and angry causing the source to come running to apologize for some supposed transgression. They are covertly condescending to the source while continuing to rely on their advice. They play with the source like a deep-sea fisherman reels in a sailfish and then lets the line go slack, back and forth until the fish exhausts itself.

The following definition of "rape" seems to accurately describe what it is a psychopath does to his/her victims on an emotional realm. The victim isn't consenting to the relationship with an imposter. They are consenting so physical, or sexual intimacy with the psychopath. They are consenting to be with the facade that is being presented to them of a kind, caring, sensitive, thoughtful human being.

 The definition of "rape" according Rawanda's jurisdictional law is "a physical invasion of a sexual nature committed on a person under circumstances which are coercive".

There is a term for what a narcissist/sociopath does to his victims. It is called emotional rape. It's the systematic and deliberate abuse of a person’s higher emotions without their consent. The victim fully trusts the alluring false self that is presented to them and is made to feel emotions and bonding for the express purpose of being used and discarded. When they give the narcissist the privilege of looking into their soul they never dreamed that intimacy would be abused.

Another great resource to look into if you think you're in a situation with a man/woman who is emotionally manipulating and/or abusing you is this site regarding trauma bonding. I'll be back in the next day or two to write  more about this issue.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Excuses and Empty Promises

This is the hallmark of most psychopaths. They will tell you exactly what you want to hear. They know what it is you are wanting from them and they will deliver. Auditorily speaking that is. They'll tell you all the pretty lies you want to hear to keep you baited for as long as they are satiated toying with you. You're a great source of supply for their narcissistic appetite's as long as you're eating up every word, phrase, syllable, noun and verb uttered from their lips. 

This was certainly my error for many years. I'd believe my psychopath when he'd tell me he was sorry. After all  he seemed so sincere. I believed my psychopath when he'd promise to not hurt me again with lies and deceit. I believed him when he promised me a rose garden. Yes, here I am 8 years later and the garden hasn't been tilled nor a seed planted. I can see dead promises laying all around. Yet, not one promise every took root. Now he's off promising another would be garden tender a beautiful rose garden sure to yield a bounty. She's patiently tilling the soil while he looks on with amusement. The lesson. ACTION!!!! Judge actions, actions, actions. Words are cheap. Words are easy. Words are pretty. Words are full of promise. The thing about promise is that is means something is To often the road of Promise Land is a dead end. Judge it when you arrive. Not when you're promised to one day, maybe get a ride, to maybe, something that might, at some point and time, look like paradise. In that case. It never existed in the first place.

Excuses and Empty Promises
A psychopath does not keep his commitments or obligations. He breaks his word, stands people up, abandons those who care about him at critical times in their lives, cheats with impunity, and makes promises he has no intention of delivering on to get what he wants. Psychopaths may disappear and reappear in the lives of friends and family, causing worry and heartbreak, without ever adequately explaining what they’ve been up to. However, they always have excuses, and it is always someone else’s fault.

Read more at Suite101: How Psychopaths Exploit Others: Modes of Sociopathic Deception and Manipulation |

Monday, October 31, 2011

Sympathy and the Sociopath/Psychopath

Stranger than your Sympathy this is apology
I'm killing myself from the inside
Now my fears have pushed you out.

I wished for things that I don't need
All I wanted
What I chase won't set me free
All I wanted

Yea I get scared but I'm not crawlin' on my knees
Oh yea, everythings all wrong
Oh yea, everythings all wrong
Who the hell did I think I was

Stranger than your Sympathy
I say these things so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
Now my heads been filled with doubt

It's hard to lead the life you choose
All I wanted
When all your lucks run out on you
All I wanted
You can't see when all your dreams are comin' true

Oh yea, it's easy to forget
Oh yea, 'til you choke on the regrets
Yea, where the hell did I think I was

Stranger than your Sympathy
Is all this time you stole from
Now nowhere's home
and I'm all wrong

I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe that I was
I wouldn't be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted

All the talk and all the lies were all the empty things disguised as me.

Oh yea, stranger than your Sympathy
Stranger than your sympathy

Psychopaths and sociopaths prey on SYMPATHY! It's your sympathy that they appeal mostly too.
This was certainly true of my psychopath. 

The most reliable sign. The most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is perversely an appeal to our sympathy. (pg 107 Martha Stout, ph.d The Sociopath Next Door)

Anytime my psychopath felt my affection waining or felt as if he might be losing his "narcissistic supply" he would begin his pity party. Telling me how lonely he is. How much he needs me. How much he misses me. How he just can not make it through another day alone. He went so far as to call me incessantly for months talking to me for hours about how he's wanting to commit suicide. I, as any feeling person would, would then invite him over and agree to spend time with him poor helpless soul.  He repaid me by lying, cheating and messing with my head some more.

Beware of those sympathy seekers. The seekers rarely are the givers of such generosity.

