What is Love?

http://youtu.be/v0C6v65Dvzk

Looking back at an old blog post of mine,  came across these words: 

"If there is no joy, then the love isn't true. True love doesn't cause suffering, or make another person cry all the time. Rather true love, brings joy. If you are noticing the person in your life is bringing you more pain than joy, you must ask yourself "is this true love?"  If it isn't than what is it?"  

In order to know what it is, in order to recognize love you have to have experienced love. You must have seen it, felt it, breathed it in and basked in it. How else can you know, or recognize something you've not experienced? I don't believe you can, unless you have some schema for what love truly is. It is my contention that many of us who became involved with, or are currently involved with a disordered person whether that be of the antisocial category or some other form of disfunction, have come from backgrounds where the illustration of love was somehow amiss. I am a teacher. I have learned and firmly believe the best teacher, the most impactful teacher is experience. Nothing else can match, or top it. You can tell me, I can read about it, you can show me a picture, you can use the entire Websters Dictionary to teach me something.  You can use all the bells and whistles and dance steps you can muster.  You can write me a song, play me a song, write me a letter, show me a video, have me listen to a tape, simulate the thing as best can be done. Yet none of it will top my having experienced it first hand myself. If I've had this thing (whatever thing we are referring to) in this case love, if I have experienced it, seen it in action, watched it happening around me and felt it's arms entranced around me, then I am apt to pick it up, understand it, feel it, seek it and expect no less.

This brings me around to my point. Those of us who have accepted, tolerated, remained in and become a part of a loveless relationship, most likely have experienced the LACK of it(love) before. More often than not, that experience came from our childhood, but maybe not. Perhaps it came afterwards. However, I have not a doubt in the world that if I were to research the backgrounds of victims of abusive relationships I would find a high majority came from difficult childhoods. I myself did. I had wonderful loving parents. But, I also had parents trapped in their own sorrow and pain of some kind. Parents who weren't able to model true love for me. In particular, love from my father. My father was not a loving, kind, or thoughtful husband. He could be quite cruel and unfeeling as a husband to my mother. I saw him having multiple affairs during his marriage to my mother. I witnessed him verbally abuse her on a regular basis. I witnessed her accepting that behavior and shriveling under it's pressure during my childhood. The lack of love was so evident in my household that on the rare occasions that my parents did express love, or affection towards one another, it made me uncomfortable.

Given this example and modeling of behavior I experienced growing up it, isn't any wonder how, or why I became involved in a relationship with a psychopath and accepted virtually w/out question his abhorable behavior towards me. I didn't know any different. This was the sample of love set before me at a very young age. So, how do we know what love even is? What does it look like? Let me tell you. 

A few years ago(when I was heavily involved in the relationship with my ex psychopath) a good friend of mine purchased a book for me titled True Love by Thich Nhat Hanh. It is based on Buddhist teachings and illustrates quite effectively what love is. In the very beginning of our break up this book helped me immensely and encouraged me to accept no less than true love. It helped me understand what love truly is and what love truly is not.

It was one of the first steps, of many more steps to come, that helped nudge me along my journey to recovery.  If you are in a relationship with a disordered personality, or currently recovering from one than get into the frame of mind  that healing will take many many steps, each one beginning with putting one foot in front of the other and choosing to keep walking in a different direction no matter how painful, tiresome, or difficult. You have no idea what glorious pastures lay ahead for you when you do.

So, what is love then? True Love depicts love as having a combination of elements which are as follows:

First of all, love isn't cruelty. Love isn't suffering. Love isn't unfeeling. According to True Love, love is loving kindness in action. In order for a person to love, this person must have the desire and ability to act "loving" and kind toward you. Loving kindness in action would not consist of a push me, pull me attitude which is what my ex exhibited. He loved me, didn't want me. Loved me, didn't want me. Loved me, didnt' want me and so on. He appeared to be almost exhilarated by my turmoil and pain.

