Monday, October 31, 2011

Sympathy and the Sociopath/Psychopath

Stranger than your Sympathy this is apology
I'm killing myself from the inside
Now my fears have pushed you out.

I wished for things that I don't need
All I wanted
What I chase won't set me free
All I wanted

Yea I get scared but I'm not crawlin' on my knees
Oh yea, everythings all wrong
Oh yea, everythings all wrong
Who the hell did I think I was

Stranger than your Sympathy
I say these things so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
Now my heads been filled with doubt

It's hard to lead the life you choose
All I wanted
When all your lucks run out on you
All I wanted
You can't see when all your dreams are comin' true

Oh yea, it's easy to forget
Oh yea, 'til you choke on the regrets
Yea, where the hell did I think I was

Stranger than your Sympathy
Is all this time you stole from
Now nowhere's home
and I'm all wrong

I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe that I was
I wouldn't be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted

All the talk and all the lies were all the empty things disguised as me.

Oh yea, stranger than your Sympathy
Stranger than your sympathy

Psychopaths and sociopaths prey on SYMPATHY! It's your sympathy that they appeal mostly too.
This was certainly true of my psychopath. 

The most reliable sign. The most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is perversely an appeal to our sympathy. (pg 107 Martha Stout, ph.d The Sociopath Next Door)

Anytime my psychopath felt my affection waining or felt as if he might be losing his "narcissistic supply" he would begin his pity party. Telling me how lonely he is. How much he needs me. How much he misses me. How he just can not make it through another day alone. He went so far as to call me incessantly for months talking to me for hours about how he's wanting to commit suicide. I, as any feeling person would, would then invite him over and agree to spend time with him poor helpless soul.  He repaid me by lying, cheating and messing with my head some more.

Beware of those sympathy seekers. The seekers rarely are the givers of such generosity.

From Psychiatry Times:
Targeting the Vulnerable
Psychopaths are good at spotting exploitable vulnerabilities in others. Many psychopathic scam artists seek lonely individuals and promise them a lifetime of love and partnership. Others target the grief-stricken or those who have suffered a recent setback or breakup and are therefore less apt to look closely at what appears to be a compassionate helping hand. Alternatively, psychopaths may exploit someone’s need to be needed, finding a motherly or fatherly soul that they can milk for sympathy and cash. They are also inclined to marry people with low self-esteem and convince them that they are somehow to blame for any abuse they suffer in the marriage.
The Sympathy Ploy
Psychopaths usually play on the sympathies of others. When people’s empathic responses are aroused, they are less inclined to scrutinize an individual’s behaviour, or they will attribute bad behaviour to an abusive childhood or other trauma. This provokes the sort of nurturing response that enables the psychopath to manipulate and extract what he wants from others. In extreme cases, sympathy and deception are combined as a deadly lure. Serial killer Ted Bundy wore a cast and used crutches to make himself appear harmless and vulnerable to his victims.

Read more at Suite101: How Psychopaths Exploit Others: Modes of Sociopathic Deception and Manipulation |

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Psychopaths are Born Not Made

In some children the very failure to bond is a symptom of psychopathy. It is likely that these children lack the capacity to bond readily, and that their lack of attachment is largely the result, not the cause, of psychopathy. [Hare]

"In other words: they are born that way and you can't fix them.

To many people, the idea of a child psychopath is almost unthinkable. But the fact is, true psychopaths are born, not made. Oh, indeed, there is the psychopath that is "made," but they are generally different from the born psychopath in a number of ways.

The fact is, clinical research clearly demonstrates that psychopathy does not spring unannounced into existence in adulthood. The symptoms reveal themselves in early life. It seems to be true that parents of psychopaths KNOW something is dreadfully wrong even before the child starts school. Such children are stubbornly immune to socializing pressures. They are "different" from other children in inexplicable ways. They are more "difficult," or "willful," or aggressive, or hard to "relate to." They are difficult to get close to, cold and distant and self-sufficient."(The Mask of Sanity)

This stands true of my psychopath. His parents knew something was wrong with him while he was growing up. In fact they took him to several doctors trying to figure out what the issue was. They tried removing red dye from his diet. That made no difference. They tried some sort of therapy that required him to do move his arms or body in some way that was supposed cure him.  They thought he might be ADHD and tried putting him on meds for that. Although he flat out refused to take them so they were never able to see if that might have helped. The buttom line, they knew and know something is different and off about him. I suspect that at least the mother knows he's a psychopath. She talks him out of seeking counseling or treatment when he has mentioned to her he thought he needed it. She often makes comments to him regarding his lack of consideration or thoughts for anyone else but himself. He's told me he use to run away from home and didn't know why. He's told me he'd have such angry hostile outbursts growing up that his parents would have to phone the police. All classic signs of a child growing up as a psychopath. I have to say when I think about the disorder in these terms, I can't help but have some sense of sadness for psychopaths. My ex included. The angry outbursts, the running away, the feeling and realizing you are different than everybody else around you. The sense of emptiness that is felt inside that can not be filled in any way accompanied with the longing to have it filled would account for an angry person/child no doubt.

Though the following documentary starts off talking with a criminal psychopath, keep watching and learning because MOST psychopaths are every day men & women you encounter every single day. You may be dating one, married to one, the sibling of one, the child of one, or the coworker of one.

Their impact on families and communities is devastating. Just as each one of us are different, so are psychopaths. There are degrees of behavior. A psychopath ISN'T obvious. You can not immediately spot them. You can work beside them for decades and not be aware they are a psychopath. However, if you became intimately involved with them you would be very aware that at the least something was different, off, not quite right with them. Most likely you're also aware that this person can be cruel, spiteful, mean and cycle between this and kindness. Giving you the impression that you are dealing with a Jekyll & Hyde personality.

Interesting that my ex psycho often told me he would pick fights with his brother just because. He just felt like fighting. So, he'd mess with his brothers head, get him upset, play with his emotions, just because he felt like it. Same manner he dealt with me. Good fun for him at our expense.

**This is an outdated documentary. Some update. Psychopaths are known to be 1 in 25, not 1 - 100.

I don't think my ex is a killer, but he does have many of the same features that OJ Simpson does. Most people don't think there is anything wrong with him. Most people, even those close to  him will only see his superficial charm. However, those who are his lovers, and intimate partners as well as friends and family members of those partners are very well aware of the dangers of this person.

They psychopath in prison that seemed to appreciate John Lennon, Willie Nelson and other seeming signs of emotion and connection. I at time struggled with how could my ex appreciate music, films, or tv programs that pulled at your heart strings. I still don't understand how the psychopath can be interested in these things, yet no feel any connection to another person outside of themselves.

Often my ex would appear extraordinarily confused. He would even say, "I'm confused!" when we would be talking about events, or issues that dealt with emotions and feelings. It always seemed so odd to me how he could so easily be confused by things so obvious. I felt he was faking it to avoid discussing the issue. I now see that he may very well have been truly confused.

My ex frequently told me he felt something was missing in him. He believed his brain didn't work right. He'd mention numerous times a week how his brain was different from other peoples. He seemed perplexed and confused by his own behavior.

I'm not sure I agree that medical treatment is changing the entire person. I would argue that it is making an incomplete person complete. How would it be different than giving someone who is bipolar or schizophrenic medication? It does seem that a "brain chip" is more radical than taking a pill. But, if the chip wakes up the part of the brain that's asleep than I would argue that it is correcting a malfunction and not altering a personality.

Silence is Divine (Fear Will Keep Us Together)


Be still. Breathe. Listen.

Life isn't about being smooth, it's about being authentic. Sometimes we get so busy setting standards for others, holding expectations for situations, others and ourselves that we create inner turmoil that clouds who we authentically are and what reality truly is.

Be still and breathe.

Underlying that need to control situations, people and what's happening around is fear. Fear of sitting with discomfort, fear of being alone, fear of emptiness, fear of not knowing what to do or say. This fear, if we allow it to live in us keeps us in turmoil and prevents us from fully living and experiencing life. Therefor it's important to become a witness to your own situation. To be still and listen to the fear. Introduce yourself to it, welcome it in, and embrace it so you can see it clearly, hold it and release it.

By being still. Sitting with the uncomfortableness, slowing down, sitting with the fear you allow yourself to observe how it's controlling you. You'll be able to soften it's grip or hold on you. Reflect on your motivation and you'll be able to find the source of your fear. It is your ego that holds the fear. Your ego is motivating the fear. Look through your egos story so you can see yourself undistorted and clearly. So much better to meet your fear, introduce yourself to it and send it on its way then to allow it to guide you off your path.