From Psychiatry Times:
Targeting the Vulnerable
Psychopaths are good at spotting exploitable vulnerabilities in others. Many psychopathic scam artists seek lonely individuals and promise them a lifetime of love and partnership. Others target the grief-stricken or those who have suffered a recent setback or breakup and are therefore less apt to look closely at what appears to be a compassionate helping hand. Alternatively, psychopaths may exploit someone’s need to be needed, finding a motherly or fatherly soul that they can milk for sympathy and cash. They are also inclined to marry people with low self-esteem and convince them that they are somehow to blame for any abuse they suffer in the marriage.
The Sympathy Ploy
Psychopaths usually play on the sympathies of others. When people’s empathic responses are aroused, they are less inclined to scrutinize an individual’s behaviour, or they will attribute bad behaviour to an abusive childhood or other trauma. This provokes the sort of nurturing response that enables the psychopath to manipulate and extract what he wants from others. In extreme cases, sympathy and deception are combined as a deadly lure. Serial killer Ted Bundy wore a cast and used crutches to make himself appear harmless and vulnerable to his victims.

Read more at Suite101: How Psychopaths Exploit Others: Modes of Sociopathic Deception and Manipulation |

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Psychopaths are Born Not Made

In some children the very failure to bond is a symptom of psychopathy. It is likely that these children lack the capacity to bond readily, and that their lack of attachment is largely the result, not the cause, of psychopathy. [Hare]

"In other words: they are born that way and you can't fix them.

To many people, the idea of a child psychopath is almost unthinkable. But the fact is, true psychopaths are born, not made. Oh, indeed, there is the psychopath that is "made," but they are generally different from the born psychopath in a number of ways.

The fact is, clinical research clearly demonstrates that psychopathy does not spring unannounced into existence in adulthood. The symptoms reveal themselves in early life. It seems to be true that parents of psychopaths KNOW something is dreadfully wrong even before the child starts school. Such children are stubbornly immune to socializing pressures. They are "different" from other children in inexplicable ways. They are more "difficult," or "willful," or aggressive, or hard to "relate to." They are difficult to get close to, cold and distant and self-sufficient."(The Mask of Sanity)

This stands true of my psychopath. His parents knew something was wrong with him while he was growing up. In fact they took him to several doctors trying to figure out what the issue was. They tried removing red dye from his diet. That made no difference. They tried some sort of therapy that required him to do move his arms or body in some way that was supposed cure him.  They thought he might be ADHD and tried putting him on meds for that. Although he flat out refused to take them so they were never able to see if that might have helped. The buttom line, they knew and know something is different and off about him. I suspect that at least the mother knows he's a psychopath. She talks him out of seeking counseling or treatment when he has mentioned to her he thought he needed it. She often makes comments to him regarding his lack of consideration or thoughts for anyone else but himself. He's told me he use to run away from home and didn't know why. He's told me he'd have such angry hostile outbursts growing up that his parents would have to phone the police. All classic signs of a child growing up as a psychopath. I have to say when I think about the disorder in these terms, I can't help but have some sense of sadness for psychopaths. My ex included. The angry outbursts, the running away, the feeling and realizing you are different than everybody else around you. The sense of emptiness that is felt inside that can not be filled in any way accompanied with the longing to have it filled would account for an angry person/child no doubt.

Though the following documentary starts off talking with a criminal psychopath, keep watching and learning because MOST psychopaths are every day men & women you encounter every single day. You may be dating one, married to one, the sibling of one, the child of one, or the coworker of one.

Their impact on families and communities is devastating. Just as each one of us are different, so are psychopaths. There are degrees of behavior. A psychopath ISN'T obvious. You can not immediately spot them. You can work beside them for decades and not be aware they are a psychopath. However, if you became intimately involved with them you would be very aware that at the least something was different, off, not quite right with them. Most likely you're also aware that this person can be cruel, spiteful, mean and cycle between this and kindness. Giving you the impression that you are dealing with a Jekyll & Hyde personality.

Interesting that my ex psycho often told me he would pick fights with his brother just because. He just felt like fighting. So, he'd mess with his brothers head, get him upset, play with his emotions, just because he felt like it. Same manner he dealt with me. Good fun for him at our expense.

**This is an outdated documentary. Some update. Psychopaths are known to be 1 in 25, not 1 - 100.

I don't think my ex is a killer, but he does have many of the same features that OJ Simpson does. Most people don't think there is anything wrong with him. Most people, even those close to  him will only see his superficial charm. However, those who are his lovers, and intimate partners as well as friends and family members of those partners are very well aware of the dangers of this person.

They psychopath in prison that seemed to appreciate John Lennon, Willie Nelson and other seeming signs of emotion and connection. I at time struggled with how could my ex appreciate music, films, or tv programs that pulled at your heart strings. I still don't understand how the psychopath can be interested in these things, yet no feel any connection to another person outside of themselves.

Often my ex would appear extraordinarily confused. He would even say, "I'm confused!" when we would be talking about events, or issues that dealt with emotions and feelings. It always seemed so odd to me how he could so easily be confused by things so obvious. I felt he was faking it to avoid discussing the issue. I now see that he may very well have been truly confused.

My ex frequently told me he felt something was missing in him. He believed his brain didn't work right. He'd mention numerous times a week how his brain was different from other peoples. He seemed perplexed and confused by his own behavior.

I'm not sure I agree that medical treatment is changing the entire person. I would argue that it is making an incomplete person complete. How would it be different than giving someone who is bipolar or schizophrenic medication? It does seem that a "brain chip" is more radical than taking a pill. But, if the chip wakes up the part of the brain that's asleep than I would argue that it is correcting a malfunction and not altering a personality.

Silence is Divine (Fear Will Keep Us Together)


Be still. Breathe. Listen.

