Looks Like a Disorder, Sounds Like a Disorder, Acts Like a Disorder

When I was first considering the possibility the my ex was a psychopath/sociopath I often would doubt myself and question myself. I would think "Naaaaaa.......he isn't a psychopath. He really does have great capacity and feelings of love toward me and others. He is just an emotionally broken man who has been emotionally crippled by his upbringing." I'd often reflect on conversations we've had. The ways I've seen him with his children. The things he'd SAY to me and the way I felt he tried to keep from hurting me. Surely these things aren't that of a psychopath. Are they?

I write "SAY" all in caps because he would say a lot of things. Make a lot of promises. None of which ever came to fruition, or were fulfilled in any way. Nor do I believe he ever had any intention of fulfilling them. They were words as bait to keep me hooked as long as he could manage. Actions speak much louder than words my friend.


For a long while, I believed that despite his best efforts not to, he did hurt me; Unintentionally I would tell myself.   I assume that because of how emotionally damaged he was, he just couldn't help but to hurt me. I believed he was so lost in trying to save himself, that I was an innocent victim as much as he was to his own pain and suffering. It is this thinking that allowed me to justify the mean, hurtful behavior he so often exhibited. It is this thinking that kept me and us, in that cycle of "I must save and protect him," "Someone must save and protect me," codependence. He needed saving, I needed someone to save. We were a perfect match. A match that ignited fire leaving charcoal, and ashes in its wake. Not a beautiful perfect match. But a perfect match for disaster, pain and suffering on my side. A perfect match for thrills, drama and what is known as "victim supply" for him.

Victim supply is a term used to describe the manner in which disordered personalities feed off of their victim. They need to have something, someone to fill the emtpy void that is w/in them. Because the soul, the heart, the mind of a human animal require love, bonding, joy, empathy and conscience to care for one another in order to survive, the disordered personality needs to, in essence, drain their victim dry of those very traits. The disordered person is unable to fill his/her own soul, heart and mind with these very real human traits that are at the core of the"human condition." Therefor the disordered personality will seek out a victim to drain and feed off to meet these human needs - much like a leech feeds from it's host. We who experience them take for granted these very real aspects of the human animal as being inherint to the human spirit. We don't ever entertain the thought that perhapas this other person is operating from a seperate realm of consciesness than we are. It isn't a natural thought process to make the assumtion that a person in our life has no conscience, no capacity to empathize with us, or bond with us the way we are bonded with them. As I type those words it is still a difficult concept to wrap my brain around. In my world, when you hurt I hurt. I simply don't have the capacity NOT to care.

Think how empty your life would be without the capacity to bond with other human beings. How empty one must feel w/out the ability to feel empathy, or compassion for other humans.  It is my belief that the great void that is within the vessel of this human body, mind and spirit unable to fully experience itself, is what creates the tremendous desperation w/in a disordered person. Disordered human beings are intensely empty and lonely. They are grasping for you (victim supply) to provide what they are so lacking. The inability to provide it for themselves is the driving force propelling the victimization of you. I equate it to a drowning victim that will take down his/her rescuer in an attempt to save his/her own self. Unfortunately, they both end up sinking to the bottom. Much like what happens within a relationship with a disordered person.

I no longer question if I am right or wrong in my labeling my ex a psychopath, or sociopath. I no longer question it because it doesn't matter what the label is. It doesn't matter what title I assign to him. What does matter is the actions and behavior meant to drain me of all decent emotions. The immense void w/in this disordered person was like an engine revving at full speed blasting through my life trying to take from me all that is human. I now fully understand his great fear of being alone. The intense loneliness he feels is because w/out the supply of a victim to drain there is a dry empty capsule. I now completely understand his desperation to find the "special love." that shall fill his empty cup. Unfortunately, his cup has no bottom. He'll keep seeking and draining victims of all they have to give. Yet his cup will forever be empty.

Not only that, but no one person can fill another persons cup if you have no cup to fill. A person who is full within themselves, who has molded for themselves a unique, special holding place for all life has to offer, good or bad, is a person who has a cup that will be filled again and again. In order to empty this cup for the next filling, this type of person will pour whatever they have into another's cup. This giving and transferring of resources is what connects all of us human beings and feeds our souls. I am not saying we need to look outside ourselves for fulfillment. I do not believe we should look to others for what sustains us. I do believe that we (all humans) are in a constant balance of filling ones cup and/or draining ones cup. It takes both filling and emptying for the cycle of relationships to continue. I help you by providing what you need when you run low, and you in turn either use that same resource when I'm feeling low or, transfer it to another holding their cup out in need of a bit of sustenance. The disordered person has no such ability to return the favor, nor pass it along.

