Sunday, October 16, 2011

So What Now?

I'm starting this blog as part of the healing process from having been in love with and been in a relationship with a sociopath for the last 8 years. It has been 8 years of utter hell; A roller coaster, a flood of tears, anger, confusion, misunderstanding, and questioning of everything I know to be true about myself and of human nature in general. Today, I'm just going to blog random thoughts as I process the events of the last 8 years. In the coming weeks I'll outline the timeline of the relationship, going over details of how it began, significant events, why I remained loyal to this man for so long (as best I can understand myself) and what has led me to believe I have been sleeping with and loving a sociopath for the better part of 8 years. 

Today's "Ah hah!" moment. There are many such moments flooding my mind the past 24 hours as I've just discovered this about the man I've been loving for 8 years. I'll most be posting "Ah hah!" moments randomly throughout the day. These moments will hit me at the most inopportune times. Sometimes they bring me to my knees in a heap of weeping. Sometimes, they bring me healing and calm knowing IT WASN'T ME! Sometimes to pure devastation for the bleakness of this man's future and the misery I know he lives in day to day. I am no longer angry at him for all the misery he bestowed upon me, for all the hurtful, mean, spiteful, calculating words and actions hurled at me for the sheer pleasure of watching me suffer - The same way a lion anticipates the killing of his next meal, mouth watering, hunger burning, heart beating faster, breathing becoming quicker and the anticipation of what's to come is literally settling on his taste buds before he even take his first bit. The lion sees the prey. Wants to capture it, own it, covet it and devour it. First it enjoys the beauty of the gazelle it's about it begin torturing. Just wathing it's every move. Studying it. Observing and taking in it's stride, the length, the speed, the direction it's heading, watching with a gaze that almost seems statuesque. When the lion is sure it's calcuted the speed of the gazelle apporpriately, the length of it's stride accurately and is sure of the direction it's heading, the lion begins the cat & mouse chase it'll take with this creature that's blissfully unaware it's being watched and hunted down. The hunt is now underway. The lion gaining on the gazelle who is suddenly keenly aware that something bad is about to happen but still not seeing the lion it's oblivious to it's coming fate. All the gazelle's senses are heightened, as are those of the lion. They each share in the sudden crispening of the scents in the air, the sharpness of every echoe in the forest, the fast beating hearts, blood pumping energetically through each of their veins. Now is about the time the gazelle is aware there is a predator close at hand. It's never been in a fight for it's life before. It has no idea the lion has done this a million times and knows exactly what he is doing. He's had years to sharpen his skills and learn every technique to outrun and outsmart it's prey. The gazelle only knows when it senses danger it needs to run. So, this is what the gazelle begins to do. But, before she's able to pick up any speed at all the lion has her under his paw and is pouncing. The lion first knocks her unsteady so she's unable to run swiftly. She tries to gain her composure and escape the danger she now knows she's in. The lion finds her struggling almost humurous. He knows it's futile. She's seconds away from her demise and he is enjoying the power he now holds over her as he is able to knock her to the ground and take her in his strong jaws. At this point she is dazed and trying to alert her mind to what just happened and what is happening to her. All she's fully aware of is the fear overtaking her.
Then the lion drops the prey to the ground bleeding and injured and blames if for bleeding all over his clean beard and ground. Telling it is all the prey's fault. Had the prey not let him catch it he wouldn't have wrapped his mouth arounds it's neck. Had the prey not struggled, he never would have had to bite down and cut it with his sharp teeth or hold it down with his sharp claws. The lion then apologizes and sweetly smiles at the prey telling it to get up and run and play. "But, run faster next time because if I catch you again you'll just bleed all over me again. If you would't do that I wouldn't have to eat you alive." The lion tells it's prey. As the prey bewilderly looks at the lion, then toward the direction of freedom and back at the lion. Not sure whether to run for it's life, or stay put in the lions good graces while he's in a good mood, or maybe escape while the lion is sleeping? How can it out run the lion next time? How can it not struggle if it is captured? How can it keep the blood from dripping from the open wounds so as not to upset the lion anymore?
This is how my lover would become each time he was moving in for the kill of hurtful, harmful, utterly mean and cruel words and actions. Only to sit back and blame the prey for making him work too hard for the meal. This predator/prey scenerio is a good depiction of what it's like to live with and love a sociopath.
Me on the other hand being the victim see this "win" in an entirely different vantage point.I never would have struggled in the lions jaws had he never captured me in them in the first place I would have gladly out run him had I been warned he was coming ahead of time. I didn't want to be caught and devoured alive. I am in the fight for my life when I see this beast coming for me, when he does catch me and hold me in his grip I am momentarily stunned, unable to move, unsure whether to fight a battle I am sure to loose, or give in to his control. I choose to put forth the struggle of my life in hopes the lion will eventually tire of toying with me and let me go. When he does release me from his mighty jowles - and I drop to the ground at that moment I am unaware of where I am. I'm not clear if I'm dead or alive. Just as I'm beginning to come to my senses and realize I am in fact alive and out of the trenches of this lions sharp teeth he begins to roar at me for bleeding in his mouth and getting blood on his beard and ground. I want to apologize at first. I AM sorry for the lion does look an awful mess. I am hurting. But the lion did say it would have let me go had I not struggled so much. He also is giving me a chance now. He must have some compassion for me and empathy for my suffering. I am grateful to the lion for letting me go. I'm a bit stunned and confused, I do apologize for getting his beard messing with my blood. I'm somehow instinctually think it really is the lions fault for chopping on my flesh in the first place. But, I am confused. He didn't eat me and he could have. He didn't rip me to shreds and he could have. He's telling me I can get away next time. He must really be a kind lion after all. After briefly hesitating I start to run slowly at first thinking the lion might be playing a trick on me. When I see he has aquiest and is relaxing in the sun I pick up the pace and begin running as quickly as I can. Only to discover the lion is hot on my heels about ready to devour me again. All the while the lion isn't really going to kill me anytime soon. He's plenty full of himself and doesn't need a meal. He is utterly enjoying the chase though. Knowing full well he'll win every time. He wants more of a challenge. He hates me for "letting" myself get caught. He loves me for continuing to play his game. I am feeling dizzy like I'm running in circles getting nowhere.

Okay, in a nut shell. That has been me and my sociopathic lovers relationship over the past 8 years.

Next entry I'll hunt for (no pun intended) and post some clinical defintions of what a sociopath is. I'll follow that with the start of my life living with and loving the lion, aka sociopath

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