So, how does this all apply to living single? Well, it makes me think of how when we're single we often strive to improve ourselves so we can attract a worthy mate. We strive to become a worthy partner, so we can attract a worthy partner. All the self help books we read to become a magnet to attract a wonderful man/woman that we devour can actually send us off track, because all this focus on attracting the right person is motivated by fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of feeling empty without a partner to fill us up, fear of being alone and not having someone to care for us, fear of not "feeling" love or loved. To solve this we often fill our minds with all the self help books we can get our hands on geared toward helping us find a mate, which results in self improvement for the purpose of another. Improving oneself for the benefit of another is no longer about "self." It's again another form of doing and being what someone else might want.
The goal and purpose to improve oneself is to live a richer live and fulfill our purpose whether that is done single or in a partnership. The goal is to meet ourselves. To say to oneself "Nice to meet you. This is ME."

To find our authentic, wonderful, marvelous self is to get to the hear of "I", "Me." The goal isn't to "partner up" because this goal is driven by fear. The goal is to partner with self. However, the outcome of finding oneself and being truly authentic to who you are will make you a person others will want to be around. It will draw people to you, friends and lovers. So, the outcome of living authentically will be that the man/woman of your dreams won't resist wanting to be in your company. But, it's not the purpose of being authentically you.

Being in a relationship may be my preference. Life IS richer when it's shared, there is no doubt about that. But finding a partner isn't my daily purpose. Finding myself is. Finding out who I authentically am and meeting her minute to minute, day to day is my purpose. The outcome of that may be that then others who are living their life authentically, unclouded and sharing themselves without masks will be drawn into my path. But the goal of being on the path is to improve my life, to get to know myself and find out all I can about who I am, not about who someone else is. God has created me with thoughts, interest, and desires. It honors him when I value and honor who I truly am.

For today, I intend to practice minute to minute, day to day, letting go of standards and expectations I may have for somebody, or something else and just be still. I intent to slow down, breath and listen more. I'll practice being silent and listening to my motivation. When I can find the source of my motivation, I'll be able to see myself more clearly and know if I'm acting out of fear or if I'm grounded in realness. If it is fear that is motivating me then I intend to greet my fears with arms wide open. Look them straight in the eye, smile at them, and give them a fine "How do you do?" I may even shake fears hand, hold it in my arms for a brief time, feel it, smell it, embrace, then politely nod and say "ba bye" and send those pesky ole' fears off on their merry way.

In those moments when your thoughts drift to the "love" you thought you had w/your previous psychopathic lover/spouse. Look deeper into yourself.

Be still. Be silent.

Let your inner self come out of hiding. If she's frightened. Introduce yourself to her fears and see them for who they truly are.

Illusions. Illusions of nothing.

Be present in that very instant. In that very moment. What's harming you? Nothing. Memories of a lie that is trying to eat you alive? It's all smoke and mirrors. No such memory exists. It never existed. in the first place. Whatever it was you thought you found in that illusion isn't there. The love, the warmth, the smiles, the security you thought you knew during that time, was an imagery. It came from w/in you. No one else brought those to you. It's in you. Now she's just waiting for you to let her out so she can introduce herself to you and tell you not to worry. She's got it covered. She has everything you need to meet your every desire. She is highly capable of taking care of you. Nothing to fear in her presence. She's strong, loving, adaptable, charismatic, intelligent, whimsical, capable, talented, and wise. She is you.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Unexamined Woman

Some traits that women who love psychopaths share:

Dr. Vaknin writes...
“It is possible to have a relatively smooth relationship with a narcissist, and it's possible to maintain it for a long time. The first requirement for this, though, is distance: this simply cannot be done with a narcissist you live with. Given distance, or only transient and intermittent contact, you can get along with narcissists by treating them as infants: you give them whatever they want or need whenever they ask and do not expect any reciprocation at all, do not expect them to show the slightest interest in you or your life (or even in why you're bothering with them at all), do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings, do not expect them to take ordinary responsibility in any way. But note: they are not infants; infants develop and mature and require this kind of care for only a brief period, after which they are on the road to autonomy and looking after themselves, whereas narcissists never outgrow their demands for dedicated attention to their infantile needs 168 hours a week. Adult narcissists can be as demanding of your time and energy as little babies but without the gratification of their growing or learning anything from what they suck from you. Babies love you back, but adult narcissists are like vampires: they will take all you can give while giving nothing back, then curse you for running dry and discard you as a waste of their precious time. “It is also essential that you keep emotional distance from narcissists.”

Ten Do's and Five Don't Dos if you INSIST on Staying with Him
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Tips – by Sam Vaknin, PhD
The preceding quote couldn't be more accurate. I often would equate my psychopaths personality to that of a child. As his own son became about the age of 12 I recall how evident it was that his son was more mature than he was. Even when his son was only 7, I can recall moments of thinking they acted exactly alike and had the same way of responding and reacting to things. I'd often hear from both of them, "I didn't do anything!", or, "you're saying that for no good reason!" as they'd stomp off in a huff. The 7 year old would say that if he were redirected and the "man" would say that if he noticed I was getting frustrated. But, even when I wasn't. Sometimes the "man" would just start saying that and I'd be left wondering what give him the impression I was upset about something? Apparently he'd done something that he hoped would provoke me and was then beginning to build his case about how wrong I was to feel provoked. I heard this mostly in the very beginning of our relationship. I believe this is because he was figuring out what my buttons were. He must have been incredibly frustrated when he was all prepared for the thrill of seeing me hurt and upset, yet I didn't realize I was supposed to be. My ex psycho was then forced to resort to even meaner tactics to get the result he was looking for, making him appear even more infantile and self-centered.

Dr Samvak is himself a narcissist (a form of psychopath), so he knows them more intimately than you, or I will ever have the displeasure of knowing. His assertion that they will take everything from you, and return nothing in kind, is absolutely accurate. Psychopaths have only one concern, that is that their every need and whim be met instantaneously and w/out question. They expect you to have no needs of your own. If you do happen to have a need for something like, oh I don't know, maybe some consideration for your feelings at the very least, you'll be highly disappointed. In fact quite the contrary. The one thing the narcissist will do that a baby doesn't do, is intentionally hurt you as often and as deeply as possible for "no good reason."

In the book The Unexamined Victim, Women Who Love Psychopaths, the author explains what a psychopath is looking for in a victim. They psychopath doesn't start off the relationship acting as the above quote from Dr.Samvak describes. If they did I doubt they'd ensnare as many victims as they do. Perhaps an occasional victim with low self esteem and little self worth who doesn't feel that he/she is very important themselves. But, that sort of victim is little thrill for the psychopath. They prefer victims who have a good amount of self worth and esteem. It's much more fun watching them crumble at the masters hand, then to watch an already defeated victim remain defeated.

The relationship of a psychopath has a pattern to it. There is the initial "wooing" stage which is something called the "luring" stage, or the "idealization phase." This is when he/she puts on the show of their lives for you.  They read you like a scrip from a theatrical film and you are the character they'll be playing. They're studying you to see what your likes/dislikes are. They are ascertaining what it is you're looking for, needing, or lacking in your life. They'll then begin the process of putting on their academy award winning performance of becoming the very man/woman of your dreams. "All the better to ensnare you with my pretty." I can imagine them eerily saying to themselves as they begin their ascend into your life. If you are someone who enjoys dancing, and the night life. Well, that is what they'll become. Someone who loves to go out to the clubs and dance those little twinkle toes off.

So, you see in the beginning it can be difficult to recognize a psychopath and a person has to be vigilant in noticing the signs early on to avoid a vicious snare waiting along the path. I love Dr. Phil's quote, "the best predictor for future behavior is past behavior." If he/she has a string of broken relationships in his/her past. Chances are, you'll be another in  a long line of victims the perpetrator has left in their wake.

So, what does the perpetrator look for in a victim? How can you protect yourself from being a tempting target? In the book The Unexamined Victim - Women Who Love Psychopaths, the author studied common traits and characteristics of victims specifically of psychopathic lovers. It turns out we are a breed of our own w/some distinct features not found in victims of other crimes such as rape, domestic violence, assault and so on. I'll cover the information from the book in the coming days. For at the moment it is 3:49am and I need to be up for work in a few hrs. Time to get some shut eye before the morning light.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Closing the Deal

So true what this documentary states about psychopaths liking empathetic women/men because empathetic people share resources!!! My psychopath expected me to provide food, and child care, house cleaning duties and service his sexual needs. That was my purpose.

