Looks Like a Disorder, Sounds Like a Disorder, Acts Like a Disorder

When I was first considering the possibility the my ex was a psychopath/sociopath I often would doubt myself and question myself. I would think "Naaaaaa.......he isn't a psychopath. He really does have great capacity and feelings of love toward me and others. He is just an emotionally broken man who has been emotionally crippled by his upbringing." I'd often reflect on conversations we've had. The ways I've seen him with his children. The things he'd SAY to me and the way I felt he tried to keep from hurting me. Surely these things aren't that of a psychopath. Are they?

I write "SAY" all in caps because he would say a lot of things. Make a lot of promises. None of which ever came to fruition, or were fulfilled in any way. Nor do I believe he ever had any intention of fulfilling them. They were words as bait to keep me hooked as long as he could manage. Actions speak much louder than words my friend.


For a long while, I believed that despite his best efforts not to, he did hurt me; Unintentionally I would tell myself.   I assume that because of how emotionally damaged he was, he just couldn't help but to hurt me. I believed he was so lost in trying to save himself, that I was an innocent victim as much as he was to his own pain and suffering. It is this thinking that allowed me to justify the mean, hurtful behavior he so often exhibited. It is this thinking that kept me and us, in that cycle of "I must save and protect him," "Someone must save and protect me," codependence. He needed saving, I needed someone to save. We were a perfect match. A match that ignited fire leaving charcoal, and ashes in its wake. Not a beautiful perfect match. But a perfect match for disaster, pain and suffering on my side. A perfect match for thrills, drama and what is known as "victim supply" for him.

Victim supply is a term used to describe the manner in which disordered personalities feed off of their victim. They need to have something, someone to fill the emtpy void that is w/in them. Because the soul, the heart, the mind of a human animal require love, bonding, joy, empathy and conscience to care for one another in order to survive, the disordered personality needs to, in essence, drain their victim dry of those very traits. The disordered person is unable to fill his/her own soul, heart and mind with these very real human traits that are at the core of the"human condition." Therefor the disordered personality will seek out a victim to drain and feed off to meet these human needs - much like a leech feeds from it's host. We who experience them take for granted these very real aspects of the human animal as being inherint to the human spirit. We don't ever entertain the thought that perhapas this other person is operating from a seperate realm of consciesness than we are. It isn't a natural thought process to make the assumtion that a person in our life has no conscience, no capacity to empathize with us, or bond with us the way we are bonded with them. As I type those words it is still a difficult concept to wrap my brain around. In my world, when you hurt I hurt. I simply don't have the capacity NOT to care.

Think how empty your life would be without the capacity to bond with other human beings. How empty one must feel w/out the ability to feel empathy, or compassion for other humans.  It is my belief that the great void that is within the vessel of this human body, mind and spirit unable to fully experience itself, is what creates the tremendous desperation w/in a disordered person. Disordered human beings are intensely empty and lonely. They are grasping for you (victim supply) to provide what they are so lacking. The inability to provide it for themselves is the driving force propelling the victimization of you. I equate it to a drowning victim that will take down his/her rescuer in an attempt to save his/her own self. Unfortunately, they both end up sinking to the bottom. Much like what happens within a relationship with a disordered person.

I no longer question if I am right or wrong in my labeling my ex a psychopath, or sociopath. I no longer question it because it doesn't matter what the label is. It doesn't matter what title I assign to him. What does matter is the actions and behavior meant to drain me of all decent emotions. The immense void w/in this disordered person was like an engine revving at full speed blasting through my life trying to take from me all that is human. I now fully understand his great fear of being alone. The intense loneliness he feels is because w/out the supply of a victim to drain there is a dry empty capsule. I now completely understand his desperation to find the "special love." that shall fill his empty cup. Unfortunately, his cup has no bottom. He'll keep seeking and draining victims of all they have to give. Yet his cup will forever be empty.

Not only that, but no one person can fill another persons cup if you have no cup to fill. A person who is full within themselves, who has molded for themselves a unique, special holding place for all life has to offer, good or bad, is a person who has a cup that will be filled again and again. In order to empty this cup for the next filling, this type of person will pour whatever they have into another's cup. This giving and transferring of resources is what connects all of us human beings and feeds our souls. I am not saying we need to look outside ourselves for fulfillment. I do not believe we should look to others for what sustains us. I do believe that we (all humans) are in a constant balance of filling ones cup and/or draining ones cup. It takes both filling and emptying for the cycle of relationships to continue. I help you by providing what you need when you run low, and you in turn either use that same resource when I'm feeling low or, transfer it to another holding their cup out in need of a bit of sustenance. The disordered person has no such ability to return the favor, nor pass it along.

