Okay, I'm not a dr, or a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist or counselor. I haven't written a dissertation on psychopaths, or sociopaths. I haven't spent years researching, interviewing, or reading medical journals on the topic. What I have is first hand intimate experience from having been in an on/off relationship with a psychopath for nearly 8 years. This first hand experience, in my opinion, gives me insight and depth of knowledge that journals and research papers can't even come close.
I'm sitting in my living room listening to music. Suddenly I realized how bombarded we, (human beings) are with images, songs, movies, television programs, conversions, books, magazines, literally everything in our world revolves around connecting, bonding, loving and feeling emotion. Deep, meaningful, passionate emotions are the things that make us feel human. They are the things that make us feel connected, spiritual and joyful. I happened to think how frustrating and maddening it must be to live a life unable to access or understand that which makes us human. That which brings joy, That which enhances, enriches, and essentially makes our lives worth living. The very things (emotions, connecting) that make me feel alive a psychopath has no concept of. They only pretend to experience them because anyone beyond the age of 24 hrs is aware. People feel. I(psychopath) don't. I am different, very,very, very, different. From the very beginning of existence a psychopath begins learning to mimic and mirror that which can not be internally, or intrinsically experienced. I can not imagine, I simply can not imagine going through this life day to day w/out such emotions.
You've heard the saying "I rather feel pain than nothing at all?" I'm pondering this statement in relationship to my psychopath. It became very, very clear to me fairly early on in our relationship that he seemed to enjoy pain. He enjoyed it when I was in pain, and seemed to wallow and relish in his own pain as well. Therefor I"m asking myself does the psychopath in some distortred way think we (victims) are somehow enjoying being on this rollar coaster of chaotic cycling of meanness, kindness with them? Do they astonishingly think they are giving us a gift in making us feel pain because it is the only thing that can bond them with us? It is the only emotion we can each understand and share? I can imagine the psychopath could be thinking: I'm lonely, shallow, angry, sad, full of sorrow let me share this gift with you. It's the only thing I can give you. I"m unable to bring you joy or love. Here, let me hand this to you instead, so you can share in my experience. We'll go through this together you and I. This will bring us closer together. It will bond us.
Numerous times my ex psychopath would have me feeling, or thinking that he viewed me as a robot w/out emotion or feeling. He could hurt me so callously. He could disregard me as if I mattered no more than the mosquito buzzing around the back yard. I can remember on more than one occasion when I was with he and his children he would fix a meal for HE and HIS children. He'd turn to me and say sorry, I didn't have enough for you. You aren't hungry are you? I'd often ask him if he realized I was a human being w/feelings, that I actually mattered and my feelings actually mattered. He'd either not repond are kurtly reply "yes."
If it is true, and brain scans of psychopaths do show that it is, that a psychopath does not hold the capacity in his/her genetic, physiological make up to feel any empathy whatsoever. The psychopath's brain can not recieve signals to experience joy, love (the kind you & I feel/know), empathy, or any of the real emotions that seperate a human from a flea. The negative emotions that are felt, are shallow. So, everything the psychopath is capable of feeling is condensed and watered down from the type we experience. This explains why they are known as the "calm" in the storm. They are the one's that may appear to be handling a fearful, stressful, excited situation w/strength and ease. When in actuality, they just don't care so much. It's of no consequence to them. Unless of course it will affect them in some way. They are completely results oriented. The ends justifies the means. If they can see an end of negativity affecting them, they may appear to react w/some emotion.
I do know what pleasant loving, joyful emotions feel like. I've experienced them. Felt them deeply. If they were gone, I don't think words can adequately describe the void, the hollowness within my spirit that would be felt. What must the life of a psychopath be like? What is it like to live in that world where as a human, I'm not able to access the best part of being human? I can only access that which is negative, painful, sorrowful, angry and shallow? I don't have the answers. I do know that it does help me fully understand why most psychopaths were angry as children and often were in trouble with the law. I simply can not in any manner pretend to know what that existence would be like. You're growing up and discovering a world that you can only partially access. There is nobody you know that is like you. No one can understand what your living, nor can you understand what another is living. That part is the worst part of the world to boot. Are psychopaths not human? Are they not creations of God (if you believe in such things)? Are they not as worthy of all life as to offer in the same manner that we "normal" people are?
I am not excusing their deceitful lifestyles. I have been a victim of such a person for too many years. My experience is one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Psychopaths have and do commit much worse atrocities than what I experienced. However, what I experienced was killing me literally. I have no doubt had I stayed in it any longer it would have killed me. That is the goal of the psychopath. Find the most worthy, virtuous victim for the gleeful challenge of conquering and destroying. They destroy lives. There is no goodness in them. At least to any meaningful degree. Their entire existence is self serving. They could care less about you or I. They care greatly about themselves.
So how do we as a society deal with such a phenomena? Human beings who deserve and are worthy of love and happiness for the mere fact that they exist. They are here. The are alive. They are meaningful. If you are spiritual and believe all human life has value regardless of it's deficit, then what do you do about a group of people, 1 in 25 is heartless, free of conscience and lives a life completely and totally revolving around themselves and their own interests? I don't have any answers. I wish somebody did. I do not think psychopaths crimes should go unnoticed or w/out consequence. But, if they truly are unable to keep themselves from toying with their victims can we judge them? Is this a mental illness in the way bipolar, or schizophrenia is? Do these predators need treatment? Currently there isn't treatment that works. Shouldn't we (as a society) demand a treatment be found? These deviant criminals are spreading destruction everywhere they go. They are in a world they will never feel a part of.
The other side of the coin. Are they too narcissistic to even care? What does matter? We need to protect ourselves, our friends and our communities from these vicious predators. But, who protects the predator from him/herself? How can a life be made for no other purpose than destruction?
Do we offer them love and companionship at the sacrifice of ourselves? Who is meant to care for, love and bond with a psychopath?
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Why Do We Stay For All That Abuse?
"For sociopaths, control is like a drug; it's what drives them; it's like cocaine to their system. They need a victim. They need to have someone to control. So they create that victim through charm. Just knowing that they can always get back this person, even when they heap hurt upon hurt on them somehow boosts whatever's missing for them, whether it's a self-esteem issue or not. They thrive on having their behaviour go unpunished." http://www.outlish.com/loving-a-sociopath/For a sociopath/psychopath the need to have a victim to control is insatiable. They are master con artist. They appear to be the "boy next door", the suave business man, the romantic artist, they put on a show to become the person they know you're longing for. How do they know who you're longing for? Some say psychopaths have a 6th sense.Ted Bunday for example said he could spot a victim in 6 seconds by the tilt of her head when she walked. I don't think a psychopath has to be a violent killer to master this technique. They all have it. Amazingly how they are emotionally immature and shallow, yet they can read our deepest desire and thoughts like Kreskin. They've been doing it since birth. By the time a psychopath reaches adulthood he/she has a a lot of practice pretending to be something he/she is not. It's a matter of survival for them. A fresh live victim is their life's blood. Therefor it's primeval and instinctual to read you like a book and become what it is you want. Be vigilant in reading the subtle signs in the beginning. Some things simply can't be pretended away. If you know what to look for. I'll tell you what a few of those things are later in this post.
Mine would use sympathy. He would pretend to be so sad and lonely w/out me. He would flatter me and hold both my hands all night long while we slept. He'd tell me he doesn't hold other woman at all. He doesn't like to cuddle, except with me of course. I'm the exception because I'm special. At the same time he would rarely kiss me and tell me it's because he didn't love me enough. Kissing was just too special and saved for the woman he would marry. I would get incredible mixed msgs. In one breath, "I love you." The next breath I'd get, "I can't kiss you." Then the next breath "I only hold you this way. You are different than every other girl I've been with. There is something special about you." followed by "you're not special enough to marry, though I do love you." Can you see how confused a person can be?
Perhaps his best ploy though was to play on my empathy, which is the very reason he chose me in the first place. The more empathetic, moral and virtuous the woman, the more intense the challenge to conquer her and destroy her. She'll fall harder than someone whose already low.
Hope is eternal. Let's face it, we all want love. We all want that special person to spend the rest of our lives with. The psychopath is aware of this. The person he/she pretended to be, the illusion he/she created is what becomes that person you're longing for. So, when the bait and switch happens and you realize this person next to you is not who you initially began dating, you fool yourself with your own memories. You see this person through those eyes of the intitial courtship. You are sure at some point that person will return. He/ she won't. He/she never existed in the first place.
The sympathy and build me up ploy. I was asked several times each day, what do you like about me? Do you like my eyes? Do you like my lips? What's your favorite thing about me? What would you rate me on a scale of 1 - 10? I at first thought this was insecurity talking. In hindsight I see this was his way of feeding his ego. Tell me, tell me, tell me all the things that are wonderful about me!!
He spent a great deal of time telling me how he lacked confidence as well. How he didn't think he was attractive enough, smart enough, or charming enough to lure women. Of course I would always reply with compliments. Ego "Feed me, feed me feed me!!! Yet that is exactly what he did, continually. Lure women.
No woman likes to see her man cry. Now if you accuse your man of horning you or behaving inappropriately, and he doesn't want you to leave, he does several things, the top one being... cry. Now if he starts to boohoo like a big baby, with snatty nose and the whole works, you're more likely to dismiss his show. But when a man puts down a Denzel Washington tear a la John Q, something in your heart breaks, and you forgive him. In the back of your mind, you know something's wrong... very wrong, but how can you say no to such tightly wound up, deep emotion?
http://www.outlish.com/loving-a-sociopath/
So how do you spot them early on if they are so good and charming? Remember, they are pretending to be someone they are not. They are pretending their emotions by mimicking and mirroring yours. You can cut to the chase by delving into deep emotional self reflective topics early on. Like date 1 or 2!
Ask him/her to reflect on past relationships.Sociopaths hate to talk about their emotions, because they have none. They aren't incredibly deep thinkers or largely self reflective. They don't have the capacity for it. If your psychopath is in the idealization phase and is pretending to idealize you and he intends to keep you his victim for a period of time, he may attempt to play along and discuss feelings and emotions of prior relationships. If he's already conquered you and he's in the devalue stage, good luck getting him to talk about anything that isn't his agenda. Let's say for arguements sake, he/she's agreed to delve into prior relationships with you. Here are some good questions to start with.
Where did he/she go wrong? How did he contribute to the relationship not working?
Did he feel the same in the beginning of the relatioship as he did in the end?
If he says yes, that's a red flag. If he knew from the start the relationship would go nowhere why drag it out and string the poor girl along building her hopes and letting her love grow only to leave her in the end? That act alone shows a man who is not empathetic to the needs of those he claims to care about. He was feeding his own need by keeping her around until she was no longer useful, then discard. Classic psychopathic behavior.
Did he lead her to believe otherwise?
Did he actually marry her?
If so, how are you to know his intentions with you are sincere?
Does he have a string of prior short term, or toxic relationships? If so, red flag.
How does he talk about prior relationship's? Does he show much emotion? Does he conjure up plenty of "ummm's" If so, another red flag. Psychopaths have difficulty talking about or recalling emotions for several reasons. First they don't have any. If they do have some, they are limited and shallow. Second, their memories aren't based on emotion like ours are. Their memories are based on strategic goals, and neutral win/fail occurrences. Psychopaths operate purely on a cause and effect basis. Every action they take, every word they say is for a specific purpose designed to create an effect of some kind. Most often the effect of creating an illusion to you of who they are. If you are in the devalue stage, you are already sure you're dealing with someone who clearly is "off" in some way. A psychopaths entire existence at that point is cruelty and pain dished out at your expense. They are working on getting you to eventually leave them because of the cruelty they inflict. By your leaving them they are completely absolved of any responsibility for the break-up. At least as far as they see it.
Is your man/women a blame gamer? Does he/she have to assign blame to someone for something that went wrong. If so, who is to blame? Why assign blame?
If you're lucky enough to get "references" from prior relationships. Talk with them. Ask them about their experiences in the relationship. Would they set that person up with their best friend? Why? Why not? After all who better to know what this person is like the another who was in your shoes at some point and time. Granted you may not know these people well either. You may not trust their integrity. But, if you talk to more than one and you get similar stories. That's a red flag that is waving high, loud, and long!
You can also bring up topics of politics, religions, introspection, these are all difficult topics for the psychopath to relate to. Depending on what phase relationship is in, he'll either humor you (idealize phase) yet if you probe for deeper thinking you'll see him/her become flustered. If you're in the devalue phase you'll get resistance to even discuss the topics. Most likely you be verbally abused for how inept you are in these areas therefor not worth your psychopaths time to even attempt discussing such matters.
Lets Talk About Sex
Our sexuality and sexual habits are an extension and expression of our psychological make up as well as our personality. It is also a good barometer for measuring the likelihood of your significant other being, or not being a psychopath.
Just as all people are unique and different, so are psychopaths. Yes, they all have very common traits that set them apart from the rest of society. But, they also have traits and characteristics expressed w/in a realm of various categories of psychopathy. As in many attached labels to any group of people there will also be crossovers. One person isn't 100% narcissistic, or 100% paranoid. Rather degrees of these attributes are present in varying levels w/in an individual.