They also say (not in this video) psychopaths like to take things. Not because they need them, but just because they can. My psychopath would take my reading glasses home. He didn't need them. He didn't wear glasses. He just liked taking them. He also would take things like my coffee cups. Odd I know. But, he would just take them. He'd take books, money from my dresser just about anything he could grab quickly. I think this is just for the thrill. Psychopaths get bored easily. Taking something might be a quick rush.

The Other Side of the Coin

My emotional side doesn't want to judge the predator that a psychopath is. I've been a victim, yet I still struggle between empathy, compassion, understanding and judgement.

The trouble is we the victims, are filled with emotional memories that linger long after the robot of destruction moved on to destroy their next target. It’s those lingering memories that I’m at odds with so often. I can clearly see how his current victim is dupped. I’ve known him 8 years. I think I know him as much as anyone can know a psychopath. I know all his evil and all his seemed goodness.I have a difficult time dismissing his ‘gentel sensitive’ facade, even in the face of every evil, cruel deed he did or malicious word he said. I’m living daliy with the after effects. He’s moving on in the blink of an eye living this new life onto his next thrill w/absolutely no thought of me. Perhaps other than wondering if he might be able to somehow come back for a fix of dominance on occasion.I am left to wrestle with the past emotional turmoil alone.

I often supsected, but never even allowed myself to follow through with this thought because it seemed unreal to me. But, now I see it as compeltely and totally valid. My ex married his ex wife for the sole purpose of hurting her and getting even with her.

They met as teenagers and w/in 2 weeks(he’s changed the story a few times, 2 weeks a few months give or take) they decided it would be a great idea to have a baby! He says she used him to get pregnant.Yet he also says it was both their idea. Anyhow, she got pregnant very quickly in their courtship. Only weeks later he said something, he doesn’t recall what it was (according to him), or she just on a whim decided she had used him for his sperm and now she was off in hiding with his child. She disappeared for 3 years. He claims to have looked for her all 3 years, but wasn’t ‘able to explain how he went about doing that. Anyhow, 3 – 4 years later he and his brother are on an airplane flying back from college to their hometown. When suddenly a little boys head pops up from the seat in front of him and looks back at him smiling. His brother mentions how much that child looks like my ex and says to him he thinks that is the child his previous girlfriend had. Low and behold he peeks around the corner and there is the ex gf sitting on the same plane, same flight heading to the same place with his child. This is one of the 1st stories he tells his victims to establish what a sensitive dad he is. He tells it with great emotion and sentiment. I’m sure I recall a tear or two during his story telling with me. Well, not long after they begin dating again. He told me once, he had forgiven her and years later that he hadn’t for running off with his child. They courted. (HIS explanation) He never loved her, but she planned this wedding. He didn’t’ propose to her. She didn’t propose to him. Not really. She just planned the wedding and he just showed up. Oops. He got married and didn’t know what happened. (again this is HIS version) so here he is married to a woman he didn’t even love. But, to be a good dad and do the right thing he did it. He chose to stand her up the night of the rehearsal dinner. He doens’t know why. He just thought it’d be fun to go gambling instead. Then he didn’t kiss her on their wedding night because he was still mad at her for running off for more than 3 years with their child. Oh, he did have sex with her. He needed sex. But, she didn’t deserve to be kissed. Besides he didn’t love her. Kissing is too special to be wasted on someone you don’t truly love. Even your wife. Moving ahead, she gets pregnant again. Using him again, poor duped fellow because she wants a sibling for their son. Well, w/in a yr 1/2 she’s had the second baby. But by now, they are in seperate bedrooms, hers with a lock on it to keep him out. He’s shocked that she’s asked for a divorce.
Because she’s working and he’s a stay at home dad but she wanted him to make some $ as well. Such a demanding witch. He being the “good guy and good dad” decided to make her happy and begin substitute teaching. But she still wasn’t happy. He didn’t make enough $.See how demanding she can be? Now she wants a divorce. Therefore he’s decided she’s a lesbian, has post pardem depression and is bipolar Why else would a women married to him be unhappy? (Gosh I should have written the story up when I first heard it. It all seems so clear to me today, seeing here in print!)I’ll end there.

The story continues through the divorce and custody battle which is when I met him. I’m now clearly convinced he married her strictly to imprison her. Inflict the most amount of torture he could, force her to leave them then attempt to take the children from her through a custody battle. It is so obvious!! I even helped him get custody (joint). What an efin fool I was!!!! He was court ordered to take a parenting class before the courts would consider granting him even the opportunity to apply for joint custody, which he chose to do on line. Well, all that caring parenting stuff was too difficult for him to make sense of. I was a smart woman and such a great writer who could do a much better job taking that class for him so he could get custody. He buttered me up into taking that stupid class for him.

This story just illustrated for me how psychopaths live in a whole other realm than we do,  having no conscience, or empathy and desiring only to destroy all that is good.  He had no other motive but to make her suffer as greatly as possible. Marrying her, torturing her and taking the one thing she loved more than anything, her children was his perfect solution. I always found it odd that he spoke so much about how important being a dad was to him. Yet, the weeks he had his children, I was the only one there taking care of them. He was off doing other things. Even when he was home, he was checked out. I spent time with them, tucked them in, read them bedtime stories, held them, fed them, did their homework with them as they got older.When they cried in the middle of the night it was for me, not for him. It felt like the custody was between his ex wife and me not him. I was so niave!!!!  Pure egocentrical evil.

Never Judge a Psycho until You Walk in His/Her Shoes

Okay, I'm not a dr, or a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist or counselor. I haven't written a dissertation on psychopaths, or sociopaths. I haven't spent years researching, interviewing, or reading medical journals on the topic. What I have is first hand intimate experience from having been in an on/off relationship with a psychopath for nearly 8 years. This first hand experience, in my opinion, gives me insight and depth of knowledge that journals and research papers can't even come close.

I'm sitting in my living room listening to music. Suddenly I realized how bombarded we, (human beings) are with images, songs, movies, television programs, conversions, books, magazines, literally everything  in our world revolves around connecting, bonding, loving and feeling emotion. Deep, meaningful, passionate emotions are the things that make us feel human. They are the things that make us feel connected, spiritual and joyful. I happened to think how frustrating and maddening it must be to live a life unable to access or understand that which makes us human. That which brings joy, That which enhances, enriches, and essentially makes our lives worth living. The very things (emotions, connecting) that make me feel alive a psychopath has no concept of. They only pretend to experience them because anyone beyond the age of 24 hrs is aware.  People feel. I(psychopath) don't. I am different, very,very, very, different. From the very beginning of existence a psychopath begins learning to mimic and mirror that which can not be internally, or intrinsically experienced.  I can not imagine, I simply can not imagine going through this life day to day w/out such emotions.

You've heard the saying "I rather feel pain than nothing at all?" I'm pondering this statement in relationship to my psychopath. It became very, very clear to me fairly early on in our relationship that he seemed to enjoy pain. He enjoyed it when I was in pain, and seemed to wallow and relish in his own pain as well. Therefor I"m asking myself does the psychopath in some distortred way think we (victims) are somehow enjoying being on this rollar coaster of chaotic cycling of meanness, kindness with them? Do they astonishingly think they are giving us a gift in making us feel pain because it is the only thing that can bond them with us? It is the only emotion we can each understand and share?  I can imagine the psychopath could be thinking: I'm lonely, shallow, angry, sad, full of sorrow let me share this gift with you. It's the only thing I can give you. I"m unable to bring you  joy or love. Here, let me hand this to you instead, so you can share in my experience. We'll go through this together you and I. This will bring us closer together. It will bond us.

Numerous times my ex psychopath would have me feeling, or thinking that he viewed me as a robot w/out emotion or feeling. He could hurt me so callously. He could disregard me as if I mattered no more than the mosquito buzzing around the back yard. I can remember on more than one occasion when I was with he and his children he would fix a meal for HE and HIS children. He'd turn to me and say sorry, I didn't have enough for you. You aren't hungry are you? I'd often ask him if he realized I was a human being w/feelings, that I actually mattered and my feelings actually mattered. He'd either not repond are kurtly reply "yes."