Therefor I come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what label you assign to the person in your life that is draining you w/out offering to replenish you when you run dry. It doesn't matter if this person has an empty cup w/nothing to give. It doesn't matter if this person has a whole in the bottom of his/her cup because of previous trauma. It doesn't matter if he/she has a cup 1/2 full but is too stingy to share. What matters is if this person is willing and able to take part in the balance of giving, sharing and receiving. It takes both the giving and receiving to create a harmonious relationship. Harmony w/one another is the greatest gift of all that we can offer one another. So, if you are in doubt whether the disordered person in your life has meant to hurt you, hurt you to release his/her own pain, or hurt you because he/she is trying to drain your blood in order to fill his/her void, none of that matters.  What matters is if you are being honored, valued and loved. If the answer is no. Move on. You will find love at the other end of your journey. But, only if you are willing to get off of the trail that leads to nowhere.

Looks like a, sounds like a, acts like a disorder. It most likely is. If it isn't, does it even matter?  The important thing is to get away from whatever is looking, sounding, or acting like a drain on your most treasured resource. The resource of your human spirit. Care for it well and it'll return the favor. Deplete it and it'll return the favor. Live well!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbRHIfS_l-w

Why Do We Stay For All That Abuse?

"For sociopaths, control is like a drug; it's what drives them; it's like cocaine to their system. They need a victim. They need to have someone to control. So they create that victim through charm. Just knowing that they can always get back this person, even when they heap hurt upon hurt on them somehow boosts whatever's missing for them, whether it's a self-esteem issue or not. They thrive on having their behaviour go unpunished." http://www.outlish.com/loving-a-sociopath/

For a sociopath/psychopath the need to have a victim to control is insatiable. They are master con artist. They appear to be the "boy next door", the suave business man, the romantic artist, they put on a show to become the person they know you're longing for. How do they know who you're longing for? Some say psychopaths have a 6th sense.Ted Bunday for example said he could spot a victim in 6 seconds by the tilt of her head when she walked. I don't think a psychopath has to be a violent killer to master this technique. They all have it.  Amazingly how they are emotionally immature and shallow, yet they can read our deepest desire and thoughts like Kreskin. They've been doing it since birth. By the time a psychopath reaches adulthood he/she has a a lot of practice pretending to be something he/she is not. It's a matter of survival for them. A fresh live victim is their life's blood. Therefor it's primeval and instinctual to read you like a book and become what it is you want. Be vigilant in reading the subtle signs in the beginning. Some things simply can't be pretended away. If you know what to look for. I'll tell you what a few of those things are later in this post.


Mine would use sympathy. He would pretend to be so sad and lonely w/out me. He would flatter me and hold both my hands all night long while we slept. He'd tell me he doesn't hold other woman at all. He doesn't like to cuddle, except with me of course. I'm the exception because I'm special. At the same time he would rarely kiss me and tell me it's because he didn't love me enough. Kissing was just too special and saved for the woman he would marry. I would get incredible mixed msgs. In one breath, "I love you." The next breath I'd get, "I can't kiss you."  Then the next breath "I only hold you this way. You are different than every other girl I've been with. There is something special about you." followed by "you're not special enough to marry, though I do love you."  Can you see how confused a person can be?

Perhaps his best ploy though was to play on my empathy, which is the very reason he chose me in the first place. The more empathetic, moral and virtuous the woman, the more intense the challenge to conquer her and destroy her. She'll fall harder than someone whose already low.

Hope is eternal. Let's face it, we all want love. We all want that special person to spend the rest of our lives with.  The psychopath is aware of this. The person he/she pretended to be, the illusion he/she created is what becomes that person you're longing for. So, when the bait and switch happens and you realize this person next to you is not who you initially began dating, you fool yourself with your own memories. You see this person through those eyes of the intitial courtship. You are sure at some point that person will return. He/ she won't. He/she never existed in the first place.

The sympathy and build me up ploy. I was asked several times each day, what do you like about me? Do you like my eyes? Do you like  my lips? What's your favorite thing about me? What would you rate me on a scale of 1 - 10? I at first thought this was insecurity talking. In hindsight I see this was his way of feeding his ego. Tell me, tell me, tell me all the things that are wonderful about me!!

