Monday, October 17, 2011

Still in Shock

Today I'm considering looking for a support group for those who've been in a relationship with a psychopath. Even typing that phrase is difficult for me. I barely got through the work day today w/out breaking down into fits of crying. Well, I didn't get through work, I broke down many times which is why I'm not working tomorrow.  I don't even completely understand all the mixed emotions I'm feeling. I know two things for sure, one is that I am devasted beyond words, full of sorrow and deep deep pain for this person who didn't and doesn't choose to be a psychopath. This is how he was born. It's beyond his control. I could always see he was internally tortured in some way. I just wasn't able to see exactly how. I keep getting these flashes of expressions on his face, and hear words he's said and even tears I've seen him weep over the deep pain he is in. No I have never seen him weep tears for me. Always tears for himself. But, again that is NOT his fault. His brain is unable to empathize with my pain. I ask myself why should I expect him to treat me with kindness and care when he has no reference for what that means?

I'm having a hard time typing this message even for my tears for him. I have no one to share my sorrow with. I want nothing more than to have somebody with me that can share this pain. Someone that can at least understand why I can't hate my psychopath.  There are so many feelings streaming through me I can scarecly track them. I have great, great sorrow for this man and the suffering that has been his entire life and will continue to be until the day he dies. I can see him watching people. I can see and feel him watching me when I am feeling joyful, or happy. In particular when I am laughing something I realized I rarely ever did while with him. When he is watching me I can feel his emptiness. I can feel his desire to have what I have but he has no clue how to get it. I can also see how he hates me because I am able to experience joy and love in a way he will never understand. If I were in his place, I would hate me too. I would hate every person who felt great joy and love. Because I would be so angry and saddened that I could NOT have that. The one thing that makes people human and connects them, that one thing that is the very purpose and meaning of life, that is the reason we are here for on this planet together and that is to care for and feel for each other. That vital ingredient that makes a human a human is missing. How I would envy every human that was able to have that experience and yet I could not. So, how can I blame him for wanting to hurt me? I can't. I don't want to let him back in my life to hurt me again. But, I can't hate him for the all the times he's toyed with my heart, jerked my head around, and hurt my feelings for his own satisfaction. I understand. Given that I understand why he does it, I actually have some sense of gratitude that he wasn't more cruel. He could of been worse I suppose. Not much, because I believe it would have seriously and literally killed me had it been any worse. However, knowing that the only way a psychopath's brain is able to feel and experience sensations the way our "normal" brains do when we are in love, bonding, laughing and FEELING is through the rush of conquering another by having the power to hurt them I can fully understand why he did all the things he did to me. I'm actually finding myself appreciating every kind word, gesture or deed he ever did. I have to believe he felt SOMETHING, even if just smidgen of care. Otherwise I don't know what the motivation would have been to do and see certain things that I can see he would have gained nothing from. These are few and far between but they are there. I want to believe he did and does love me at least as far as he is able to comprehend love. I want to believe he loves his children in some way, even if it isn't a way we 'normal' brained creatures experience it. He is a human. He is here on this planet. He's a creature of God and has the right to be loved as any one born does. But, how does he ever get to have that, or feel that? We are told to run like the wind from a psychopath because of the havoc that wrecks your life when they are in it. But, if we all ran from them, where would that leave them? The do feel for themselves. They do feel lonliness, suffering, pain, sadness. They just don't feel any of those things for anyone but themselves.

This post is just a rant to get all these thoughts out of my head that are flooding me. I need to release them somehow. No other point to this post. Just trying to drain the misery from my brain and heart at the discovery that the person I've loved for so many years is so broken and doomed. Not because of anything he's done. But, just because he was born. What is sadder? The word sad doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about this. I don't know that there is a word that describes this deep pain and sorrow that is enveloping me for this man and those who love and care for him.

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