Life isn't about being smooth, it's about being authentic. Sometimes we get so busy setting standards for others, holding expectations for situations, others and ourselves that we create inner turmoil that clouds who we authentically are and what reality truly is.

Be still and breathe.

Underlying that need to control situations, people and what's happening around is fear. Fear of sitting with discomfort, fear of being alone, fear of emptiness, fear of not knowing what to do or say. This fear, if we allow it to live in us keeps us in turmoil and prevents us from fully living and experiencing life. Therefor it's important to become a witness to your own situation. To be still and listen to the fear. Introduce yourself to it, welcome it in, and embrace it so you can see it clearly, hold it and release it.

By being still. Sitting with the uncomfortableness, slowing down, sitting with the fear you allow yourself to observe how it's controlling you. You'll be able to soften it's grip or hold on you. Reflect on your motivation and you'll be able to find the source of your fear. It is your ego that holds the fear. Your ego is motivating the fear. Look through your egos story so you can see yourself undistorted and clearly. So much better to meet your fear, introduce yourself to it and send it on its way then to allow it to guide you off your path.

So, how does this all apply to living single? Well, it makes me think of how when we're single we often strive to improve ourselves so we can attract a worthy mate. We strive to become a worthy partner, so we can attract a worthy partner. All the self help books we read to become a magnet to attract a wonderful man/woman that we devour can actually send us off track, because all this focus on attracting the right person is motivated by fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of feeling empty without a partner to fill us up, fear of being alone and not having someone to care for us, fear of not "feeling" love or loved. To solve this we often fill our minds with all the self help books we can get our hands on geared toward helping us find a mate, which results in self improvement for the purpose of another. Improving oneself for the benefit of another is no longer about "self." It's again another form of doing and being what someone else might want.
The goal and purpose to improve oneself is to live a richer live and fulfill our purpose whether that is done single or in a partnership. The goal is to meet ourselves. To say to oneself "Nice to meet you. This is ME."

To find our authentic, wonderful, marvelous self is to get to the hear of "I", "Me." The goal isn't to "partner up" because this goal is driven by fear. The goal is to partner with self. However, the outcome of finding oneself and being truly authentic to who you are will make you a person others will want to be around. It will draw people to you, friends and lovers. So, the outcome of living authentically will be that the man/woman of your dreams won't resist wanting to be in your company. But, it's not the purpose of being authentically you.

Being in a relationship may be my preference. Life IS richer when it's shared, there is no doubt about that. But finding a partner isn't my daily purpose. Finding myself is. Finding out who I authentically am and meeting her minute to minute, day to day is my purpose. The outcome of that may be that then others who are living their life authentically, unclouded and sharing themselves without masks will be drawn into my path. But the goal of being on the path is to improve my life, to get to know myself and find out all I can about who I am, not about who someone else is. God has created me with thoughts, interest, and desires. It honors him when I value and honor who I truly am.

For today, I intend to practice minute to minute, day to day, letting go of standards and expectations I may have for somebody, or something else and just be still. I intent to slow down, breath and listen more. I'll practice being silent and listening to my motivation. When I can find the source of my motivation, I'll be able to see myself more clearly and know if I'm acting out of fear or if I'm grounded in realness. If it is fear that is motivating me then I intend to greet my fears with arms wide open. Look them straight in the eye, smile at them, and give them a fine "How do you do?" I may even shake fears hand, hold it in my arms for a brief time, feel it, smell it, embrace, then politely nod and say "ba bye" and send those pesky ole' fears off on their merry way.

In those moments when your thoughts drift to the "love" you thought you had w/your previous psychopathic lover/spouse. Look deeper into yourself.

Be still. Be silent.

Let your inner self come out of hiding. If she's frightened. Introduce yourself to her fears and see them for who they truly are.

Illusions. Illusions of nothing.

Be present in that very instant. In that very moment. What's harming you? Nothing. Memories of a lie that is trying to eat you alive? It's all smoke and mirrors. No such memory exists. It never existed. in the first place. Whatever it was you thought you found in that illusion isn't there. The love, the warmth, the smiles, the security you thought you knew during that time, was an imagery. It came from w/in you. No one else brought those to you. It's in you. Now she's just waiting for you to let her out so she can introduce herself to you and tell you not to worry. She's got it covered. She has everything you need to meet your every desire. She is highly capable of taking care of you. Nothing to fear in her presence. She's strong, loving, adaptable, charismatic, intelligent, whimsical, capable, talented, and wise. She is you.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Unexamined Woman

Some traits that women who love psychopaths share:

Dr. Vaknin writes...
“It is possible to have a relatively smooth relationship with a narcissist, and it's possible to maintain it for a long time. The first requirement for this, though, is distance: this simply cannot be done with a narcissist you live with. Given distance, or only transient and intermittent contact, you can get along with narcissists by treating them as infants: you give them whatever they want or need whenever they ask and do not expect any reciprocation at all, do not expect them to show the slightest interest in you or your life (or even in why you're bothering with them at all), do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings, do not expect them to take ordinary responsibility in any way. But note: they are not infants; infants develop and mature and require this kind of care for only a brief period, after which they are on the road to autonomy and looking after themselves, whereas narcissists never outgrow their demands for dedicated attention to their infantile needs 168 hours a week. Adult narcissists can be as demanding of your time and energy as little babies but without the gratification of their growing or learning anything from what they suck from you. Babies love you back, but adult narcissists are like vampires: they will take all you can give while giving nothing back, then curse you for running dry and discard you as a waste of their precious time. “It is also essential that you keep emotional distance from narcissists.”