He spent a great deal of time telling me how he lacked confidence as well. How he didn't think he was attractive enough, smart enough, or charming enough to lure women. Of course I would always reply with compliments. Ego "Feed me, feed me feed me!!! Yet that is exactly what he did, continually. Lure women.

No woman likes to see her man cry. Now if you accuse your man of horning you or behaving inappropriately, and he doesn't want you to leave, he does several things, the top one being... cry. Now if he starts to boohoo like a big baby, with snatty nose and the whole works, you're more likely to dismiss his show. But when a man puts down a Denzel Washington tear a la John Q, something in your heart breaks, and you forgive him. In the back of your mind, you know something's wrong... very wrong, but how can you say no to such tightly wound up, deep emotion?

http://www.outlish.com/loving-a-sociopath/

So how do you spot them early on if they are so good and charming? Remember, they are pretending to be someone they are not.  They are pretending their emotions by mimicking and mirroring yours. You can cut to the chase by delving into deep emotional self reflective topics early on. Like date 1 or 2!
Ask him/her to reflect on past relationships.Sociopaths hate to talk about their emotions, because they have none. They aren't incredibly deep thinkers or largely self reflective. They don't have the capacity for it. If your psychopath is in the idealization phase and is pretending to idealize you and he intends to keep you his victim for a period of time, he may attempt to play along and discuss feelings and emotions of prior relationships. If he's already conquered you and he's in the devalue stage, good luck getting him to talk about anything that isn't his agenda. Let's say for arguements sake, he/she's agreed to delve into prior relationships with you. Here are some good questions to start with.

Where did he/she go wrong? How did he contribute to the relationship not working? 
Did he feel the same in the beginning of the relatioship as he did in the end?
If he says yes, that's a red flag. If he knew from the start the relationship would go nowhere why drag it out and string the poor girl along building her hopes and letting her love grow only to leave her in the end? That act alone shows a man who is not empathetic to the needs of those he claims to care about. He was feeding his own need by keeping her around until she was no longer useful, then discard. Classic psychopathic behavior.
Did he lead her to believe otherwise?
Did he actually marry her?
If so, how are you to know his intentions with you are sincere?

Does he have a string of prior short term, or toxic relationships? If so, red flag.

How does he talk about prior relationship's? Does he show much emotion? Does he conjure up plenty of "ummm's"  If so, another red flag. Psychopaths have difficulty talking about or recalling emotions for several reasons. First they don't have any. If they do have some, they are limited and shallow. Second, their memories aren't based on emotion like ours are. Their memories are based on strategic goals, and neutral win/fail occurrences. Psychopaths operate purely on a cause and effect basis. Every action they take, every word they say is for a specific purpose designed to create an effect of some kind. Most often the effect of creating an illusion to you of who they are. If you are in the devalue stage, you are already sure you're dealing with someone who clearly is "off" in some way. A psychopaths entire existence at that point is cruelty and pain dished out at your expense. They are working on getting you to eventually leave them because of the cruelty they inflict. By your leaving them they are completely absolved of any responsibility for the break-up. At least as far as they see it.
Is your man/women a blame gamer? Does he/she have to assign blame to someone for something that went wrong. If so, who is to blame? Why assign blame?

If you're lucky enough to get "references" from prior relationships. Talk with them. Ask them about their experiences in the relationship. Would they set that person up with their best friend? Why? Why not? After all who better to know what this person is like the another who was in your shoes at some point and time.  Granted you may not know these people well either. You may not trust their integrity. But, if you talk to more than one and you get similar stories. That's a red flag that is waving high, loud, and long!

You can also bring up topics of politics, religions, introspection, these are all difficult topics for the psychopath to relate to. Depending on what phase relationship is in, he'll either humor you (idealize phase) yet if you probe for deeper thinking you'll see him/her become flustered. If you're in the devalue phase you'll get resistance to even discuss the topics. Most likely you be verbally abused for how inept you are in these areas therefor not worth your psychopaths time to even attempt discussing such matters.

Lets Talk About Sex

Our sexuality and sexual habits are an extension and expression of our psychological make up as well as our personality. It is also a good barometer for measuring the likelihood of your significant other being, or not being a psychopath.

Just as all people are unique and different, so are psychopaths. Yes, they all have very common traits that set them apart from the rest of society. But, they also have traits and characteristics expressed w/in a realm of various categories of psychopathy. As in many attached labels to any group of people there will also be crossovers. One person isn't 100% narcissistic, or 100% paranoid. Rather degrees of these attributes are present in varying levels w/in an individual.