He always had to be doing, or saying something to alienate me, anger me, or push me away, or completely discard me, only to turn up sometimes minutes later, sometimes hrs, other times days later- wanting sex. This was foreplay to him. He could keep his illusion of having conquered something(someone) and recycle that behavior and person in the same manner again and again. After about the 6th year it would get so bad that he would be incredibly cruel, make being in his presence intolerable, so I'd either insist he leave, (if we were at my house), or I'd decide to leave if I were at his home. My ex would then phone me w/in 3 minutes to tell me how he missed me, didn't want to be w/out me, doesn't know why those things came out of his mouth, it's all his fault and would I please, please, come back. He'd promise to light candles, get some wine, put on some nice music, literally whateve it was that he knew I wanted from him - he'd then dangle like a carrot to entice me. Of course rarely if ever were these promises followed through.
A warm body next to him is all he required. He couldn't be bothered to touch his partner, kiss his partner, or do anything he was sure his partner wanted. But, he would certainly insist he was well taken care of in every way. If his partner decided not to comply he'd either lay there and take care of his need himself by masterbating, or he'd force himself on his partner. That was the biggest turn on to him. The more unhappy you were in the sexual experience, the more excited he would become. I'm sure this is another reason why he'd create so much turmoil and drama just prior to wanting sex. He knew you'd either not be interested and he'd have to work extra hard to conquer you, or he would just cut to the chase and take you regardless if you were willing or not.
True. He would oscillate between two or three extremes. He'd be hyper-sexual, wanting it ALL the time. Other times, he'd be hypo-sexual, not wanting it at all. He'd still want to masturbate of course. Can't ever go w/out that! Other times he'd pretend not to want it, or me - only to turn around seconds later, or minutes, or hours, and demand it.
The one consistency is that his needs, were the only needs that mattered. I could have been a warm pulsating blow up doll and that would have been alright with him. His dream may be a warm life like Stepford Wife. She would have no needs of her own and he could pretend to torture her to his hearts content w/out repercussions. His dream date.
http://sam-vaknin.suite101.com/sexual-behavior-a8530
Just as all people are unique and different, so are psychopaths. Yes, they all have very common traits that set them apart from the rest of society. But, they also have traits and characteristics expressed w/in a realm of various categories of psychopathy. As in many attached labels to any group of people there will also be crossovers. One person isn't 100% narcissistic, or 100% paranoid. Rather degrees of these attributes are present in varying levels w/in an individual.
"Inevitably, the sexuality of patients with personality disorders is thwarted and stunted. In the Paranoid Personality Disorder, sex is depersonalized and the sexual partner is dehumanized. The paranoid is besieged by persecutory delusions and equates intimacy with life-threatening vulnerability, a "breach in the defenses" as it were. the paranoid uses sex to reassure himself that he is still in control and to quell is anxiety" Read more at Suite101: Sexual Behavior: Sex and Personality Disorders | Suite101.com http://sam-vaknin.suite101.com/sexual-behavior-a8530#ixzz1bij52fVnThis was how my ex viewed sex, as a way to quell his anxiety. Sex with him was very impersonal and he always needed to assert himself as being the one in complete and absolute control.
He always had to be doing, or saying something to alienate me, anger me, or push me away, or completely discard me, only to turn up sometimes minutes later, sometimes hrs, other times days later- wanting sex. This was foreplay to him. He could keep his illusion of having conquered something(someone) and recycle that behavior and person in the same manner again and again. After about the 6th year it would get so bad that he would be incredibly cruel, make being in his presence intolerable, so I'd either insist he leave, (if we were at my house), or I'd decide to leave if I were at his home. My ex would then phone me w/in 3 minutes to tell me how he missed me, didn't want to be w/out me, doesn't know why those things came out of his mouth, it's all his fault and would I please, please, come back. He'd promise to light candles, get some wine, put on some nice music, literally whateve it was that he knew I wanted from him - he'd then dangle like a carrot to entice me. Of course rarely if ever were these promises followed through.
"The somatic narcissist uses other people's bodies to masturbate. Sex with him - pyrotechnics and acrobatics aside - is likely to be an impersonal and emotionally alienating and draining experience. The partner is often treated as an object, an extension of the somatic narcissist, a toy, a warm and pulsating vibrator." (http://samvak.tripod.com/journal21.html)
A warm body next to him is all he required. He couldn't be bothered to touch his partner, kiss his partner, or do anything he was sure his partner wanted. But, he would certainly insist he was well taken care of in every way. If his partner decided not to comply he'd either lay there and take care of his need himself by masterbating, or he'd force himself on his partner. That was the biggest turn on to him. The more unhappy you were in the sexual experience, the more excited he would become. I'm sure this is another reason why he'd create so much turmoil and drama just prior to wanting sex. He knew you'd either not be interested and he'd have to work extra hard to conquer you, or he would just cut to the chase and take you regardless if you were willing or not.
"It is a mistake to assume type-constancy. In other words, all narcissists are BOTH cerebral and somatic. In each narcissist, one of the types is dominant. So, the narcissist is either OVERWHELMINGLY cerebral - or DOMINANTLY somatic. But the other type, the recessive (manifested less frequently) type, is there. It is lurking, waiting to erupt."(http://samvak.tripod.com/journal21.html)
True. He would oscillate between two or three extremes. He'd be hyper-sexual, wanting it ALL the time. Other times, he'd be hypo-sexual, not wanting it at all. He'd still want to masturbate of course. Can't ever go w/out that! Other times he'd pretend not to want it, or me - only to turn around seconds later, or minutes, or hours, and demand it.
The one consistency is that his needs, were the only needs that mattered. I could have been a warm pulsating blow up doll and that would have been alright with him. His dream may be a warm life like Stepford Wife. She would have no needs of her own and he could pretend to torture her to his hearts content w/out repercussions. His dream date.
http://sam-vaknin.suite101.com/sexual-behavior-a8530
Sunday, October 23, 2011
You Must Be the Exception to the Rule
. As Sandra L. Brown cautions: “I can’t stress the following enough: Your experience with a pathological man will not be the exception to the rule. A personality disorder is a virtual guarantee against any possibility for long-term change in an individual’s core self.” (How to spot a dangerous man before you get involved, 24)
I imagine this is what my ex psycho tells all his victims. At least the previous two and present (3rd victim). He and I were together each time he's gotten together w/these other women. They each new about me, yet continued forward with him. Ignoring the glaring red flag that if he can do this to me, lie, cheat, discount me, discard me, and move on to another w/out even a minute in between than he certainly will do the same to you. I imagine he tells them differently. Of course it's different w/"YOU" - she and I just didn't have the connection YOU and I have. I've just been waiting for the "the ONE". YOU may be it. SHE wasn't. I just didn't have the heart to let her go. I did love her. But, we just weren't "a match."
At night while he's holding them he'll tell them, I don't hold other women like this. You need to know I usually don't like holding women this way. But, with you it's different. There is just something about you I love holding you. Bla bla bla....yawn...yawn...yawn...
I warned two of the three women what their future would be. I told them who this man truly is. I clearly had no agenda to lie. Nothing to gain. But, he certainly had something to gain by lieing. The women, understandably had to find out for themselves. They weren't going to take my word for it. The tragedy is, by the time they find out for themselves. They are already deep in it. He's got them hooked and they're in a state of....."what is it me?"....why do we seem to be having all these misunderstandings?......it'll get better....it'll be different....I know he's not good for me, but I can't seem to break free from him.....They are now in their own hell.
I hate to see anyone suffer that. If I could be like chicken little and run around warning every woman in town "there's a psycho on the loose...there's a psycho on the loose..." I would. But, I can't. If I did, they wouldn't believe me anyhow. They hope he'll be their prince charming. So, this blog is all I can do. I hope it helps at least one person recognize his/her psychopath BEFORE they are idealized into the next victim.
However, it didn't take long before I suspected he was using me to get back at his ex. He always wanted to make sure I was either w/him or at his house whenever they did their exchange w/the children. Once, on Halloween he and I were taking the kids trick or treating. He didn't typically hold my hand when we were walking together. He certainly wasn't holding it this night. But, I was holding his daughters hand. Suddenly he reached for my other hand and began holding it. This surprised me, and w/in seconds he said to his daughter "There's your mothers car!" I knew what that hand holding was about.
He'd sometimes ask if he could "borrow" my dog on a few occasions when I couldn't be w/him during the exchange. I felt that was odd as well. He had no attachment to my dog. Another flag. He'd talk about what a great dog he was (he is a great dog. :) My dog is also very friendly and has never met a person he didn't like and/or latch onto. He never went near my ex. My ex equally never made an attempt to ever pet my dog. In 8 years I can't think of a time when I saw him pet my dog. Not to mention my dog never wagged his tale or approached this man when he would come over. If my dog meets you one time for only a minute. He will ALWAYS remember you and greet you warmly when he sees you next. My dog never did this with my ex. Clearly having my dog w/him during his exchange with the kids was another way of letting his wife know not to forgot I'm in the picture.
He'd also tell me how paranoid SHE was and jealous. He feared she'd be watching us through the windows, or hiding in the back yard when we were together. Turns out HE is the one who watches his women through windows and hides in the backyard. He paranoia and jealousy was either fabricated, or created by his constantly telling her about women he's attracted to, or about women that are attracted to him. He did that to me daily. Over time I began to get paranoid as well because I caught him in so many lies and noticed his draw toward anything female. I had never been a jealous person at all before him. But, because of his constant "sizing" up of every female he encountered, "that girls sexy" "She's got a nice ass", "that girl has great boobs" "she's kinda cute" "so and so has an electric smile" and on and on. While he never directly compared me, each time he'd say something like that, I'd feel I was being compared. I began and still to this day fight the urge to compare myself in every way to every female I know or encounter.
This is exactly what my ex would do. He'd so cleverly suddenly become extra cunning and hurtful. His exceptionally cunning tongue was the 3rd and final sign that led me to believe he was seeing another women several weeks ago. Leaving me no other choice but to demand he leave me alone. Then he was completely free to be with "her." Of course in the past he always made it back. Stupid me. Believing I was his true love because he always came back! Duh! I was a steady victim supply.
BINGO! That is exactly what my ex would do/say to the women he'd court while still with me. Oh so clever!!
(Just a side note):I never understood why the other woman would lie to me and tell me they were only friends and not sleeping together when I'd ask her. If she truly wanted him all for herself, why not be honest with me? Not to mention the fairness of me getting to know I'm sharing my man so I can make a choice whether I want to continue with that or leave, as well as protect myself from STDs. I'd expect my ex to lie. He enjoyed having two women at his disposal.
I felt sorry for his victim of his. I did tell her in the beginning he was manipulating her and using her and be very careful to protect her heart. He convinced her I was trying to hurt her. On the contrary. I don't wish the pain he inflicts on women to anybody. Doesn't matter if I like, respect or even know this person. I know my ex. I know the suffering. I wouldn't want anyone to experience that level of pain and emotional destruction. This woman is happily married now to a man who treats her very well. I'm glad she was able to escape and find happiness. Guess in the end, I was the one asking for trouble because I forgave him for all the lies and manipulation during his time with her, among a zillion other crimes.
From psychopathawareness.wordpress.com
Here is the link to the complete article.
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/14/because-youre-special/
I imagine this is what my ex psycho tells all his victims. At least the previous two and present (3rd victim). He and I were together each time he's gotten together w/these other women. They each new about me, yet continued forward with him. Ignoring the glaring red flag that if he can do this to me, lie, cheat, discount me, discard me, and move on to another w/out even a minute in between than he certainly will do the same to you. I imagine he tells them differently. Of course it's different w/"YOU" - she and I just didn't have the connection YOU and I have. I've just been waiting for the "the ONE". YOU may be it. SHE wasn't. I just didn't have the heart to let her go. I did love her. But, we just weren't "a match."
At night while he's holding them he'll tell them, I don't hold other women like this. You need to know I usually don't like holding women this way. But, with you it's different. There is just something about you I love holding you. Bla bla bla....yawn...yawn...yawn...
I warned two of the three women what their future would be. I told them who this man truly is. I clearly had no agenda to lie. Nothing to gain. But, he certainly had something to gain by lieing. The women, understandably had to find out for themselves. They weren't going to take my word for it. The tragedy is, by the time they find out for themselves. They are already deep in it. He's got them hooked and they're in a state of....."what is it me?"....why do we seem to be having all these misunderstandings?......it'll get better....it'll be different....I know he's not good for me, but I can't seem to break free from him.....They are now in their own hell.
I hate to see anyone suffer that. If I could be like chicken little and run around warning every woman in town "there's a psycho on the loose...there's a psycho on the loose..." I would. But, I can't. If I did, they wouldn't believe me anyhow. They hope he'll be their prince charming. So, this blog is all I can do. I hope it helps at least one person recognize his/her psychopath BEFORE they are idealized into the next victim.
"So what if he USED YOU to break a trust with a woman he was already seeing? It’s not like they were actually *partners* or anything! She was just convenient for hurting his ex (he set her up really nicely to do that a couple of times), getting attention, an ego stroke, and occasional sex while he was waiting for the *right* woman to show up" http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/14/because-youre-special/
However, it didn't take long before I suspected he was using me to get back at his ex. He always wanted to make sure I was either w/him or at his house whenever they did their exchange w/the children. Once, on Halloween he and I were taking the kids trick or treating. He didn't typically hold my hand when we were walking together. He certainly wasn't holding it this night. But, I was holding his daughters hand. Suddenly he reached for my other hand and began holding it. This surprised me, and w/in seconds he said to his daughter "There's your mothers car!" I knew what that hand holding was about.
