Duplicity

A cool crisp autumn afternoon and I'm lounging around the house recovering from a severe cough that has left me too weak to do much else. Doing some channel surfing I come across a movie with Clive Owen and Julie Roberts called Duplicity. While watching it I am reminded of how duplicitous a psychopath is. How duplicitous anything a psychopath says is. As well as how duplicitous a relationship with a psychopath is.

The dictionary definition of duplicity is:

"1.contradictory doubleness of thought, speech, or action; especially: the belying of one's true intentions by deceptive words or action

2: the quality or state of being double or twofold

3: the technically incorrect use of two or more distinct items (as claims, charges, or defenses) in a single legal action"

The first definition "contradictory doubleness of thought, speech or action." This would be the very definition of a psychopath. In the beginning of the relationship when they are in the idealization phase the person they present to you is nothing like the person they truly are. Additionally, the intent of their relationship with you has little if anything to do with the intention they are actualizing before your eyes. If the psychopath is intending a romantic interlude with you, or even a romantic relationship with you their actions, words, speech and thinking is rampant with duplicities. They may present themselves as being smitten with you and wanting to be your everything. If you are a single parent, they'll be the man/woman who loves children and is happy to be there for you to help with watching the children, help with cooking meals, doing homework, or playing catch with the children. At night he/she may be ready to draw you a bubble bath, bring you a glass of wine, pamper and care for you. While in actuality they really couldn't care less about your fatigue, or stress, or feelings of being overwhelmed. In fact they are probably rejoicing in your suffering because it is making the door for them to enter into your life so incredibly easy to walk through. Any gesture, action, or words you hear them speak that appear caring or thoughtful and duplicitous. The only care or thought a psychopath feels is for him/herself. If your psychopath has ever seemed thoughtful, or generous, take a good look at what may have motivated the seemed generosity. For generosity and the psychopath are duplicitous terms. The psychopath is generous to thine own self alone. When I reflect back on some seemingly generous or selfless acts or words my psychopath told me, or did for me I can always trace back a motive. Even if the only motive was to keep me in his life for the next time he needed me for a victim. Had he completely burned our bridges and severed the relationship to a place that would be irreparable he wouldn't have a sure thing lined up in terms of future victim supply. Apparently even the simplest of generosity or thoughtfulness is rampant with duplicity. The entire relationship is wrapped and woven very tightly in a mask of duplicity. The loving relationship I thought I was a part of, the connection I felt with this person and all the moments of intense emotion and passion we shared was duplicitous. I and I alone was experiencing them. What he was experiencing was a series of accomplishments, victories and defeats that were and remain completely about himself. There was never an "us", there never is an "us" with a psychopath.  There's a me against you. There is "I will conquer and destroy you, I will win, I will come out on top, I will have control and power over you." I, I, I, I, I. This is the relationship with a psychopath. There is no "us" in "us". There is "I", victory and defeat for I and I alone in "us" for the psychopath. Very duplicitous. 

The psychopath has been in the practice of living a duplicitous existence since their very first recollection of "self."  As soon as the psychopath is aware of themselves in relationship to a world outside of themselves they are aware of the difference between them and "I." In order to simulate with "them" and fit in with "them" the psychopath has to appear like "them" i.e. us. Hence the beginning of duplicity. They watch, mimic, pretend, learn how to be like the rest of us. Much like the big back wolf learns how to be Grandma in Little Red Riding Hood. Appearing like Grandma is what will get him the meal he so desires. The Big Bad Wolf may be one of the first introductions we as children have of a psychopath. He is extremely duplicitous. He pretends to be Little Red Riding Hoods friend. He pretends to want to help her deliver her basket to Grandma's house. But his real intention isn't to help Little Red Riding Hood at all. His intention is to help himself to whatever it is he wants. 