Ten Do's and Five Don't Dos if you INSIST on Staying with Him
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Tips – by Sam Vaknin, PhD
The preceding quote couldn't be more accurate. I often would equate my psychopaths personality to that of a child. As his own son became about the age of 12 I recall how evident it was that his son was more mature than he was. Even when his son was only 7, I can recall moments of thinking they acted exactly alike and had the same way of responding and reacting to things. I'd often hear from both of them, "I didn't do anything!", or, "you're saying that for no good reason!" as they'd stomp off in a huff. The 7 year old would say that if he were redirected and the "man" would say that if he noticed I was getting frustrated. But, even when I wasn't. Sometimes the "man" would just start saying that and I'd be left wondering what give him the impression I was upset about something? Apparently he'd done something that he hoped would provoke me and was then beginning to build his case about how wrong I was to feel provoked. I heard this mostly in the very beginning of our relationship. I believe this is because he was figuring out what my buttons were. He must have been incredibly frustrated when he was all prepared for the thrill of seeing me hurt and upset, yet I didn't realize I was supposed to be. My ex psycho was then forced to resort to even meaner tactics to get the result he was looking for, making him appear even more infantile and self-centered.

Dr Samvak is himself a narcissist (a form of psychopath), so he knows them more intimately than you, or I will ever have the displeasure of knowing. His assertion that they will take everything from you, and return nothing in kind, is absolutely accurate. Psychopaths have only one concern, that is that their every need and whim be met instantaneously and w/out question. They expect you to have no needs of your own. If you do happen to have a need for something like, oh I don't know, maybe some consideration for your feelings at the very least, you'll be highly disappointed. In fact quite the contrary. The one thing the narcissist will do that a baby doesn't do, is intentionally hurt you as often and as deeply as possible for "no good reason."

In the book The Unexamined Victim, Women Who Love Psychopaths, the author explains what a psychopath is looking for in a victim. They psychopath doesn't start off the relationship acting as the above quote from Dr.Samvak describes. If they did I doubt they'd ensnare as many victims as they do. Perhaps an occasional victim with low self esteem and little self worth who doesn't feel that he/she is very important themselves. But, that sort of victim is little thrill for the psychopath. They prefer victims who have a good amount of self worth and esteem. It's much more fun watching them crumble at the masters hand, then to watch an already defeated victim remain defeated.

The relationship of a psychopath has a pattern to it. There is the initial "wooing" stage which is something called the "luring" stage, or the "idealization phase." This is when he/she puts on the show of their lives for you.  They read you like a scrip from a theatrical film and you are the character they'll be playing. They're studying you to see what your likes/dislikes are. They are ascertaining what it is you're looking for, needing, or lacking in your life. They'll then begin the process of putting on their academy award winning performance of becoming the very man/woman of your dreams. "All the better to ensnare you with my pretty." I can imagine them eerily saying to themselves as they begin their ascend into your life. If you are someone who enjoys dancing, and the night life. Well, that is what they'll become. Someone who loves to go out to the clubs and dance those little twinkle toes off.

So, you see in the beginning it can be difficult to recognize a psychopath and a person has to be vigilant in noticing the signs early on to avoid a vicious snare waiting along the path. I love Dr. Phil's quote, "the best predictor for future behavior is past behavior." If he/she has a string of broken relationships in his/her past. Chances are, you'll be another in  a long line of victims the perpetrator has left in their wake.

So, what does the perpetrator look for in a victim? How can you protect yourself from being a tempting target? In the book The Unexamined Victim - Women Who Love Psychopaths, the author studied common traits and characteristics of victims specifically of psychopathic lovers. It turns out we are a breed of our own w/some distinct features not found in victims of other crimes such as rape, domestic violence, assault and so on. I'll cover the information from the book in the coming days. For at the moment it is 3:49am and I need to be up for work in a few hrs. Time to get some shut eye before the morning light.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Closing the Deal

So true what this documentary states about psychopaths liking empathetic women/men because empathetic people share resources!!! My psychopath expected me to provide food, and child care, house cleaning duties and service his sexual needs. That was my purpose.

They also say (not in this video) psychopaths like to take things. Not because they need them, but just because they can. My psychopath would take my reading glasses home. He didn't need them. He didn't wear glasses. He just liked taking them. He also would take things like my coffee cups. Odd I know. But, he would just take them. He'd take books, money from my dresser just about anything he could grab quickly. I think this is just for the thrill. Psychopaths get bored easily. Taking something might be a quick rush.

The Other Side of the Coin

My emotional side doesn't want to judge the predator that a psychopath is. I've been a victim, yet I still struggle between empathy, compassion, understanding and judgement.