He'd sometimes ask if he could "borrow" my dog on a few occasions when I couldn't be w/him during the exchange. I felt that was odd as well. He had no attachment to my dog. Another flag. He'd talk about what a great dog he was (he is a great dog. :) My dog is also very friendly and has never met a person he didn't like and/or latch onto. He never went near my ex. My ex equally never made an attempt to ever pet my dog. In 8 years I can't think of a time when I saw him pet my dog. Not to mention my dog never wagged his tale or approached this man when he would come over. If my dog meets you one time for only a minute. He will ALWAYS remember you and greet you warmly when he sees you next. My dog never did this with my ex. Clearly having my dog w/him during his exchange with the kids was another way of letting his wife know not to forgot I'm in the picture.
He'd also tell me how paranoid SHE was and jealous. He feared she'd be watching us through the windows, or hiding in the back yard when we were together. Turns out HE is the one who watches his women through windows and hides in the backyard. He paranoia and jealousy was either fabricated, or created by his constantly telling her about women he's attracted to, or about women that are attracted to him. He did that to me daily. Over time I began to get paranoid as well because I caught him in so many lies and noticed his draw toward anything female. I had never been a jealous person at all before him. But, because of his constant "sizing" up of every female he encountered, "that girls sexy" "She's got a nice ass", "that girl has great boobs" "she's kinda cute" "so and so has an electric smile" and on and on. While he never directly compared me, each time he'd say something like that, I'd feel I was being compared. I began and still to this day fight the urge to compare myself in every way to every female I know or encounter.
He’s got YOU to feed his ego. And breaking her trust was a convenient way to ensure that he wouldn’t have to bother with her anymore and could focus on YOU. He did it so carefully too. (He knows that it’s the series of “gentle” cuts that leave the most stinging wounds.) That way, SHE would be the one saying she didn’t want to have anything to do with HIM, and he could blame HER for why they can’t still be friends. Isn’t he clever? What a creative way to get rid of someone when they are no longer useful! http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/14/because-youre-special/
This is exactly what my ex would do. He'd so cleverly suddenly become extra cunning and hurtful. His exceptionally cunning tongue was the 3rd and final sign that led me to believe he was seeing another women several weeks ago. Leaving me no other choice but to demand he leave me alone. Then he was completely free to be with "her." Of course in the past he always made it back. Stupid me. Believing I was his true love because he always came back! Duh! I was a steady victim supply.
Besides, even if she deeply cared about him, he didn’t have the same deep feelings for her, so that makes it ok to have sex with you, before talking to HER about it, right? He was just so TAKEN with you! Doesn’t that just make you feel all . . . oh, I don’t know –SPECIAL?http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/14/because-youre-special/
(Just a side note):I never understood why the other woman would lie to me and tell me they were only friends and not sleeping together when I'd ask her. If she truly wanted him all for herself, why not be honest with me? Not to mention the fairness of me getting to know I'm sharing my man so I can make a choice whether I want to continue with that or leave, as well as protect myself from STDs. I'd expect my ex to lie. He enjoyed having two women at his disposal.
I felt sorry for his victim of his. I did tell her in the beginning he was manipulating her and using her and be very careful to protect her heart. He convinced her I was trying to hurt her. On the contrary. I don't wish the pain he inflicts on women to anybody. Doesn't matter if I like, respect or even know this person. I know my ex. I know the suffering. I wouldn't want anyone to experience that level of pain and emotional destruction. This woman is happily married now to a man who treats her very well. I'm glad she was able to escape and find happiness. Guess in the end, I was the one asking for trouble because I forgave him for all the lies and manipulation during his time with her, among a zillion other crimes.
From psychopathawareness.wordpress.com
Here is the link to the complete article.
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/14/because-youre-special/
Withdrawal
I fricken HATE this!!! The bond that builds between a psychopath and his/her victim is torturous and intoxicating at the same time. They say for women in particular, it is as addictive as a chemical dependency because when she is intimate with a man her brain releases the same hormone oxytocin, that is released in a persons brain who is addicted to drugs as well.
What I hate about it is I can think I'm completely over it and am so clearly aware of the lies and deceit and torture he inflicted upon me. Yet, I have this knot in my stomach and ache in my heart and want so badly to have contact with him. Something about having contact with him eases that level of pain & anxiety. I know full well that contact with him is harmful to me. I know full well that in the end it'll destroy me. It already has and I've had to work very hard to recover in the past, but I've always let him back into my life again.
When you are in a relationship with a psychopath they keep your life in constant chaos. They are very intentional about taking up your every breathing moment. The attention, whether good or bad is a continuous focus in your life. You get accustomed to that level of anguish. It is most definitely anguish. Oddly, when that anguish is gone the victim feels empty, lost, and desperate for the new anguish of emptiness and pain to go away. The remedy. The psychopath. More crazy making and I wish I understood it better. I wish I understood what this pain I feel for him, about him is all about. I clearly loathe the deceitful manipulator, destroyer of the human spirit that he is. So, why am I feeling this knot in the pit of my stomach and incredible fear at the permanent loss of him? If you have the answer to that one let me know.
What I hate about it is I can think I'm completely over it and am so clearly aware of the lies and deceit and torture he inflicted upon me. Yet, I have this knot in my stomach and ache in my heart and want so badly to have contact with him. Something about having contact with him eases that level of pain & anxiety. I know full well that contact with him is harmful to me. I know full well that in the end it'll destroy me. It already has and I've had to work very hard to recover in the past, but I've always let him back into my life again.
When you are in a relationship with a psychopath they keep your life in constant chaos. They are very intentional about taking up your every breathing moment. The attention, whether good or bad is a continuous focus in your life. You get accustomed to that level of anguish. It is most definitely anguish. Oddly, when that anguish is gone the victim feels empty, lost, and desperate for the new anguish of emptiness and pain to go away. The remedy. The psychopath. More crazy making and I wish I understood it better. I wish I understood what this pain I feel for him, about him is all about. I clearly loathe the deceitful manipulator, destroyer of the human spirit that he is. So, why am I feeling this knot in the pit of my stomach and incredible fear at the permanent loss of him? If you have the answer to that one let me know.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
The Bonding Process
I loved this article because it so accurately depicted how my relationship developed w/my psychopath.
Here is complete article:
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/04/01/red-flags-how-to-identify-a-psychopathic-bond/
The presence of even three of these symptoms indicates a potentially harmful relationship. Anything above this number points to not just probable, but certain harm.
- The Loser will Hurt you on Purpose. My psycho did this early on. But, I didn't at first even recognize it as him hurting me. He'd start off by making comments about waitresses or baristas. "Look at her great smile!" He'd say. Then turn to me and say "That doesn't bother you does it?" Something about the way he'd ask it, I thought he was hoping it would bother me. As soon we began dating he'd tell me - he wasn't really attracted to me physically. He'd talk about other women. Not so much as derogatory, but he would just brag how smart this one was, or how attractive that one was, how cute the other one is. Occasionally, repeated the question "That doesn't bother you that I say that does it?"
- Quick Attachment and Expression. My psycho did this as well. He wanted to be with me every second of the day. He'd call me numerous times throughout the day. He'd phone me just minutes after we parted. He'd phone me in the morning to wish me a good day. Call me every night to say good night. When we were together he was ultra focused on me and couldn't seem to get enough of me. He had a very high sex drive and wanted me all the time. All the while of course telling me this was unlike the way he behaves typically in relationships.
- Frightening Temper. This is interesting because he had a quicker temper early on than later. Well, I'll rephrase that. It was quicker and more aggressive in an overt manner early on. He'd yell, pound the table with his fist, throw things. Later he became the calm in the storm, the "good guy." however the only calm thing was his low monotone voice. He would say horrible things to me and berate me for hours, but remain incredibly calm. So, if I got upset during these session of emotional abuse he'd of course tell me I was overreacting.
- Killing Your Self-Confidence. Yep. He'd often tell me he wasn't attracted to me, yet couldn't keep his hands off of me. He'd talk about other women and his attraction toward them as well as their attraction toward him. Often he'd talk about this trait, or that trait, or this look or that look in a woman that he really liked and was attracted too. Of course they were all traits and looks that I don't have. The abuse got worse as time went on. But, it started early in his talking about other women and comparing me (indirectly) to them.
- Cutting Off Your Support. He didn't directly do this. Nothing he did was direct or overt. It was all very subtle yet cunning. He wouldn't tell me I couldn't spend time with friends or family, but he would monopolize my time so I wouldn't have any time to be with them. If I did manage to get away, he'd call me incessantly while I was w/friends or family. Sometimes he would just show up if he knew what my friends and I were doing or where I was.
- The Mean and Sweet Cycle. This is perhaps the biggest red flag of all where he is concerned. he'd cycle between mean and sweet several times in a 15 minute period at times.
- It’s Always Your Fault. Everything, always was my fault. He wouldn't directly say that. He'd spend hours talking in circles. He'd start off by "being the good guy" and saying it was his fault. Then he'd start weaving his tale and by the end it had turned around and was now my fault. Everything. It got to the point it didn't matter what I did or said, it was wrong. If I said the sky was blue, he'd say no its grey and call me color blind.
- Breakup Panic. Yes, if I broke up with him he'd be calling me literally w/in 5 minutes telling me how sad it is and then keep phoning and/or coming to my house or job until I'd give in. But, if the break was his idea, it'd be cold turkey. He'd be gone until he felt he wanted to come back. He certainly wouldn't answer or return my phone calls if he initiated the break. Yet expected me to be available to him any time he'd phone day or night even when we were broken up.
- No Outside Interests. Zip, zero, nada. He had no interets at all outside of me. He'd pretend to be interested in things like hiking, fly fishing, rafting. Yet rarely if ever partook in this activities. On the rare occasion if he did it seemed more like obligation than interest.
- Paranoid Control. Yes, like I said he would show up someplace he knew I would be with friends. He'd go looking for me. He'd hang out in my back yard w/out me being aware and talk on the phone for hours. He'd sneak in the back door when I wasn't expecting him over and startle me.
- Public Embarrassment. He'd diminish my thinking in public and even flirt with other girls.
- It’s Never Enough. Oh this is a HUGE one. But, we were already so deep into our relationship when he started this we had developed a strong bond. But, it got so bad one Christmas I was afraid to speak. It wouldn't matter what I said it'd be wrong. He would find some way to twist things to cause an argument and make it seem like I was ridiculuos with EVERYTHING I said or did.
- Entitlement. Yep! What he wanted he got, or took from material things, to sex.
- Your Friends and Family Dislike Him. Everyone of them hated him.
- Bad Stories. He didn't have good things to say about his ex wife for sure.
- The Waitress Test. This doesn't apply to him so much. He flirts and seduces waitresses. Scratch that, yes this does apply to him. It's all a false sense of emotion.
- The Reputation. Exactly!! His coworkers and aquintences just saw the facade. The cover. The nice guy. The gentle single dad. However, intimate partners and friends and family members of those partners hated him.
- Walking on Eggshells. Yep. But again this took over a year before he became so critical I was on eggshells. It may even have been close to 2 yrs.
- Discounted Feelings/Opinions. Every second with every thought I had. He wouldn't discount my feelings, he just didn't acknowledge them in any way, period. Every thought or idea I had he was sure to discount. Always prefacing with "You're smart, but....."
- They Make You Crazy. Even for a time I was convinced it was his goal to drive me insane, literally.
Here is complete article:
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/04/01/red-flags-how-to-identify-a-psychopathic-bond/
Crazymaking!!
That is how my life became. Crazy. It happens so subtly, slowly and incrementally that it's happening before you are aware of it or able to stop it. By the time your psycho brings the craziness into your life he has already done his work to create the predator/victim bond that is powerful, even addictive. He's also already conditioned you to thinking everything is your fault w/out him saying that directly.
A peculiar aspect of this psychopath/victim relationship is how we acknowledge their behavior is cruel and intentional. We aren't stupid or unaware to how they are treating us. Even so, we somehow deny the impact, or the severity, or are able to compartmentalize the abuse. As if, our brain splits off the emotional and intellectual parts. Similar to how the psychopath's brain works. Intellectually we know the treatment is wrong. Instinctively we understand "normal" people don't treat one another this way. Conversely, emotionally we dismiss it. We just choose to ignore, suppress and sweep it away. We make excuses or convince our minds that we just aren't seeing the situation through the psycho's eyes.
Of course this form of denial, or making of excuses by us for their bad behavior further builds up their narcissistic personality. It also teaches them our current tolerance level to which they continually raise the bar in order to get that frenzied emotionally charged turmoil derived from the pain they are inflicting on us. For each time we accept and allow bad behavior, the bad behavior then escalates.
As time moves on I am used to a bit of abnormality from him. During this phase which is called the "devalue" phase, the psychopath's goal is to break you down and destroy you, so they can then move and discard you. Before you know it, your psychopath has downgraded you to nothing and you never saw it coming. Wipe their hands. Pat themselves on the back. Job well done, they say to themselves. Now onto the next!
This brings me to the "discard" phase. When a psychopath leads you to the discard phase it means he/she has gotten bored with the dance they've created. You've guessed all their moves and are just sort of limply cruising along in your lifeless tired shell of your former self. The challenge has diminished. Discard. But, keep this one in the Rolodex file. That way when they need to a good boost they get the challenge of coming back into your life and working their way into your heart again. Oh goody, another thrill at our expense.
