Upon further study I am now calling my sociopath a psychopath. It has come to my attention the manner in which he manipulates and tries to dehumanize his victim by emotional cruelty all the while being greatly amused in the process is a trait that makes him more a psychopath than a sociopath. He gets great satisfaction by causing me pain. The deeper the pain, the more satisfied he feels.
I can think of one incredibly honest thing my psychopath told me.
"Sometimes I hurt you just to see if I can win you back."
It's all a game and I knew it was a game. Yet, I didn't understand what a true psychopath was until now. I made excuses for the game. I told myself that he's only doing it to try and protect himself. He's afraid of being hurt so he hurts me first.
WTF???? How did I rationalize that one?
Interesting how skued ones thinking becomes after one has been manipulated long enough. Psychopaths mold you into the perfect victim, slowly, incrementally over time.
They first assess if you have the right ingredients for molding which is what the following post is all about. I see now, I was prime ingredients. Just the right mixture for a salivating psycho to sink his teeth into.
Someone said to me that having this blog and spending time thinking about this psychopath gives him way too much power and he would love knowing I'm doing this, therefore I shouldn't. Quite the contrary. If I chose NOT to do it for the sole reason that I know how HE would feel about it. Then THAT gives him too much power. I enjoy doing this. It is greatly healing and cathartic. This is my journal and it helps me process my thoughts and sort out my emotions so they can then be released. It is solely for my benefit and has nothing to do with him.
I don't give a fuck if it makes him feel powerful. I don't care how it makes him feel, if he feels anything at all. He can feel powerful, powerless, elated, frustrated, angry, I don't care. He can't feel love, joy, or connect with anyone like a human being. The very elements that make one human are missing in him. So, I think I have one up on him and always will.
Regardless how he victimized me, perpetrated me, manipulated me, I truly don't care. I know I am superior in a way he will never be. He doesn't have the power to take my humanity away. He operates purely on instinct, like an animal. I on the other hand have a much deeper human experience. One that he can never understand, or have. I know he deeply craves and desires it and is an incredibly unhappy lonely person because he can't achieve or attain the greatness of being human the way I can. I believe it is out of pure jealousy of a psychopaths inability to be fully human is the driving force behind their manipulations and sadistic manner. It's the fuel that energizes them in their pursuit to dehumanize their victims. For that, I will always feel incredibly powerful over him, and have great pity for him. I have the one thing he covets the most but will never be able to take from me. I am human.
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