Sunday, October 16, 2011

Breaking Up With a Sociopath

I'm going to add a few links of what experts and others who have experience with sociopaths and then I'll give my personal experience. My personal experience by the way makes Neil Sadaca's Breaking Up is Hard to Do song seem like child's play. It makes Paul Simon's 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover  a hysterical joke to a sociopath. They are all about control. They'll control when/how often you see them. They control whether you are breaking up, making up, on the verge of breaking up/making up and all other ways in between. They are always in complete control. Don't think you can beat them at their own game. They've had a lifetime of practice dealing with sociopath's behavior.  You're experience and your brains "normal" way of seeing human behavior and emotions are quite comical to your sociopath.

Alright...links and then my story. This first link is a blog managed a self professed sociopath. I'm not sure I agree with much of what he states on his blog. I have no idea if he is a true sociopath or not. But, I do know that much of what he says about breaking up with a sociopath is correct. Proceed with caution.

How to Break Up with a Sociopath


This next link comment about "you can't do anything right" is correct. To your sociopath you won't even be able to break up correctly. He'll hound you, try to get you to pity him, he'll be mean, he'll be kind, he'll be charming, he'll be pathetic. He'll be whatever he feels you need him to be in order to keep him in your life. He won't respect your boundaries. He will break you down. You'll have to threaten and/or phone the police because that is the only way to stop him. Authority is the only thing he hates more than your petty emotions.

Q & A from those who've experience breaking up with a sociopath.


When using this next link be sure to scroll to the bottom and follow other links it offers regarding how to recognize and deal with a sociopath.

Recognizing, dealing with and breaking up with pychopath/sociopath


I am now calling my sociopath, a psychopath because after much research and investigation he fits the profile more closely. Although experts still don't have an agreement on what the distinction between a sociopath and psychopath is if there is indeed any.  For my purpose and the belief that I lean toward is that they both are the same with the exception that the psychopath's only intent is to hurt, harm and destroy. A sociopath does that as well, but their main objection is narcissism, to feed their ego at all cost. If you get hurt along the way, so be it. But, they are too busy taking care of their own needs to spend time plotting and schemings the best way to cut you the deepest. This is just my personal opinion. There is no scientific basis for it. Now on we have some breaking up to do.

Breakups with my psychoopath became as common as tieing your shoes before walking around in them. Most times, it got done. Sometimes we'd be in a hurry and forget to get that taken care of. Either way, our shoes wouldn't remain tied for long. Before much time has passed, we'd be retieing, untying and double knoting. Our first breakup was early on. I don't recall the exact time frame.  Likely, the first breakup came somewhere between the 3 - 6 month mark. I hadn't yet figured out he was a psychopath, nor had any inclination of what that meant. I do know he would give me double msgs. I would often be confused about his intentions. He was "jumpy" at the idea of being called a "boyfriend" and had numerous reasons why he wasn't comfortable with that title. A variety of reasons that changed along with the weather. Sometime between 3 - 6 months I decided I'd had enough of the mixed signals and broke it off. To my surprise he was phoning me w/in hrs telling me how much he missed me, and how he didn't want to be w/out me. I don't remember how many days these phone calls went on before we began seeing one another again. Perhaps a week to 10 days. Things were relatively calm for a brief period of time perhaps for several weeks. Then he began talking about other women and his interest in them. Simultaneously making me feel as if I was his salvation. As if I was the only person on earth he cared to spend time with. Being with me was like air to him. (big red flag I know realize). From that first break up, to these mixed signals, to him talking about other women just continued and escalated. Within about a year I realized I was in a toxic relationship, but by then the victim/perpetrator bond had been established and he knew exactly how to work me to get everything he wanted. As well as how to cause me the most pain and turmoil. 

The bottom line is, a psychopath needs constant stimulation. They get bored very easily. One way to entertain themselves is by playing with your emotions and keeping you off balance and in constant turmoil. This roller coaster lifestyle becomes normal for you over time. As much as you dislike it. When the breakups occur and they'll occur often the lack of the chaos leaves the victim feeling empty and lost. An emptiness unlike one you've ever felt before. It's during that time of weakness and vulnerability that the psychopath begins to work his way back into your life. Each time the two of you go through a break-up/make-up experience the perpetrator sees you the victim as becoming weaker and weaker in one respect. But, also the victim is becoming unresponsive to the abuse. The psychopath needs that emotional reaction and rush from the victims heartbreak. To keep the momentum going the psychopath will continue to increase his demands and abuse. It's also during this time, which is called the "devalue" stage of the relationship, the psychopath is working on attaining the next victim. During the break up phases he has more time to work on securing the next women w/the idealization phase. This may also be the time when he ups what is called triangulation. This is where he tells the new woman how different she is from the old one. How he appreciates this/that about her. At the same time  he's telling the current victim whom he is devaluing all the things that are wrong with her. He'll briefly mention this other woman, the new one in line and how patient she is in this regard or that regard. He hasn't let on he is dating this other woman yet. But, makes it known he COULD if he wanted, In this way he is setting up a competition between the two women. Thinking that they each will do more and more for him in order to be the "winner".