The trouble is we the victims, are filled with emotional memories that linger long after the robot of destruction moved on to destroy their next target. It’s those lingering memories that I’m at odds with so often. I can clearly see how his current victim is dupped. I’ve known him 8 years. I think I know him as much as anyone can know a psychopath. I know all his evil and all his seemed goodness.I have a difficult time dismissing his ‘gentel sensitive’ facade, even in the face of every evil, cruel deed he did or malicious word he said. I’m living daliy with the after effects. He’s moving on in the blink of an eye living this new life onto his next thrill w/absolutely no thought of me. Perhaps other than wondering if he might be able to somehow come back for a fix of dominance on occasion.I am left to wrestle with the past emotional turmoil alone.

I often supsected, but never even allowed myself to follow through with this thought because it seemed unreal to me. But, now I see it as compeltely and totally valid. My ex married his ex wife for the sole purpose of hurting her and getting even with her.

They met as teenagers and w/in 2 weeks(he’s changed the story a few times, 2 weeks a few months give or take) they decided it would be a great idea to have a baby! He says she used him to get pregnant.Yet he also says it was both their idea. Anyhow, she got pregnant very quickly in their courtship. Only weeks later he said something, he doesn’t recall what it was (according to him), or she just on a whim decided she had used him for his sperm and now she was off in hiding with his child. She disappeared for 3 years. He claims to have looked for her all 3 years, but wasn’t ‘able to explain how he went about doing that. Anyhow, 3 – 4 years later he and his brother are on an airplane flying back from college to their hometown. When suddenly a little boys head pops up from the seat in front of him and looks back at him smiling. His brother mentions how much that child looks like my ex and says to him he thinks that is the child his previous girlfriend had. Low and behold he peeks around the corner and there is the ex gf sitting on the same plane, same flight heading to the same place with his child. This is one of the 1st stories he tells his victims to establish what a sensitive dad he is. He tells it with great emotion and sentiment. I’m sure I recall a tear or two during his story telling with me. Well, not long after they begin dating again. He told me once, he had forgiven her and years later that he hadn’t for running off with his child. They courted. (HIS explanation) He never loved her, but she planned this wedding. He didn’t’ propose to her. She didn’t propose to him. Not really. She just planned the wedding and he just showed up. Oops. He got married and didn’t know what happened. (again this is HIS version) so here he is married to a woman he didn’t even love. But, to be a good dad and do the right thing he did it. He chose to stand her up the night of the rehearsal dinner. He doens’t know why. He just thought it’d be fun to go gambling instead. Then he didn’t kiss her on their wedding night because he was still mad at her for running off for more than 3 years with their child. Oh, he did have sex with her. He needed sex. But, she didn’t deserve to be kissed. Besides he didn’t love her. Kissing is too special to be wasted on someone you don’t truly love. Even your wife. Moving ahead, she gets pregnant again. Using him again, poor duped fellow because she wants a sibling for their son. Well, w/in a yr 1/2 she’s had the second baby. But by now, they are in seperate bedrooms, hers with a lock on it to keep him out. He’s shocked that she’s asked for a divorce.
Because she’s working and he’s a stay at home dad but she wanted him to make some $ as well. Such a demanding witch. He being the “good guy and good dad” decided to make her happy and begin substitute teaching. But she still wasn’t happy. He didn’t make enough $.See how demanding she can be? Now she wants a divorce. Therefore he’s decided she’s a lesbian, has post pardem depression and is bipolar Why else would a women married to him be unhappy? (Gosh I should have written the story up when I first heard it. It all seems so clear to me today, seeing here in print!)I’ll end there.

The story continues through the divorce and custody battle which is when I met him. I’m now clearly convinced he married her strictly to imprison her. Inflict the most amount of torture he could, force her to leave them then attempt to take the children from her through a custody battle. It is so obvious!! I even helped him get custody (joint). What an efin fool I was!!!! He was court ordered to take a parenting class before the courts would consider granting him even the opportunity to apply for joint custody, which he chose to do on line. Well, all that caring parenting stuff was too difficult for him to make sense of. I was a smart woman and such a great writer who could do a much better job taking that class for him so he could get custody. He buttered me up into taking that stupid class for him.

This story just illustrated for me how psychopaths live in a whole other realm than we do,  having no conscience, or empathy and desiring only to destroy all that is good.  He had no other motive but to make her suffer as greatly as possible. Marrying her, torturing her and taking the one thing she loved more than anything, her children was his perfect solution. I always found it odd that he spoke so much about how important being a dad was to him. Yet, the weeks he had his children, I was the only one there taking care of them. He was off doing other things. Even when he was home, he was checked out. I spent time with them, tucked them in, read them bedtime stories, held them, fed them, did their homework with them as they got older.When they cried in the middle of the night it was for me, not for him. It felt like the custody was between his ex wife and me not him. I was so niave!!!!  Pure egocentrical evil.

Never Judge a Psycho until You Walk in His/Her Shoes

Okay, I'm not a dr, or a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist or counselor. I haven't written a dissertation on psychopaths, or sociopaths. I haven't spent years researching, interviewing, or reading medical journals on the topic. What I have is first hand intimate experience from having been in an on/off relationship with a psychopath for nearly 8 years. This first hand experience, in my opinion, gives me insight and depth of knowledge that journals and research papers can't even come close.