Another red flag was the self deprecation. A saw this as insecurity and vulnerability. In actuality this too was duplicitous. The focus on his flaws turned out to be more narcissism. It was another way to have his ego fed. When he would ask me if I found him attractive, he'd get to hear exactly what he'd been craving. "Of course you're handsome."  He'd ask me what I liked best about him. What I would rate him on a scale of 1 - 10. He would ask these almost daily for nearly all the 7 1/2 yrs we were together. Duplicity in action. Feigning insecurity when his ego just needed a constant supply of feeding. He never did return the gesture to tell me I was beautiful of course.

When allowing someone to enter into my life I intend to err on the side of duplicity. Not that I'm going to be paranoid and assume everyone is out to victimize me. But, I do intend to make the assumption whenever in question, to error on the side of duplicity until otherwise is proven instead of the other way around. This may mean a person who would have gotten a second chance from me in the past will not in the future. To some this may appear harsh. But when I give it more thought it is not. I have never hurt another person intentionally. I've never done something so thoughtless that it was in complete and total disregard of another's feelings to the degree that it directly hurt them deeply. I've been thoughtless and careless, of course I'm human. I've made attempts to change my behavior and been sincerely sorry when I've hurt someone. But, I never expect them to roll out the red carpet and welcome me back to do it again. I understand I am guilty until I prove myself otherwise. I think if we entered our romantic relationships this way we would avoid, or at least be as safe as we can be from duplicitious people.


Sarah McGlaughlin's Building A Mystery. All about the duplicity in a relationship.
http://youtu.be/Od587LPzOJ4

The Unexamined Woman

Some traits that women who love psychopaths share:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31LDNcbQywk&feature=related

Dr. Vaknin writes... “It is possible to have a relatively smooth relationship with a narcissist, and it's possible to maintain it for a long time. The first requirement for this, though, is distance: this simply cannot be done with a narcissist you live with. Given distance, or only transient and intermittent contact, you can get along with narcissists by treating them as infants: you give them whatever they want or need whenever they ask and do not expect any reciprocation at all, do not expect them to show the slightest interest in you or your life (or even in why you're bothering with them at all), do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings, do not expect them to take ordinary responsibility in any way. But note: they are not infants; infants develop and mature and require this kind of care for only a brief period, after which they are on the road to autonomy and looking after themselves, whereas narcissists never outgrow their demands for dedicated attention to their infantile needs 168 hours a week. Adult narcissists can be as demanding of your time and energy as little babies but without the gratification of their growing or learning anything from what they suck from you. Babies love you back, but adult narcissists are like vampires: they will take all you can give while giving nothing back, then curse you for running dry and discard you as a waste of their precious time. “It is also essential that you keep emotional distance from narcissists.” Ten Do's and Five Don't Dos if you INSIST on Staying with Him Narcissistic Personality Disorder Tips – by Sam Vaknin, PhDhttp://samvak.tripod.com/npdtips.html

The preceding quote couldn't be more accurate. I often would equate my psychopaths personality to that of a child. As his own son became about the age of 12 I recall how evident it was that his son was more mature than he was. Even when his son was only 7, I can recall moments of thinking they acted exactly alike and had the same way of responding and reacting to things. I'd often hear from both of them, "I didn't do anything!", or, "you're saying that for no good reason!" as they'd stomp off in a huff. The 7 year old would say that if he were redirected and the "man" would say that if he noticed I was getting frustrated. But, even when I wasn't. Sometimes the "man" would just start saying that and I'd be left wondering what give him the impression I was upset about something? Apparently he'd done something that he hoped would provoke me and was then beginning to build his case about how wrong I was to feel provoked. I heard this mostly in the very beginning of our relationship. I believe this is because he was figuring out what my buttons were. He must have been incredibly frustrated when he was all prepared for the thrill of seeing me hurt and upset, yet I didn't realize I was supposed to be. My ex psycho was then forced to resort to even meaner tactics to get the result he was looking for, making him appear even more infantile and self-centered.

Dr Samvak is himself a narcissist (a form of psychopath), so he knows them more intimately than you, or I will ever have the displeasure of knowing. His assertion that they will take everything from you, and return nothing in kind, is absolutely accurate. Psychopaths have only one concern, that is that their every need and whim be met instantaneously and w/out question. They expect you to have no needs of your own. If you do happen to have a need for something like, oh I don't know, maybe some consideration for your feelings at the very least, you'll be highly disappointed. In fact quite the contrary. The one thing the narcissist will do that a baby doesn't do, is intentionally hurt you as often and as deeply as possible for "no good reason."