My psychopath used this term with me often. When he'd been pursuing another person and dangling the 'threat' of her over me. He'd often say, "you won."  I'm not going be her "friend" anymore because it makes you uncomfortable. Of course this was also a lie. In all likelihood she had refused to keep seeing him because he hadn't yet given me up. And on and on it goes. Like a merry-go-round. Before you know it this relationship has become sick, tainted, destruction and you feel as if you are dying. But, getting away from the psychopath at this time is incredibly difficult. Unless and until the psychopath is ready to let you go, the relationship and abuse could go on indefinitely.

If you suspect your partner is a psychopath I 'd recommend getting out quickly.  You should cut off all contact. Change your phone number, email address, if you have to your residence. Tell your employer he isn't allowed to come to your workplace. Block him from all social networks. It's the time when you decide to get out when the psychopath feels the biggest challenge and will work exstremely hard telling you everything you want to hear, promising you anything to get you to take him back. It is all words though. Whether your partner is a psychopath, or you just suspect he is a psychopath is plenty of reason to make that break immediately and cleanly. Best of luck!  Check out the break-up resources on this blog for more help in breaking up with your psychopath. Feel free to comment or msg me if you have any question or what further information.

15 comments:

  1. oh my gosh, i dont even know what to say!! at some point i thought i was the one who was going crazy or just never good enough for anything until a friend told me to google sociopath!! to my surprise... im actually dating one!!! im so scared of him and cant even say anything to him. i have been in this relationship for 5 years now and my cup is now full. i have tried everything you have mentioned to break up with him but always find myself back in his arms. this man is really sick and abusive!! im thinking of leaving the country so he doesnt find me! would that be a wise thing to do? just this past weekend, he hit me and banged by head on the floor and after a couple of hours, he acted as if everything was okay and didnt even apologise!! i have really ran out of excuses. i dont have friends anymore all thanks to him!! my friends are sick and tired of hearing about his craziness and next thing im back together with him. im sooooo scared and i dont even know what to do. nothing seems to get in the way of him getting me back together with him all the time!! please advise what i should do! please help. i have booked myself in for counselling and im hoping to get some kind of help.

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  2. I think getting yourself into counseling is a great idea. I was often told by counselors to join a 12 step program like AA to break away from him. I scoffed that off and thought they were crazy. I wasn't an addict, or substance abuser. But, in hindsight I can now see how the addictive characteristics of such a relationship do mirror that of a substance abuse. You may not be aware of it now, but your brain chemistry has actually changed and adjusted to his. You have become accustomed to the adrenaline, chaos, drama etc.. Even though you may NOT like those parts of the relationship and truly want things to be peaceful, your brain no longer understand that level of even calm that a "normal" life, or relationship thrives in. So, yes get yourself some counseling. Join a 12 step program of some kind. If he is physically abuse and dangerous in that way I would get out yesterday. Sooner the better. I would call a women's crisis hotline, or something similar in your area. You need to start protecting yourself and taking care of YOU as a mother would. What would your mother do if you were a child and this person came in and treated you this way? I can imagine she would move heaven and earth to protect you from harm. Be her, for you. You need her. She is in you now. Let her out and let her take charge. I wish you the best of luck. Please let me know how things turn out for you.

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    1. I am so glad to have researched about socio old and never known or been in a relationship with a sociopath,until now! It is going on six years with this man, and I have to tell you that I have been a victim as well. There is no fixing,helping or loving them to wellness. They have no remorse or concern for anyone but themselves. I at one time wanted to hurt and punish this person for what he has put me through, but it doesn't work. You only get hurt more. So, I am taking this advice and running away from him as far as I can, even though it hurts because I love him.

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  3. Anonymous You are very smart for realizing you can't hurt or punish this person for what he/she has done. It would be futile for two reasons. First, he/she wouldn't care. It doesn't matter to him/her that you've been hurt. Second, it wouldn't change the past, and wouldn't help you heal and move into your future w/out this person. Best of luck to you. Think a bit more on your "love" for this person. It is hard to love someone who doesn't have love to give and is unable to receive it. Perhaps you "need" this person or have become addicted to the adrenaline rush and drama this person brings into your life. Because the drama you've been living with has changed the way your brain thinks. Leaving this person will feel a bit like breaking free from an addiction. Get some help either through counseling, support groups, books, friends, wherever you can to help you transition your life to a new phase w/out this destructive force you've been involved with.

