Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Never Judge a Psycho until You Walk in His/Her Shoes

Okay, I'm not a dr, or a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist or counselor. I haven't written a dissertation on psychopaths, or sociopaths. I haven't spent years researching, interviewing, or reading medical journals on the topic. What I have is first hand intimate experience from having been in an on/off relationship with a psychopath for nearly 8 years. This first hand experience, in my opinion, gives me insight and depth of knowledge that journals and research papers can't even come close.

I'm sitting in my living room listening to music. Suddenly I realized how bombarded we, (human beings) are with images, songs, movies, television programs, conversions, books, magazines, literally everything  in our world revolves around connecting, bonding, loving and feeling emotion. Deep, meaningful, passionate emotions are the things that make us feel human. They are the things that make us feel connected, spiritual and joyful. I happened to think how frustrating and maddening it must be to live a life unable to access or understand that which makes us human. That which brings joy, That which enhances, enriches, and essentially makes our lives worth living. The very things (emotions, connecting) that make me feel alive a psychopath has no concept of. They only pretend to experience them because anyone beyond the age of 24 hrs is aware.  People feel. I(psychopath) don't. I am different, very,very, very, different. From the very beginning of existence a psychopath begins learning to mimic and mirror that which can not be internally, or intrinsically experienced.  I can not imagine, I simply can not imagine going through this life day to day w/out such emotions.

You've heard the saying "I rather feel pain than nothing at all?" I'm pondering this statement in relationship to my psychopath. It became very, very clear to me fairly early on in our relationship that he seemed to enjoy pain. He enjoyed it when I was in pain, and seemed to wallow and relish in his own pain as well. Therefor I"m asking myself does the psychopath in some distortred way think we (victims) are somehow enjoying being on this rollar coaster of chaotic cycling of meanness, kindness with them? Do they astonishingly think they are giving us a gift in making us feel pain because it is the only thing that can bond them with us? It is the only emotion we can each understand and share?  I can imagine the psychopath could be thinking: I'm lonely, shallow, angry, sad, full of sorrow let me share this gift with you. It's the only thing I can give you. I"m unable to bring you  joy or love. Here, let me hand this to you instead, so you can share in my experience. We'll go through this together you and I. This will bring us closer together. It will bond us.

Numerous times my ex psychopath would have me feeling, or thinking that he viewed me as a robot w/out emotion or feeling. He could hurt me so callously. He could disregard me as if I mattered no more than the mosquito buzzing around the back yard. I can remember on more than one occasion when I was with he and his children he would fix a meal for HE and HIS children. He'd turn to me and say sorry, I didn't have enough for you. You aren't hungry are you? I'd often ask him if he realized I was a human being w/feelings, that I actually mattered and my feelings actually mattered. He'd either not repond are kurtly reply "yes."

If it is true, and brain scans of psychopaths do show that it is, that a psychopath does not hold the capacity in his/her genetic, physiological make up to feel any empathy whatsoever. The psychopath's brain can not recieve signals to experience joy, love (the kind you & I feel/know), empathy, or any of the real emotions that seperate a human from a flea. The negative emotions that are felt, are shallow. So, everything the psychopath is capable of feeling is condensed and watered down from the type we experience. This explains why they are known as the "calm" in the storm. They are the one's that may appear to be handling a fearful, stressful, excited situation w/strength and ease. When in actuality, they just don't care so much. It's of no consequence to them. Unless of course it will affect them in some way. They are completely results oriented. The ends justifies the means. If they can see an end of negativity affecting them, they may appear to react w/some emotion.

I do know what pleasant loving, joyful emotions feel like. I've experienced them. Felt them deeply. If they were gone, I don't think words can adequately describe the void, the hollowness within my spirit that would be felt. What must the life of a psychopath be like? What is it like to live in that world where as a human, I'm not able to access the best part of being human? I can only access that which is negative, painful, sorrowful, angry and shallow? I don't have the answers. I do know that it does help me fully understand why most psychopaths were angry as children and often were in trouble with the law. I simply can not in any manner pretend to know what that existence would be like. You're growing up and discovering a world that you can only partially access. There is nobody you know that is like you. No one can understand what your living, nor can you understand what another is living. That part is the worst part of the world to boot. Are psychopaths not human? Are they not creations of God (if you believe in such things)? Are they not as worthy of all life as to offer in the same manner that we "normal" people are?

I am not excusing their deceitful lifestyles. I have been a victim of such a person for too many years. My experience is one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Psychopaths have and do commit much worse atrocities than what I experienced. However, what I experienced was killing me literally. I have no doubt had I stayed in it any longer it would have killed me. That is the goal of the psychopath. Find the most worthy, virtuous victim for the gleeful challenge of conquering and destroying. They destroy lives. There is no goodness in them. At least to any meaningful degree.  Their entire existence is self serving.  They could care less about you or I. They care greatly about themselves.

So how do we as a society deal with such a phenomena? Human beings who deserve and are worthy of love and happiness for the mere fact that they exist. They are here. The are alive. They are meaningful. If you are spiritual and believe all human life has value regardless of it's deficit, then what do you do about a group of people, 1 in 25 is heartless, free of conscience and lives a life completely and totally revolving around themselves and their own interests?  I don't have any answers. I wish somebody did. I do not think psychopaths crimes should go unnoticed or w/out consequence. But, if they truly are unable to keep themselves from toying with their victims can we judge them? Is this a mental illness in the way bipolar, or schizophrenia is? Do these predators need treatment? Currently there isn't treatment that works. Shouldn't we (as a society) demand a treatment be found? These deviant criminals are spreading destruction everywhere they go. They are in a world they will never feel a part of.

The other side of the coin. Are they too narcissistic to even care? What does matter? We need to protect ourselves, our friends and our communities from these vicious predators. But, who protects the predator from him/herself? How can a life be made for no other purpose than destruction?

Do we offer them love and companionship at the sacrifice of ourselves? Who is meant to care for, love and bond with a psychopath?

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