Therefor I come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what label you assign to the person in your life that is draining you w/out offering to replenish you when you run dry. It doesn't matter if this person has an empty cup w/nothing to give. It doesn't matter if this person has a whole in the bottom of his/her cup because of previous trauma. It doesn't matter if he/she has a cup 1/2 full but is too stingy to share. What matters is if this person is willing and able to take part in the balance of giving, sharing and receiving. It takes both the giving and receiving to create a harmonious relationship. Harmony w/one another is the greatest gift of all that we can offer one another. So, if you are in doubt whether the disordered person in your life has meant to hurt you, hurt you to release his/her own pain, or hurt you because he/she is trying to drain your blood in order to fill his/her void, none of that matters.  What matters is if you are being honored, valued and loved. If the answer is no. Move on. You will find love at the other end of your journey. But, only if you are willing to get off of the trail that leads to nowhere.

Looks like a, sounds like a, acts like a disorder. It most likely is. If it isn't, does it even matter?  The important thing is to get away from whatever is looking, sounding, or acting like a drain on your most treasured resource. The resource of your human spirit. Care for it well and it'll return the favor. Deplete it and it'll return the favor. Live well!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbRHIfS_l-w

Duplicity

A cool crisp autumn afternoon and I'm lounging around the house recovering from a severe cough that has left me too weak to do much else. Doing some channel surfing I come across a movie with Clive Owen and Julie Roberts called Duplicity. While watching it I am reminded of how duplicitous a psychopath is. How duplicitous anything a psychopath says is. As well as how duplicitous a relationship with a psychopath is.

The dictionary definition of duplicity is:

"1.contradictory doubleness of thought, speech, or action; especially: the belying of one's true intentions by deceptive words or action

2: the quality or state of being double or twofold

3: the technically incorrect use of two or more distinct items (as claims, charges, or defenses) in a single legal action"

The first definition "contradictory doubleness of thought, speech or action." This would be the very definition of a psychopath. In the beginning of the relationship when they are in the idealization phase the person they present to you is nothing like the person they truly are. Additionally, the intent of their relationship with you has little if anything to do with the intention they are actualizing before your eyes. If the psychopath is intending a romantic interlude with you, or even a romantic relationship with you their actions, words, speech and thinking is rampant with duplicities. They may present themselves as being smitten with you and wanting to be your everything. If you are a single parent, they'll be the man/woman who loves children and is happy to be there for you to help with watching the children, help with cooking meals, doing homework, or playing catch with the children. At night he/she may be ready to draw you a bubble bath, bring you a glass of wine, pamper and care for you. While in actuality they really couldn't care less about your fatigue, or stress, or feelings of being overwhelmed. In fact they are probably rejoicing in your suffering because it is making the door for them to enter into your life so incredibly easy to walk through. Any gesture, action, or words you hear them speak that appear caring or thoughtful and duplicitous. The only care or thought a psychopath feels is for him/herself. If your psychopath has ever seemed thoughtful, or generous, take a good look at what may have motivated the seemed generosity. For generosity and the psychopath are duplicitous terms. The psychopath is generous to thine own self alone. When I reflect back on some seemingly generous or selfless acts or words my psychopath told me, or did for me I can always trace back a motive. Even if the only motive was to keep me in his life for the next time he needed me for a victim. Had he completely burned our bridges and severed the relationship to a place that would be irreparable he wouldn't have a sure thing lined up in terms of future victim supply. Apparently even the simplest of generosity or thoughtfulness is rampant with duplicity. The entire relationship is wrapped and woven very tightly in a mask of duplicity. The loving relationship I thought I was a part of, the connection I felt with this person and all the moments of intense emotion and passion we shared was duplicitous. I and I alone was experiencing them. What he was experiencing was a series of accomplishments, victories and defeats that were and remain completely about himself. There was never an "us", there never is an "us" with a psychopath.  There's a me against you. There is "I will conquer and destroy you, I will win, I will come out on top, I will have control and power over you." I, I, I, I, I. This is the relationship with a psychopath. There is no "us" in "us". There is "I", victory and defeat for I and I alone in "us" for the psychopath. Very duplicitous. 