If it is true, and brain scans of psychopaths do show that it is, that a psychopath does not hold the capacity in his/her genetic, physiological make up to feel any empathy whatsoever. The psychopath's brain can not recieve signals to experience joy, love (the kind you & I feel/know), empathy, or any of the real emotions that seperate a human from a flea. The negative emotions that are felt, are shallow. So, everything the psychopath is capable of feeling is condensed and watered down from the type we experience. This explains why they are known as the "calm" in the storm. They are the one's that may appear to be handling a fearful, stressful, excited situation w/strength and ease. When in actuality, they just don't care so much. It's of no consequence to them. Unless of course it will affect them in some way. They are completely results oriented. The ends justifies the means. If they can see an end of negativity affecting them, they may appear to react w/some emotion.

I do know what pleasant loving, joyful emotions feel like. I've experienced them. Felt them deeply. If they were gone, I don't think words can adequately describe the void, the hollowness within my spirit that would be felt. What must the life of a psychopath be like? What is it like to live in that world where as a human, I'm not able to access the best part of being human? I can only access that which is negative, painful, sorrowful, angry and shallow? I don't have the answers. I do know that it does help me fully understand why most psychopaths were angry as children and often were in trouble with the law. I simply can not in any manner pretend to know what that existence would be like. You're growing up and discovering a world that you can only partially access. There is nobody you know that is like you. No one can understand what your living, nor can you understand what another is living. That part is the worst part of the world to boot. Are psychopaths not human? Are they not creations of God (if you believe in such things)? Are they not as worthy of all life as to offer in the same manner that we "normal" people are?

I am not excusing their deceitful lifestyles. I have been a victim of such a person for too many years. My experience is one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Psychopaths have and do commit much worse atrocities than what I experienced. However, what I experienced was killing me literally. I have no doubt had I stayed in it any longer it would have killed me. That is the goal of the psychopath. Find the most worthy, virtuous victim for the gleeful challenge of conquering and destroying. They destroy lives. There is no goodness in them. At least to any meaningful degree.  Their entire existence is self serving.  They could care less about you or I. They care greatly about themselves.

So how do we as a society deal with such a phenomena? Human beings who deserve and are worthy of love and happiness for the mere fact that they exist. They are here. The are alive. They are meaningful. If you are spiritual and believe all human life has value regardless of it's deficit, then what do you do about a group of people, 1 in 25 is heartless, free of conscience and lives a life completely and totally revolving around themselves and their own interests?  I don't have any answers. I wish somebody did. I do not think psychopaths crimes should go unnoticed or w/out consequence. But, if they truly are unable to keep themselves from toying with their victims can we judge them? Is this a mental illness in the way bipolar, or schizophrenia is? Do these predators need treatment? Currently there isn't treatment that works. Shouldn't we (as a society) demand a treatment be found? These deviant criminals are spreading destruction everywhere they go. They are in a world they will never feel a part of.

The other side of the coin. Are they too narcissistic to even care? What does matter? We need to protect ourselves, our friends and our communities from these vicious predators. But, who protects the predator from him/herself? How can a life be made for no other purpose than destruction?

Do we offer them love and companionship at the sacrifice of ourselves? Who is meant to care for, love and bond with a psychopath?

Monday, October 24, 2011

Why Do We Stay For All That Abuse?

"For sociopaths, control is like a drug; it's what drives them; it's like cocaine to their system. They need a victim. They need to have someone to control. So they create that victim through charm. Just knowing that they can always get back this person, even when they heap hurt upon hurt on them somehow boosts whatever's missing for them, whether it's a self-esteem issue or not. They thrive on having their behaviour go unpunished."
For a sociopath/psychopath the need to have a victim to control is insatiable. They are master con artist. They appear to be the "boy next door", the suave business man, the romantic artist, they put on a show to become the person they know you're longing for. How do they know who you're longing for? Some say psychopaths have a 6th sense.Ted Bunday for example said he could spot a victim in 6 seconds by the tilt of her head when she walked. I don't think a psychopath has to be a violent killer to master this technique. They all have it.  Amazingly how they are emotionally immature and shallow, yet they can read our deepest desire and thoughts like Kreskin. They've been doing it since birth. By the time a psychopath reaches adulthood he/she has a a lot of practice pretending to be something he/she is not. It's a matter of survival for them. A fresh live victim is their life's blood. Therefor it's primeval and instinctual to read you like a book and become what it is you want. Be vigilant in reading the subtle signs in the beginning. Some things simply can't be pretended away. If you know what to look for. I'll tell you what a few of those things are later in this post.

Mine would use sympathy. He would pretend to be so sad and lonely w/out me. He would flatter me and hold both my hands all night long while we slept. He'd tell me he doesn't hold other woman at all. He doesn't like to cuddle, except with me of course. I'm the exception because I'm special. At the same time he would rarely kiss me and tell me it's because he didn't love me enough. Kissing was just too special and saved for the woman he would marry. I would get incredible mixed msgs. In one breath, "I love you." The next breath I'd get, "I can't kiss you."  Then the next breath "I only hold you this way. You are different than every other girl I've been with. There is something special about you." followed by "you're not special enough to marry, though I do love you."  Can you see how confused a person can be?

Perhaps his best ploy though was to play on my empathy, which is the very reason he chose me in the first place. The more empathetic, moral and virtuous the woman, the more intense the challenge to conquer her and destroy her. She'll fall harder than someone whose already low.

Hope is eternal. Let's face it, we all want love. We all want that special person to spend the rest of our lives with.  The psychopath is aware of this. The person he/she pretended to be, the illusion he/she created is what becomes that person you're longing for. So, when the bait and switch happens and you realize this person next to you is not who you initially began dating, you fool yourself with your own memories. You see this person through those eyes of the intitial courtship. You are sure at some point that person will return. He/ she won't. He/she never existed in the first place.

The sympathy and build me up ploy. I was asked several times each day, what do you like about me? Do you like my eyes? Do you like  my lips? What's your favorite thing about me? What would you rate me on a scale of 1 - 10? I at first thought this was insecurity talking. In hindsight I see this was his way of feeding his ego. Tell me, tell me, tell me all the things that are wonderful about me!!

He spent a great deal of time telling me how he lacked confidence as well. How he didn't think he was attractive enough, smart enough, or charming enough to lure women. Of course I would always reply with compliments. Ego "Feed me, feed me feed me!!! Yet that is exactly what he did, continually. Lure women.

No woman likes to see her man cry. Now if you accuse your man of horning you or behaving inappropriately, and he doesn't want you to leave, he does several things, the top one being... cry. Now if he starts to boohoo like a big baby, with snatty nose and the whole works, you're more likely to dismiss his show. But when a man puts down a Denzel Washington tear a la John Q, something in your heart breaks, and you forgive him. In the back of your mind, you know something's wrong... very wrong, but how can you say no to such tightly wound up, deep emotion?

So how do you spot them early on if they are so good and charming? Remember, they are pretending to be someone they are not.  They are pretending their emotions by mimicking and mirroring yours. You can cut to the chase by delving into deep emotional self reflective topics early on. Like date 1 or 2!
Ask him/her to reflect on past relationships.Sociopaths hate to talk about their emotions, because they have none. They aren't incredibly deep thinkers or largely self reflective. They don't have the capacity for it. If your psychopath is in the idealization phase and is pretending to idealize you and he intends to keep you his victim for a period of time, he may attempt to play along and discuss feelings and emotions of prior relationships. If he's already conquered you and he's in the devalue stage, good luck getting him to talk about anything that isn't his agenda. Let's say for arguements sake, he/she's agreed to delve into prior relationships with you. Here are some good questions to start with.

Where did he/she go wrong? How did he contribute to the relationship not working? 
Did he feel the same in the beginning of the relatioship as he did in the end?
If he says yes, that's a red flag. If he knew from the start the relationship would go nowhere why drag it out and string the poor girl along building her hopes and letting her love grow only to leave her in the end? That act alone shows a man who is not empathetic to the needs of those he claims to care about. He was feeding his own need by keeping her around until she was no longer useful, then discard. Classic psychopathic behavior.
Did he lead her to believe otherwise?
Did he actually marry her?
If so, how are you to know his intentions with you are sincere?

Does he have a string of prior short term, or toxic relationships? If so, red flag.