In the book The Unexamined Victim, Women Who Love Psychopaths, the author explains what a psychopath is looking for in a victim. They psychopath doesn't start off the relationship acting as the above quote from Dr.Samvak describes. If they did I doubt they'd ensnare as many victims as they do. Perhaps an occasional victim with low self esteem and little self worth who doesn't feel that he/she is very important themselves. But, that sort of victim is little thrill for the psychopath. They prefer victims who have a good amount of self worth and esteem. It's much more fun watching them crumble at the masters hand, then to watch an already defeated victim remain defeated.

The relationship of a psychopath has a pattern to it. There is the initial "wooing" stage which is something called the "luring" stage, or the "idealization phase." This is when he/she puts on the show of their lives for you.  They read you like a scrip from a theatrical film and you are the character they'll be playing. They're studying you to see what your likes/dislikes are. They are ascertaining what it is you're looking for, needing, or lacking in your life. They'll then begin the process of putting on their academy award winning performance of becoming the very man/woman of your dreams. "All the better to ensnare you with my pretty." I can imagine them eerily saying to themselves as they begin their ascend into your life. If you are someone who enjoys dancing, and the night life. Well, that is what they'll become. Someone who loves to go out to the clubs and dance those little twinkle toes off.

So, you see in the beginning it can be difficult to recognize a psychopath and a person has to be vigilant in noticing the signs early on to avoid a vicious snare waiting along the path. I love Dr. Phil's quote, "the best predictor for future behavior is past behavior." If he/she has a string of broken relationships in his/her past. Chances are, you'll be another in  a long line of victims the perpetrator has left in their wake.

So, what does the perpetrator look for in a victim? How can you protect yourself from being a tempting target? In the book The Unexamined Victim - Women Who Love Psychopaths, the author studied common traits and characteristics of victims specifically of psychopathic lovers. It turns out we are a breed of our own w/some distinct features not found in victims of other crimes such as rape, domestic violence, assault and so on. I'll cover the information from the book in the coming days. For at the moment it is 3:49am and I need to be up for work in a few hrs. Time to get some shut eye before the morning light.

http://www.sott.net/articles/show/228663-The-Unexamined-Victim-Women-Who-Love-Psychopaths

Why Do We Stay For All That Abuse?

"For sociopaths, control is like a drug; it's what drives them; it's like cocaine to their system. They need a victim. They need to have someone to control. So they create that victim through charm. Just knowing that they can always get back this person, even when they heap hurt upon hurt on them somehow boosts whatever's missing for them, whether it's a self-esteem issue or not. They thrive on having their behaviour go unpunished." http://www.outlish.com/loving-a-sociopath/

For a sociopath/psychopath the need to have a victim to control is insatiable. They are master con artist. They appear to be the "boy next door", the suave business man, the romantic artist, they put on a show to become the person they know you're longing for. How do they know who you're longing for? Some say psychopaths have a 6th sense.Ted Bunday for example said he could spot a victim in 6 seconds by the tilt of her head when she walked. I don't think a psychopath has to be a violent killer to master this technique. They all have it.  Amazingly how they are emotionally immature and shallow, yet they can read our deepest desire and thoughts like Kreskin. They've been doing it since birth. By the time a psychopath reaches adulthood he/she has a a lot of practice pretending to be something he/she is not. It's a matter of survival for them. A fresh live victim is their life's blood. Therefor it's primeval and instinctual to read you like a book and become what it is you want. Be vigilant in reading the subtle signs in the beginning. Some things simply can't be pretended away. If you know what to look for. I'll tell you what a few of those things are later in this post.