While I was experiencing the devalue phase I became clearly aware of his tactics. Unfortunately by then that symbiotic relationship has been developed. I had accepted the victim and he was the dominate. My sense of reality and what was "OK" had been altered. I had become accustomed to the roller coaster, the to adrenaline rushed days spent working on ways to deescalate him, while he was finding new ways to wind me up. Daily he would intentionally go where he knew it would cause maximum emotional pain. I saw him literally working his mind to come up with what he thought would hurt me the most. I hate that even in those moments I think to myself “oh you poor soul you are so demented, cruel and miserable. What a broken man you are. I feel such sadness for your pain & misery.” What I SHOULD be thinking is how dare you hurt me and be so intentionally and incredibly hurtful. Then turn my thoughts to protecting myself and thinking about ME and my pain instead of his. Unfortunately when this is happening it's already been my conditioning with all the years with him to always put his needs above my own. More so to NOT have any needs of my own because I am inconsequential. The world is about his world alone. At least that is how I begin feeling most times while I was w/him. The mind is a curious complex but oh so simple place isn’t it? In healing I need to continually retreat my thoughts back to where they need to be. On myself, not him.
The mind just can't comprehend another person is as evil as that. I want to grant him sympathy, empathy for him being internally tortured. He wants to continue torturing me for his life's blood.
I was reading this morning on another blog that psychopaths seems to have this powerful sense of knowing what another is thinking. I use to often tell my girlfriends it’s as if he would be reading my mind. Just as I was deciding I’d had enough, thinking I hadn’t let on to this yet, he would turn around and do something seemingly kind. Then when I would decide I could let my guard down and let him in, then he’d do/say something awful.
I also figured out early on that whatever it is I really wanted was the one thing he absolutely wouldn’t want and visa versa. This made me try to out smart him a lot of the time and pretend I didn’t like something I did and visa versa. I hated this because I felt like I was then becoming like him. I started to become the person he was always accusing me of being (which I wasn’t previously), angry, bitter, and spiteful right back to him. I hated that!!! At the time it felt like survival. Simultaneously I was angry w/myself for choosing to “survive” w/him rather then get rid of him. I could never understand how he could tolerate living in his own mind because it was torturing me living in that roller coaster chaotic world. Misery just became a way of life w/him. Well, now I know how he lived in his world w/out going insane himself – he was feeding on my misery and thriving, while I was dying.
A peculiar aspect of this psychopath/victim relationship is how we acknowledge their behavior is cruel and intentional. We aren't stupid or unaware to how they are treating us. Even so, we somehow deny the impact, or the severity, or are able to compartmentalize the abuse. As if, our brain splits off the emotional and intellectual parts. Similar to how the psychopath's brain works. Intellectually we know the treatment is wrong. Instinctively we understand "normal" people don't treat one another this way. Conversely, emotionally we dismiss it. We just choose to ignore, suppress and sweep it away. We make excuses or convince our minds that we just aren't seeing the situation through the psycho's eyes.
At some point, however, the evidence of a highly disturbed personality shows through, especially once the psychopath is no longer invested in a given victim and thus no longer makes a significant effort to keep his mask on. Then total denial is no longer possible. The floodgates of reality suddenly burst open and a whole slew of inconsistencies, downright lies, manipulations, criticism and emotional abuse flows through to the surface of our consciousness.
As time moves on I am used to a bit of abnormality from him. During this phase which is called the "devalue" phase, the psychopath's goal is to break you down and destroy you, so they can then move and discard you. Before you know it, your psychopath has downgraded you to nothing and you never saw it coming. Wipe their hands. Pat themselves on the back. Job well done, they say to themselves. Now onto the next!
This brings me to the "discard" phase. When a psychopath leads you to the discard phase it means he/she has gotten bored with the dance they've created. You've guessed all their moves and are just sort of limply cruising along in your lifeless tired shell of your former self. The challenge has diminished. Discard. But, keep this one in the Rolodex file. That way when they need to a good boost they get the challenge of coming back into your life and working their way into your heart again. Oh goody, another thrill at our expense.
While I was experiencing the devalue phase I became clearly aware of his tactics. Unfortunately by then that symbiotic relationship has been developed. I had accepted the victim and he was the dominate. My sense of reality and what was "OK" had been altered. I had become accustomed to the roller coaster, the to adrenaline rushed days spent working on ways to deescalate him, while he was finding new ways to wind me up. Daily he would intentionally go where he knew it would cause maximum emotional pain. I saw him literally working his mind to come up with what he thought would hurt me the most. I hate that even in those moments I think to myself “oh you poor soul you are so demented, cruel and miserable. What a broken man you are. I feel such sadness for your pain & misery.” What I SHOULD be thinking is how dare you hurt me and be so intentionally and incredibly hurtful. Then turn my thoughts to protecting myself and thinking about ME and my pain instead of his. Unfortunately when this is happening it's already been my conditioning with all the years with him to always put his needs above my own. More so to NOT have any needs of my own because I am inconsequential. The world is about his world alone. At least that is how I begin feeling most times while I was w/him. The mind is a curious complex but oh so simple place isn’t it? In healing I need to continually retreat my thoughts back to where they need to be. On myself, not him.
The mind just can't comprehend another person is as evil as that. I want to grant him sympathy, empathy for him being internally tortured. He wants to continue torturing me for his life's blood.
I was reading this morning on another blog that psychopaths seems to have this powerful sense of knowing what another is thinking. I use to often tell my girlfriends it’s as if he would be reading my mind. Just as I was deciding I’d had enough, thinking I hadn’t let on to this yet, he would turn around and do something seemingly kind. Then when I would decide I could let my guard down and let him in, then he’d do/say something awful.
I also figured out early on that whatever it is I really wanted was the one thing he absolutely wouldn’t want and visa versa. This made me try to out smart him a lot of the time and pretend I didn’t like something I did and visa versa. I hated this because I felt like I was then becoming like him. I started to become the person he was always accusing me of being (which I wasn’t previously), angry, bitter, and spiteful right back to him. I hated that!!! At the time it felt like survival. Simultaneously I was angry w/myself for choosing to “survive” w/him rather then get rid of him. I could never understand how he could tolerate living in his own mind because it was torturing me living in that roller coaster chaotic world. Misery just became a way of life w/him. Well, now I know how he lived in his world w/out going insane himself – he was feeding on my misery and thriving, while I was dying.
However, even then it’s difficult to absorb such painful information all at once. Our heart still yearns for what we have been persuaded, during the luring phase, was our one true love. Our minds are still filled with memories of the so-called good times with the psychopath. Yet, the truth about the infidelities, the constant deception, the manipulation and the backstabbing can no longer be denied. We can’t undo everything we learned about the psychopath; we cannot return to the point of original innocence, of total blindness. The result is a contradictory experience: a kind of internal battle between clinging to denial and accepting the truth.
For the full article click here:http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/07/29/a-painful-incredulity-psychopathy-and-cognitive-dissonance/
Thursday, October 20, 2011
If He Seems to Good to be True He Probably Is
For the full article click the link below.
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/06/10/psychopaths-and-psychological-torture/
Psychopaths don’t just hurt those around them. They build them up first, so that the fall will be more painful and, preferably, shatter them. The higher a psychopath takes you during the idealization phase of the relationship (when he showers you with flattery, gifts and declarations of eternal love), the lower you can expect to fall in his eyes during the devaluation phase, when he isolates you from loved ones, undermines your confidence and criticizes you both to your face and to others.My psychopath would never directly try to isolate me from my loved ones. He is much too good to be that obvious. He'd talk about how much he liked my mom, and other members of my family. Although he always managed to monopolize my time and keep me away from friends and family as much as possible. His would exhibit more of an expression of neediness so I'd feel like he was just lost without me which made me want to spend all my time with him instead with others.
He is also the kind of psychopath whose life is parasitic. He loves to have other people take care of his needs. If a family member wanted to cook us dinner for example. He'd be all over that for two reason. First it was free meal. He didn't need to spend any money on food. Plus, someone else would be doing the preparing, cooking, cleaning and all he was expected to do was show up. He loved that. His grandmother purchased his home, his father purchased his car, he managed to get me to supply dinner for he and his children for a good part of the 1st year we were together until I finally refused to do it any longer and required him to supply his family meals. He of course tried making me feel that I was being unreasonable for this.
He also continued to simultaneously build me up, still nearly 8 years later while at the same time tearing me down. But again never directly. He would never come straight and out and call me names or tell me I was stupid. Again, he is much too good for that. He would however tell me how smart I was about everything but this one thing..and then continue to tear my thoughts down about a particular issue. It turns out soon every thought or idea I expressed I would get the same reaction from him. "You're really smart Lisa, but on this one thing......" Very smart of him. I can't accuse him of calling me stupid when he starts off by telling me how smart I am. Just before tearing every thought I have to shreds.
All psychopaths behave this way towards their partners, at the very least on an emotional level. They gain your love and trust only to take sadistic pleasure in harming you. Each time you forgive their behavior and take them back, they enjoy the thrill of having regained your confidence so that they can hurt you again. Psychopaths engage in psychological torture for the same reason that totalitarian regimes do: to crush you body and spirit; to have you entirely at their mercy and under their control.
I don't know which hurts more physical or physcological. When it's physical abuse it seems like more people understand your dilemma and why you feel trapped. But, the psychological abuse people can't figure out why you stay for all that mistreatment. They wonder why you can't see what a total jerk you have. Well, the trouble is you can see that side.But, they keep you so off balance with just enough charm to keep your hope alive that tomorrow they'll be completely different. They also have you at some level convinced you are to blame for all the abuse.
Love me, leave me, love me, leave me...
The past seems to somehow miraculously disappear, along with their declared feelings for us, and commitments to us, all in the blink of an eye.
This always puzzled me how I could be his entire world one minute and the next I'd be erased. He often would say "he was being good and staying away so as not to hurt me any longer." The significance I played in his children's lives seemed to be of no importance either. I was the "permanent" semi -steady relationship while he had multiple short time ones. His children are part of his disguise as a nice normal guy. So, he would bring new women in immediately to meet his children, while still having me around. This forced the children also to lie so his secret of a new conquest wouldn't be found out. Soon as he had the next victim lined up for over night stays is when he'd tell me he was going to be better and say away from me so he wouldn't be hurting me any longer. He would never stay away long though. This revolving bedroom door of his has taken a toll on his youngest child in particular who has become quite bonded with me. I 've been in her life for 8 years, she was just 2 when I came into her life. I feel so very sad for her.
In the end, we come to realise that any feelings they said they had for us were nothing more than a primitive expression of emotion designed to have whatever needs they wanted us to meet in that precise here and now moment. Once they are done with us and have secured their next victim, they can delete us as though the past never happened and we never existed. And yet, periodically, they pop up to harass and stalk some of their previous victims, not because they miss them, but because they need those dominance bonds to feel empowered and alive.
Here is the full article
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/10/20/erased-but-not-forgotten-psychopaths-and-emotional-memory/
This always puzzled me how I could be his entire world one minute and the next I'd be erased. He often would say "he was being good and staying away so as not to hurt me any longer." The significance I played in his children's lives seemed to be of no importance either. I was the "permanent" semi -steady relationship while he had multiple short time ones. His children are part of his disguise as a nice normal guy. So, he would bring new women in immediately to meet his children, while still having me around. This forced the children also to lie so his secret of a new conquest wouldn't be found out. Soon as he had the next victim lined up for over night stays is when he'd tell me he was going to be better and say away from me so he wouldn't be hurting me any longer. He would never stay away long though. This revolving bedroom door of his has taken a toll on his youngest child in particular who has become quite bonded with me. I 've been in her life for 8 years, she was just 2 when I came into her life. I feel so very sad for her.
In the end, we come to realise that any feelings they said they had for us were nothing more than a primitive expression of emotion designed to have whatever needs they wanted us to meet in that precise here and now moment. Once they are done with us and have secured their next victim, they can delete us as though the past never happened and we never existed. And yet, periodically, they pop up to harass and stalk some of their previous victims, not because they miss them, but because they need those dominance bonds to feel empowered and alive.
Here is the full article
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/10/20/erased-but-not-forgotten-psychopaths-and-emotional-memory/
Setting up and hooking in the victims
I really liked this article because it defined exactly how my psychopath categorizes his multiple relationships; He'd have "best friends w/benefits" who he'd continualy promise to commit to and professing his love to her. Telling her also during the relationship that he had no interest in anybody else. He would give her lots of mixed msgs so she'd hear one thing, but experience another. At the same time he'd be pursuing another target w/promises of a long lasting future together. Only to toy w/that one for about a year before the he'd begin the best of emotional torture in full speed ahead. He will have done small things during that "honeymoon" phase. She'll be left thinking they are having just a bit of "misunderstandings." He'll convince her that he'll work on better communication so that won't keep happening. But, it'll only escalate because he's now discovered her tolerance level and will begin raising it. Getting her more and more use to being treated badly. She won't yet understand what is truly happening, nor she will recognize he's the creator of the ensuing tensions. He won't come out and directly tell her it's her fault. In fact he may even do the opposite and say it's all his fault and apologize. These are just words though because even though he's saying it's his fault, he believes it is hers. His actions are very subtle and she'll begin doubting herself as well. She'll be left wondering what she is doing that is bringing this turmoil into the relationship. This will last about another 4 or 5 months with multiple break up/make ups along the way. However, with each "make-up" he's seeing her as a weaker and weakere victim that tolerates his abuse, which will only continue to escalate. Eventually, if she's still able to hold onto some of her self assurandness, she'll initiate what she is sure is the final break up feeling shattered and disillusioned. But, psychopaths don't go away easily. So, the cycle could go on for quite some time. Here's a link to read more:
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/08/10/why-do-psychopaths-target-married-or-%e2%80%9ctaken%e2%80%9d-individuals/
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/08/10/why-do-psychopaths-target-married-or-%e2%80%9ctaken%e2%80%9d-individuals/
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
What Does a Psychopaths Feel?