How does he talk about prior relationship's? Does he show much emotion? Does he conjure up plenty of "ummm's"  If so, another red flag. Psychopaths have difficulty talking about or recalling emotions for several reasons. First they don't have any. If they do have some, they are limited and shallow. Second, their memories aren't based on emotion like ours are. Their memories are based on strategic goals, and neutral win/fail occurrences. Psychopaths operate purely on a cause and effect basis. Every action they take, every word they say is for a specific purpose designed to create an effect of some kind. Most often the effect of creating an illusion to you of who they are. If you are in the devalue stage, you are already sure you're dealing with someone who clearly is "off" in some way. A psychopaths entire existence at that point is cruelty and pain dished out at your expense. They are working on getting you to eventually leave them because of the cruelty they inflict. By your leaving them they are completely absolved of any responsibility for the break-up. At least as far as they see it.
Is your man/women a blame gamer? Does he/she have to assign blame to someone for something that went wrong. If so, who is to blame? Why assign blame?

If you're lucky enough to get "references" from prior relationships. Talk with them. Ask them about their experiences in the relationship. Would they set that person up with their best friend? Why? Why not? After all who better to know what this person is like the another who was in your shoes at some point and time.  Granted you may not know these people well either. You may not trust their integrity. But, if you talk to more than one and you get similar stories. That's a red flag that is waving high, loud, and long!

You can also bring up topics of politics, religions, introspection, these are all difficult topics for the psychopath to relate to. Depending on what phase relationship is in, he'll either humor you (idealize phase) yet if you probe for deeper thinking you'll see him/her become flustered. If you're in the devalue phase you'll get resistance to even discuss the topics. Most likely you be verbally abused for how inept you are in these areas therefor not worth your psychopaths time to even attempt discussing such matters.

Lets Talk About Sex

Our sexuality and sexual habits are an extension and expression of our psychological make up as well as our personality. It is also a good barometer for measuring the likelihood of your significant other being, or not being a psychopath.

Just as all people are unique and different, so are psychopaths. Yes, they all have very common traits that set them apart from the rest of society. But, they also have traits and characteristics expressed w/in a realm of various categories of psychopathy. As in many attached labels to any group of people there will also be crossovers. One person isn't 100% narcissistic, or 100% paranoid. Rather degrees of these attributes are present in varying levels w/in an individual.

"Inevitably, the sexuality of patients with personality disorders is thwarted and stunted. In the Paranoid Personality Disorder, sex is depersonalized and the sexual partner is dehumanized. The paranoid is besieged by persecutory delusions and equates intimacy with life-threatening vulnerability, a "breach in the defenses" as it were. the paranoid uses sex to reassure himself that he is still in control and to quell is anxiety" Read more at Suite101: Sexual Behavior: Sex and Personality Disorders |
This was how my ex viewed sex, as a way to quell his anxiety. Sex with him was very impersonal and he always needed to assert himself as being the one in complete and absolute control.
He always had to be doing, or saying something to alienate me, anger me, or push me away, or completely discard me, only to turn up sometimes minutes later, sometimes hrs, other times days later- wanting sex. This was foreplay to him. He could keep his illusion of having conquered something(someone) and recycle that behavior and person in the same manner again and again. After about the 6th year it would get so bad that he would be incredibly cruel, make being in his presence intolerable, so I'd either insist he leave, (if we were at  my house), or I'd decide to leave if I were at his home. My ex would then phone me w/in 3 minutes to tell me how he missed me, didn't want to be w/out me, doesn't know why those things came out of his mouth, it's all his fault and would I please, please, come back. He'd promise to light candles, get some wine, put on some nice music, literally whateve it was that he knew I wanted from him - he'd then dangle like a carrot to entice me. Of course rarely if ever were these promises followed through.

 "The somatic narcissist uses other people's bodies to masturbate. Sex with him - pyrotechnics and acrobatics aside - is likely to be an impersonal and emotionally alienating and draining experience. The partner is often treated as an object, an extension of the somatic narcissist, a toy, a warm and pulsating vibrator." (

 A warm body next to him is all he required. He couldn't be bothered to touch his partner, kiss his partner, or do anything he was sure his partner wanted.  But, he would certainly insist he was well taken care of in every way. If his partner decided not to comply he'd either lay there and take care of his need himself by masterbating, or he'd force himself on his partner. That was the biggest turn on to him. The more unhappy you were in the sexual experience, the more excited he would become. I'm sure this is another reason why he'd create so much turmoil and drama just prior to wanting sex. He knew you'd either not be interested and he'd have to work extra hard to conquer you, or he would just cut to the chase and take you regardless if you were willing or not.
 "It is a mistake to assume type-constancy. In other words, all narcissists are BOTH cerebral and somatic. In each narcissist, one of the types is dominant. So, the narcissist is either OVERWHELMINGLY cerebral - or DOMINANTLY somatic. But the other type, the recessive (manifested less frequently) type, is there. It is lurking, waiting to erupt."(

True. He would oscillate between two or three extremes. He'd be hyper-sexual, wanting it ALL the time. Other times, he'd be hypo-sexual, not wanting it at all. He'd still want to masturbate of course. Can't ever go w/out that! Other times he'd pretend not to want it, or me - only to turn around seconds later, or minutes, or hours, and demand it.

The one consistency is that his needs, were the only needs that mattered. I could have been a warm pulsating blow up doll and that would have been alright with him. His dream may be a warm life like Stepford Wife. She would have no needs of her own and he could pretend to torture her to his hearts content w/out repercussions. His dream date.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

You Must Be the Exception to the Rule

. As Sandra L. Brown cautions: “I can’t stress the following enough: Your experience with a pathological man will not be the exception to the rule. A personality disorder is a virtual guarantee against any possibility for long-term change in an individual’s core self.” (How to spot a dangerous man before you get involved, 24) 

I imagine this is what my ex psycho tells all his victims. At least the previous two and present (3rd victim). He and I were together each time he's gotten together w/these other women. They each new about me, yet continued forward with him. Ignoring the glaring red flag that if he can do this to me, lie, cheat, discount me, discard me, and move on to  another w/out even a minute in between than he certainly will do the same to you. I imagine he tells them differently. Of course it's different w/"YOU" - she and I just didn't have the connection YOU and I have. I've just been waiting for the "the ONE". YOU may be it. SHE wasn't. I just didn't have the heart to let her go. I did love her. But, we just weren't "a match."

At  night while he's holding them he'll tell them, I don't hold other women like this. You need to know I usually don't like holding women this way. But, with you it's different. There is just something about you I love holding you. Bla bla bla....yawn...yawn...yawn...

I warned two of the three women what their future would be. I told them who this man truly is. I clearly had no agenda to lie. Nothing to gain. But, he certainly had something to gain by lieing. The women, understandably had to find out for themselves. They weren't going to take my word for it. The tragedy is, by the time they find out for themselves. They are already deep in it. He's got them hooked and they're in a state of....."what is it me?"....why do we seem to be having all these misunderstandings?'ll get'll be different....I know he's not good for me, but I can't seem to break free from him.....They are now in their own hell.
I hate to see anyone suffer that. If I could be like chicken little and run around warning every woman in town "there's a psycho on the loose...there's  a psycho on the loose..." I would. But, I can't. If I did, they wouldn't believe me anyhow. They hope he'll be their prince charming. So, this blog is all I can do. I hope it helps at least one person recognize his/her psychopath BEFORE they are idealized into the next victim.
"So what if he USED YOU to break a trust with a woman he was already seeing? It’s not like they were actually *partners* or anything! She was just convenient for hurting his ex (he set her up really nicely to do that a couple of times), getting attention, an ego stroke, and occasional sex while he was waiting for the *right* woman to show up"

 However, it didn't take long before I suspected he was using me to get back at his ex. He always wanted to make sure I was either w/him or at his house whenever they did their exchange w/the children. Once, on Halloween he and I were taking the kids trick or treating. He didn't typically hold my hand when we were walking together. He certainly wasn't holding it this night. But, I was holding his daughters hand. Suddenly he reached for my other hand and began holding it. This surprised me, and w/in seconds he said to his daughter "There's your mothers car!" I knew what that hand holding was about.

He'd sometimes ask if he could "borrow" my dog on a few occasions when I couldn't be w/him during the exchange. I felt that was odd as well. He had no attachment to my dog. Another flag. He'd talk about what a great dog he was (he is a great dog. :)  My dog is also very friendly and has never met a person he didn't like and/or latch onto. He never went near my ex. My ex equally never made an attempt to ever pet my dog. In 8 years I can't think of a time when I saw him pet my dog. Not to mention my dog never wagged his tale or approached this man when he would come over. If my dog meets you one time for only a minute. He will ALWAYS remember you and greet you warmly when he sees you next. My dog never did this with my ex. Clearly having my dog w/him during his exchange with the kids was another way of letting his wife know not to forgot I'm in the picture.