I'm sitting in my living room listening to music. Suddenly I realized how bombarded we, (human beings) are with images, songs, movies, television programs, conversions, books, magazines, literally everything  in our world revolves around connecting, bonding, loving and feeling emotion. Deep, meaningful, passionate emotions are the things that make us feel human. They are the things that make us feel connected, spiritual and joyful. I happened to think how frustrating and maddening it must be to live a life unable to access or understand that which makes us human. That which brings joy, That which enhances, enriches, and essentially makes our lives worth living. The very things (emotions, connecting) that make me feel alive a psychopath has no concept of. They only pretend to experience them because anyone beyond the age of 24 hrs is aware.  People feel. I(psychopath) don't. I am different, very,very, very, different. From the very beginning of existence a psychopath begins learning to mimic and mirror that which can not be internally, or intrinsically experienced.  I can not imagine, I simply can not imagine going through this life day to day w/out such emotions.

You've heard the saying "I rather feel pain than nothing at all?" I'm pondering this statement in relationship to my psychopath. It became very, very clear to me fairly early on in our relationship that he seemed to enjoy pain. He enjoyed it when I was in pain, and seemed to wallow and relish in his own pain as well. Therefor I"m asking myself does the psychopath in some distortred way think we (victims) are somehow enjoying being on this rollar coaster of chaotic cycling of meanness, kindness with them? Do they astonishingly think they are giving us a gift in making us feel pain because it is the only thing that can bond them with us? It is the only emotion we can each understand and share?  I can imagine the psychopath could be thinking: I'm lonely, shallow, angry, sad, full of sorrow let me share this gift with you. It's the only thing I can give you. I"m unable to bring you  joy or love. Here, let me hand this to you instead, so you can share in my experience. We'll go through this together you and I. This will bring us closer together. It will bond us.

Numerous times my ex psychopath would have me feeling, or thinking that he viewed me as a robot w/out emotion or feeling. He could hurt me so callously. He could disregard me as if I mattered no more than the mosquito buzzing around the back yard. I can remember on more than one occasion when I was with he and his children he would fix a meal for HE and HIS children. He'd turn to me and say sorry, I didn't have enough for you. You aren't hungry are you? I'd often ask him if he realized I was a human being w/feelings, that I actually mattered and my feelings actually mattered. He'd either not repond are kurtly reply "yes."

If it is true, and brain scans of psychopaths do show that it is, that a psychopath does not hold the capacity in his/her genetic, physiological make up to feel any empathy whatsoever. The psychopath's brain can not recieve signals to experience joy, love (the kind you & I feel/know), empathy, or any of the real emotions that seperate a human from a flea. The negative emotions that are felt, are shallow. So, everything the psychopath is capable of feeling is condensed and watered down from the type we experience. This explains why they are known as the "calm" in the storm. They are the one's that may appear to be handling a fearful, stressful, excited situation w/strength and ease. When in actuality, they just don't care so much. It's of no consequence to them. Unless of course it will affect them in some way. They are completely results oriented. The ends justifies the means. If they can see an end of negativity affecting them, they may appear to react w/some emotion.

I do know what pleasant loving, joyful emotions feel like. I've experienced them. Felt them deeply. If they were gone, I don't think words can adequately describe the void, the hollowness within my spirit that would be felt. What must the life of a psychopath be like? What is it like to live in that world where as a human, I'm not able to access the best part of being human? I can only access that which is negative, painful, sorrowful, angry and shallow? I don't have the answers. I do know that it does help me fully understand why most psychopaths were angry as children and often were in trouble with the law. I simply can not in any manner pretend to know what that existence would be like. You're growing up and discovering a world that you can only partially access. There is nobody you know that is like you. No one can understand what your living, nor can you understand what another is living. That part is the worst part of the world to boot. Are psychopaths not human? Are they not creations of God (if you believe in such things)? Are they not as worthy of all life as to offer in the same manner that we "normal" people are?

I am not excusing their deceitful lifestyles. I have been a victim of such a person for too many years. My experience is one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Psychopaths have and do commit much worse atrocities than what I experienced. However, what I experienced was killing me literally. I have no doubt had I stayed in it any longer it would have killed me. That is the goal of the psychopath. Find the most worthy, virtuous victim for the gleeful challenge of conquering and destroying. They destroy lives. There is no goodness in them. At least to any meaningful degree.  Their entire existence is self serving.  They could care less about you or I. They care greatly about themselves.

So how do we as a society deal with such a phenomena? Human beings who deserve and are worthy of love and happiness for the mere fact that they exist. They are here. The are alive. They are meaningful. If you are spiritual and believe all human life has value regardless of it's deficit, then what do you do about a group of people, 1 in 25 is heartless, free of conscience and lives a life completely and totally revolving around themselves and their own interests?  I don't have any answers. I wish somebody did. I do not think psychopaths crimes should go unnoticed or w/out consequence. But, if they truly are unable to keep themselves from toying with their victims can we judge them? Is this a mental illness in the way bipolar, or schizophrenia is? Do these predators need treatment? Currently there isn't treatment that works. Shouldn't we (as a society) demand a treatment be found? These deviant criminals are spreading destruction everywhere they go. They are in a world they will never feel a part of.

The other side of the coin. Are they too narcissistic to even care? What does matter? We need to protect ourselves, our friends and our communities from these vicious predators. But, who protects the predator from him/herself? How can a life be made for no other purpose than destruction?

Do we offer them love and companionship at the sacrifice of ourselves? Who is meant to care for, love and bond with a psychopath?

Monday, October 24, 2011

Why Do We Stay For All That Abuse?