The second element of True Love is compassion. again, Hanh defines this as not only the desire to be compassionate, but the ability to be compassionate. As in the form of a verb, action, not just in thought or desire. My ex would often say things like, "Well, I was going to buy you flowers but...." Typically the "but" was because I had done something wrong he was discouraged from caring out this thoughtful act, or deed. Compassion is the desire AND ability to EASE another's pain and suffering. This is very important. Stop and meditate on this thought for a moment. True love doesn't just DESIRE to ease your pain, it WILL ease your pain. It will NOT CAUSE you pain. It will NOT cause you pain. Let me say that once more. It will NOT cause you pain. Intentionally, or otherwise. True love which includes compassionately understanding your suffering and will do what it needs to do to ease your suffering. It will not bring it to you served on a metal hubcap disguised as a silver platter. 

Joy is the third element of love. If your life is w/out joy and this person is doing nothing to bring you joy, then it isn't love. True love not only wants to bring you joy, but according to Hanh it has the ability to bring you joy. To me this translates to w/out question joy will be a part of your life when you are experiencing true love. My ex would often dangle his ability to bring me joy like a carrot before me. Always promising to do this or that, or saying he intended to do this or that, but something had gotten in his way of carrying it through. These empty promises worked by keeping me hanging on for that one would he would actually follow through. Of course that day never came. Hard as it is to see, this person in your life whom you felt loved you, but just doesn't quite know how it show it,  does not love you. In fact this person neither has the desire to, nor ABILITY to bring you joy. Whereas, true love offers joy. True love rejoices in joy!

The fourth element of true love is freedom. In true love you attain freedom. You must love in such a way that the person feels freedom in your love. Although I think freedom comes from within oneself. I don't know that freedom can completely come from another person if you don't already feel freedom within yourself. Even so, if the relationship you are in, or were in brought you feelings of entrapment believing there was no way out, almost as if your feet were frozen, than it isn't/wasn't love. A person who loves you rejoices in your freedom, not in your imprisonment. 

All of this leads me to the question I frequently get asked, "Can a psychopath truly love?" My answer is no. No they can not. Not in the sense I've just described. As I said in the beginning, one must experience a "thing" to know a "thing", in this case love. Psychopaths are unable to bond on an intrinsic level the way a typical fully feeling individual can. They have never experienced loving kindness. For, if it had been offered them, they never felt it, or sensed it in the first place. A person must be able to feel loving kindness to recognize. A psychopath is not able to feel on that level. Their feelings are shallow and limited. They are not able to feel joy, or compassion either. A person must have had experienced compassion in order to offer it. A disordered person can't experience compassion. If you've offered it and they've taken it, they had no idea WHAT they were taking. Hence they can so easily destroy it, take it for granted and throw it away.

If a psychopath can truly love, then they would be able to offer joy. Joy works the same. I can experience joy on a deep level. A pathological personality can not.  They haven't witnessed it, nor experienced it. If they saw joy, they were not able to recognize what it was, it was never intrinsically a part of their fiber the way we know it. This brings me to freedom.

Is a psychopath free? My answer is a resound NO! I think they are the most imprisoned of all. They are in a world that joy, compassion, and loving-kindness can not enter. They see it all around them. But they do not know it, or feel it. Therefor they can not offer it. They can pretend to offer it because they know it's what we want and need. But, when the reality of what those attributes mean, they'll fall short in meeting them. They are in a perpetual search on an unending journey to emptiness. That does not sound free to me in the least. An imprisoned person can not offer me freedom.

My ex would often express to me his confusion over what love "should" feel like. He'd ask me how would a person know when they have it? How do they know when they are feeling it? As a matter of fact, the song at the start of this is one of his favorite songs. "I Want to Know What Love is." When we would argue over his inability to love me the way I understood love to be, he would always say "somethings missing.  I don't know maybe it's missing in me." His search to find true love is unattainable. My search on the other hand is very valid and very attainable.