He'd also tell me how paranoid SHE was and jealous. He feared she'd be watching us through the windows, or hiding in the back yard when we were together. Turns out HE is the one who watches his women through windows and hides in the backyard. He paranoia and jealousy was either fabricated, or created by his constantly telling her about women he's attracted to, or about women that are attracted to him. He did that to me daily. Over time I began to get paranoid as well because I caught him in so many lies and noticed his draw toward anything female. I had never been a jealous person at all before him. But, because of his constant "sizing" up of every female he encountered, "that girls sexy" "She's got a nice ass", "that girl has great boobs" "she's kinda cute" "so and so has an electric smile" and on and on. While he never directly compared me, each time he'd say something like that, I'd feel I was being compared. I began and still to this day fight the urge to compare myself in every way to every female I know or encounter.
He’s got YOU to feed his ego. And breaking her trust was a convenient way to ensure that he wouldn’t have to bother with her anymore and could focus on YOU. He did it so carefully too. (He knows that it’s the series of “gentle” cuts that leave the most stinging wounds.) That way, SHE would be the one saying she didn’t want to have anything to do with HIM, and he could blame HER for why they can’t still be friends. Isn’t he clever? What a creative way to get rid of someone when they are no longer useful!

This is exactly what my ex would do. He'd so cleverly suddenly become extra cunning and hurtful. His exceptionally cunning tongue was the 3rd and final sign that led me to believe he was seeing another women several weeks ago. Leaving me no other choice but to demand he leave me alone. Then he was completely free to be with "her." Of course in the past he always made it back. Stupid me. Believing I was his true love because he always came back! Duh! I was a steady victim supply.

Besides, even if she deeply cared about him, he didn’t have the same deep feelings for her, so that makes it ok to have sex with you, before talking to HER about it, right? He was just so TAKEN with you! Doesn’t that just make you feel all . . . oh, I don’t know –SPECIAL?
BINGO! That is exactly what my ex would do/say to the women he'd court while still with me. Oh so clever!!
(Just a side note):I never understood why the other woman would lie to me and tell me they were only friends and not sleeping together when I'd ask her. If she truly wanted him all for herself, why not be honest with me? Not to mention the fairness of me getting to know I'm sharing my man so I can make a choice whether I want to continue with that or leave, as well as protect myself from STDs. I'd expect my ex to lie. He enjoyed having two women at his disposal.

I felt sorry for his victim of his. I did tell her in the beginning he was manipulating her and using her and be very careful to protect her heart. He convinced her I was trying to hurt her. On the contrary. I don't wish the pain he inflicts on women to anybody. Doesn't matter if I like, respect or even know this person. I know my ex. I know the suffering. I wouldn't want anyone to experience that level of pain and emotional destruction. This woman is happily married now to a man who treats her very well. I'm glad she was able to escape and find happiness. Guess in the end, I was the one asking for trouble because I forgave him for all the lies and manipulation during his time with her, among a zillion other crimes.

Here is the link to the complete article.


I fricken HATE this!!! The bond that builds between a psychopath and his/her victim is torturous and intoxicating at the same time. They say for women in particular, it is as addictive as a chemical dependency because when she is intimate with a man her brain releases the same hormone oxytocin, that is released in a persons brain who is addicted to drugs as well.

What I hate about it is I can think I'm completely over it and am so clearly aware of the lies and deceit and torture he inflicted upon me. Yet, I have this knot in my stomach and ache in my heart and want so badly to have contact with him. Something about having contact with him eases that level of pain & anxiety. I know full well that contact with him is harmful to me. I know full well that in the end it'll destroy me. It already has and I've had to work very hard to recover in the past, but I've always let him back into my life again.

When you are in a relationship with a psychopath they keep your life in constant chaos. They are very intentional about taking up your every breathing moment. The attention, whether good or bad is a continuous focus in your life. You get accustomed to that level of anguish. It is most definitely anguish. Oddly, when that anguish is gone the victim feels empty, lost, and desperate for the new anguish of emptiness and pain to go away. The remedy. The psychopath. More crazy making and I wish I understood it better. I wish I understood what this pain I feel for him, about him is all about. I clearly loathe the deceitful manipulator, destroyer of the human spirit that he is. So, why am I feeling this knot in the pit of my stomach and incredible fear at the permanent loss of him? If you have the answer to that one let me know.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

The Bonding Process

I loved this article because it so accurately depicted how my relationship developed w/my psychopath.
The presence of even three of these symptoms indicates a potentially harmful relationship. Anything above this number points to not just probable, but certain harm.

  1.    The Loser will Hurt you on Purpose. My psycho did this early on. But, I didn't at first even recognize it as him hurting me. He'd start off by making comments about waitresses or baristas. "Look at her great smile!" He'd say. Then turn to me and say "That doesn't bother you does it?" Something about the way he'd ask it, I thought he was hoping it would bother me. As soon we began dating he'd tell me - he wasn't really attracted to me physically. He'd talk about other women. Not so much as derogatory, but he would just brag how smart this one was, or how attractive that one was, how cute the other one is. Occasionally, repeated the question "That doesn't bother you that I say that does it?"
  2. Quick Attachment and Expression.   My psycho did this as well. He wanted to be with me every second of the day. He'd call me numerous times throughout the day. He'd phone me just minutes after we parted. He'd phone me in the morning to wish me a good day. Call me every night to say good night. When we were together he was ultra focused on me and couldn't seem to get enough of me. He had a very high sex drive and wanted me all the time. All the while of course telling me this was unlike the way he behaves typically in relationships.
  3. Frightening Temper. This is interesting because he had a quicker temper early on than later. Well, I'll rephrase that. It was quicker and more aggressive in an overt manner early on. He'd yell, pound the table with his fist, throw things. Later he became the calm in the storm, the "good guy." however the only calm thing was his low monotone voice. He would say horrible things to me and berate me for hours, but remain incredibly calm. So, if I got upset during these session of emotional abuse he'd of course tell me I was overreacting.
  4. Killing Your Self-Confidence. Yep. He'd often tell me he wasn't attracted to me, yet couldn't keep his hands off of me. He'd talk about other women and his attraction toward them as well as their attraction toward him. Often he'd talk about this trait, or that trait, or this look  or that look in a woman that he really liked and was attracted too. Of course they were all traits and looks that I don't have. The abuse got worse as time went on. But, it started early in his talking about other women and comparing me (indirectly) to them.
  5. Cutting Off Your Support. He didn't directly do this. Nothing he did was direct or overt. It was all very subtle yet cunning. He wouldn't tell me I couldn't spend time with friends or family, but he would monopolize my time so I wouldn't have any time to be with them. If I did manage to get away, he'd call me incessantly while I was w/friends or family. Sometimes he would just show up if he knew what my friends and I were doing or where I was.
  6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle. This is perhaps the biggest red flag of all where he is concerned. he'd cycle between mean and sweet several times in a 15 minute period at times.
  7. It’s Always Your Fault. Everything, always was my fault. He wouldn't directly say that. He'd spend hours talking in circles. He'd start off by "being the good guy" and saying it was his fault. Then he'd start weaving his tale and by the end it had turned around and was now my fault. Everything. It got to the point it didn't matter what I did or said, it was wrong. If I said the sky was blue, he'd say no its grey and call me color blind.
  8. Breakup Panic. Yes, if I broke up with him he'd be calling me literally w/in 5 minutes telling me how sad it is and then keep phoning and/or coming to my house or job until I'd give in. But, if the break was his idea, it'd be cold turkey. He'd be gone until he felt he wanted to come back. He certainly wouldn't answer or return my phone calls if he initiated the break. Yet expected me to be available to him any time he'd phone day or night even when we were broken up.
  9. No Outside Interests. Zip, zero, nada. He had no interets at all outside of me. He'd pretend to be interested in things like hiking, fly fishing, rafting. Yet rarely if ever partook in this activities. On the rare occasion if he did it seemed more like obligation than interest.
  10. Paranoid Control. Yes, like I said he would show up someplace he knew I would be with friends. He'd go looking for me. He'd hang out in my back yard w/out me being aware and talk on the phone for hours. He'd sneak in the back door when I wasn't expecting him over and startle me.
  11. Public Embarrassment. He'd diminish my thinking in public and even flirt with other girls.
  12. It’s Never Enough. Oh this is a HUGE one. But, we were already so deep into our relationship when he started this we had developed a strong bond. But, it got so bad one Christmas I was afraid to speak. It wouldn't matter what I said it'd be wrong. He would find some way to twist things to cause an argument and make it seem like I was ridiculuos with EVERYTHING I said or did.
  13. Entitlement. Yep! What he wanted he got, or took from material things, to sex.
  14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Him.  Everyone of them hated him.
  15. Bad Stories. He didn't have good things to say about his ex wife for sure.
  16. The Waitress Test. This doesn't apply to him so much. He flirts and seduces waitresses. Scratch that, yes this does apply to him. It's all a false sense of emotion.
  17. The Reputation. Exactly!! His coworkers and aquintences just saw the facade. The cover. The nice guy. The gentle single dad. However, intimate partners and friends and family members of those partners hated him.
  18. Walking on Eggshells. Yep. But again this took over a year before he became so critical I was on eggshells. It may even have been close to 2 yrs.
  19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions. Every second with every thought I had. He wouldn't discount my feelings, he just didn't acknowledge them in any way, period. Every thought or idea I had he was sure to discount. Always prefacing with "You're smart, but....."
  20. They Make You Crazy. Even for a time I was convinced it was his goal to drive me insane, literally.
3 of these traits are red flags. He had every single of them in varying degress. Yep, red flags popping up all over. The only thing with these red flags is that they become apparent after those bonds are established. Breaking bonds with a psychopath is very difficult.