"For sociopaths, control is like a drug; it's what drives them; it's like cocaine to their system. They need a victim. They need to have someone to control. So they create that victim through charm. Just knowing that they can always get back this person, even when they heap hurt upon hurt on them somehow boosts whatever's missing for them, whether it's a self-esteem issue or not. They thrive on having their behaviour go unpunished."
For a sociopath/psychopath the need to have a victim to control is insatiable. They are master con artist. They appear to be the "boy next door", the suave business man, the romantic artist, they put on a show to become the person they know you're longing for. How do they know who you're longing for? Some say psychopaths have a 6th sense.Ted Bunday for example said he could spot a victim in 6 seconds by the tilt of her head when she walked. I don't think a psychopath has to be a violent killer to master this technique. They all have it.  Amazingly how they are emotionally immature and shallow, yet they can read our deepest desire and thoughts like Kreskin. They've been doing it since birth. By the time a psychopath reaches adulthood he/she has a a lot of practice pretending to be something he/she is not. It's a matter of survival for them. A fresh live victim is their life's blood. Therefor it's primeval and instinctual to read you like a book and become what it is you want. Be vigilant in reading the subtle signs in the beginning. Some things simply can't be pretended away. If you know what to look for. I'll tell you what a few of those things are later in this post.

Mine would use sympathy. He would pretend to be so sad and lonely w/out me. He would flatter me and hold both my hands all night long while we slept. He'd tell me he doesn't hold other woman at all. He doesn't like to cuddle, except with me of course. I'm the exception because I'm special. At the same time he would rarely kiss me and tell me it's because he didn't love me enough. Kissing was just too special and saved for the woman he would marry. I would get incredible mixed msgs. In one breath, "I love you." The next breath I'd get, "I can't kiss you."  Then the next breath "I only hold you this way. You are different than every other girl I've been with. There is something special about you." followed by "you're not special enough to marry, though I do love you."  Can you see how confused a person can be?

Perhaps his best ploy though was to play on my empathy, which is the very reason he chose me in the first place. The more empathetic, moral and virtuous the woman, the more intense the challenge to conquer her and destroy her. She'll fall harder than someone whose already low.

Hope is eternal. Let's face it, we all want love. We all want that special person to spend the rest of our lives with.  The psychopath is aware of this. The person he/she pretended to be, the illusion he/she created is what becomes that person you're longing for. So, when the bait and switch happens and you realize this person next to you is not who you initially began dating, you fool yourself with your own memories. You see this person through those eyes of the intitial courtship. You are sure at some point that person will return. He/ she won't. He/she never existed in the first place.

The sympathy and build me up ploy. I was asked several times each day, what do you like about me? Do you like my eyes? Do you like  my lips? What's your favorite thing about me? What would you rate me on a scale of 1 - 10? I at first thought this was insecurity talking. In hindsight I see this was his way of feeding his ego. Tell me, tell me, tell me all the things that are wonderful about me!!

He spent a great deal of time telling me how he lacked confidence as well. How he didn't think he was attractive enough, smart enough, or charming enough to lure women. Of course I would always reply with compliments. Ego "Feed me, feed me feed me!!! Yet that is exactly what he did, continually. Lure women.

No woman likes to see her man cry. Now if you accuse your man of horning you or behaving inappropriately, and he doesn't want you to leave, he does several things, the top one being... cry. Now if he starts to boohoo like a big baby, with snatty nose and the whole works, you're more likely to dismiss his show. But when a man puts down a Denzel Washington tear a la John Q, something in your heart breaks, and you forgive him. In the back of your mind, you know something's wrong... very wrong, but how can you say no to such tightly wound up, deep emotion?

So how do you spot them early on if they are so good and charming? Remember, they are pretending to be someone they are not.  They are pretending their emotions by mimicking and mirroring yours. You can cut to the chase by delving into deep emotional self reflective topics early on. Like date 1 or 2!
Ask him/her to reflect on past relationships.Sociopaths hate to talk about their emotions, because they have none. They aren't incredibly deep thinkers or largely self reflective. They don't have the capacity for it. If your psychopath is in the idealization phase and is pretending to idealize you and he intends to keep you his victim for a period of time, he may attempt to play along and discuss feelings and emotions of prior relationships. If he's already conquered you and he's in the devalue stage, good luck getting him to talk about anything that isn't his agenda. Let's say for arguements sake, he/she's agreed to delve into prior relationships with you. Here are some good questions to start with.

Where did he/she go wrong? How did he contribute to the relationship not working? 
Did he feel the same in the beginning of the relatioship as he did in the end?
If he says yes, that's a red flag. If he knew from the start the relationship would go nowhere why drag it out and string the poor girl along building her hopes and letting her love grow only to leave her in the end? That act alone shows a man who is not empathetic to the needs of those he claims to care about. He was feeding his own need by keeping her around until she was no longer useful, then discard. Classic psychopathic behavior.
Did he lead her to believe otherwise?
Did he actually marry her?
If so, how are you to know his intentions with you are sincere?

Does he have a string of prior short term, or toxic relationships? If so, red flag.