The psychopath has been in the practice of living a duplicitous existence since their very first recollection of "self."  As soon as the psychopath is aware of themselves in relationship to a world outside of themselves they are aware of the difference between them and "I." In order to simulate with "them" and fit in with "them" the psychopath has to appear like "them" i.e. us. Hence the beginning of duplicity. They watch, mimic, pretend, learn how to be like the rest of us. Much like the big back wolf learns how to be Grandma in Little Red Riding Hood. Appearing like Grandma is what will get him the meal he so desires. The Big Bad Wolf may be one of the first introductions we as children have of a psychopath. He is extremely duplicitous. He pretends to be Little Red Riding Hoods friend. He pretends to want to help her deliver her basket to Grandma's house. But his real intention isn't to help Little Red Riding Hood at all. His intention is to help himself to whatever it is he wants. 

Another red flag was the self deprecation. A saw this as insecurity and vulnerability. In actuality this too was duplicitous. The focus on his flaws turned out to be more narcissism. It was another way to have his ego fed. When he would ask me if I found him attractive, he'd get to hear exactly what he'd been craving. "Of course you're handsome."  He'd ask me what I liked best about him. What I would rate him on a scale of 1 - 10. He would ask these almost daily for nearly all the 7 1/2 yrs we were together. Duplicity in action. Feigning insecurity when his ego just needed a constant supply of feeding. He never did return the gesture to tell me I was beautiful of course.

When allowing someone to enter into my life I intend to err on the side of duplicity. Not that I'm going to be paranoid and assume everyone is out to victimize me. But, I do intend to make the assumption whenever in question, to error on the side of duplicity until otherwise is proven instead of the other way around. This may mean a person who would have gotten a second chance from me in the past will not in the future. To some this may appear harsh. But when I give it more thought it is not. I have never hurt another person intentionally. I've never done something so thoughtless that it was in complete and total disregard of another's feelings to the degree that it directly hurt them deeply. I've been thoughtless and careless, of course I'm human. I've made attempts to change my behavior and been sincerely sorry when I've hurt someone. But, I never expect them to roll out the red carpet and welcome me back to do it again. I understand I am guilty until I prove myself otherwise. I think if we entered our romantic relationships this way we would avoid, or at least be as safe as we can be from duplicitious people.


Sarah McGlaughlin's Building A Mystery. All about the duplicity in a relationship.
http://youtu.be/Od587LPzOJ4

The Unexamined Woman

Some traits that women who love psychopaths share:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31LDNcbQywk&feature=related

Dr. Vaknin writes... “It is possible to have a relatively smooth relationship with a narcissist, and it's possible to maintain it for a long time. The first requirement for this, though, is distance: this simply cannot be done with a narcissist you live with. Given distance, or only transient and intermittent contact, you can get along with narcissists by treating them as infants: you give them whatever they want or need whenever they ask and do not expect any reciprocation at all, do not expect them to show the slightest interest in you or your life (or even in why you're bothering with them at all), do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings, do not expect them to take ordinary responsibility in any way. But note: they are not infants; infants develop and mature and require this kind of care for only a brief period, after which they are on the road to autonomy and looking after themselves, whereas narcissists never outgrow their demands for dedicated attention to their infantile needs 168 hours a week. Adult narcissists can be as demanding of your time and energy as little babies but without the gratification of their growing or learning anything from what they suck from you. Babies love you back, but adult narcissists are like vampires: they will take all you can give while giving nothing back, then curse you for running dry and discard you as a waste of their precious time. “It is also essential that you keep emotional distance from narcissists.” Ten Do's and Five Don't Dos if you INSIST on Staying with Him Narcissistic Personality Disorder Tips – by Sam Vaknin, PhDhttp://samvak.tripod.com/npdtips.html

