What is Love?

http://youtu.be/v0C6v65Dvzk

Looking back at an old blog post of mine,  came across these words: 

"If there is no joy, then the love isn't true. True love doesn't cause suffering, or make another person cry all the time. Rather true love, brings joy. If you are noticing the person in your life is bringing you more pain than joy, you must ask yourself "is this true love?"  If it isn't than what is it?"  

In order to know what it is, in order to recognize love you have to have experienced love. You must have seen it, felt it, breathed it in and basked in it. How else can you know, or recognize something you've not experienced? I don't believe you can, unless you have some schema for what love truly is. It is my contention that many of us who became involved with, or are currently involved with a disordered person whether that be of the antisocial category or some other form of disfunction, have come from backgrounds where the illustration of love was somehow amiss. I am a teacher. I have learned and firmly believe the best teacher, the most impactful teacher is experience. Nothing else can match, or top it. You can tell me, I can read about it, you can show me a picture, you can use the entire Websters Dictionary to teach me something.  You can use all the bells and whistles and dance steps you can muster.  You can write me a song, play me a song, write me a letter, show me a video, have me listen to a tape, simulate the thing as best can be done. Yet none of it will top my having experienced it first hand myself. If I've had this thing (whatever thing we are referring to) in this case love, if I have experienced it, seen it in action, watched it happening around me and felt it's arms entranced around me, then I am apt to pick it up, understand it, feel it, seek it and expect no less.

This brings me around to my point. Those of us who have accepted, tolerated, remained in and become a part of a loveless relationship, most likely have experienced the LACK of it(love) before. More often than not, that experience came from our childhood, but maybe not. Perhaps it came afterwards. However, I have not a doubt in the world that if I were to research the backgrounds of victims of abusive relationships I would find a high majority came from difficult childhoods. I myself did. I had wonderful loving parents. But, I also had parents trapped in their own sorrow and pain of some kind. Parents who weren't able to model true love for me. In particular, love from my father. My father was not a loving, kind, or thoughtful husband. He could be quite cruel and unfeeling as a husband to my mother. I saw him having multiple affairs during his marriage to my mother. I witnessed him verbally abuse her on a regular basis. I witnessed her accepting that behavior and shriveling under it's pressure during my childhood. The lack of love was so evident in my household that on the rare occasions that my parents did express love, or affection towards one another, it made me uncomfortable.

Given this example and modeling of behavior I experienced growing up it, isn't any wonder how, or why I became involved in a relationship with a psychopath and accepted virtually w/out question his abhorable behavior towards me. I didn't know any different. This was the sample of love set before me at a very young age. So, how do we know what love even is? What does it look like? Let me tell you. 

A few years ago(when I was heavily involved in the relationship with my ex psychopath) a good friend of mine purchased a book for me titled True Love by Thich Nhat Hanh. It is based on Buddhist teachings and illustrates quite effectively what love is. In the very beginning of our break up this book helped me immensely and encouraged me to accept no less than true love. It helped me understand what love truly is and what love truly is not.

It was one of the first steps, of many more steps to come, that helped nudge me along my journey to recovery.  If you are in a relationship with a disordered personality, or currently recovering from one than get into the frame of mind  that healing will take many many steps, each one beginning with putting one foot in front of the other and choosing to keep walking in a different direction no matter how painful, tiresome, or difficult. You have no idea what glorious pastures lay ahead for you when you do.

So, what is love then? True Love depicts love as having a combination of elements which are as follows:

First of all, love isn't cruelty. Love isn't suffering. Love isn't unfeeling. According to True Love, love is loving kindness in action. In order for a person to love, this person must have the desire and ability to act "loving" and kind toward you. Loving kindness in action would not consist of a push me, pull me attitude which is what my ex exhibited. He loved me, didn't want me. Loved me, didn't want me. Loved me, didnt' want me and so on. He appeared to be almost exhilarated by my turmoil and pain.