If there is any question in your mind about the person you are currently with or were with having intended to hurt you, or "accidentely" hurt you look back for these elements of love. Does/did this person treat you with loving kindness? Did/does he/she put your needs above his/her own? Does/did this person bring you joy, laughter, freedom and compassion? If the answer is NO, then quit worrying whether or not this person is or isn't a psychopath, or personality disordered in one way or another. It doesn't matter what this person is, or isn't. What matters is that this person have the desire AND ability to actively love you. Actively loving will always be compassionate. It will always have the ability to bring you joy, kindness and freedom. Take a look at your own way of loving. Do you love YOURSELF in this true sense of love? Are you acting kindly toward yourself? Are you honoring the person that you are by bringing people into your life that bring you joy? Are you keeping those around you who allow you to be free? If the answer is no to these questions, it may be time to make some changes and become free to feel what love truly is. For noone person can bring you true love until you are experiencing it w/in yourself and loving yourself in desire and action. I believe once you are able to do this, leaving the psychopath and recovering from the psychopath will be a much more successful venture. It'll be expidited and more successful when you are truly loved by the one person that knows you best. Yourself.

Do Sociopaths Feel?

Oh yes they feel deeply. They are extraordinarily sensitive beings. The catch is their sensitivity starts and stops with themselves. It is completely egocentrical.  To the pyschopath/sociopath the feelings of others are a mystery, a riddle to them of which they could care less about solving. They enjoy the futile emotions of their victims only so much as they can use them to their advantage. The deeper you are being hurt the deeper satisifaction your sociopath is feeling for a job well done.


http://youtu.be/KQZzT-IcLlI

So What Now?

I'm starting this blog as part of the healing process from having been in love with and been in a relationship with a sociopath for the last 8 years. It has been 8 years of utter hell; A roller coaster, a flood of tears, anger, confusion, misunderstanding, and questioning of everything I know to be true about myself and of human nature in general. Today, I'm just going to blog random thoughts as I process the events of the last 8 years. In the coming weeks I'll outline the timeline of the relationship, going over details of how it began, significant events, why I remained loyal to this man for so long (as best I can understand myself) and what has led me to believe I have been sleeping with and loving a sociopath for the better part of 8 years. 

