Monday, October 24, 2011

Lets Talk About Sex

Our sexuality and sexual habits are an extension and expression of our psychological make up as well as our personality. It is also a good barometer for measuring the likelihood of your significant other being, or not being a psychopath.

Just as all people are unique and different, so are psychopaths. Yes, they all have very common traits that set them apart from the rest of society. But, they also have traits and characteristics expressed w/in a realm of various categories of psychopathy. As in many attached labels to any group of people there will also be crossovers. One person isn't 100% narcissistic, or 100% paranoid. Rather degrees of these attributes are present in varying levels w/in an individual.

"Inevitably, the sexuality of patients with personality disorders is thwarted and stunted. In the Paranoid Personality Disorder, sex is depersonalized and the sexual partner is dehumanized. The paranoid is besieged by persecutory delusions and equates intimacy with life-threatening vulnerability, a "breach in the defenses" as it were. the paranoid uses sex to reassure himself that he is still in control and to quell is anxiety" Read more at Suite101: Sexual Behavior: Sex and Personality Disorders |
This was how my ex viewed sex, as a way to quell his anxiety. Sex with him was very impersonal and he always needed to assert himself as being the one in complete and absolute control.
He always had to be doing, or saying something to alienate me, anger me, or push me away, or completely discard me, only to turn up sometimes minutes later, sometimes hrs, other times days later- wanting sex. This was foreplay to him. He could keep his illusion of having conquered something(someone) and recycle that behavior and person in the same manner again and again. After about the 6th year it would get so bad that he would be incredibly cruel, make being in his presence intolerable, so I'd either insist he leave, (if we were at  my house), or I'd decide to leave if I were at his home. My ex would then phone me w/in 3 minutes to tell me how he missed me, didn't want to be w/out me, doesn't know why those things came out of his mouth, it's all his fault and would I please, please, come back. He'd promise to light candles, get some wine, put on some nice music, literally whateve it was that he knew I wanted from him - he'd then dangle like a carrot to entice me. Of course rarely if ever were these promises followed through.

 "The somatic narcissist uses other people's bodies to masturbate. Sex with him - pyrotechnics and acrobatics aside - is likely to be an impersonal and emotionally alienating and draining experience. The partner is often treated as an object, an extension of the somatic narcissist, a toy, a warm and pulsating vibrator." (

 A warm body next to him is all he required. He couldn't be bothered to touch his partner, kiss his partner, or do anything he was sure his partner wanted.  But, he would certainly insist he was well taken care of in every way. If his partner decided not to comply he'd either lay there and take care of his need himself by masterbating, or he'd force himself on his partner. That was the biggest turn on to him. The more unhappy you were in the sexual experience, the more excited he would become. I'm sure this is another reason why he'd create so much turmoil and drama just prior to wanting sex. He knew you'd either not be interested and he'd have to work extra hard to conquer you, or he would just cut to the chase and take you regardless if you were willing or not.
 "It is a mistake to assume type-constancy. In other words, all narcissists are BOTH cerebral and somatic. In each narcissist, one of the types is dominant. So, the narcissist is either OVERWHELMINGLY cerebral - or DOMINANTLY somatic. But the other type, the recessive (manifested less frequently) type, is there. It is lurking, waiting to erupt."(

True. He would oscillate between two or three extremes. He'd be hyper-sexual, wanting it ALL the time. Other times, he'd be hypo-sexual, not wanting it at all. He'd still want to masturbate of course. Can't ever go w/out that! Other times he'd pretend not to want it, or me - only to turn around seconds later, or minutes, or hours, and demand it.

The one consistency is that his needs, were the only needs that mattered. I could have been a warm pulsating blow up doll and that would have been alright with him. His dream may be a warm life like Stepford Wife. She would have no needs of her own and he could pretend to torture her to his hearts content w/out repercussions. His dream date.


  1. I am a fan of Vaknin's way of explaining other people's known works and i assume that you are since you link to his material. Are you aware that Vaknin, in the movie "I, Psychopath", failed to test as a psychopath with the Hare's PCL-R Psychopath Checklist and tested as a Narcissist, but brain scans in Europe confirmed that he me the criteria via brain imaging as being in fact a psychopath. He submitted to all of this testing freely while making a documentary about it. He calls himself a Doctor, but admits to buying his PhD from some pacific island online university. He was outted by his own documentary for that and no linger calls himself a Doctor.

  2. Hi "Anonymous," Yes, I am aware of Vaknin's failing the psychopath test, but being diagnosed as a Narcissist. I am not a dr.. But, it is my understanding they are of the same spectrum. So, the distinction is a very fine line, for me. It also doesn't surprise me that Europe's diagnosis would qualify him as a psychopath. As I said, it's of the same spectrum of personality disorders. I also did notice his "outing" himself. Frankly, it doesn't matter to me what degree he has. What does matter to me, is that he is speaking from personal experience. Degree, or not - he does have a great way of helping us "empaths" understand the disordered mind.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this blog entry and for your comment!
    Lisa Jean

  3. No problem, I enjoyed reading here. I like the way Vaknin explains things as well, just not the way he speaks to his wife and other people. IN the movie mentioned above, he had the producer in fear of his raging outbursts. He is a nutcase in one regard, and a genius in another. A deceptive almost liar in one regard, and a bringer of truth in another. He definitely engages in "splitting". I just like to let people know his background. I mean for yourself, is he one more borderline psychopath that has wooed you? I ask you to reflect and comment. It just dawned on me that THAT is a pretty good question.

  4. "Wooed" me? That is an interesting choice of verbs. No he has not "wooed" me in the sense you are referring to. I do find his perspective important to understand. I see him as a very isolated individual who walks this earth alone. Anyone with his personality disorder is unable to have any true connection with another because they are so consumed with themselves, it leaves no room for others. LOL...that is a pretty good question. But "wooing" me would require I feel some sense of camaraderie, or connection in understanding, of which w/this individual I have non.

    Being both "nutcase" and genius is very typical with a disordered personality. While a disordered person can excel in one are of intelligence, their emotional intelligence will always be dismal.

    Thank you again for reading. I do find his work an interesting read and I like how he articulates, as best he can the mind of a sociopathic personality. I hope in some way you've found this blog equally educational and helpful for your understanding of a sociopath and how we "empaths" fit into their lives and visa versa.