The preceding quote couldn't be more accurate. I often would equate my psychopaths personality to that of a child. As his own son became about the age of 12 I recall how evident it was that his son was more mature than he was. Even when his son was only 7, I can recall moments of thinking they acted exactly alike and had the same way of responding and reacting to things. I'd often hear from both of them, "I didn't do anything!", or, "you're saying that for no good reason!" as they'd stomp off in a huff. The 7 year old would say that if he were redirected and the "man" would say that if he noticed I was getting frustrated. But, even when I wasn't. Sometimes the "man" would just start saying that and I'd be left wondering what give him the impression I was upset about something? Apparently he'd done something that he hoped would provoke me and was then beginning to build his case about how wrong I was to feel provoked. I heard this mostly in the very beginning of our relationship. I believe this is because he was figuring out what my buttons were. He must have been incredibly frustrated when he was all prepared for the thrill of seeing me hurt and upset, yet I didn't realize I was supposed to be. My ex psycho was then forced to resort to even meaner tactics to get the result he was looking for, making him appear even more infantile and self-centered.

Dr Samvak is himself a narcissist (a form of psychopath), so he knows them more intimately than you, or I will ever have the displeasure of knowing. His assertion that they will take everything from you, and return nothing in kind, is absolutely accurate. Psychopaths have only one concern, that is that their every need and whim be met instantaneously and w/out question. They expect you to have no needs of your own. If you do happen to have a need for something like, oh I don't know, maybe some consideration for your feelings at the very least, you'll be highly disappointed. In fact quite the contrary. The one thing the narcissist will do that a baby doesn't do, is intentionally hurt you as often and as deeply as possible for "no good reason."

In the book The Unexamined Victim, Women Who Love Psychopaths, the author explains what a psychopath is looking for in a victim. They psychopath doesn't start off the relationship acting as the above quote from Dr.Samvak describes. If they did I doubt they'd ensnare as many victims as they do. Perhaps an occasional victim with low self esteem and little self worth who doesn't feel that he/she is very important themselves. But, that sort of victim is little thrill for the psychopath. They prefer victims who have a good amount of self worth and esteem. It's much more fun watching them crumble at the masters hand, then to watch an already defeated victim remain defeated.

The relationship of a psychopath has a pattern to it. There is the initial "wooing" stage which is something called the "luring" stage, or the "idealization phase." This is when he/she puts on the show of their lives for you.  They read you like a scrip from a theatrical film and you are the character they'll be playing. They're studying you to see what your likes/dislikes are. They are ascertaining what it is you're looking for, needing, or lacking in your life. They'll then begin the process of putting on their academy award winning performance of becoming the very man/woman of your dreams. "All the better to ensnare you with my pretty." I can imagine them eerily saying to themselves as they begin their ascend into your life. If you are someone who enjoys dancing, and the night life. Well, that is what they'll become. Someone who loves to go out to the clubs and dance those little twinkle toes off.

So, you see in the beginning it can be difficult to recognize a psychopath and a person has to be vigilant in noticing the signs early on to avoid a vicious snare waiting along the path. I love Dr. Phil's quote, "the best predictor for future behavior is past behavior." If he/she has a string of broken relationships in his/her past. Chances are, you'll be another in  a long line of victims the perpetrator has left in their wake.

So, what does the perpetrator look for in a victim? How can you protect yourself from being a tempting target? In the book The Unexamined Victim - Women Who Love Psychopaths, the author studied common traits and characteristics of victims specifically of psychopathic lovers. It turns out we are a breed of our own w/some distinct features not found in victims of other crimes such as rape, domestic violence, assault and so on. I'll cover the information from the book in the coming days. For at the moment it is 3:49am and I need to be up for work in a few hrs. Time to get some shut eye before the morning light.

http://www.sott.net/articles/show/228663-The-Unexamined-Victim-Women-Who-Love-Psychopaths

Why Do We Stay For All That Abuse?

"For sociopaths, control is like a drug; it's what drives them; it's like cocaine to their system. They need a victim. They need to have someone to control. So they create that victim through charm. Just knowing that they can always get back this person, even when they heap hurt upon hurt on them somehow boosts whatever's missing for them, whether it's a self-esteem issue or not. They thrive on having their behaviour go unpunished." http://www.outlish.com/loving-a-sociopath/