"Psychopaths can’t tolerate loneliness. Just as all human beings can’t survive physically without food and water, psychopaths can’t survive emotionally without victims."
BINGO!!! This is one thing my psychopath disdains more than his victim. His entire existance is to avoid being alone. He'll do anything and everything to avoid it. I now see it as his sole motivation for every victim he lures in, myself included. Well, avoiding lonliness and the elation he feels whilst causing his victim great emotional distress.
"They have nothing but disdain for the emotions that normal human beings feel. But at the same time, psychopaths can’t live without feeding upon the real and deeper emotions of people who care about them, of individuals who can love: in other words of the people they use, abuse, toy with, lie to and hurt."
This is so incredibly true! My psychopath insatiable hunger to toy with me and his family members is all the amusement his brain could feed on. He thrived on it. Like air to breathe. Wow, I still can't believe it took me nearly 8 years to discover this is what he is. A psychopath. He fits the profile so completely it is difficult to wrap my brain around.
"Psychopaths are often sexual predators. But even more often, and certainly more fundamentally, they’re emotional predators. What they want from their victims is far more than possessing their bodies or sex. They need to feed their insatiable appetite for harm, as well as sustain their sense of superiority, by possessing and destroying others inside and out, body and soul. A psychopath’s emotional framework is like a vacuum that needs to suck out the emotional energy from healthy individuals in order to survive."
My psychopath made quick note of what was important to me, what my deepest fears were, and where he could wound me the deepest emotionally and would go in for the kill often. Then he would become shocked and/or angry if I reacted. He would often act perplexed or confused at my having been hurt by something so small (in his mind), or so he would pretend. He would try to convince me he had no idea that could be hurtful. Better yet he would deny having said it emphatically! Just seconds after saying it. He would deny it so convincingly that I would doubt what I heard myself.
"The emotions of a psychopath are:
Glee
Anger
Frustration
Consternation"
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/the-psychopaths-emotions-what-does-he-feel/
Yep, these are what my psycho expressed. He speaks very softly, and moves slowly which is what he uses to convince people he is gentle and harmless. Once I became closer to him I noticed he was often angry, frustrated, wanting to dominate me in every way, and would experience brief, very brief sometimes only a few seconds of glee. Mostly he wallows in misery and works it to his advantage to gain sympathy and comfort.
For more reading on what a psychopath does/doesn't feel click this link.
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/the-psychopaths-emotions-what-does-he-feel/
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/the-psychopaths-emotions-what-does-he-feel/
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/the-psychopaths-emotions-what-does-he-feel/
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/the-psychopaths-emotions-what-does-he-feel/
BINGO!!! This is one thing my psychopath disdains more than his victim. His entire existance is to avoid being alone. He'll do anything and everything to avoid it. I now see it as his sole motivation for every victim he lures in, myself included. Well, avoiding lonliness and the elation he feels whilst causing his victim great emotional distress.
"They have nothing but disdain for the emotions that normal human beings feel. But at the same time, psychopaths can’t live without feeding upon the real and deeper emotions of people who care about them, of individuals who can love: in other words of the people they use, abuse, toy with, lie to and hurt."
This is so incredibly true! My psychopath insatiable hunger to toy with me and his family members is all the amusement his brain could feed on. He thrived on it. Like air to breathe. Wow, I still can't believe it took me nearly 8 years to discover this is what he is. A psychopath. He fits the profile so completely it is difficult to wrap my brain around.
"Psychopaths are often sexual predators. But even more often, and certainly more fundamentally, they’re emotional predators. What they want from their victims is far more than possessing their bodies or sex. They need to feed their insatiable appetite for harm, as well as sustain their sense of superiority, by possessing and destroying others inside and out, body and soul. A psychopath’s emotional framework is like a vacuum that needs to suck out the emotional energy from healthy individuals in order to survive."
My psychopath made quick note of what was important to me, what my deepest fears were, and where he could wound me the deepest emotionally and would go in for the kill often. Then he would become shocked and/or angry if I reacted. He would often act perplexed or confused at my having been hurt by something so small (in his mind), or so he would pretend. He would try to convince me he had no idea that could be hurtful. Better yet he would deny having said it emphatically! Just seconds after saying it. He would deny it so convincingly that I would doubt what I heard myself.
"The emotions of a psychopath are:
Glee
Anger
Frustration
Consternation"
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/the-psychopaths-emotions-what-does-he-feel/
Yep, these are what my psycho expressed. He speaks very softly, and moves slowly which is what he uses to convince people he is gentle and harmless. Once I became closer to him I noticed he was often angry, frustrated, wanting to dominate me in every way, and would experience brief, very brief sometimes only a few seconds of glee. Mostly he wallows in misery and works it to his advantage to gain sympathy and comfort.
For more reading on what a psychopath does/doesn't feel click this link.
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/the-psychopaths-emotions-what-does-he-feel/
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/the-psychopaths-emotions-what-does-he-feel/
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/the-psychopaths-emotions-what-does-he-feel/
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/the-psychopaths-emotions-what-does-he-feel/
The process of dehumanizing their victim
Upon further study I am now calling my sociopath a psychopath. It has come to my attention the manner in which he manipulates and tries to dehumanize his victim by emotional cruelty all the while being greatly amused in the process is a trait that makes him more a psychopath than a sociopath. He gets great satisfaction by causing me pain. The deeper the pain, the more satisfied he feels.
I can think of one incredibly honest thing my psychopath told me.
"Sometimes I hurt you just to see if I can win you back."
It's all a game and I knew it was a game. Yet, I didn't understand what a true psychopath was until now. I made excuses for the game. I told myself that he's only doing it to try and protect himself. He's afraid of being hurt so he hurts me first.
WTF???? How did I rationalize that one?
Interesting how skued ones thinking becomes after one has been manipulated long enough. Psychopaths mold you into the perfect victim, slowly, incrementally over time.
They first assess if you have the right ingredients for molding which is what the following post is all about. I see now, I was prime ingredients. Just the right mixture for a salivating psycho to sink his teeth into.
Someone said to me that having this blog and spending time thinking about this psychopath gives him way too much power and he would love knowing I'm doing this, therefore I shouldn't. Quite the contrary. If I chose NOT to do it for the sole reason that I know how HE would feel about it. Then THAT gives him too much power. I enjoy doing this. It is greatly healing and cathartic. This is my journal and it helps me process my thoughts and sort out my emotions so they can then be released. It is solely for my benefit and has nothing to do with him.
I don't give a fuck if it makes him feel powerful. I don't care how it makes him feel, if he feels anything at all. He can feel powerful, powerless, elated, frustrated, angry, I don't care. He can't feel love, joy, or connect with anyone like a human being. The very elements that make one human are missing in him. So, I think I have one up on him and always will.
Regardless how he victimized me, perpetrated me, manipulated me, I truly don't care. I know I am superior in a way he will never be. He doesn't have the power to take my humanity away. He operates purely on instinct, like an animal. I on the other hand have a much deeper human experience. One that he can never understand, or have. I know he deeply craves and desires it and is an incredibly unhappy lonely person because he can't achieve or attain the greatness of being human the way I can. I believe it is out of pure jealousy of a psychopaths inability to be fully human is the driving force behind their manipulations and sadistic manner. It's the fuel that energizes them in their pursuit to dehumanize their victims. For that, I will always feel incredibly powerful over him, and have great pity for him. I have the one thing he covets the most but will never be able to take from me. I am human.
I can think of one incredibly honest thing my psychopath told me.
"Sometimes I hurt you just to see if I can win you back."
It's all a game and I knew it was a game. Yet, I didn't understand what a true psychopath was until now. I made excuses for the game. I told myself that he's only doing it to try and protect himself. He's afraid of being hurt so he hurts me first.
WTF???? How did I rationalize that one?
Interesting how skued ones thinking becomes after one has been manipulated long enough. Psychopaths mold you into the perfect victim, slowly, incrementally over time.
They first assess if you have the right ingredients for molding which is what the following post is all about. I see now, I was prime ingredients. Just the right mixture for a salivating psycho to sink his teeth into.
Someone said to me that having this blog and spending time thinking about this psychopath gives him way too much power and he would love knowing I'm doing this, therefore I shouldn't. Quite the contrary. If I chose NOT to do it for the sole reason that I know how HE would feel about it. Then THAT gives him too much power. I enjoy doing this. It is greatly healing and cathartic. This is my journal and it helps me process my thoughts and sort out my emotions so they can then be released. It is solely for my benefit and has nothing to do with him.
I don't give a fuck if it makes him feel powerful. I don't care how it makes him feel, if he feels anything at all. He can feel powerful, powerless, elated, frustrated, angry, I don't care. He can't feel love, joy, or connect with anyone like a human being. The very elements that make one human are missing in him. So, I think I have one up on him and always will.
Regardless how he victimized me, perpetrated me, manipulated me, I truly don't care. I know I am superior in a way he will never be. He doesn't have the power to take my humanity away. He operates purely on instinct, like an animal. I on the other hand have a much deeper human experience. One that he can never understand, or have. I know he deeply craves and desires it and is an incredibly unhappy lonely person because he can't achieve or attain the greatness of being human the way I can. I believe it is out of pure jealousy of a psychopaths inability to be fully human is the driving force behind their manipulations and sadistic manner. It's the fuel that energizes them in their pursuit to dehumanize their victims. For that, I will always feel incredibly powerful over him, and have great pity for him. I have the one thing he covets the most but will never be able to take from me. I am human.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Knowing Yourself Better
It is said that a psychopath can spot a victim w/in 6 seconds of seeing her walk. One way is by the tilt of her head! They look for on particular trait, EMPATHY!! They are looking for a person that has a lot of empathy. Makes sense, this is what they lack they want to lure someone who has it and destroy it. That is exactly what my psychopath did. I walk with with my head tilted. I wonder if that's the one trait that made him target me? I am empathetic it has been my great sense of compassion and empathy that kept w/me with him many many times when I was ready to leave. He worked my sympathy continuously.
"Any manipulator's real leverage is in knowing the character of his victim well enough to know how that person will likely respond to the tactics he uses. He may know the victim will give him the benefit of the doubt, buy his excuses, be hesitant to ascribe evil intention, etc. He may know how conscientious the individual is and how effective shame and guilt will be in getting him or her to back down."
This made me a prime target for my sociopath. I am a person who does give people the benefit of the doubt, am hesitant to ascribe evil intentions, and do feel very guilty if I've hurt someone even unintentionally. Even today, knowing what I know about all the lies, I am still wanting to be in denial and believe my sociopath really isn't a TRUE sociopath. He did have feelings for me. He DOES feel great guilt and remorse. He looses sleep over it. I've seen him suffer from guilt after hurting someone. However, upon closer inspection what I've seen is his grief over the consequences of being caught hurting someone has cost him. He looses sleep for what HE has lost and for what he wasn't able to gain based on being being exposed, not over what the OTHER person is feeling or suffering. I am convinced he does miss me in some small way and was attached and bonded to me. Denial is a deep river!!!
"Manipulators generally take the time to scope out the characteristics and weaknesses of their victims. If manipulators gain leverage by what they know about you, it onlystands to reason that the more you know about yourself and the more you work to overcome your own vulnerabilities, the more leverage you gain in your dealings with them. When examining your own character, here are some important things to look for:
1. NAIVETE. You maybe one of those individuals who finds it too hard to accept the notion that there really are people as cunning, devious, and ruthless as your gut tells you the manipulator in your life is. That is, you may even be prone to engage in "neurotic" denial. If you are, even when you're confronted with abundant evidence you're dealing with a ruthless conniver, you may refuse to believe it, reluctantly accepting reality only after being victimized too often.
Yep! That would be me.
2. OVER-CONSCIENTIOUSNESS. Ask yourself if you're one of those people who is much harder on themselves than anybody else. You might be the kind of person who is too willing to give a would-be
manipulator the benefit of the doubt. When they do something to hurt you, you may be too ready to see their side of things and too willing to blame yourself when they go on the attack and throw you on the defensive.
Yep, that would be me.
3. LOW SELF-CONFIDENCE. You maybe one of those persons who is overly self-doubting, or chronically unsure of your right to pursue your legitimate wants and needs. You may lack confidence about your ability to face conflicts directly and resolve them effectively. If so, you're likely to quit asserting yourself prematurely and also likely to go on the defensive too easily when challenged by an aggressive personality.
As much as I hate to admit it, that would be me as well.
4. OVER-INTELLECTUALIZATION. You maybe one of those persons who tries too hard to understand. If you're also one who assumes that people only do hurtful things when there's some legitimate, understandable reason, you might delude yourself into believing that uncovering and understanding all the reasons for your manipulator's behavior will be sufficient to make things different. Sometimes, by being overly focused on the possible reasons for a behavior, you may inadvertently excuse it. Other times, you might get so wrapped-up in trying to understand what's going on that you forget that someone is merely fighting to gain advantage over you and that you should be devoting your time and energy to taking necessary steps to protect and empower yourself. If you over-intellectualize, you'll likely have trouble accepting the simple philosophy that there are people in this world who fight too much, fight underhandedly, and for no other purpose than to get what they want.