"Inevitably, the sexuality of patients with personality disorders is thwarted and stunted. In the Paranoid Personality Disorder, sex is depersonalized and the sexual partner is dehumanized. The paranoid is besieged by persecutory delusions and equates intimacy with life-threatening vulnerability, a "breach in the defenses" as it were. the paranoid uses sex to reassure himself that he is still in control and to quell is anxiety" Read more at Suite101: Sexual Behavior: Sex and Personality Disorders | Suite101.com http://sam-vaknin.suite101.com/sexual-behavior-a8530#ixzz1bij52fVn

This was how my ex viewed sex, as a way to quell his anxiety. Sex with him was very impersonal and he always needed to assert himself as being the one in complete and absolute control.
He always had to be doing, or saying something to alienate me, anger me, or push me away, or completely discard me, only to turn up sometimes minutes later, sometimes hrs, other times days later- wanting sex. This was foreplay to him. He could keep his illusion of having conquered something(someone) and recycle that behavior and person in the same manner again and again. After about the 6th year it would get so bad that he would be incredibly cruel, make being in his presence intolerable, so I'd either insist he leave, (if we were at  my house), or I'd decide to leave if I were at his home. My ex would then phone me w/in 3 minutes to tell me how he missed me, didn't want to be w/out me, doesn't know why those things came out of his mouth, it's all his fault and would I please, please, come back. He'd promise to light candles, get some wine, put on some nice music, literally whateve it was that he knew I wanted from him - he'd then dangle like a carrot to entice me. Of course rarely if ever were these promises followed through.

 "The somatic narcissist uses other people's bodies to masturbate. Sex with him - pyrotechnics and acrobatics aside - is likely to be an impersonal and emotionally alienating and draining experience. The partner is often treated as an object, an extension of the somatic narcissist, a toy, a warm and pulsating vibrator." (http://samvak.tripod.com/journal21.html)

 A warm body next to him is all he required. He couldn't be bothered to touch his partner, kiss his partner, or do anything he was sure his partner wanted.  But, he would certainly insist he was well taken care of in every way. If his partner decided not to comply he'd either lay there and take care of his need himself by masterbating, or he'd force himself on his partner. That was the biggest turn on to him. The more unhappy you were in the sexual experience, the more excited he would become. I'm sure this is another reason why he'd create so much turmoil and drama just prior to wanting sex. He knew you'd either not be interested and he'd have to work extra hard to conquer you, or he would just cut to the chase and take you regardless if you were willing or not.

 "It is a mistake to assume type-constancy. In other words, all narcissists are BOTH cerebral and somatic. In each narcissist, one of the types is dominant. So, the narcissist is either OVERWHELMINGLY cerebral - or DOMINANTLY somatic. But the other type, the recessive (manifested less frequently) type, is there. It is lurking, waiting to erupt."(http://samvak.tripod.com/journal21.html)

True. He would oscillate between two or three extremes. He'd be hyper-sexual, wanting it ALL the time. Other times, he'd be hypo-sexual, not wanting it at all. He'd still want to masturbate of course. Can't ever go w/out that! Other times he'd pretend not to want it, or me - only to turn around seconds later, or minutes, or hours, and demand it.

The one consistency is that his needs, were the only needs that mattered. I could have been a warm pulsating blow up doll and that would have been alright with him. His dream may be a warm life like Stepford Wife. She would have no needs of her own and he could pretend to torture her to his hearts content w/out repercussions. His dream date.

http://sam-vaknin.suite101.com/sexual-behavior-a8530

Crazymaking!!

That is how my life became. Crazy. It happens so subtly, slowly and incrementally that it's happening before you are aware of it or able to stop it. By the time your psycho brings the craziness into your life he has already done his work to create the predator/victim bond that is powerful, even addictive. He's also already conditioned you to thinking everything is your fault w/out him saying that directly.

A peculiar aspect of this psychopath/victim relationship is how we acknowledge their behavior is cruel and intentional. We aren't stupid or unaware to how they are treating us. Even so, we somehow deny the impact, or the severity, or are able to compartmentalize the abuse. As if, our brain splits off the emotional and intellectual parts. Similar to how the psychopath's brain works. Intellectually we know the treatment is wrong. Instinctively we understand "normal" people don't treat one another this way. Conversely, emotionally we dismiss it. We just choose to ignore, suppress and sweep it away. We make excuses or convince our minds that we just aren't seeing the situation through the psycho's eyes.