For a sociopath/psychopath the need to have a victim to control is insatiable. They are master con artist. They appear to be the "boy next door", the suave business man, the romantic artist, they put on a show to become the person they know you're longing for. How do they know who you're longing for? Some say psychopaths have a 6th sense.Ted Bunday for example said he could spot a victim in 6 seconds by the tilt of her head when she walked. I don't think a psychopath has to be a violent killer to master this technique. They all have it.  Amazingly how they are emotionally immature and shallow, yet they can read our deepest desire and thoughts like Kreskin. They've been doing it since birth. By the time a psychopath reaches adulthood he/she has a a lot of practice pretending to be something he/she is not. It's a matter of survival for them. A fresh live victim is their life's blood. Therefor it's primeval and instinctual to read you like a book and become what it is you want. Be vigilant in reading the subtle signs in the beginning. Some things simply can't be pretended away. If you know what to look for. I'll tell you what a few of those things are later in this post.


Mine would use sympathy. He would pretend to be so sad and lonely w/out me. He would flatter me and hold both my hands all night long while we slept. He'd tell me he doesn't hold other woman at all. He doesn't like to cuddle, except with me of course. I'm the exception because I'm special. At the same time he would rarely kiss me and tell me it's because he didn't love me enough. Kissing was just too special and saved for the woman he would marry. I would get incredible mixed msgs. In one breath, "I love you." The next breath I'd get, "I can't kiss you."  Then the next breath "I only hold you this way. You are different than every other girl I've been with. There is something special about you." followed by "you're not special enough to marry, though I do love you."  Can you see how confused a person can be?

Perhaps his best ploy though was to play on my empathy, which is the very reason he chose me in the first place. The more empathetic, moral and virtuous the woman, the more intense the challenge to conquer her and destroy her. She'll fall harder than someone whose already low.

Hope is eternal. Let's face it, we all want love. We all want that special person to spend the rest of our lives with.  The psychopath is aware of this. The person he/she pretended to be, the illusion he/she created is what becomes that person you're longing for. So, when the bait and switch happens and you realize this person next to you is not who you initially began dating, you fool yourself with your own memories. You see this person through those eyes of the intitial courtship. You are sure at some point that person will return. He/ she won't. He/she never existed in the first place.

The sympathy and build me up ploy. I was asked several times each day, what do you like about me? Do you like my eyes? Do you like  my lips? What's your favorite thing about me? What would you rate me on a scale of 1 - 10? I at first thought this was insecurity talking. In hindsight I see this was his way of feeding his ego. Tell me, tell me, tell me all the things that are wonderful about me!!

He spent a great deal of time telling me how he lacked confidence as well. How he didn't think he was attractive enough, smart enough, or charming enough to lure women. Of course I would always reply with compliments. Ego "Feed me, feed me feed me!!! Yet that is exactly what he did, continually. Lure women.

No woman likes to see her man cry. Now if you accuse your man of horning you or behaving inappropriately, and he doesn't want you to leave, he does several things, the top one being... cry. Now if he starts to boohoo like a big baby, with snatty nose and the whole works, you're more likely to dismiss his show. But when a man puts down a Denzel Washington tear a la John Q, something in your heart breaks, and you forgive him. In the back of your mind, you know something's wrong... very wrong, but how can you say no to such tightly wound up, deep emotion?

http://www.outlish.com/loving-a-sociopath/

So how do you spot them early on if they are so good and charming? Remember, they are pretending to be someone they are not.  They are pretending their emotions by mimicking and mirroring yours. You can cut to the chase by delving into deep emotional self reflective topics early on. Like date 1 or 2!
Ask him/her to reflect on past relationships.Sociopaths hate to talk about their emotions, because they have none. They aren't incredibly deep thinkers or largely self reflective. They don't have the capacity for it. If your psychopath is in the idealization phase and is pretending to idealize you and he intends to keep you his victim for a period of time, he may attempt to play along and discuss feelings and emotions of prior relationships. If he's already conquered you and he's in the devalue stage, good luck getting him to talk about anything that isn't his agenda. Let's say for arguements sake, he/she's agreed to delve into prior relationships with you. Here are some good questions to start with.

Where did he/she go wrong? How did he contribute to the relationship not working? 
Did he feel the same in the beginning of the relatioship as he did in the end?
If he says yes, that's a red flag. If he knew from the start the relationship would go nowhere why drag it out and string the poor girl along building her hopes and letting her love grow only to leave her in the end? That act alone shows a man who is not empathetic to the needs of those he claims to care about. He was feeding his own need by keeping her around until she was no longer useful, then discard. Classic psychopathic behavior.
Did he lead her to believe otherwise?
Did he actually marry her?
If so, how are you to know his intentions with you are sincere?

