Looks Like a Disorder, Sounds Like a Disorder, Acts Like a Disorder

When I was first considering the possibility the my ex was a psychopath/sociopath I often would doubt myself and question myself. I would think "Naaaaaa.......he isn't a psychopath. He really does have great capacity and feelings of love toward me and others. He is just an emotionally broken man who has been emotionally crippled by his upbringing." I'd often reflect on conversations we've had. The ways I've seen him with his children. The things he'd SAY to me and the way I felt he tried to keep from hurting me. Surely these things aren't that of a psychopath. Are they?

I write "SAY" all in caps because he would say a lot of things. Make a lot of promises. None of which ever came to fruition, or were fulfilled in any way. Nor do I believe he ever had any intention of fulfilling them. They were words as bait to keep me hooked as long as he could manage. Actions speak much louder than words my friend.


For a long while, I believed that despite his best efforts not to, he did hurt me; Unintentionally I would tell myself.   I assume that because of how emotionally damaged he was, he just couldn't help but to hurt me. I believed he was so lost in trying to save himself, that I was an innocent victim as much as he was to his own pain and suffering. It is this thinking that allowed me to justify the mean, hurtful behavior he so often exhibited. It is this thinking that kept me and us, in that cycle of "I must save and protect him," "Someone must save and protect me," codependence. He needed saving, I needed someone to save. We were a perfect match. A match that ignited fire leaving charcoal, and ashes in its wake. Not a beautiful perfect match. But a perfect match for disaster, pain and suffering on my side. A perfect match for thrills, drama and what is known as "victim supply" for him.

Victim supply is a term used to describe the manner in which disordered personalities feed off of their victim. They need to have something, someone to fill the emtpy void that is w/in them. Because the soul, the heart, the mind of a human animal require love, bonding, joy, empathy and conscience to care for one another in order to survive, the disordered personality needs to, in essence, drain their victim dry of those very traits. The disordered person is unable to fill his/her own soul, heart and mind with these very real human traits that are at the core of the"human condition." Therefor the disordered personality will seek out a victim to drain and feed off to meet these human needs - much like a leech feeds from it's host. We who experience them take for granted these very real aspects of the human animal as being inherint to the human spirit. We don't ever entertain the thought that perhapas this other person is operating from a seperate realm of consciesness than we are. It isn't a natural thought process to make the assumtion that a person in our life has no conscience, no capacity to empathize with us, or bond with us the way we are bonded with them. As I type those words it is still a difficult concept to wrap my brain around. In my world, when you hurt I hurt. I simply don't have the capacity NOT to care.

Think how empty your life would be without the capacity to bond with other human beings. How empty one must feel w/out the ability to feel empathy, or compassion for other humans.  It is my belief that the great void that is within the vessel of this human body, mind and spirit unable to fully experience itself, is what creates the tremendous desperation w/in a disordered person. Disordered human beings are intensely empty and lonely. They are grasping for you (victim supply) to provide what they are so lacking. The inability to provide it for themselves is the driving force propelling the victimization of you. I equate it to a drowning victim that will take down his/her rescuer in an attempt to save his/her own self. Unfortunately, they both end up sinking to the bottom. Much like what happens within a relationship with a disordered person.

I no longer question if I am right or wrong in my labeling my ex a psychopath, or sociopath. I no longer question it because it doesn't matter what the label is. It doesn't matter what title I assign to him. What does matter is the actions and behavior meant to drain me of all decent emotions. The immense void w/in this disordered person was like an engine revving at full speed blasting through my life trying to take from me all that is human. I now fully understand his great fear of being alone. The intense loneliness he feels is because w/out the supply of a victim to drain there is a dry empty capsule. I now completely understand his desperation to find the "special love." that shall fill his empty cup. Unfortunately, his cup has no bottom. He'll keep seeking and draining victims of all they have to give. Yet his cup will forever be empty.