At some point, however, the evidence of a highly disturbed personality shows through, especially once the psychopath is no longer invested in a given victim and thus no longer makes a significant effort to keep his mask on. Then total denial is no longer possible. The floodgates of reality suddenly burst open and a whole slew of inconsistencies, downright lies, manipulations, criticism and emotional abuse flows through to the surface of our consciousness.

Of course this form of denial, or making of excuses by us for their bad behavior further builds up their narcissistic personality. It also teaches them our current tolerance level to which they continually raise the bar in order to get that frenzied emotionally charged turmoil derived from the pain they are inflicting on us. For each time we accept and allow bad behavior, the bad behavior then escalates.

As time moves on I am used to a bit of abnormality from him. During this phase which is called the "devalue" phase, the psychopath's goal is to break you down and destroy you, so they can then move and discard you. Before you know it, your psychopath has downgraded you to nothing and you never saw it coming. Wipe their hands. Pat themselves on the back. Job well done, they say to themselves. Now onto the next! 

This brings me to the "discard" phase. When a psychopath leads you to the discard phase it means he/she has gotten bored with the dance they've created. You've guessed all their moves and are just sort of limply cruising along in your lifeless tired shell of your former self. The challenge has diminished. Discard. But, keep this one in the Rolodex file. That way when they need to a good boost they get the challenge of coming back into your life and working their way into your heart again. Oh goody, another thrill at our expense.

While I was experiencing the devalue phase I became clearly aware of his tactics. Unfortunately by then that symbiotic relationship has been developed. I had accepted the victim and he was the dominate. My sense of reality and what was "OK" had been altered. I had become accustomed to the roller coaster, the to adrenaline rushed days spent working on ways to deescalate him, while he was finding new ways to wind me up. Daily he would intentionally go where he knew it would cause maximum emotional pain. I saw him literally working his mind to come up with what he thought would hurt me the most. I hate that even in those moments I think to myself “oh you poor soul you are so demented, cruel and miserable. What a broken man you are. I feel such sadness for your pain & misery.” What I SHOULD be thinking is how dare you hurt me and be so intentionally and incredibly hurtful. Then turn my thoughts to protecting myself and thinking about ME and my pain instead of his. Unfortunately when this is happening it's already been my conditioning with all the years with him to always put his needs above my own. More so to NOT have any needs of my own because I am inconsequential. The world is about his world alone. At least that is how I begin feeling most times while I was w/him. The mind is a curious complex but oh so simple place isn’t it? In healing I need to continually retreat my thoughts back to where they need to be. On myself, not him.
The mind just can't comprehend another person is as evil as that. I want to grant him sympathy, empathy for him being internally tortured. He wants to continue torturing me for his life's blood.

I was reading this morning on another blog that psychopaths seems to have this powerful sense of knowing what another is thinking. I use to often tell my girlfriends it’s as if he would be reading my mind. Just as I was deciding I’d had enough, thinking I hadn’t let on to this yet, he would turn around and do something seemingly kind. Then when I would decide I could let my guard down and let him in, then he’d do/say something awful.

I also figured out early on that whatever it is I really wanted was the one thing he absolutely wouldn’t want and visa versa. This made me try to out smart him a lot of the time and pretend I didn’t like something I did and visa versa. I hated this because I felt like I was then becoming like him. I started to become the person he was always accusing me of being (which I wasn’t previously), angry, bitter, and spiteful right back to him. I hated that!!! At the time it felt like survival. Simultaneously I was angry w/myself for choosing to “survive” w/him rather then get rid of him. I could never understand how he could tolerate living in his own mind because it was torturing me living in that roller coaster chaotic world. Misery just became a way of life w/him. Well, now I know how he lived in his world w/out going insane himself – he was feeding on my misery and thriving, while I was dying.

However, even then it’s difficult to absorb such painful information all at once. Our heart still yearns for what we have been persuaded, during the luring phase, was our one true love. Our minds are still filled with memories of the so-called good times with the psychopath. Yet, the truth about the infidelities, the constant deception, the manipulation and the backstabbing can no longer be denied. We can’t undo everything we learned about the psychopath; we cannot return to the point of original innocence, of total blindness. The result is a contradictory experience: a kind of internal battle between clinging to denial and accepting the truth.

For the full article click here:

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/07/29/a-painful-incredulity-psychopathy-and-cognitive-dissonance/