Does he have a string of prior short term, or toxic relationships? If so, red flag.

How does he talk about prior relationship's? Does he show much emotion? Does he conjure up plenty of "ummm's"  If so, another red flag. Psychopaths have difficulty talking about or recalling emotions for several reasons. First they don't have any. If they do have some, they are limited and shallow. Second, their memories aren't based on emotion like ours are. Their memories are based on strategic goals, and neutral win/fail occurrences. Psychopaths operate purely on a cause and effect basis. Every action they take, every word they say is for a specific purpose designed to create an effect of some kind. Most often the effect of creating an illusion to you of who they are. If you are in the devalue stage, you are already sure you're dealing with someone who clearly is "off" in some way. A psychopaths entire existence at that point is cruelty and pain dished out at your expense. They are working on getting you to eventually leave them because of the cruelty they inflict. By your leaving them they are completely absolved of any responsibility for the break-up. At least as far as they see it.
Is your man/women a blame gamer? Does he/she have to assign blame to someone for something that went wrong. If so, who is to blame? Why assign blame?

If you're lucky enough to get "references" from prior relationships. Talk with them. Ask them about their experiences in the relationship. Would they set that person up with their best friend? Why? Why not? After all who better to know what this person is like the another who was in your shoes at some point and time.  Granted you may not know these people well either. You may not trust their integrity. But, if you talk to more than one and you get similar stories. That's a red flag that is waving high, loud, and long!

You can also bring up topics of politics, religions, introspection, these are all difficult topics for the psychopath to relate to. Depending on what phase relationship is in, he'll either humor you (idealize phase) yet if you probe for deeper thinking you'll see him/her become flustered. If you're in the devalue phase you'll get resistance to even discuss the topics. Most likely you be verbally abused for how inept you are in these areas therefor not worth your psychopaths time to even attempt discussing such matters.

The Bonding Process

I loved this article because it so accurately depicted how my relationship developed w/my psychopath.

The presence of even three of these symptoms indicates a potentially harmful relationship. Anything above this number points to not just probable, but certain harm.

