Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Knowing Yourself Better

It is said that a psychopath can spot a victim w/in 6 seconds of seeing her walk. One way is by the tilt of her head! They look for on particular trait, EMPATHY!! They are looking for a person that has a lot of empathy. Makes sense, this is what they lack they want to lure someone who has it and destroy it. That is exactly what my psychopath did. I walk with with my head tilted. I wonder if that's the one trait that made him target me? I am empathetic it has been my great sense of compassion and empathy that kept w/me with him many many times when I was ready to leave. He worked my sympathy continuously.

"Any manipulator's real leverage is in knowing the character of his victim well enough to know how that person will likely respond to the tactics he uses. He may know the victim will give him the benefit of the doubt, buy his excuses, be hesitant to ascribe evil intention, etc. He may know how conscientious the individual is and how effective shame and guilt will be in getting him or her to back down."

This made me a prime target for my sociopath. I am a person who does give people the benefit of the doubt, am hesitant to ascribe evil intentions, and do feel very guilty if I've hurt someone even unintentionally. Even today, knowing what I know about all the lies, I am still wanting to be in denial and believe my sociopath really isn't a TRUE sociopath. He did have feelings for me. He DOES feel great guilt and remorse. He looses sleep over it. I've seen him suffer from guilt after hurting someone. However, upon closer inspection what I've seen is his grief over the consequences of being caught hurting someone has cost him. He looses sleep for what HE has lost and for what he wasn't able to gain based on being being exposed, not over what the OTHER person is feeling or suffering. I am convinced he does miss me in some small way and was attached and bonded to me. Denial is a deep river!!!

"Manipulators generally take the time to scope out the characteristics and weaknesses of their victims. If manipulators gain leverage by what they know about you, it onlystands to reason that the more you know about yourself and the more you work to overcome your own vulnerabilities, the more leverage you gain in your dealings with them. When examining your own character, here are some important things to look for:

 1. NAIVETE. You maybe one of those individuals who finds it too hard to accept the notion that there really are people as cunning, devious, and ruthless as your gut tells you the manipulator in your life is. That is, you may even be prone to engage in "neurotic" denial. If you are, even when you're confronted with abundant evidence you're dealing with a ruthless conniver, you may refuse to believe it, reluctantly accepting reality only after being victimized too often.

Yep! That would be me.

2. OVER-CONSCIENTIOUSNESS. Ask yourself if you're one of those people who is much harder on themselves than anybody else. You might be the kind of person who is too willing to give a would-be
manipulator the benefit of the doubt. When they do something to hurt you, you may be too ready to see their side of things and too willing to blame yourself when they go on the attack and throw you on the defensive.

Yep, that would be me.

3. LOW SELF-CONFIDENCE. You maybe one of those persons who is overly self-doubting, or chronically unsure of your right to pursue your legitimate wants and needs. You may lack confidence about your ability to face conflicts directly and resolve them effectively. If so, you're likely to quit asserting yourself prematurely and also likely to go on the defensive too easily when challenged by an aggressive personality.

As much as I hate to admit it, that would be me as well.

4. OVER-INTELLECTUALIZATION. You maybe one of those persons who tries too hard to understand. If you're also one who assumes that people only do hurtful things when there's some legitimate, understandable reason, you might delude yourself into believing that uncovering and understanding all the reasons for your manipulator's behavior will be sufficient to make things different. Sometimes, by being overly focused on the possible reasons for a behavior, you may inadvertently excuse it. Other times, you might get so wrapped-up in trying to understand what's going on that you forget that someone is merely fighting to gain advantage over you and that you should be devoting your time and energy to taking necessary steps to protect and empower yourself. If you over-intellectualize, you'll likely have trouble accepting the simple philosophy that there are people in this world who fight too much, fight underhandedly, and for no other purpose than to get what they want.

That is definitely me!!! I am still hesitant to admit it, even though every thing this man has done at face value is to gain something for himself. I know this. I realize this. It's very obvious.

He has hurt me time and time again. He has promised never to hurt me again. Seen my pain. Yet continues the behavior that causes me pain. I am still unable to remain angry at him. Instead I am fighting to understand his "condition."

I am still seeking understand WHY and make excuses for him. I tell myself that being a sociopath he can't help himself. He does the best he can with what he's capable of given his nuerological disorder. He's suffering more than I could ever imagine. I make ALL sorts of excuses for him still!!!!

5. EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY. You may have submissive personality characteristics rooted in deep fears of independence and autonomy. If so, you might be attracted to the more confident-appearing,
 independent, aggressive personalities in the first place. After becoming involved in a relationship with them, you may also tend to let such people run over you out of fear that if you stand up to them you may be "abandoned" altogether. The more emotionally dependent you are on someone, the more vulnerable you are to being exploited and manipulated by them.


Even if you're not in some kind of relationship with a manipulator, recognizing and working to overcome any of the aforementioned character defects is a worthwhile enterprise. But if you are in a relationship with a manipulative person, not doing so places you at high risk for victimization.

Guess I still have more work to do than I was aware of. Darn I can't blame HIM for everything even though he's the perpetrator? Damn. Okay, I'll take responibility for needing to work on my assurdance, ability to be descerning, and not be SO empathetic and understanding. Ug!

George K. Simon Ph.D.. In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People (Kindle Locations 1167-1171). Kindle Edition.

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