Mine would use sympathy. He would pretend to be so sad and lonely w/out me. He would flatter me and hold both my hands all night long while we slept. He'd tell me he doesn't hold other woman at all. He doesn't like to cuddle, except with me of course. I'm the exception because I'm special. At the same time he would rarely kiss me and tell me it's because he didn't love me enough. Kissing was just too special and saved for the woman he would marry. I would get incredible mixed msgs. In one breath, "I love you." The next breath I'd get, "I can't kiss you."  Then the next breath "I only hold you this way. You are different than every other girl I've been with. There is something special about you." followed by "you're not special enough to marry, though I do love you."  Can you see how confused a person can be?

Perhaps his best ploy though was to play on my empathy, which is the very reason he chose me in the first place. The more empathetic, moral and virtuous the woman, the more intense the challenge to conquer her and destroy her. She'll fall harder than someone whose already low.

Hope is eternal. Let's face it, we all want love. We all want that special person to spend the rest of our lives with.  The psychopath is aware of this. The person he/she pretended to be, the illusion he/she created is what becomes that person you're longing for. So, when the bait and switch happens and you realize this person next to you is not who you initially began dating, you fool yourself with your own memories. You see this person through those eyes of the intitial courtship. You are sure at some point that person will return. He/ she won't. He/she never existed in the first place.

The sympathy and build me up ploy. I was asked several times each day, what do you like about me? Do you like my eyes? Do you like  my lips? What's your favorite thing about me? What would you rate me on a scale of 1 - 10? I at first thought this was insecurity talking. In hindsight I see this was his way of feeding his ego. Tell me, tell me, tell me all the things that are wonderful about me!!

He spent a great deal of time telling me how he lacked confidence as well. How he didn't think he was attractive enough, smart enough, or charming enough to lure women. Of course I would always reply with compliments. Ego "Feed me, feed me feed me!!! Yet that is exactly what he did, continually. Lure women.

No woman likes to see her man cry. Now if you accuse your man of horning you or behaving inappropriately, and he doesn't want you to leave, he does several things, the top one being... cry. Now if he starts to boohoo like a big baby, with snatty nose and the whole works, you're more likely to dismiss his show. But when a man puts down a Denzel Washington tear a la John Q, something in your heart breaks, and you forgive him. In the back of your mind, you know something's wrong... very wrong, but how can you say no to such tightly wound up, deep emotion?

http://www.outlish.com/loving-a-sociopath/

So how do you spot them early on if they are so good and charming? Remember, they are pretending to be someone they are not.  They are pretending their emotions by mimicking and mirroring yours. You can cut to the chase by delving into deep emotional self reflective topics early on. Like date 1 or 2!
Ask him/her to reflect on past relationships.Sociopaths hate to talk about their emotions, because they have none. They aren't incredibly deep thinkers or largely self reflective. They don't have the capacity for it. If your psychopath is in the idealization phase and is pretending to idealize you and he intends to keep you his victim for a period of time, he may attempt to play along and discuss feelings and emotions of prior relationships. If he's already conquered you and he's in the devalue stage, good luck getting him to talk about anything that isn't his agenda. Let's say for arguements sake, he/she's agreed to delve into prior relationships with you. Here are some good questions to start with.

Where did he/she go wrong? How did he contribute to the relationship not working? 
Did he feel the same in the beginning of the relatioship as he did in the end?
If he says yes, that's a red flag. If he knew from the start the relationship would go nowhere why drag it out and string the poor girl along building her hopes and letting her love grow only to leave her in the end? That act alone shows a man who is not empathetic to the needs of those he claims to care about. He was feeding his own need by keeping her around until she was no longer useful, then discard. Classic psychopathic behavior.
Did he lead her to believe otherwise?
Did he actually marry her?
If so, how are you to know his intentions with you are sincere?

Does he have a string of prior short term, or toxic relationships? If so, red flag.