1.    The Loser will Hurt you on Purpose. My psycho did this early on. But, I didn't at first even recognize it as him hurting me. He'd start off by making comments about waitresses or baristas. "Look at her great smile!" He'd say. Then turn to me and say "That doesn't bother you does it?" Something about the way he'd ask it, I thought he was hoping it would bother me. As soon we began dating he'd tell me - he wasn't really attracted to me physically. He'd talk about other women. Not so much as derogatory, but he would just brag how smart this one was, or how attractive that one was, how cute the other one is. Occasionally, repeated the question "That doesn't bother you that I say that does it?"
2. Quick Attachment and Expression.   My psycho did this as well. He wanted to be with me every second of the day. He'd call me numerous times throughout the day. He'd phone me just minutes after we parted. He'd phone me in the morning to wish me a good day. Call me every night to say good night. When we were together he was ultra focused on me and couldn't seem to get enough of me. He had a very high sex drive and wanted me all the time. All the while of course telling me this was unlike the way he behaves typically in relationships.
3. Frightening Temper. This is interesting because he had a quicker temper early on than later. Well, I'll rephrase that. It was quicker and more aggressive in an overt manner early on. He'd yell, pound the table with his fist, throw things. Later he became the calm in the storm, the "good guy." however the only calm thing was his low monotone voice. He would say horrible things to me and berate me for hours, but remain incredibly calm. So, if I got upset during these session of emotional abuse he'd of course tell me I was overreacting.
4. Killing Your Self-Confidence. Yep. He'd often tell me he wasn't attracted to me, yet couldn't keep his hands off of me. He'd talk about other women and his attraction toward them as well as their attraction toward him. Often he'd talk about this trait, or that trait, or this look  or that look in a woman that he really liked and was attracted too. Of course they were all traits and looks that I don't have. The abuse got worse as time went on. But, it started early in his talking about other women and comparing me (indirectly) to them.
5. Cutting Off Your Support. He didn't directly do this. Nothing he did was direct or overt. It was all very subtle yet cunning. He wouldn't tell me I couldn't spend time with friends or family, but he would monopolize my time so I wouldn't have any time to be with them. If I did manage to get away, he'd call me incessantly while I was w/friends or family. Sometimes he would just show up if he knew what my friends and I were doing or where I was.
6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle. This is perhaps the biggest red flag of all where he is concerned. he'd cycle between mean and sweet several times in a 15 minute period at times.
7. It’s Always Your Fault. Everything, always was my fault. He wouldn't directly say that. He'd spend hours talking in circles. He'd start off by "being the good guy" and saying it was his fault. Then he'd start weaving his tale and by the end it had turned around and was now my fault. Everything. It got to the point it didn't matter what I did or said, it was wrong. If I said the sky was blue, he'd say no its grey and call me color blind.
8. Breakup Panic. Yes, if I broke up with him he'd be calling me literally w/in 5 minutes telling me how sad it is and then keep phoning and/or coming to my house or job until I'd give in. But, if the break was his idea, it'd be cold turkey. He'd be gone until he felt he wanted to come back. He certainly wouldn't answer or return my phone calls if he initiated the break. Yet expected me to be available to him any time he'd phone day or night even when we were broken up.
9. No Outside Interests. Zip, zero, nada. He had no interets at all outside of me. He'd pretend to be interested in things like hiking, fly fishing, rafting. Yet rarely if ever partook in this activities. On the rare occasion if he did it seemed more like obligation than interest.
10. Paranoid Control. Yes, like I said he would show up someplace he knew I would be with friends. He'd go looking for me. He'd hang out in my back yard w/out me being aware and talk on the phone for hours. He'd sneak in the back door when I wasn't expecting him over and startle me.
11. Public Embarrassment. He'd diminish my thinking in public and even flirt with other girls.
12. It’s Never Enough. Oh this is a HUGE one. But, we were already so deep into our relationship when he started this we had developed a strong bond. But, it got so bad one Christmas I was afraid to speak. It wouldn't matter what I said it'd be wrong. He would find some way to twist things to cause an argument and make it seem like I was ridiculuos with EVERYTHING I said or did.
13. Entitlement. Yep! What he wanted he got, or took from material things, to sex.
14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Him.  Everyone of them hated him.
15. Bad Stories. He didn't have good things to say about his ex wife for sure.
16. The Waitress Test. This doesn't apply to him so much. He flirts and seduces waitresses. Scratch that, yes this does apply to him. It's all a false sense of emotion.
17. The Reputation. Exactly!! His coworkers and aquintences just saw the facade. The cover. The nice guy. The gentle single dad. However, intimate partners and friends and family members of those partners hated him.
18. Walking on Eggshells. Yep. But again this took over a year before he became so critical I was on eggshells. It may even have been close to 2 yrs.
19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions. Every second with every thought I had. He wouldn't discount my feelings, he just didn't acknowledge them in any way, period. Every thought or idea I had he was sure to discount. Always prefacing with "You're smart, but....."
20. They Make You Crazy. Even for a time I was convinced it was his goal to drive me insane, literally.

3 of these traits are red flags. He had every single of them in varying degress. Yep, red flags popping up all over. The only thing with these red flags is that they become apparent after those bonds are established. Breaking bonds with a psychopath is very difficult.

Here is complete article: 
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/04/01/red-flags-how-to-identify-a-psychopathic-bond/

Crazymaking!!

That is how my life became. Crazy. It happens so subtly, slowly and incrementally that it's happening before you are aware of it or able to stop it. By the time your psycho brings the craziness into your life he has already done his work to create the predator/victim bond that is powerful, even addictive. He's also already conditioned you to thinking everything is your fault w/out him saying that directly.

A peculiar aspect of this psychopath/victim relationship is how we acknowledge their behavior is cruel and intentional. We aren't stupid or unaware to how they are treating us. Even so, we somehow deny the impact, or the severity, or are able to compartmentalize the abuse. As if, our brain splits off the emotional and intellectual parts. Similar to how the psychopath's brain works. Intellectually we know the treatment is wrong. Instinctively we understand "normal" people don't treat one another this way. Conversely, emotionally we dismiss it. We just choose to ignore, suppress and sweep it away. We make excuses or convince our minds that we just aren't seeing the situation through the psycho's eyes.