Not only that, but no one person can fill another persons cup if you have no cup to fill. A person who is full within themselves, who has molded for themselves a unique, special holding place for all life has to offer, good or bad, is a person who has a cup that will be filled again and again. In order to empty this cup for the next filling, this type of person will pour whatever they have into another's cup. This giving and transferring of resources is what connects all of us human beings and feeds our souls. I am not saying we need to look outside ourselves for fulfillment. I do not believe we should look to others for what sustains us. I do believe that we (all humans) are in a constant balance of filling ones cup and/or draining ones cup. It takes both filling and emptying for the cycle of relationships to continue. I help you by providing what you need when you run low, and you in turn either use that same resource when I'm feeling low or, transfer it to another holding their cup out in need of a bit of sustenance. The disordered person has no such ability to return the favor, nor pass it along.

Therefor I come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what label you assign to the person in your life that is draining you w/out offering to replenish you when you run dry. It doesn't matter if this person has an empty cup w/nothing to give. It doesn't matter if this person has a whole in the bottom of his/her cup because of previous trauma. It doesn't matter if he/she has a cup 1/2 full but is too stingy to share. What matters is if this person is willing and able to take part in the balance of giving, sharing and receiving. It takes both the giving and receiving to create a harmonious relationship. Harmony w/one another is the greatest gift of all that we can offer one another. So, if you are in doubt whether the disordered person in your life has meant to hurt you, hurt you to release his/her own pain, or hurt you because he/she is trying to drain your blood in order to fill his/her void, none of that matters.  What matters is if you are being honored, valued and loved. If the answer is no. Move on. You will find love at the other end of your journey. But, only if you are willing to get off of the trail that leads to nowhere.

Looks like a, sounds like a, acts like a disorder. It most likely is. If it isn't, does it even matter?  The important thing is to get away from whatever is looking, sounding, or acting like a drain on your most treasured resource. The resource of your human spirit. Care for it well and it'll return the favor. Deplete it and it'll return the favor. Live well!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbRHIfS_l-w

The Unexamined Woman

Some traits that women who love psychopaths share:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31LDNcbQywk&feature=related

Dr. Vaknin writes... “It is possible to have a relatively smooth relationship with a narcissist, and it's possible to maintain it for a long time. The first requirement for this, though, is distance: this simply cannot be done with a narcissist you live with. Given distance, or only transient and intermittent contact, you can get along with narcissists by treating them as infants: you give them whatever they want or need whenever they ask and do not expect any reciprocation at all, do not expect them to show the slightest interest in you or your life (or even in why you're bothering with them at all), do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings, do not expect them to take ordinary responsibility in any way. But note: they are not infants; infants develop and mature and require this kind of care for only a brief period, after which they are on the road to autonomy and looking after themselves, whereas narcissists never outgrow their demands for dedicated attention to their infantile needs 168 hours a week. Adult narcissists can be as demanding of your time and energy as little babies but without the gratification of their growing or learning anything from what they suck from you. Babies love you back, but adult narcissists are like vampires: they will take all you can give while giving nothing back, then curse you for running dry and discard you as a waste of their precious time. “It is also essential that you keep emotional distance from narcissists.” Ten Do's and Five Don't Dos if you INSIST on Staying with Him Narcissistic Personality Disorder Tips – by Sam Vaknin, PhDhttp://samvak.tripod.com/npdtips.html

The preceding quote couldn't be more accurate. I often would equate my psychopaths personality to that of a child. As his own son became about the age of 12 I recall how evident it was that his son was more mature than he was. Even when his son was only 7, I can recall moments of thinking they acted exactly alike and had the same way of responding and reacting to things. I'd often hear from both of them, "I didn't do anything!", or, "you're saying that for no good reason!" as they'd stomp off in a huff. The 7 year old would say that if he were redirected and the "man" would say that if he noticed I was getting frustrated. But, even when I wasn't. Sometimes the "man" would just start saying that and I'd be left wondering what give him the impression I was upset about something? Apparently he'd done something that he hoped would provoke me and was then beginning to build his case about how wrong I was to feel provoked. I heard this mostly in the very beginning of our relationship. I believe this is because he was figuring out what my buttons were. He must have been incredibly frustrated when he was all prepared for the thrill of seeing me hurt and upset, yet I didn't realize I was supposed to be. My ex psycho was then forced to resort to even meaner tactics to get the result he was looking for, making him appear even more infantile and self-centered.