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  4. I am sitting here doing research on sociopaths because I too am a victim of this. Just last week, I changed my phone number and blocked him from everything. Lisa, you are so right in the statement that our brains actually adjust to the abuse and drama. My friends would ask me what is it that I am not seeing about this relationship. I would do the same thing as anonymous, keep going back everytime he contacted me only to experience more abuse, lying, antics, scamming, etc. I am in the first phase of this recovery as it is only a week now, but I clearly see from everything I am reading that I have to steer clear, move forward and not look back. It HURTS. All I keep asking myself is WHY, WHY, WHY? I know I am never going to get or find the answer. Feel very lost, but I know Im going to find peace and comfort eventually. What I am afraid of though is that my sense of trust in anyone is non-existent right now, and I dont know if that will ever rebound. So, I feel that I am doomed for any future relationships. Feel sad, very sad.......

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    1. Anonymous, I'd like to know how you are doing now, after several months away from your sociopath? I am sure he has tried to contact you and you may have even agreed to see him. If so, don't be hard on yourself. The dynamics that brought you into such a relationship and those the kept you in it, didn't happen overnight. It stands to reason learning a new way of relating to this person, and others wont' happen overnight either. Give yourself time, don't ask why. Your brain will process what you've been through as it is ready. I'm in several years out, (I've lost track) - other than a brief reunite summer of 2011. I still to this very day am gaining new perspectives on what something really meant that he said, or did. Or, why I responded a particular way and how CLEARLY I see things now. I have no doubt I will continue to learn new insights into this relationship and about myself in it, for years. The key is to focus on yourself. Whenever you find your thoughts drifting to this other person, regain your thinking and bring it back to you. What you need. What is GREAT about you! What you can do for YOU. Don't waste brain space on him. Good luck. Please let me know how you're doing.

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  5. I've been away from my sociopath for just over 6 months with a 5 day slip up exactly 2 months ago today. I'm still obsessed with him, as you can clearly tell, I have the dates pinned. My sociopath is a raging Meth junkie which has ultimately made the situation I was in with him much more addictive for myself because I wanted his drugs. He was a sociopath prior to his drug usage. I would always go back to him after he'd kick me out of out apartment and put me out on the street for days. Over and over, I got used to this routine. I was so humiliated being homeless for days that I would turn up at mental hospitals just for a place to stay. Just the other day he sent me a text message saying he has aids and then sent a picture of the test results. I soon Google's positive HIV test and found that very same picture of the positive test result. My family has allowed me back into their lives and the sociopath knows of this because while in the relationship with him, he calculated conversation with them to convince them I was crazy. I did use Meth at the time, but those mental hospital visits, all 8 of them in less than a year portrayed a different picture. Me gaining my family back ment I had a place to escape to, away from him. Since I will not risk my family relations for him he is now trying to scared me to get a rush out of my reactions. I don't know if I ever loved him, we were together for 2 years. I think he equaled free drugs so I put up with his consistent physical abuse..which was the first abuse experienced by him. Then he pushed drugs into me..literally putting the Meth pipe to my mouth and lighting it or blowing Meth smoke in my face. Next came the emotional abuse that is still continuing. Every manipulation tactic. This sociopath is very attractive and I've read that a lot of them are. I managed to whimper unknowingly during a vicious beating from him (while I was naked) and our neighbor called the police. He wouldn't open the door so the police kicked it in. Me covered in bite marks blood and bruises, said nothing. He was arrested and sent to jail for 7 months. In fact, 2 days ago was the 1 year anniversary of him being out of jail. See, I'm still obsessed. I miss the drugs first and foremost, then him. Oh, but I do miss my idea of who I convinced myself he could be. Maybe he convinced me of who he was.

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  6. Hi Krista, I hope you are doing better and remain away from this person. I also hope you've gotten yourself into therapy to learn why you were and are attracted to this type of person and lifestyle. You are accurate in saying you didn't love him, but that it was the drugs. When you are doing drugs your relationship is with the drug, not he person.
    It's easy to convince a person who they want you to be. Likely he saw who it was you needed and became that for you. It's a double edge sword. Sociopaths are masters at discovering your needs and becoming that which you need. That is the bait. They also begin to show their true colors once they see you have become dependent on them for something. It is their ultimate goal to break you down. To destroy every part of you. They get a sense of glee from watching you crumble.
    Take care of yourself. I hope you have found a safe place and are around people that support you.

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  7. I am currently dealing with a sociopath...I wished I knew what I was dealing with...he has done everything possible to attack me and my family. ..I did get free once...but not knowing until now what I was in..i foolishly got reinvolved. ...I am trying to tell him I want time to myself and want to be alone....he calls and texts me constantly...I avoid as much as possible until he starts the crazy talk...then I passify him just enough to calm him...I am staying low...not going out...trying to bore him enough to look elsewhere and dump me.