At some point, however, the evidence of a highly disturbed personality shows through, especially once the psychopath is no longer invested in a given victim and thus no longer makes a significant effort to keep his mask on. Then total denial is no longer possible. The floodgates of reality suddenly burst open and a whole slew of inconsistencies, downright lies, manipulations, criticism and emotional abuse flows through to the surface of our consciousness.

Of course this form of denial, or making of excuses by us for their bad behavior further builds up their narcissistic personality. It also teaches them our current tolerance level to which they continually raise the bar in order to get that frenzied emotionally charged turmoil derived from the pain they are inflicting on us. For each time we accept and allow bad behavior, the bad behavior then escalates.

As time moves on I am used to a bit of abnormality from him. During this phase which is called the "devalue" phase, the psychopath's goal is to break you down and destroy you, so they can then move and discard you. Before you know it, your psychopath has downgraded you to nothing and you never saw it coming. Wipe their hands. Pat themselves on the back. Job well done, they say to themselves. Now onto the next! 

This brings me to the "discard" phase. When a psychopath leads you to the discard phase it means he/she has gotten bored with the dance they've created. You've guessed all their moves and are just sort of limply cruising along in your lifeless tired shell of your former self. The challenge has diminished. Discard. But, keep this one in the Rolodex file. That way when they need to a good boost they get the challenge of coming back into your life and working their way into your heart again. Oh goody, another thrill at our expense.

While I was experiencing the devalue phase I became clearly aware of his tactics. Unfortunately by then that symbiotic relationship has been developed. I had accepted the victim and he was the dominate. My sense of reality and what was "OK" had been altered. I had become accustomed to the roller coaster, the to adrenaline rushed days spent working on ways to deescalate him, while he was finding new ways to wind me up. Daily he would intentionally go where he knew it would cause maximum emotional pain. I saw him literally working his mind to come up with what he thought would hurt me the most. I hate that even in those moments I think to myself “oh you poor soul you are so demented, cruel and miserable. What a broken man you are. I feel such sadness for your pain & misery.” What I SHOULD be thinking is how dare you hurt me and be so intentionally and incredibly hurtful. Then turn my thoughts to protecting myself and thinking about ME and my pain instead of his. Unfortunately when this is happening it's already been my conditioning with all the years with him to always put his needs above my own. More so to NOT have any needs of my own because I am inconsequential. The world is about his world alone. At least that is how I begin feeling most times while I was w/him. The mind is a curious complex but oh so simple place isn’t it? In healing I need to continually retreat my thoughts back to where they need to be. On myself, not him.
The mind just can't comprehend another person is as evil as that. I want to grant him sympathy, empathy for him being internally tortured. He wants to continue torturing me for his life's blood.

I was reading this morning on another blog that psychopaths seems to have this powerful sense of knowing what another is thinking. I use to often tell my girlfriends it’s as if he would be reading my mind. Just as I was deciding I’d had enough, thinking I hadn’t let on to this yet, he would turn around and do something seemingly kind. Then when I would decide I could let my guard down and let him in, then he’d do/say something awful.

I also figured out early on that whatever it is I really wanted was the one thing he absolutely wouldn’t want and visa versa. This made me try to out smart him a lot of the time and pretend I didn’t like something I did and visa versa. I hated this because I felt like I was then becoming like him. I started to become the person he was always accusing me of being (which I wasn’t previously), angry, bitter, and spiteful right back to him. I hated that!!! At the time it felt like survival. Simultaneously I was angry w/myself for choosing to “survive” w/him rather then get rid of him. I could never understand how he could tolerate living in his own mind because it was torturing me living in that roller coaster chaotic world. Misery just became a way of life w/him. Well, now I know how he lived in his world w/out going insane himself – he was feeding on my misery and thriving, while I was dying.

However, even then it’s difficult to absorb such painful information all at once. Our heart still yearns for what we have been persuaded, during the luring phase, was our one true love. Our minds are still filled with memories of the so-called good times with the psychopath. Yet, the truth about the infidelities, the constant deception, the manipulation and the backstabbing can no longer be denied. We can’t undo everything we learned about the psychopath; we cannot return to the point of original innocence, of total blindness. The result is a contradictory experience: a kind of internal battle between clinging to denial and accepting the truth.

For the full article click here:

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/07/29/a-painful-incredulity-psychopathy-and-cognitive-dissonance/