How does he talk about prior relationship's? Does he show much emotion? Does he conjure up plenty of "ummm's"  If so, another red flag. Psychopaths have difficulty talking about or recalling emotions for several reasons. First they don't have any. If they do have some, they are limited and shallow. Second, their memories aren't based on emotion like ours are. Their memories are based on strategic goals, and neutral win/fail occurrences. Psychopaths operate purely on a cause and effect basis. Every action they take, every word they say is for a specific purpose designed to create an effect of some kind. Most often the effect of creating an illusion to you of who they are. If you are in the devalue stage, you are already sure you're dealing with someone who clearly is "off" in some way. A psychopaths entire existence at that point is cruelty and pain dished out at your expense. They are working on getting you to eventually leave them because of the cruelty they inflict. By your leaving them they are completely absolved of any responsibility for the break-up. At least as far as they see it.
Is your man/women a blame gamer? Does he/she have to assign blame to someone for something that went wrong. If so, who is to blame? Why assign blame?

If you're lucky enough to get "references" from prior relationships. Talk with them. Ask them about their experiences in the relationship. Would they set that person up with their best friend? Why? Why not? After all who better to know what this person is like the another who was in your shoes at some point and time.  Granted you may not know these people well either. You may not trust their integrity. But, if you talk to more than one and you get similar stories. That's a red flag that is waving high, loud, and long!

You can also bring up topics of politics, religions, introspection, these are all difficult topics for the psychopath to relate to. Depending on what phase relationship is in, he'll either humor you (idealize phase) yet if you probe for deeper thinking you'll see him/her become flustered. If you're in the devalue phase you'll get resistance to even discuss the topics. Most likely you be verbally abused for how inept you are in these areas therefor not worth your psychopaths time to even attempt discussing such matters.

Lets Talk About Sex

Our sexuality and sexual habits are an extension and expression of our psychological make up as well as our personality. It is also a good barometer for measuring the likelihood of your significant other being, or not being a psychopath.

Just as all people are unique and different, so are psychopaths. Yes, they all have very common traits that set them apart from the rest of society. But, they also have traits and characteristics expressed w/in a realm of various categories of psychopathy. As in many attached labels to any group of people there will also be crossovers. One person isn't 100% narcissistic, or 100% paranoid. Rather degrees of these attributes are present in varying levels w/in an individual.

"Inevitably, the sexuality of patients with personality disorders is thwarted and stunted. In the Paranoid Personality Disorder, sex is depersonalized and the sexual partner is dehumanized. The paranoid is besieged by persecutory delusions and equates intimacy with life-threatening vulnerability, a "breach in the defenses" as it were. the paranoid uses sex to reassure himself that he is still in control and to quell is anxiety" Read more at Suite101: Sexual Behavior: Sex and Personality Disorders |
This was how my ex viewed sex, as a way to quell his anxiety. Sex with him was very impersonal and he always needed to assert himself as being the one in complete and absolute control.
He always had to be doing, or saying something to alienate me, anger me, or push me away, or completely discard me, only to turn up sometimes minutes later, sometimes hrs, other times days later- wanting sex. This was foreplay to him. He could keep his illusion of having conquered something(someone) and recycle that behavior and person in the same manner again and again. After about the 6th year it would get so bad that he would be incredibly cruel, make being in his presence intolerable, so I'd either insist he leave, (if we were at  my house), or I'd decide to leave if I were at his home. My ex would then phone me w/in 3 minutes to tell me how he missed me, didn't want to be w/out me, doesn't know why those things came out of his mouth, it's all his fault and would I please, please, come back. He'd promise to light candles, get some wine, put on some nice music, literally whateve it was that he knew I wanted from him - he'd then dangle like a carrot to entice me. Of course rarely if ever were these promises followed through.

 "The somatic narcissist uses other people's bodies to masturbate. Sex with him - pyrotechnics and acrobatics aside - is likely to be an impersonal and emotionally alienating and draining experience. The partner is often treated as an object, an extension of the somatic narcissist, a toy, a warm and pulsating vibrator." (

 A warm body next to him is all he required. He couldn't be bothered to touch his partner, kiss his partner, or do anything he was sure his partner wanted.  But, he would certainly insist he was well taken care of in every way. If his partner decided not to comply he'd either lay there and take care of his need himself by masterbating, or he'd force himself on his partner. That was the biggest turn on to him. The more unhappy you were in the sexual experience, the more excited he would become. I'm sure this is another reason why he'd create so much turmoil and drama just prior to wanting sex. He knew you'd either not be interested and he'd have to work extra hard to conquer you, or he would just cut to the chase and take you regardless if you were willing or not.
 "It is a mistake to assume type-constancy. In other words, all narcissists are BOTH cerebral and somatic. In each narcissist, one of the types is dominant. So, the narcissist is either OVERWHELMINGLY cerebral - or DOMINANTLY somatic. But the other type, the recessive (manifested less frequently) type, is there. It is lurking, waiting to erupt."(

True. He would oscillate between two or three extremes. He'd be hyper-sexual, wanting it ALL the time. Other times, he'd be hypo-sexual, not wanting it at all. He'd still want to masturbate of course. Can't ever go w/out that! Other times he'd pretend not to want it, or me - only to turn around seconds later, or minutes, or hours, and demand it.

The one consistency is that his needs, were the only needs that mattered. I could have been a warm pulsating blow up doll and that would have been alright with him. His dream may be a warm life like Stepford Wife. She would have no needs of her own and he could pretend to torture her to his hearts content w/out repercussions. His dream date.