That is definitely me!!! I am still hesitant to admit it, even though every thing this man has done at face value is to gain something for himself. I know this. I realize this. It's very obvious.
He has hurt me time and time again. He has promised never to hurt me again. Seen my pain. Yet continues the behavior that causes me pain. I am still unable to remain angry at him. Instead I am fighting to understand his "condition."
I am still seeking understand WHY and make excuses for him. I tell myself that being a sociopath he can't help himself. He does the best he can with what he's capable of given his nuerological disorder. He's suffering more than I could ever imagine. I make ALL sorts of excuses for him still!!!!
5. EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY. You may have submissive personality characteristics rooted in deep fears of independence and autonomy. If so, you might be attracted to the more confident-appearing,
independent, aggressive personalities in the first place. After becoming involved in a relationship with them, you may also tend to let such people run over you out of fear that if you stand up to them you may be "abandoned" altogether. The more emotionally dependent you are on someone, the more vulnerable you are to being exploited and manipulated by them.
Yep.
Even if you're not in some kind of relationship with a manipulator, recognizing and working to overcome any of the aforementioned character defects is a worthwhile enterprise. But if you are in a relationship with a manipulative person, not doing so places you at high risk for victimization.
Guess I still have more work to do than I was aware of. Darn I can't blame HIM for everything even though he's the perpetrator? Damn. Okay, I'll take responibility for needing to work on my assurdance, ability to be descerning, and not be SO empathetic and understanding. Ug!
George K. Simon Ph.D.. In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People (Kindle Locations 1167-1171). Kindle Edition.
"Any manipulator's real leverage is in knowing the character of his victim well enough to know how that person will likely respond to the tactics he uses. He may know the victim will give him the benefit of the doubt, buy his excuses, be hesitant to ascribe evil intention, etc. He may know how conscientious the individual is and how effective shame and guilt will be in getting him or her to back down."
This made me a prime target for my sociopath. I am a person who does give people the benefit of the doubt, am hesitant to ascribe evil intentions, and do feel very guilty if I've hurt someone even unintentionally. Even today, knowing what I know about all the lies, I am still wanting to be in denial and believe my sociopath really isn't a TRUE sociopath. He did have feelings for me. He DOES feel great guilt and remorse. He looses sleep over it. I've seen him suffer from guilt after hurting someone. However, upon closer inspection what I've seen is his grief over the consequences of being caught hurting someone has cost him. He looses sleep for what HE has lost and for what he wasn't able to gain based on being being exposed, not over what the OTHER person is feeling or suffering. I am convinced he does miss me in some small way and was attached and bonded to me. Denial is a deep river!!!
"Manipulators generally take the time to scope out the characteristics and weaknesses of their victims. If manipulators gain leverage by what they know about you, it onlystands to reason that the more you know about yourself and the more you work to overcome your own vulnerabilities, the more leverage you gain in your dealings with them. When examining your own character, here are some important things to look for:
1. NAIVETE. You maybe one of those individuals who finds it too hard to accept the notion that there really are people as cunning, devious, and ruthless as your gut tells you the manipulator in your life is. That is, you may even be prone to engage in "neurotic" denial. If you are, even when you're confronted with abundant evidence you're dealing with a ruthless conniver, you may refuse to believe it, reluctantly accepting reality only after being victimized too often.
Yep! That would be me.
2. OVER-CONSCIENTIOUSNESS. Ask yourself if you're one of those people who is much harder on themselves than anybody else. You might be the kind of person who is too willing to give a would-be
manipulator the benefit of the doubt. When they do something to hurt you, you may be too ready to see their side of things and too willing to blame yourself when they go on the attack and throw you on the defensive.
Yep, that would be me.
3. LOW SELF-CONFIDENCE. You maybe one of those persons who is overly self-doubting, or chronically unsure of your right to pursue your legitimate wants and needs. You may lack confidence about your ability to face conflicts directly and resolve them effectively. If so, you're likely to quit asserting yourself prematurely and also likely to go on the defensive too easily when challenged by an aggressive personality.
As much as I hate to admit it, that would be me as well.
4. OVER-INTELLECTUALIZATION. You maybe one of those persons who tries too hard to understand. If you're also one who assumes that people only do hurtful things when there's some legitimate, understandable reason, you might delude yourself into believing that uncovering and understanding all the reasons for your manipulator's behavior will be sufficient to make things different. Sometimes, by being overly focused on the possible reasons for a behavior, you may inadvertently excuse it. Other times, you might get so wrapped-up in trying to understand what's going on that you forget that someone is merely fighting to gain advantage over you and that you should be devoting your time and energy to taking necessary steps to protect and empower yourself. If you over-intellectualize, you'll likely have trouble accepting the simple philosophy that there are people in this world who fight too much, fight underhandedly, and for no other purpose than to get what they want.
That is definitely me!!! I am still hesitant to admit it, even though every thing this man has done at face value is to gain something for himself. I know this. I realize this. It's very obvious.
He has hurt me time and time again. He has promised never to hurt me again. Seen my pain. Yet continues the behavior that causes me pain. I am still unable to remain angry at him. Instead I am fighting to understand his "condition."
I am still seeking understand WHY and make excuses for him. I tell myself that being a sociopath he can't help himself. He does the best he can with what he's capable of given his nuerological disorder. He's suffering more than I could ever imagine. I make ALL sorts of excuses for him still!!!!
5. EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY. You may have submissive personality characteristics rooted in deep fears of independence and autonomy. If so, you might be attracted to the more confident-appearing,
independent, aggressive personalities in the first place. After becoming involved in a relationship with them, you may also tend to let such people run over you out of fear that if you stand up to them you may be "abandoned" altogether. The more emotionally dependent you are on someone, the more vulnerable you are to being exploited and manipulated by them.
Yep.
Even if you're not in some kind of relationship with a manipulator, recognizing and working to overcome any of the aforementioned character defects is a worthwhile enterprise. But if you are in a relationship with a manipulative person, not doing so places you at high risk for victimization.
Guess I still have more work to do than I was aware of. Darn I can't blame HIM for everything even though he's the perpetrator? Damn. Okay, I'll take responibility for needing to work on my assurdance, ability to be descerning, and not be SO empathetic and understanding. Ug!
George K. Simon Ph.D.. In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People (Kindle Locations 1167-1171). Kindle Edition.
How Can They Be So Convincing?
They can be so convincing because they've been at it since birth. Think about how much practice they have had. Since their very 1st thought of "being" they've been aware of how different they are. They've had to practice the art of mimicking things they don't really feel. They've perfected their game of which gestures, words, phrases, actions garner them the most focus and attention. Because after all the one thing a sociopath/psychopath/narcissist is after is admiration. They get tired of being the only one's admiring themselves it's important they have victims baited to admiring them as well.
The psychopath gets bored very easily. The human brain is designed to have some of it's space filled with emotions, attachments, love, joy, empathy, conscience, and caring for others. In the absence of these things the brain has an empty zone that is craving to be filled and fed. The narcissist will fill this void by victimizing others who have these traits, empathy, compassion, love, conscience. It is the only way they can fill that void, just dupe us and take it from us. It is survival for the psychopath. Without such supply they literally are dying emotionally, and mentally. Hence their insatiable hunger to steal those worthy elements of our humanity.
Here are a few warning signs, I overlooked at the time. I now see how blatantly these red flags were blowing in my face. I just didn't know what those flags were supposed t look like. I'll be back later this evening to finish this post and explain in greater detail how the psychopath is so incredibly good at what he/she does at duping unsuspecting innocent victims whose only crime is having held a high does of compassion and empathy themselves.
*"Somethings missing" (OFTEN)
*"I'm sad and I don't know why."
*"I feel empty and I don't know why."
*"I love you, but it's not that really, really special once in a lifetime kind of love"
*"My brain doesn't work right"
*"Ever since I was a child, I knew my brain was different."
*"I am so mad at you and I don't know why. I am so angry at you and you haven't done anything!"
*"Teachers and my parents couldn't understand what was wrong with me. They tried everything to figure out why I was different, why my brain thought differently. Nobody could figure out why and I was just so angry all the time. My parents had to call the police sometimes because I would get so angry and throw things and once threw a chair out the window. I never knew what I was so angry about."
*"I feel so lonely."
*"You have no idea what goes on in my head. It's a scary place to be. Trust me you don't want to know what's in my head."
*"My mom makes me so mad she's always trying to make me think about other people. I'm not a selfish person."
*"You're just like my mother. You don't get it!"
You're so special!
Some symptoms to look for
Warning signs
Things to Notice
The psychopath gets bored very easily. The human brain is designed to have some of it's space filled with emotions, attachments, love, joy, empathy, conscience, and caring for others. In the absence of these things the brain has an empty zone that is craving to be filled and fed. The narcissist will fill this void by victimizing others who have these traits, empathy, compassion, love, conscience. It is the only way they can fill that void, just dupe us and take it from us. It is survival for the psychopath. Without such supply they literally are dying emotionally, and mentally. Hence their insatiable hunger to steal those worthy elements of our humanity.
Here are a few warning signs, I overlooked at the time. I now see how blatantly these red flags were blowing in my face. I just didn't know what those flags were supposed t look like. I'll be back later this evening to finish this post and explain in greater detail how the psychopath is so incredibly good at what he/she does at duping unsuspecting innocent victims whose only crime is having held a high does of compassion and empathy themselves.
*"Somethings missing" (OFTEN)
*"I'm sad and I don't know why."
*"I feel empty and I don't know why."
*"I love you, but it's not that really, really special once in a lifetime kind of love"
*"My brain doesn't work right"
*"Ever since I was a child, I knew my brain was different."
*"I am so mad at you and I don't know why. I am so angry at you and you haven't done anything!"
*"Teachers and my parents couldn't understand what was wrong with me. They tried everything to figure out why I was different, why my brain thought differently. Nobody could figure out why and I was just so angry all the time. My parents had to call the police sometimes because I would get so angry and throw things and once threw a chair out the window. I never knew what I was so angry about."
*"I feel so lonely."
*"You have no idea what goes on in my head. It's a scary place to be. Trust me you don't want to know what's in my head."
*"My mom makes me so mad she's always trying to make me think about other people. I'm not a selfish person."
*"You're just like my mother. You don't get it!"
You're so special!
Some symptoms to look for
Warning signs
Things to Notice
Monday, October 17, 2011
How to Spot a Sociopath/Psychopath Test
I just can't read enough information on this disorder. My head is literally going 100 miles an hour retrieving every word, every look, every gesture, every selfish self centered, contradictory act trying to make sense of it. It's as if I'm trying to categorize each event in "Yes a sociopath" column, or "No, not a sociopath/psychopath column. Trouble is NOTHING fits in the not column. Most things fit in the YES w/a resounding yes! Some things though are in the maybe column. I just can not completely believe this man has no, zero capacity for love, attachment and joy. Yes, I've always sensed he was faining reactions and always knew something was a off, but to have zero of these human traits is beyond my comprehension. Particularly when we shared some intimate moments where it seemed both of us had really made a connection with one another. It is all so very confusing. I 'm posting this link though because my sociopath has nearly every one of those traits in spades!! #13 is a strong one. As is the "monotone" number. Don't recall, I think it was #9?
Even as typing this I am recalling all of these incredibly selfish acts this person did that I couldn't believe he was doing at the time. I would get so angry sometimes and think to myself how in the world can he be so efin selfish?! Well, now I have my answer.
Here's the link. Check it out if you're questioning whether the person you're with is, or could be a sociopath/psychopath.
http://www.sociopathworld.com/2010/12/sociopath-test-how-to-spot-them-before.html
Even as typing this I am recalling all of these incredibly selfish acts this person did that I couldn't believe he was doing at the time. I would get so angry sometimes and think to myself how in the world can he be so efin selfish?! Well, now I have my answer.
Here's the link. Check it out if you're questioning whether the person you're with is, or could be a sociopath/psychopath.
http://www.sociopathworld.com/2010/12/sociopath-test-how-to-spot-them-before.html
Still in Shock
Today I'm considering looking for a support group for those who've been in a relationship with a psychopath. Even typing that phrase is difficult for me. I barely got through the work day today w/out breaking down into fits of crying. Well, I didn't get through work, I broke down many times which is why I'm not working tomorrow. I don't even completely understand all the mixed emotions I'm feeling. I know two things for sure, one is that I am devasted beyond words, full of sorrow and deep deep pain for this person who didn't and doesn't choose to be a psychopath. This is how he was born. It's beyond his control. I could always see he was internally tortured in some way. I just wasn't able to see exactly how. I keep getting these flashes of expressions on his face, and hear words he's said and even tears I've seen him weep over the deep pain he is in. No I have never seen him weep tears for me. Always tears for himself. But, again that is NOT his fault. His brain is unable to empathize with my pain. I ask myself why should I expect him to treat me with kindness and care when he has no reference for what that means?