Here is complete article:


That is how my life became. Crazy. It happens so subtly, slowly and incrementally that it's happening before you are aware of it or able to stop it. By the time your psycho brings the craziness into your life he has already done his work to create the predator/victim bond that is powerful, even addictive. He's also already conditioned you to thinking everything is your fault w/out him saying that directly.

A peculiar aspect of this psychopath/victim relationship is how we acknowledge their behavior is cruel and intentional. We aren't stupid or unaware to how they are treating us. Even so, we somehow deny the impact, or the severity, or are able to compartmentalize the abuse. As if, our brain splits off the emotional and intellectual parts. Similar to how the psychopath's brain works. Intellectually we know the treatment is wrong. Instinctively we understand "normal" people don't treat one another this way. Conversely, emotionally we dismiss it. We just choose to ignore, suppress and sweep it away. We make excuses or convince our minds that we just aren't seeing the situation through the psycho's eyes.
At some point, however, the evidence of a highly disturbed personality shows through, especially once the psychopath is no longer invested in a given victim and thus no longer makes a significant effort to keep his mask on. Then total denial is no longer possible. The floodgates of reality suddenly burst open and a whole slew of inconsistencies, downright lies, manipulations, criticism and emotional abuse flows through to the surface of our consciousness.
Of course this form of denial, or making of excuses by us for their bad behavior further builds up their narcissistic personality. It also teaches them our current tolerance level to which they continually raise the bar in order to get that frenzied emotionally charged turmoil derived from the pain they are inflicting on us. For each time we accept and allow bad behavior, the bad behavior then escalates.

As time moves on I am used to a bit of abnormality from him. During this phase which is called the "devalue" phase, the psychopath's goal is to break you down and destroy you, so they can then move and discard you. Before you know it, your psychopath has downgraded you to nothing and you never saw it coming. Wipe their hands. Pat themselves on the back. Job well done, they say to themselves. Now onto the next! 

This brings me to the "discard" phase. When a psychopath leads you to the discard phase it means he/she has gotten bored with the dance they've created. You've guessed all their moves and are just sort of limply cruising along in your lifeless tired shell of your former self. The challenge has diminished. Discard. But, keep this one in the Rolodex file. That way when they need to a good boost they get the challenge of coming back into your life and working their way into your heart again. Oh goody, another thrill at our expense.

While I was experiencing the devalue phase I became clearly aware of his tactics. Unfortunately by then that symbiotic relationship has been developed. I had accepted the victim and he was the dominate. My sense of reality and what was "OK" had been altered. I had become accustomed to the roller coaster, the to adrenaline rushed days spent working on ways to deescalate him, while he was finding new ways to wind me up. Daily he would intentionally go where he knew it would cause maximum emotional pain. I saw him literally working his mind to come up with what he thought would hurt me the most. I hate that even in those moments I think to myself “oh you poor soul you are so demented, cruel and miserable. What a broken man you are. I feel such sadness for your pain & misery.” What I SHOULD be thinking is how dare you hurt me and be so intentionally and incredibly hurtful. Then turn my thoughts to protecting myself and thinking about ME and my pain instead of his. Unfortunately when this is happening it's already been my conditioning with all the years with him to always put his needs above my own. More so to NOT have any needs of my own because I am inconsequential. The world is about his world alone. At least that is how I begin feeling most times while I was w/him. The mind is a curious complex but oh so simple place isn’t it? In healing I need to continually retreat my thoughts back to where they need to be. On myself, not him.
The mind just can't comprehend another person is as evil as that. I want to grant him sympathy, empathy for him being internally tortured. He wants to continue torturing me for his life's blood.

I was reading this morning on another blog that psychopaths seems to have this powerful sense of knowing what another is thinking. I use to often tell my girlfriends it’s as if he would be reading my mind. Just as I was deciding I’d had enough, thinking I hadn’t let on to this yet, he would turn around and do something seemingly kind. Then when I would decide I could let my guard down and let him in, then he’d do/say something awful.

I also figured out early on that whatever it is I really wanted was the one thing he absolutely wouldn’t want and visa versa. This made me try to out smart him a lot of the time and pretend I didn’t like something I did and visa versa. I hated this because I felt like I was then becoming like him. I started to become the person he was always accusing me of being (which I wasn’t previously), angry, bitter, and spiteful right back to him. I hated that!!! At the time it felt like survival. Simultaneously I was angry w/myself for choosing to “survive” w/him rather then get rid of him. I could never understand how he could tolerate living in his own mind because it was torturing me living in that roller coaster chaotic world. Misery just became a way of life w/him. Well, now I know how he lived in his world w/out going insane himself – he was feeding on my misery and thriving, while I was dying.
However, even then it’s difficult to absorb such painful information all at once. Our heart still yearns for what we have been persuaded, during the luring phase, was our one true love. Our minds are still filled with memories of the so-called good times with the psychopath. Yet, the truth about the infidelities, the constant deception, the manipulation and the backstabbing can no longer be denied. We can’t undo everything we learned about the psychopath; we cannot return to the point of original innocence, of total blindness. The result is a contradictory experience: a kind of internal battle between clinging to denial and accepting the truth.
For the full article click here:

Thursday, October 20, 2011

If He Seems to Good to be True He Probably Is

For the full article click the link below.

Psychopaths don’t just hurt those around them. They build them up first, so that the fall will be more painful and, preferably, shatter them. The higher a psychopath takes you during the idealization phase of the relationship (when he showers you with flattery, gifts and declarations of eternal love), the lower you can expect to fall in his eyes during the devaluation phase, when he isolates you from loved ones, undermines your confidence and criticizes you both to your face and to others.
My psychopath would never directly try to isolate me from my loved ones. He is much too good to be that obvious. He'd talk about how much he liked my mom, and other members of my family. Although he always managed to monopolize my time and keep me away from friends and family as much as possible. His would exhibit more of an expression of neediness so I'd feel like he was just lost without me which made me want to spend all my time with him instead with others. 

 He is also the kind of psychopath whose life is parasitic. He loves to have other people take care of his needs. If a family member wanted to cook us dinner for example. He'd be all over that for two reason. First it was free meal. He didn't need to spend any money on food. Plus, someone else would be doing the preparing, cooking, cleaning and all he was expected to do was show up. He loved that. His grandmother purchased his home, his father purchased his car, he managed to get me to supply dinner for he and his children for a good part of the 1st year we were together until I finally refused to do it any longer and required him to supply his family meals. He of course tried making me feel that I was being unreasonable for this.

He also continued to simultaneously build me up, still nearly 8 years later while at the same time tearing me down. But again never directly. He would never come straight and out and call me names or tell me I was stupid. Again, he is much too good for that. He would however tell me how smart I was about everything but this one thing..and then continue to tear my thoughts down about a particular issue. It turns out soon every thought or idea I expressed I would get the same reaction from him. "You're really smart Lisa, but on this one thing......"  Very smart of him. I can't accuse him of calling me stupid when he starts off by telling me how smart I am. Just before tearing every thought I have to shreds.