The second element of True Love is compassion. again, Hanh defines this as not only the desire to be compassionate, but the ability to be compassionate. As in the form of a verb, action, not just in thought or desire. My ex would often say things like, "Well, I was going to buy you flowers but...." Typically the "but" was because I had done something wrong he was discouraged from caring out this thoughtful act, or deed. Compassion is the desire AND ability to EASE another's pain and suffering. This is very important. Stop and meditate on this thought for a moment. True love doesn't just DESIRE to ease your pain, it WILL ease your pain. It will NOT CAUSE you pain. It will NOT cause you pain. Let me say that once more. It will NOT cause you pain. Intentionally, or otherwise. True love which includes compassionately understanding your suffering and will do what it needs to do to ease your suffering. It will not bring it to you served on a metal hubcap disguised as a silver platter. 

Joy is the third element of love. If your life is w/out joy and this person is doing nothing to bring you joy, then it isn't love. True love not only wants to bring you joy, but according to Hanh it has the ability to bring you joy. To me this translates to w/out question joy will be a part of your life when you are experiencing true love. My ex would often dangle his ability to bring me joy like a carrot before me. Always promising to do this or that, or saying he intended to do this or that, but something had gotten in his way of carrying it through. These empty promises worked by keeping me hanging on for that one would he would actually follow through. Of course that day never came. Hard as it is to see, this person in your life whom you felt loved you, but just doesn't quite know how it show it,  does not love you. In fact this person neither has the desire to, nor ABILITY to bring you joy. Whereas, true love offers joy. True love rejoices in joy!

The fourth element of true love is freedom. In true love you attain freedom. You must love in such a way that the person feels freedom in your love. Although I think freedom comes from within oneself. I don't know that freedom can completely come from another person if you don't already feel freedom within yourself. Even so, if the relationship you are in, or were in brought you feelings of entrapment believing there was no way out, almost as if your feet were frozen, than it isn't/wasn't love. A person who loves you rejoices in your freedom, not in your imprisonment. 

All of this leads me to the question I frequently get asked, "Can a psychopath truly love?" My answer is no. No they can not. Not in the sense I've just described. As I said in the beginning, one must experience a "thing" to know a "thing", in this case love. Psychopaths are unable to bond on an intrinsic level the way a typical fully feeling individual can. They have never experienced loving kindness. For, if it had been offered them, they never felt it, or sensed it in the first place. A person must be able to feel loving kindness to recognize. A psychopath is not able to feel on that level. Their feelings are shallow and limited. They are not able to feel joy, or compassion either. A person must have had experienced compassion in order to offer it. A disordered person can't experience compassion. If you've offered it and they've taken it, they had no idea WHAT they were taking. Hence they can so easily destroy it, take it for granted and throw it away.

If a psychopath can truly love, then they would be able to offer joy. Joy works the same. I can experience joy on a deep level. A pathological personality can not.  They haven't witnessed it, nor experienced it. If they saw joy, they were not able to recognize what it was, it was never intrinsically a part of their fiber the way we know it. This brings me to freedom.

Is a psychopath free? My answer is a resound NO! I think they are the most imprisoned of all. They are in a world that joy, compassion, and loving-kindness can not enter. They see it all around them. But they do not know it, or feel it. Therefor they can not offer it. They can pretend to offer it because they know it's what we want and need. But, when the reality of what those attributes mean, they'll fall short in meeting them. They are in a perpetual search on an unending journey to emptiness. That does not sound free to me in the least. An imprisoned person can not offer me freedom.

My ex would often express to me his confusion over what love "should" feel like. He'd ask me how would a person know when they have it? How do they know when they are feeling it? As a matter of fact, the song at the start of this is one of his favorite songs. "I Want to Know What Love is." When we would argue over his inability to love me the way I understood love to be, he would always say "somethings missing.  I don't know maybe it's missing in me." His search to find true love is unattainable. My search on the other hand is very valid and very attainable.