I'm having a hard time typing this message even for my tears for him. I have no one to share my sorrow with. I want nothing more than to have somebody with me that can share this pain. Someone that can at least understand why I can't hate my psychopath. There are so many feelings streaming through me I can scarecly track them. I have great, great sorrow for this man and the suffering that has been his entire life and will continue to be until the day he dies. I can see him watching people. I can see and feel him watching me when I am feeling joyful, or happy. In particular when I am laughing something I realized I rarely ever did while with him. When he is watching me I can feel his emptiness. I can feel his desire to have what I have but he has no clue how to get it. I can also see how he hates me because I am able to experience joy and love in a way he will never understand. If I were in his place, I would hate me too. I would hate every person who felt great joy and love. Because I would be so angry and saddened that I could NOT have that. The one thing that makes people human and connects them, that one thing that is the very purpose and meaning of life, that is the reason we are here for on this planet together and that is to care for and feel for each other. That vital ingredient that makes a human a human is missing. How I would envy every human that was able to have that experience and yet I could not. So, how can I blame him for wanting to hurt me? I can't. I don't want to let him back in my life to hurt me again. But, I can't hate him for the all the times he's toyed with my heart, jerked my head around, and hurt my feelings for his own satisfaction. I understand. Given that I understand why he does it, I actually have some sense of gratitude that he wasn't more cruel. He could of been worse I suppose. Not much, because I believe it would have seriously and literally killed me had it been any worse. However, knowing that the only way a psychopath's brain is able to feel and experience sensations the way our "normal" brains do when we are in love, bonding, laughing and FEELING is through the rush of conquering another by having the power to hurt them I can fully understand why he did all the things he did to me. I'm actually finding myself appreciating every kind word, gesture or deed he ever did. I have to believe he felt SOMETHING, even if just smidgen of care. Otherwise I don't know what the motivation would have been to do and see certain things that I can see he would have gained nothing from. These are few and far between but they are there. I want to believe he did and does love me at least as far as he is able to comprehend love. I want to believe he loves his children in some way, even if it isn't a way we 'normal' brained creatures experience it. He is a human. He is here on this planet. He's a creature of God and has the right to be loved as any one born does. But, how does he ever get to have that, or feel that? We are told to run like the wind from a psychopath because of the havoc that wrecks your life when they are in it. But, if we all ran from them, where would that leave them? The do feel for themselves. They do feel lonliness, suffering, pain, sadness. They just don't feel any of those things for anyone but themselves.
This post is just a rant to get all these thoughts out of my head that are flooding me. I need to release them somehow. No other point to this post. Just trying to drain the misery from my brain and heart at the discovery that the person I've loved for so many years is so broken and doomed. Not because of anything he's done. But, just because he was born. What is sadder? The word sad doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about this. I don't know that there is a word that describes this deep pain and sorrow that is enveloping me for this man and those who love and care for him.
I'm having a hard time typing this message even for my tears for him. I have no one to share my sorrow with. I want nothing more than to have somebody with me that can share this pain. Someone that can at least understand why I can't hate my psychopath. There are so many feelings streaming through me I can scarecly track them. I have great, great sorrow for this man and the suffering that has been his entire life and will continue to be until the day he dies. I can see him watching people. I can see and feel him watching me when I am feeling joyful, or happy. In particular when I am laughing something I realized I rarely ever did while with him. When he is watching me I can feel his emptiness. I can feel his desire to have what I have but he has no clue how to get it. I can also see how he hates me because I am able to experience joy and love in a way he will never understand. If I were in his place, I would hate me too. I would hate every person who felt great joy and love. Because I would be so angry and saddened that I could NOT have that. The one thing that makes people human and connects them, that one thing that is the very purpose and meaning of life, that is the reason we are here for on this planet together and that is to care for and feel for each other. That vital ingredient that makes a human a human is missing. How I would envy every human that was able to have that experience and yet I could not. So, how can I blame him for wanting to hurt me? I can't. I don't want to let him back in my life to hurt me again. But, I can't hate him for the all the times he's toyed with my heart, jerked my head around, and hurt my feelings for his own satisfaction. I understand. Given that I understand why he does it, I actually have some sense of gratitude that he wasn't more cruel. He could of been worse I suppose. Not much, because I believe it would have seriously and literally killed me had it been any worse. However, knowing that the only way a psychopath's brain is able to feel and experience sensations the way our "normal" brains do when we are in love, bonding, laughing and FEELING is through the rush of conquering another by having the power to hurt them I can fully understand why he did all the things he did to me. I'm actually finding myself appreciating every kind word, gesture or deed he ever did. I have to believe he felt SOMETHING, even if just smidgen of care. Otherwise I don't know what the motivation would have been to do and see certain things that I can see he would have gained nothing from. These are few and far between but they are there. I want to believe he did and does love me at least as far as he is able to comprehend love. I want to believe he loves his children in some way, even if it isn't a way we 'normal' brained creatures experience it. He is a human. He is here on this planet. He's a creature of God and has the right to be loved as any one born does. But, how does he ever get to have that, or feel that? We are told to run like the wind from a psychopath because of the havoc that wrecks your life when they are in it. But, if we all ran from them, where would that leave them? The do feel for themselves. They do feel lonliness, suffering, pain, sadness. They just don't feel any of those things for anyone but themselves.
This post is just a rant to get all these thoughts out of my head that are flooding me. I need to release them somehow. No other point to this post. Just trying to drain the misery from my brain and heart at the discovery that the person I've loved for so many years is so broken and doomed. Not because of anything he's done. But, just because he was born. What is sadder? The word sad doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about this. I don't know that there is a word that describes this deep pain and sorrow that is enveloping me for this man and those who love and care for him.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Breaking Up With a Sociopath
I'm going to add a few links of what experts and others who have experience with sociopaths and then I'll give my personal experience. My personal experience by the way makes Neil Sadaca's Breaking Up is Hard to Do song seem like child's play. It makes Paul Simon's 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover a hysterical joke to a sociopath. They are all about control. They'll control when/how often you see them. They control whether you are breaking up, making up, on the verge of breaking up/making up and all other ways in between. They are always in complete control. Don't think you can beat them at their own game. They've had a lifetime of practice dealing with sociopath's behavior. You're experience and your brains "normal" way of seeing human behavior and emotions are quite comical to your sociopath.
Alright...links and then my story. This first link is a blog managed a self professed sociopath. I'm not sure I agree with much of what he states on his blog. I have no idea if he is a true sociopath or not. But, I do know that much of what he says about breaking up with a sociopath is correct. Proceed with caution.
How to Break Up with a Sociopath
This next link comment about "you can't do anything right" is correct. To your sociopath you won't even be able to break up correctly. He'll hound you, try to get you to pity him, he'll be mean, he'll be kind, he'll be charming, he'll be pathetic. He'll be whatever he feels you need him to be in order to keep him in your life. He won't respect your boundaries. He will break you down. You'll have to threaten and/or phone the police because that is the only way to stop him. Authority is the only thing he hates more than your petty emotions.
Q & A from those who've experience breaking up with a sociopath.
When using this next link be sure to scroll to the bottom and follow other links it offers regarding how to recognize and deal with a sociopath.
Recognizing, dealing with and breaking up with pychopath/sociopath
I am now calling my sociopath, a psychopath because after much research and investigation he fits the profile more closely. Although experts still don't have an agreement on what the distinction between a sociopath and psychopath is if there is indeed any. For my purpose and the belief that I lean toward is that they both are the same with the exception that the psychopath's only intent is to hurt, harm and destroy. A sociopath does that as well, but their main objection is narcissism, to feed their ego at all cost. If you get hurt along the way, so be it. But, they are too busy taking care of their own needs to spend time plotting and schemings the best way to cut you the deepest. This is just my personal opinion. There is no scientific basis for it. Now on we have some breaking up to do.
Breakups with my psychoopath became as common as tieing your shoes before walking around in them. Most times, it got done. Sometimes we'd be in a hurry and forget to get that taken care of. Either way, our shoes wouldn't remain tied for long. Before much time has passed, we'd be retieing, untying and double knoting. Our first breakup was early on. I don't recall the exact time frame. Likely, the first breakup came somewhere between the 3 - 6 month mark. I hadn't yet figured out he was a psychopath, nor had any inclination of what that meant. I do know he would give me double msgs. I would often be confused about his intentions. He was "jumpy" at the idea of being called a "boyfriend" and had numerous reasons why he wasn't comfortable with that title. A variety of reasons that changed along with the weather. Sometime between 3 - 6 months I decided I'd had enough of the mixed signals and broke it off. To my surprise he was phoning me w/in hrs telling me how much he missed me, and how he didn't want to be w/out me. I don't remember how many days these phone calls went on before we began seeing one another again. Perhaps a week to 10 days. Things were relatively calm for a brief period of time perhaps for several weeks. Then he began talking about other women and his interest in them. Simultaneously making me feel as if I was his salvation. As if I was the only person on earth he cared to spend time with. Being with me was like air to him. (big red flag I know realize). From that first break up, to these mixed signals, to him talking about other women just continued and escalated. Within about a year I realized I was in a toxic relationship, but by then the victim/perpetrator bond had been established and he knew exactly how to work me to get everything he wanted. As well as how to cause me the most pain and turmoil.
The bottom line is, a psychopath needs constant stimulation. They get bored very easily. One way to entertain themselves is by playing with your emotions and keeping you off balance and in constant turmoil. This roller coaster lifestyle becomes normal for you over time. As much as you dislike it. When the breakups occur and they'll occur often the lack of the chaos leaves the victim feeling empty and lost. An emptiness unlike one you've ever felt before. It's during that time of weakness and vulnerability that the psychopath begins to work his way back into your life. Each time the two of you go through a break-up/make-up experience the perpetrator sees you the victim as becoming weaker and weaker in one respect. But, also the victim is becoming unresponsive to the abuse. The psychopath needs that emotional reaction and rush from the victims heartbreak. To keep the momentum going the psychopath will continue to increase his demands and abuse. It's also during this time, which is called the "devalue" stage of the relationship, the psychopath is working on attaining the next victim. During the break up phases he has more time to work on securing the next women w/the idealization phase. This may also be the time when he ups what is called triangulation. This is where he tells the new woman how different she is from the old one. How he appreciates this/that about her. At the same time he's telling the current victim whom he is devaluing all the things that are wrong with her. He'll briefly mention this other woman, the new one in line and how patient she is in this regard or that regard. He hasn't let on he is dating this other woman yet. But, makes it known he COULD if he wanted, In this way he is setting up a competition between the two women. Thinking that they each will do more and more for him in order to be the "winner".
My psychopath used this term with me often. When he'd been pursuing another person and dangling the 'threat' of her over me. He'd often say, "you won." I'm not going be her "friend" anymore because it makes you uncomfortable. Of course this was also a lie. In all likelihood she had refused to keep seeing him because he hadn't yet given me up. And on and on it goes. Like a merry-go-round. Before you know it this relationship has become sick, tainted, destruction and you feel as if you are dying. But, getting away from the psychopath at this time is incredibly difficult. Unless and until the psychopath is ready to let you go, the relationship and abuse could go on indefinitely.
If you suspect your partner is a psychopath I 'd recommend getting out quickly. You should cut off all contact. Change your phone number, email address, if you have to your residence. Tell your employer he isn't allowed to come to your workplace. Block him from all social networks. It's the time when you decide to get out when the psychopath feels the biggest challenge and will work exstremely hard telling you everything you want to hear, promising you anything to get you to take him back. It is all words though. Whether your partner is a psychopath, or you just suspect he is a psychopath is plenty of reason to make that break immediately and cleanly. Best of luck! Check out the break-up resources on this blog for more help in breaking up with your psychopath. Feel free to comment or msg me if you have any question or what further information.
Alright...links and then my story. This first link is a blog managed a self professed sociopath. I'm not sure I agree with much of what he states on his blog. I have no idea if he is a true sociopath or not. But, I do know that much of what he says about breaking up with a sociopath is correct. Proceed with caution.
How to Break Up with a Sociopath
This next link comment about "you can't do anything right" is correct. To your sociopath you won't even be able to break up correctly. He'll hound you, try to get you to pity him, he'll be mean, he'll be kind, he'll be charming, he'll be pathetic. He'll be whatever he feels you need him to be in order to keep him in your life. He won't respect your boundaries. He will break you down. You'll have to threaten and/or phone the police because that is the only way to stop him. Authority is the only thing he hates more than your petty emotions.
Q & A from those who've experience breaking up with a sociopath.
When using this next link be sure to scroll to the bottom and follow other links it offers regarding how to recognize and deal with a sociopath.
Recognizing, dealing with and breaking up with pychopath/sociopath
I am now calling my sociopath, a psychopath because after much research and investigation he fits the profile more closely. Although experts still don't have an agreement on what the distinction between a sociopath and psychopath is if there is indeed any. For my purpose and the belief that I lean toward is that they both are the same with the exception that the psychopath's only intent is to hurt, harm and destroy. A sociopath does that as well, but their main objection is narcissism, to feed their ego at all cost. If you get hurt along the way, so be it. But, they are too busy taking care of their own needs to spend time plotting and schemings the best way to cut you the deepest. This is just my personal opinion. There is no scientific basis for it. Now on we have some breaking up to do.
Breakups with my psychoopath became as common as tieing your shoes before walking around in them. Most times, it got done. Sometimes we'd be in a hurry and forget to get that taken care of. Either way, our shoes wouldn't remain tied for long. Before much time has passed, we'd be retieing, untying and double knoting. Our first breakup was early on. I don't recall the exact time frame. Likely, the first breakup came somewhere between the 3 - 6 month mark. I hadn't yet figured out he was a psychopath, nor had any inclination of what that meant. I do know he would give me double msgs. I would often be confused about his intentions. He was "jumpy" at the idea of being called a "boyfriend" and had numerous reasons why he wasn't comfortable with that title. A variety of reasons that changed along with the weather. Sometime between 3 - 6 months I decided I'd had enough of the mixed signals and broke it off. To my surprise he was phoning me w/in hrs telling me how much he missed me, and how he didn't want to be w/out me. I don't remember how many days these phone calls went on before we began seeing one another again. Perhaps a week to 10 days. Things were relatively calm for a brief period of time perhaps for several weeks. Then he began talking about other women and his interest in them. Simultaneously making me feel as if I was his salvation. As if I was the only person on earth he cared to spend time with. Being with me was like air to him. (big red flag I know realize). From that first break up, to these mixed signals, to him talking about other women just continued and escalated. Within about a year I realized I was in a toxic relationship, but by then the victim/perpetrator bond had been established and he knew exactly how to work me to get everything he wanted. As well as how to cause me the most pain and turmoil.