 All psychopaths behave this way towards their partners, at the very least on an emotional level. They gain your love and trust only to  take sadistic pleasure in harming you. Each time you forgive their behavior and take them back, they enjoy the thrill of having regained your confidence so that they can hurt you again. Psychopaths engage in psychological torture for the same reason that totalitarian regimes do: to crush you body and spirit; to have you entirely at their mercy and under their control.

I don't know which hurts more physical or physcological. When it's physical abuse it seems like more people understand your dilemma and why you feel trapped. But, the psychological abuse people can't figure out why you stay for all that mistreatment. They wonder why you can't see what a total jerk you have. Well, the trouble is you can see that side.But, they keep you so off balance with just enough charm to keep your hope alive that tomorrow they'll be completely different. They also have you at some level convinced you are to blame for all the abuse.

Love me, leave me, love me, leave me...

The past seems to somehow miraculously disappear, along with their declared feelings for us, and commitments to us, all in the blink of an eye.

This always puzzled me how I could be his entire world one minute and the next I'd be erased. He often would say "he was being good and staying away so as not to hurt me any longer." The significance I played in his children's lives seemed to be of no importance either. I was the "permanent" semi -steady relationship while he had multiple short time ones. His children are part of his disguise as a nice normal guy. So, he would bring new women in immediately to meet his children, while still having me around. This forced the children also to lie so his secret of a new conquest wouldn't be found out. Soon as he had the next victim lined up for over night stays is when he'd tell me he was going to be better and say away from me so he wouldn't be hurting me any longer. He would never stay away long though. This revolving bedroom door of his has taken a toll on his youngest child in particular who has become quite bonded with me. I 've been in her life for 8 years, she was just 2 when I came into her life. I feel so very sad for her.

 In the end, we come to realise that any feelings they said they had for us were nothing more than a primitive expression of emotion designed to have whatever needs they wanted us to meet in that precise here and now moment. Once they are done with us and have secured their next victim, they can delete us as though the past never happened and we never existed. And yet, periodically, they pop up to harass and stalk some of their previous victims, not because they miss them, but because they need those dominance bonds to feel empowered and alive.

Here is the full article

Setting up and hooking in the victims

I really liked this article because it defined exactly how my psychopath categorizes his multiple relationships; He'd have "best friends w/benefits" who he'd continualy promise to commit to and professing his love to her. Telling her also during the relationship that he had no interest in anybody else. He would give her lots of mixed msgs so she'd hear one thing, but experience another. At the same time he'd be pursuing another target w/promises of a long lasting future together. Only to toy w/that one for about a year before the he'd begin the best of emotional torture in full speed ahead. He will have done small things during that "honeymoon" phase. She'll be left thinking they are having just a bit of  "misunderstandings." He'll convince her that he'll work on better communication so that won't keep happening. But, it'll only escalate because he's now discovered her tolerance level and will begin raising it. Getting her more and more use to being treated badly. She won't yet understand what is truly happening, nor she will recognize he's the creator of the ensuing tensions. He won't come out and directly tell her it's her fault. In fact he may even do the opposite and say it's all his fault and apologize. These are just words though because even though he's saying it's his fault, he believes it is hers. His actions are very subtle and she'll begin doubting herself as well. She'll be left wondering what she is doing that is bringing this turmoil into the relationship. This will last about another 4 or 5 months with multiple break up/make ups along the way. However, with each "make-up" he's seeing her as a weaker and weakere victim that tolerates his abuse, which will only continue to escalate. Eventually, if she's still able to hold onto some of her self assurandness, she'll initiate what she is sure is the final break up feeling shattered and disillusioned. But, psychopaths don't go away easily. So, the cycle could go on for quite some time. Here's a link to read more:

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

What Does a Psychopaths Feel?

"Psychopaths can’t tolerate loneliness. Just as all human beings can’t survive physically without food and water, psychopaths can’t survive emotionally without victims."
BINGO!!! This is one thing my psychopath disdains more than his victim. His entire existance is to avoid being alone. He'll do anything and everything to avoid it. I now see it as his sole motivation for every victim he lures in, myself included. Well, avoiding lonliness and the elation he feels whilst causing his victim great emotional distress.

"They have nothing but disdain for the emotions that normal human beings feel. But at the same time, psychopaths can’t live without feeding upon the real and deeper emotions of people who care about them, of individuals who can love: in other words of the people they use, abuse, toy with, lie to and hurt."
This is so incredibly true! My psychopath insatiable hunger to toy with me and his family members is all the amusement his brain could feed on. He thrived on it. Like air to breathe. Wow, I still can't believe it took me nearly 8 years to discover this is what he is. A psychopath. He fits the profile so completely it is difficult to wrap  my brain around.

"Psychopaths are often sexual predators. But even more often, and certainly more fundamentally, they’re emotional predators. What they want from their victims is far more than possessing their bodies or sex. They need to feed their insatiable appetite for harm, as well as sustain their sense of superiority, by possessing and destroying others inside and out, body and soul. A psychopath’s emotional framework is like a vacuum that needs to suck out the emotional energy from healthy individuals in order to survive."
My psychopath made quick note of what was important to me, what my deepest fears were, and where he could wound me the deepest emotionally and would go in for the kill often. Then he would become shocked and/or angry if I reacted. He would often act perplexed or confused at my having been hurt by something so small (in his mind), or so he would pretend. He would try to convince me he had no idea that could be hurtful. Better yet he would deny having said it emphatically! Just seconds after saying it. He would deny it so convincingly that I would doubt what I heard myself.

"The emotions of a psychopath are:


Yep, these are what my psycho expressed. He speaks very softly, and moves slowly which is what he uses to convince people he is gentle and harmless. Once I became closer to him I noticed he was often angry, frustrated, wanting to dominate me in every way, and would experience brief, very brief sometimes only a few seconds of glee. Mostly he wallows in misery and works it to his advantage to gain sympathy and comfort.

For more reading on what a psychopath does/doesn't feel click this link.

The process of dehumanizing their victim

Upon further study I am now calling my sociopath a psychopath. It has come to my attention the manner in which he manipulates and tries to dehumanize his victim by emotional cruelty all the while being greatly amused in the process is a trait that makes him more a psychopath than a sociopath. He gets great satisfaction by causing me pain. The deeper the pain, the more satisfied he feels.

I can think of one incredibly honest thing my psychopath told me.

"Sometimes I hurt you just to see if I can win you back."

It's all a game and I knew it was a game. Yet, I didn't understand what a true psychopath was until now. I made excuses for the game. I told myself that he's only doing it to try and protect himself. He's afraid of being hurt so he hurts me first.

WTF???? How did I rationalize that one?

Interesting how skued ones thinking becomes after one has been manipulated long enough. Psychopaths mold you into the perfect victim, slowly, incrementally over time.

They first assess if you have the right ingredients for molding which is what the following post is all about. I see now, I was prime ingredients. Just the right mixture for a salivating psycho to sink his teeth into.

Someone said to me that having this blog and spending time thinking about this psychopath gives him way too much power and he would love knowing I'm doing this, therefore I shouldn't. Quite the contrary. If I chose NOT to do it for the sole reason that I know how HE would feel about it. Then THAT gives him too much power. I enjoy doing this. It is greatly healing and cathartic. This is my journal and it helps me process my thoughts and sort out my emotions so they can then be released. It is solely for my benefit and has nothing to do with him.

I don't give a fuck if it makes him feel powerful. I don't care how it makes him feel, if he feels anything at all. He can feel powerful, powerless, elated, frustrated, angry, I don't care. He can't feel love, joy, or connect with anyone like a human being. The very elements that make one human are missing in him. So, I think I have one up on him and always will.

Regardless how he victimized me, perpetrated me, manipulated me, I truly don't care. I know I am superior in a way he will never be. He doesn't have the power to take my humanity away. He operates purely on instinct, like an animal. I on the other hand have a much deeper human experience. One that he can never understand, or have. I know he deeply craves and desires it and is an incredibly unhappy lonely person because he can't achieve or attain the greatness of being human the way I can.  I believe it is out of pure jealousy of a psychopaths inability to be fully human is the driving force behind their manipulations and sadistic manner. It's the fuel that energizes them in their pursuit to dehumanize their victims. For that, I will always feel incredibly powerful over him, and have great pity for him. I have the one thing he covets the most but will never be able to take from me. I am human.