Dr Samvak is himself a narcissist (a form of psychopath), so he knows them more intimately than you, or I will ever have the displeasure of knowing. His assertion that they will take everything from you, and return nothing in kind, is absolutely accurate. Psychopaths have only one concern, that is that their every need and whim be met instantaneously and w/out question. They expect you to have no needs of your own. If you do happen to have a need for something like, oh I don't know, maybe some consideration for your feelings at the very least, you'll be highly disappointed. In fact quite the contrary. The one thing the narcissist will do that a baby doesn't do, is intentionally hurt you as often and as deeply as possible for "no good reason."

In the book The Unexamined Victim, Women Who Love Psychopaths, the author explains what a psychopath is looking for in a victim. They psychopath doesn't start off the relationship acting as the above quote from Dr.Samvak describes. If they did I doubt they'd ensnare as many victims as they do. Perhaps an occasional victim with low self esteem and little self worth who doesn't feel that he/she is very important themselves. But, that sort of victim is little thrill for the psychopath. They prefer victims who have a good amount of self worth and esteem. It's much more fun watching them crumble at the masters hand, then to watch an already defeated victim remain defeated.

The relationship of a psychopath has a pattern to it. There is the initial "wooing" stage which is something called the "luring" stage, or the "idealization phase." This is when he/she puts on the show of their lives for you.  They read you like a scrip from a theatrical film and you are the character they'll be playing. They're studying you to see what your likes/dislikes are. They are ascertaining what it is you're looking for, needing, or lacking in your life. They'll then begin the process of putting on their academy award winning performance of becoming the very man/woman of your dreams. "All the better to ensnare you with my pretty." I can imagine them eerily saying to themselves as they begin their ascend into your life. If you are someone who enjoys dancing, and the night life. Well, that is what they'll become. Someone who loves to go out to the clubs and dance those little twinkle toes off.

So, you see in the beginning it can be difficult to recognize a psychopath and a person has to be vigilant in noticing the signs early on to avoid a vicious snare waiting along the path. I love Dr. Phil's quote, "the best predictor for future behavior is past behavior." If he/she has a string of broken relationships in his/her past. Chances are, you'll be another in  a long line of victims the perpetrator has left in their wake.

So, what does the perpetrator look for in a victim? How can you protect yourself from being a tempting target? In the book The Unexamined Victim - Women Who Love Psychopaths, the author studied common traits and characteristics of victims specifically of psychopathic lovers. It turns out we are a breed of our own w/some distinct features not found in victims of other crimes such as rape, domestic violence, assault and so on. I'll cover the information from the book in the coming days. For at the moment it is 3:49am and I need to be up for work in a few hrs. Time to get some shut eye before the morning light.

http://www.sott.net/articles/show/228663-The-Unexamined-Victim-Women-Who-Love-Psychopaths

Love me, leave me, love me, leave me...

The past seems to somehow miraculously disappear, along with their declared feelings for us, and commitments to us, all in the blink of an eye.

This always puzzled me how I could be his entire world one minute and the next I'd be erased. He often would say "he was being good and staying away so as not to hurt me any longer." The significance I played in his children's lives seemed to be of no importance either. I was the "permanent" semi -steady relationship while he had multiple short time ones. His children are part of his disguise as a nice normal guy. So, he would bring new women in immediately to meet his children, while still having me around. This forced the children also to lie so his secret of a new conquest wouldn't be found out. Soon as he had the next victim lined up for over night stays is when he'd tell me he was going to be better and say away from me so he wouldn't be hurting me any longer. He would never stay away long though. This revolving bedroom door of his has taken a toll on his youngest child in particular who has become quite bonded with me. I 've been in her life for 8 years, she was just 2 when I came into her life. I feel so very sad for her.

 In the end, we come to realise that any feelings they said they had for us were nothing more than a primitive expression of emotion designed to have whatever needs they wanted us to meet in that precise here and now moment. Once they are done with us and have secured their next victim, they can delete us as though the past never happened and we never existed. And yet, periodically, they pop up to harass and stalk some of their previous victims, not because they miss them, but because they need those dominance bonds to feel empowered and alive.

Here is the full article
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/10/20/erased-but-not-forgotten-psychopaths-and-emotional-memory/