The bottom line is, a psychopath needs constant stimulation. They get bored very easily. One way to entertain themselves is by playing with your emotions and keeping you off balance and in constant turmoil. This roller coaster lifestyle becomes normal for you over time. As much as you dislike it. When the breakups occur and they'll occur often the lack of the chaos leaves the victim feeling empty and lost. An emptiness unlike one you've ever felt before. It's during that time of weakness and vulnerability that the psychopath begins to work his way back into your life. Each time the two of you go through a break-up/make-up experience the perpetrator sees you the victim as becoming weaker and weaker in one respect. But, also the victim is becoming unresponsive to the abuse. The psychopath needs that emotional reaction and rush from the victims heartbreak. To keep the momentum going the psychopath will continue to increase his demands and abuse. It's also during this time, which is called the "devalue" stage of the relationship, the psychopath is working on attaining the next victim. During the break up phases he has more time to work on securing the next women w/the idealization phase. This may also be the time when he ups what is called triangulation. This is where he tells the new woman how different she is from the old one. How he appreciates this/that about her. At the same time he's telling the current victim whom he is devaluing all the things that are wrong with her. He'll briefly mention this other woman, the new one in line and how patient she is in this regard or that regard. He hasn't let on he is dating this other woman yet. But, makes it known he COULD if he wanted, In this way he is setting up a competition between the two women. Thinking that they each will do more and more for him in order to be the "winner".
My psychopath used this term with me often. When he'd been pursuing another person and dangling the 'threat' of her over me. He'd often say, "you won." I'm not going be her "friend" anymore because it makes you uncomfortable. Of course this was also a lie. In all likelihood she had refused to keep seeing him because he hadn't yet given me up. And on and on it goes. Like a merry-go-round. Before you know it this relationship has become sick, tainted, destruction and you feel as if you are dying. But, getting away from the psychopath at this time is incredibly difficult. Unless and until the psychopath is ready to let you go, the relationship and abuse could go on indefinitely.
If you suspect your partner is a psychopath I 'd recommend getting out quickly. You should cut off all contact. Change your phone number, email address, if you have to your residence. Tell your employer he isn't allowed to come to your workplace. Block him from all social networks. It's the time when you decide to get out when the psychopath feels the biggest challenge and will work exstremely hard telling you everything you want to hear, promising you anything to get you to take him back. It is all words though. Whether your partner is a psychopath, or you just suspect he is a psychopath is plenty of reason to make that break immediately and cleanly. Best of luck! Check out the break-up resources on this blog for more help in breaking up with your psychopath. Feel free to comment or msg me if you have any question or what further information.
Do Sociopaths Feel?
Oh yes they feel deeply. They are extraordinarily sensitive beings. The catch is their sensitivity starts and stops with themselves. It is completely egocentrical. To the pyschopath/sociopath the feelings of others are a mystery, a riddle to them of which they could care less about solving. They enjoy the futile emotions of their victims only so much as they can use them to their advantage. The deeper you are being hurt the deeper satisifaction your sociopath is feeling for a job well done.
http://youtu.be/KQZzT-IcLlI
http://youtu.be/KQZzT-IcLlI
Warning Signs.
Warning Signs to look for.
Characteristics of a Psychopath
- superficial charm
- self-centered & self-important
- need for stimulation & prone to boredom
- deceptive behavior & lying
- conning & manipulative
- little remorse or guilt
- shallow emotional response
- callous with a lack of empathy
- living off others or predatory attitude
- poor self-control
- promiscuous sexual behavior
- early behavioral problems
- lack of realistic long term goals
- impulsive lifestyle
- irresponsible behavior
- blaming others for their actions
- short term relationships
- juvenile delinquency
- breaking parole or probation
- varied criminal activity
They do what's called "love bombing" which is basically showering you with affection fairly early in the relationship before those natural feelings should have developed.
Seems hypersexual. They'll also "sex bomb" you. They won't be able to keep their hands off of you. They will want you anywhere, everywhere, every second, in every way you can imagine. This is their way of gaining control over you. The goal is to conquer you in what's called the "idealization" phase so they can then start the devalue phase which is the time when they begin tearing you down from the pedestal they've built for you. The final stage is discard. They're just done. You're old news at the drop of a hat. Or, they have become so cruel and ruthless that you have no choice but to be done with them. This is a clever trick they play. This way the breakup is YOUR idea and when they come back, and they will come back, they can blame the separation on you and appeal to your sense of "sympathy" to get back in your good graces so they can start the whole cycle all over again.
If you're with them long enough and I hope for your sake you are not. You'll begin to sense you're emotions are being toyed with the way a cat toys with a mouse. You'll start to wonder why the relationship is in such a state of chaos and drama all the time. You'll feel like it's your fault even though he/she hasn't overtly told you it is. You FEEL it is. This is a result of the emotional manipulation of chipping away at your sense of yourself. You may even feel as if your significant other is your enemy even though he/she professes to love you and/or be your best friend.
These are just a few of the warning signs. The most difficult part of being involved with a psychopath is that by the time you're seeing most of these signs you're already bonded with them. They've figured out how to work you. They know your vulnerabilities and they can make it very difficult to get out of that entanglement. The best thing you can do is get out of the relationship, cut off all means of communication and resist contact of any kind, even indirect contact. Even if he/she is not a clinical psychopath, if they are enough of a question mark that you are considering the possibility it's time to get out regardless if he/she is/isn't, get out. Do what you can to detach any human traits you give this person because psychopaths are not human in the sense that you/I are. They do not have the capability for love, empathy, compassion, or even have a conscience of any kind. Therefor they will keep hurting you as long a it amuses them. They don't see you as human being, so you need to return the favor.
How to Know if You are Involved with a pyschopath/sociopath.
It is very hard to detect a psychopathic personality in the very beginning of a relationship. There are however a few red flags to watch out for. A psychopath/sociopath needs what Dr. Sam Vatkin (author of Malignant Love Narcissism Revisited) "narcissistic supply". The supply for a narcissist is life, a human to control and manipulate. Without this supply the narcissist feels as if he/she is dying. This means the person will be in a hurry to get the relationship going. It'll move at a quick pace. He/she will shower you with compliments, phone calls, dates, gifts, and basically become everything he/she knows you are looking for. In the beginning he/she may ask a lot of question about you trying to gather as much information as possible in order to become all that you desire. With my narcissist that wasn't the case however. He spent most of the time talking. He loves to talk about himself. But, in general the narcissist will zero in on you with an almost predator glare as you're sharing information about yourself.
The narcissist will seem to have developed an emotional attachment to you rather quickly. Again, this is to ensure they'll be able to have their narcissistic supply met. The don't really feel any of the professed emotions they are expressing. They are playing a cat and mouse game with you. You of course are the mouse.
Psychopaths have a difficult time expressing true emotion, empathy or feeling. So, early on discuss deep emotional impactual topics. Don't allow them to get away with a superficial explanation. As meaningful questions. Try to get an opinion on topics such as politics. Psychopaths care very little about anything that doesn't directly involve them. Chances are he/she will find it difficult to have strong opinions one way or the other. They simply don't care.
Does this person have a string of short term relationships? This is a red flag.
Do they readily take responsibility for mistakes, or events in his/her life? When you have a disagreement or difference of opinion does this person appear to be offended, insulted, even angered by this? A psychopath takes differing opinion, thoughts and feelings, as personal attacks.
The following links will explain in more detail how to spot a psychopath/sociopath.
http://www.crisiscounseling.com/articles/psychopath.htm
Are You Involved With a Pychopath/Sociopath?
Before going to these next links, let me just say if you are a kind, compassionate, caring person who believes most people have the best of intentions and are as equally as caring as you. If you are a trusting person who generally puts the needs of others before yourself, then you are a prime target for a psychopath/sociopath. They don't live in the same mental state we do. Their moral compass is one you can't fathom in your wildest dreams. Because YOU are a person who has great empathy and capacity for love. Sociopaths/psychopaths at first appear to admire those traits and qualities in you greatly. Then they'll begin to resent you, loath you and torture you for those very same traits that they have no understanding or reference to comprehend.
Some Links to Take a Look at If You are Still Questioning Whether Your Suitor is a Sociopath/psychopath
If after checking this blog you think you may be dealing with a person with borderline personality proceed with extreme caution. These predators and I realize it is extremely hard to see the person in your life as a predator, but that is how he/she sees YOU if he/she truly is a sociopath/psychopath. You are prey to them. You are the next victim to control and manipulate like a puppet on a string. Once you are in their grasp it is VERY, VERY difficult to get out. You'll find yourself feeling like your living the Stalk home Syndrome where you know you should get away, you know what this person is dong to you doesn't feel right, but you are conflicted because they drop you just enough crumbs to keep you sniffing down their trail, only to snare you in their net when you get there. You'll struggle to be free, once free you'll find yourself almost beyond your own comprehension back on that trail searching for the crumb you know is a trap. But, somehow you have a glimmer of hope that MAYBE this time that crumb will lead you to a full course meal that'll nourish you to fulfillment. It won't. You'll be left starving, tortured, miserable and feeling trapped & weak from the journey wishing you never would have stepped out into that battleground in the first place. I'd say run, like the plague is after you from this person. For that is what they are. I say this all the while still loving and having great compassion and concern for my beloved sociopath. However, my instinct for survival is stronger then my concern for him. I will also have compassion and be deeply saddened that this person has been born with a brain that doesn't allow him the full human experience. It's the hardest thing to swallow ever. The person I thought I knew, loved, and shared many experiences and moments with never existed. I mourn his loss, just as much as I weep for the one who is in his place unable to fully connect, love, feel joy or deep relationships the way most of society can. It is a tragedy beyond words
The narcissist will seem to have developed an emotional attachment to you rather quickly. Again, this is to ensure they'll be able to have their narcissistic supply met. The don't really feel any of the professed emotions they are expressing. They are playing a cat and mouse game with you. You of course are the mouse.
Psychopaths have a difficult time expressing true emotion, empathy or feeling. So, early on discuss deep emotional impactual topics. Don't allow them to get away with a superficial explanation. As meaningful questions. Try to get an opinion on topics such as politics. Psychopaths care very little about anything that doesn't directly involve them. Chances are he/she will find it difficult to have strong opinions one way or the other. They simply don't care.
Does this person have a string of short term relationships? This is a red flag.
Do they readily take responsibility for mistakes, or events in his/her life? When you have a disagreement or difference of opinion does this person appear to be offended, insulted, even angered by this? A psychopath takes differing opinion, thoughts and feelings, as personal attacks.
The following links will explain in more detail how to spot a psychopath/sociopath.
http://www.crisiscounseling.com/articles/psychopath.htm
Are You Involved With a Pychopath/Sociopath?
Before going to these next links, let me just say if you are a kind, compassionate, caring person who believes most people have the best of intentions and are as equally as caring as you. If you are a trusting person who generally puts the needs of others before yourself, then you are a prime target for a psychopath/sociopath. They don't live in the same mental state we do. Their moral compass is one you can't fathom in your wildest dreams. Because YOU are a person who has great empathy and capacity for love. Sociopaths/psychopaths at first appear to admire those traits and qualities in you greatly. Then they'll begin to resent you, loath you and torture you for those very same traits that they have no understanding or reference to comprehend.
Some Links to Take a Look at If You are Still Questioning Whether Your Suitor is a Sociopath/psychopath
If after checking this blog you think you may be dealing with a person with borderline personality proceed with extreme caution. These predators and I realize it is extremely hard to see the person in your life as a predator, but that is how he/she sees YOU if he/she truly is a sociopath/psychopath. You are prey to them. You are the next victim to control and manipulate like a puppet on a string. Once you are in their grasp it is VERY, VERY difficult to get out. You'll find yourself feeling like your living the Stalk home Syndrome where you know you should get away, you know what this person is dong to you doesn't feel right, but you are conflicted because they drop you just enough crumbs to keep you sniffing down their trail, only to snare you in their net when you get there. You'll struggle to be free, once free you'll find yourself almost beyond your own comprehension back on that trail searching for the crumb you know is a trap. But, somehow you have a glimmer of hope that MAYBE this time that crumb will lead you to a full course meal that'll nourish you to fulfillment. It won't. You'll be left starving, tortured, miserable and feeling trapped & weak from the journey wishing you never would have stepped out into that battleground in the first place. I'd say run, like the plague is after you from this person. For that is what they are. I say this all the while still loving and having great compassion and concern for my beloved sociopath. However, my instinct for survival is stronger then my concern for him. I will also have compassion and be deeply saddened that this person has been born with a brain that doesn't allow him the full human experience. It's the hardest thing to swallow ever. The person I thought I knew, loved, and shared many experiences and moments with never existed. I mourn his loss, just as much as I weep for the one who is in his place unable to fully connect, love, feel joy or deep relationships the way most of society can. It is a tragedy beyond words
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)