    I did see he created a pof page...of course he is telling me how he is goin to wait forever for me...I created a fake pof...I was thinking about getting him to meet this fake pof and show up and pin him as not waiting and be able to end it that way...because he swears he isn't looking.....I just want him gone!!

    What do u all think...good idea or bad????

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    1. First of all, you need to stop "trying to tell him.." and just TELL HIM! You have to be very clear with yourself that you need this person out of your life and then equally as clear with him. No emotion, no negotiation, no asking....You just make it clear, simple and matter of fact. "I want you out of my life. Do no call me, text me, or make any contact with me in any way. If you do I will notify the authorities and get a restraining order. I want no further contact with you." Then stick to those words. Don't worry about "beating him at his own game." It only places you in the same league as him and makes you stoop to his level. You become just as much a part of the game as he is. He will always win. He's been at this long before you and will be long after you. I hope you've moved on. Let me know if I can help you in any way. Best of luck and best wishes for a sociopath free future. :D

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  8. I have lived with someone I believe to be a sociopath. So difficult is it to face up to, knowing how long I put up with the behaviour. I have stayed up at night alone pleading my case as if to a court, arguing the whole night through. I began having seizures. I was diagnosed with dissociative disorder. And still I come back to the same situation, blaming myself. I have to question my own sanity. Over and over the same sick situations, doubting myself, going deeper and deeper into my self. How do I break free?

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  9. You need to make a decision to just stop the madness. There is a book called "Crazy Making" that talks about the craziness of being in a relationship with a dissordered person. They do not come from a mental or emotional state of rationality, common sense or fairness. So, you stop wasting your time pleading your case. It'll be as if you are speaking to an alien. This alien will in turn try to get you to believe you ARE crazy. When in fact you are not. You are sane as can be. That is the only way you are able to see the insanity of this relationship. Do you understand that? Don't blame yourself for anything that has happened in this relationship. Your sociopath will have found a way to manipulate you no matter what choices you've made or actions on your part. The socio always gets what they want and they will always find a way to play their victim like a pawn. Until the victim decides the only way to save his/her own life is to take control and get out and get away.

    The best way to break free is to break free. No bargains, no deals, no negotiations. You make the decision to be free and you do what you need to do to accomplish that. Be your protector of yourself. Nobody is more responsible for you. Nobody knows better what is best for you. Nobody has to live with you from birth to death. Only you. Be there for you. Take care of you. And break free. Best of luck. Please let me know how things work out and if I can be of any help to you.
    :D

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  10. I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years. I checked his phone and he had been "sexting" another woman. I met him shortly after his divorce. He had been living with his parents. He ended up spending most of his days and nights at my house. We were totally compatible, he was a great listener, hysterical, a hard worker, provided a wonderful support system for me and was the love of my life. I had found online profiles on several hook up sites several times and when I confronted him he would tell me they were old or there was a glitch in the system, etc. I knew better. He told me he was molested as a child and confessed that during his marriage he would engage in phone sex with strangers. He said it left him feeling gross and self loathing. He said he was self medicating. Even though I knew better, I stayed with him because I loved him and thought it would stop. It's been 3 weeks since I broke up with him. He has not tried to contact me at all. I am sure he in his sociopathic brain he's the victim b/c I should not have looked on his phone. I don't feel like he ever loved me..instead just used me. I feel like I served my purpose, he bought a house and doesn't need me anymore. The night before this all happened he told me how much he loved me and how he was so happy, etc. I also lent him a significant amount of money several months ago which I doubt I will ever get back. I am stunned and saddened that he has not even sent an apologetic text...reading some of these posts helps me understand a little more that I was dealing with a true sociopath. I found him out. He couldn't dupe me anymore...He's on to the next one. Do these people ever feel remorse?

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  11. Unfortuntaly, no they don't ever feel remorse. At least not in the manner you are referring. They'll feel remorse for THEMSELVES about how THEY have been hurt, about how unhappy THEY are, about how their choices of made life hard for THEM. The only real emotions of bonding, love and affection they have are about themselves. They loathe and love themselves far more than they will ever feel for another human. For them relationships are about winning and losing. They are always sure to come out the winner, each and every time. They love control and they love winning. They love controling their "pawn." They love watching the roller coaster emotions they ignite. They are pleased with the turmoil they create for you. It's like a trophy for them. They love the game, not so much the players in the game.

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  12. Mine was a short relationship, around 1 month old, before that we were friends and I have been happy being with him until the second he decided to leave. It was a case of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ and I was caught totally off guard when that happened. It has been half a year since, I somewhat did the NC and now he does text/chat with me once in a while which is kinda good. However, it seems like I am always the one who initiate contact. I looking for a website with love spells that work fasts. I choose http://magical-rituals.com and I’m very satisfied. Boyfriend back to me and his depression is over.

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