Today's "Ah hah!" moment. There are many such moments flooding my mind the past 24 hours as I've just discovered this about the man I've been loving for 8 years. I'll most be posting "Ah hah!" moments randomly throughout the day. These moments will hit me at the most inopportune times. Sometimes they bring me to my knees in a heap of weeping. Sometimes, they bring me healing and calm knowing IT WASN'T ME! Sometimes to pure devastation for the bleakness of this man's future and the misery I know he lives in day to day. I am no longer angry at him for all the misery he bestowed upon me, for all the hurtful, mean, spiteful, calculating words and actions hurled at me for the sheer pleasure of watching me suffer - The same way a lion anticipates the killing of his next meal, mouth watering, hunger burning, heart beating faster, breathing becoming quicker and the anticipation of what's to come is literally settling on his taste buds before he even take his first bit. The lion sees the prey. Wants to capture it, own it, covet it and devour it. First it enjoys the beauty of the gazelle it's about it begin torturing. Just wathing it's every move. Studying it. Observing and taking in it's stride, the length, the speed, the direction it's heading, watching with a gaze that almost seems statuesque. When the lion is sure it's calcuted the speed of the gazelle apporpriately, the length of it's stride accurately and is sure of the direction it's heading, the lion begins the cat & mouse chase it'll take with this creature that's blissfully unaware it's being watched and hunted down. The hunt is now underway. The lion gaining on the gazelle who is suddenly keenly aware that something bad is about to happen but still not seeing the lion it's oblivious to it's coming fate. All the gazelle's senses are heightened, as are those of the lion. They each share in the sudden crispening of the scents in the air, the sharpness of every echoe in the forest, the fast beating hearts, blood pumping energetically through each of their veins. Now is about the time the gazelle is aware there is a predator close at hand. It's never been in a fight for it's life before. It has no idea the lion has done this a million times and knows exactly what he is doing. He's had years to sharpen his skills and learn every technique to outrun and outsmart it's prey. The gazelle only knows when it senses danger it needs to run. So, this is what the gazelle begins to do. But, before she's able to pick up any speed at all the lion has her under his paw and is pouncing. The lion first knocks her unsteady so she's unable to run swiftly. She tries to gain her composure and escape the danger she now knows she's in. The lion finds her struggling almost humurous. He knows it's futile. She's seconds away from her demise and he is enjoying the power he now holds over her as he is able to knock her to the ground and take her in his strong jaws. At this point she is dazed and trying to alert her mind to what just happened and what is happening to her. All she's fully aware of is the fear overtaking her.
Then the lion drops the prey to the ground bleeding and injured and blames if for bleeding all over his clean beard and ground. Telling it is all the prey's fault. Had the prey not let him catch it he wouldn't have wrapped his mouth arounds it's neck. Had the prey not struggled, he never would have had to bite down and cut it with his sharp teeth or hold it down with his sharp claws. The lion then apologizes and sweetly smiles at the prey telling it to get up and run and play. "But, run faster next time because if I catch you again you'll just bleed all over me again. If you would't do that I wouldn't have to eat you alive." The lion tells it's prey. As the prey bewilderly looks at the lion, then toward the direction of freedom and back at the lion. Not sure whether to run for it's life, or stay put in the lions good graces while he's in a good mood, or maybe escape while the lion is sleeping? How can it out run the lion next time? How can it not struggle if it is captured? How can it keep the blood from dripping from the open wounds so as not to upset the lion anymore?
This is how my lover would become each time he was moving in for the kill of hurtful, harmful, utterly mean and cruel words and actions. Only to sit back and blame the prey for making him work too hard for the meal. This predator/prey scenerio is a good depiction of what it's like to live with and love a sociopath.
Me on the other hand being the victim see this "win" in an entirely different vantage point.I never would have struggled in the lions jaws had he never captured me in them in the first place I would have gladly out run him had I been warned he was coming ahead of time. I didn't want to be caught and devoured alive. I am in the fight for my life when I see this beast coming for me, when he does catch me and hold me in his grip I am momentarily stunned, unable to move, unsure whether to fight a battle I am sure to loose, or give in to his control. I choose to put forth the struggle of my life in hopes the lion will eventually tire of toying with me and let me go. When he does release me from his mighty jowles - and I drop to the ground at that moment I am unaware of where I am. I'm not clear if I'm dead or alive. Just as I'm beginning to come to my senses and realize I am in fact alive and out of the trenches of this lions sharp teeth he begins to roar at me for bleeding in his mouth and getting blood on his beard and ground. I want to apologize at first. I AM sorry for the lion does look an awful mess. I am hurting. But the lion did say it would have let me go had I not struggled so much. He also is giving me a chance now. He must have some compassion for me and empathy for my suffering. I am grateful to the lion for letting me go. I'm a bit stunned and confused, I do apologize for getting his beard messing with my blood. I'm somehow instinctually think it really is the lions fault for chopping on my flesh in the first place. But, I am confused. He didn't eat me and he could have. He didn't rip me to shreds and he could have. He's telling me I can get away next time. He must really be a kind lion after all. After briefly hesitating I start to run slowly at first thinking the lion might be playing a trick on me. When I see he has aquiest and is relaxing in the sun I pick up the pace and begin running as quickly as I can. Only to discover the lion is hot on my heels about ready to devour me again. All the while the lion isn't really going to kill me anytime soon. He's plenty full of himself and doesn't need a meal. He is utterly enjoying the chase though. Knowing full well he'll win every time. He wants more of a challenge. He hates me for "letting" myself get caught. He loves me for continuing to play his game. I am feeling dizzy like I'm running in circles getting nowhere.

Okay, in a nut shell. That has been me and my sociopathic lovers relationship over the past 8 years.

Next entry I'll hunt for (no pun intended) and post some clinical defintions of what a sociopath is. I'll follow that with the start of my life living with and loving the lion, aka sociopath