How does he talk about prior relationship's? Does he show much emotion? Does he conjure up plenty of "ummm's"  If so, another red flag. Psychopaths have difficulty talking about or recalling emotions for several reasons. First they don't have any. If they do have some, they are limited and shallow. Second, their memories aren't based on emotion like ours are. Their memories are based on strategic goals, and neutral win/fail occurrences. Psychopaths operate purely on a cause and effect basis. Every action they take, every word they say is for a specific purpose designed to create an effect of some kind. Most often the effect of creating an illusion to you of who they are. If you are in the devalue stage, you are already sure you're dealing with someone who clearly is "off" in some way. A psychopaths entire existence at that point is cruelty and pain dished out at your expense. They are working on getting you to eventually leave them because of the cruelty they inflict. By your leaving them they are completely absolved of any responsibility for the break-up. At least as far as they see it.
Is your man/women a blame gamer? Does he/she have to assign blame to someone for something that went wrong. If so, who is to blame? Why assign blame?

If you're lucky enough to get "references" from prior relationships. Talk with them. Ask them about their experiences in the relationship. Would they set that person up with their best friend? Why? Why not? After all who better to know what this person is like the another who was in your shoes at some point and time.  Granted you may not know these people well either. You may not trust their integrity. But, if you talk to more than one and you get similar stories. That's a red flag that is waving high, loud, and long!

You can also bring up topics of politics, religions, introspection, these are all difficult topics for the psychopath to relate to. Depending on what phase relationship is in, he'll either humor you (idealize phase) yet if you probe for deeper thinking you'll see him/her become flustered. If you're in the devalue phase you'll get resistance to even discuss the topics. Most likely you be verbally abused for how inept you are in these areas therefor not worth your psychopaths time to even attempt discussing such matters.

If He Seems to Good to be True He Probably Is

For the full article click the link below.
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/06/10/psychopaths-and-psychological-torture/

Psychopaths don’t just hurt those around them. They build them up first, so that the fall will be more painful and, preferably, shatter them. The higher a psychopath takes you during the idealization phase of the relationship (when he showers you with flattery, gifts and declarations of eternal love), the lower you can expect to fall in his eyes during the devaluation phase, when he isolates you from loved ones, undermines your confidence and criticizes you both to your face and to others.

My psychopath would never directly try to isolate me from my loved ones. He is much too good to be that obvious. He'd talk about how much he liked my mom, and other members of my family. Although he always managed to monopolize my time and keep me away from friends and family as much as possible. His would exhibit more of an expression of neediness so I'd feel like he was just lost without me which made me want to spend all my time with him instead with others. 

 He is also the kind of psychopath whose life is parasitic. He loves to have other people take care of his needs. If a family member wanted to cook us dinner for example. He'd be all over that for two reason. First it was free meal. He didn't need to spend any money on food. Plus, someone else would be doing the preparing, cooking, cleaning and all he was expected to do was show up. He loved that. His grandmother purchased his home, his father purchased his car, he managed to get me to supply dinner for he and his children for a good part of the 1st year we were together until I finally refused to do it any longer and required him to supply his family meals. He of course tried making me feel that I was being unreasonable for this.

He also continued to simultaneously build me up, still nearly 8 years later while at the same time tearing me down. But again never directly. He would never come straight and out and call me names or tell me I was stupid. Again, he is much too good for that. He would however tell me how smart I was about everything but this one thing..and then continue to tear my thoughts down about a particular issue. It turns out soon every thought or idea I expressed I would get the same reaction from him. "You're really smart Lisa, but on this one thing......"  Very smart of him. I can't accuse him of calling me stupid when he starts off by telling me how smart I am. Just before tearing every thought I have to shreds.

 All psychopaths behave this way towards their partners, at the very least on an emotional level. They gain your love and trust only to  take sadistic pleasure in harming you. Each time you forgive their behavior and take them back, they enjoy the thrill of having regained your confidence so that they can hurt you again. Psychopaths engage in psychological torture for the same reason that totalitarian regimes do: to crush you body and spirit; to have you entirely at their mercy and under their control.

I don't know which hurts more physical or physcological. When it's physical abuse it seems like more people understand your dilemma and why you feel trapped. But, the psychological abuse people can't figure out why you stay for all that mistreatment. They wonder why you can't see what a total jerk you have. Well, the trouble is you can see that side.But, they keep you so off balance with just enough charm to keep your hope alive that tomorrow they'll be completely different. They also have you at some level convinced you are to blame for all the abuse.