If there is any question in your mind about the person you are currently with or were with having intended to hurt you, or "accidentely" hurt you look back for these elements of love. Does/did this person treat you with loving kindness? Did/does he/she put your needs above his/her own? Does/did this person bring you joy, laughter, freedom and compassion? If the answer is NO, then quit worrying whether or not this person is or isn't a psychopath, or personality disordered in one way or another. It doesn't matter what this person is, or isn't. What matters is that this person have the desire AND ability to actively love you. Actively loving will always be compassionate. It will always have the ability to bring you joy, kindness and freedom. Take a look at your own way of loving. Do you love YOURSELF in this true sense of love? Are you acting kindly toward yourself? Are you honoring the person that you are by bringing people into your life that bring you joy? Are you keeping those around you who allow you to be free? If the answer is no to these questions, it may be time to make some changes and become free to feel what love truly is. For noone person can bring you true love until you are experiencing it w/in yourself and loving yourself in desire and action. I believe once you are able to do this, leaving the psychopath and recovering from the psychopath will be a much more successful venture. It'll be expidited and more successful when you are truly loved by the one person that knows you best. Yourself.

Sympathy and the Sociopath/Psychopath

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6F_A1Sr5584

Stranger than your Sympathy this is apology
I'm killing myself from the inside
Now my fears have pushed you out.

I wished for things that I don't need
All I wanted
What I chase won't set me free
All I wanted

Yea I get scared but I'm not crawlin' on my knees
Oh yea, everythings all wrong
Oh yea, everythings all wrong
Who the hell did I think I was

Stranger than your Sympathy
I say these things so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
Now my heads been filled with doubt

It's hard to lead the life you choose
All I wanted
When all your lucks run out on you
All I wanted
You can't see when all your dreams are comin' true

Oh yea, it's easy to forget
Oh yea, 'til you choke on the regrets
Yea, where the hell did I think I was

Stranger than your Sympathy
Is all this time you stole from
Now nowhere's home
and I'm all wrong

I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe that I was
I wouldn't be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted

All the talk and all the lies were all the empty things disguised as me.

Oh yea, stranger than your Sympathy
Stranger than your sympathy
Mmmmm...mm.mmmmmm....


Psychopaths and sociopaths prey on SYMPATHY! It's your sympathy that they appeal mostly too.
This was certainly true of my psychopath. 


The most reliable sign. The most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is perversely an appeal to our sympathy. (pg 107 Martha Stout, ph.d The Sociopath Next Door)

Anytime my psychopath felt my affection waining or felt as if he might be losing his "narcissistic supply" he would begin his pity party. Telling me how lonely he is. How much he needs me. How much he misses me. How he just can not make it through another day alone. He went so far as to call me incessantly for months talking to me for hours about how he's wanting to commit suicide. I, as any feeling person would, would then invite him over and agree to spend time with him poor helpless soul.  He repaid me by lying, cheating and messing with my head some more.

Beware of those sympathy seekers. The seekers rarely are the givers of such generosity.

From Psychiatry Times:

Targeting the Vulnerable

Psychopaths are good at spotting exploitable vulnerabilities in others. Many psychopathic scam artists seek lonely individuals and promise them a lifetime of love and partnership. Others target the grief-stricken or those who have suffered a recent setback or breakup and are therefore less apt to look closely at what appears to be a compassionate helping hand. Alternatively, psychopaths may exploit someone’s need to be needed, finding a motherly or fatherly soul that they can milk for sympathy and cash. They are also inclined to marry people with low self-esteem and convince them that they are somehow to blame for any abuse they suffer in the marriage.

The Sympathy Ploy

Psychopaths usually play on the sympathies of others. When people’s empathic responses are aroused, they are less inclined to scrutinize an individual’s behaviour, or they will attribute bad behaviour to an abusive childhood or other trauma. This provokes the sort of nurturing response that enables the psychopath to manipulate and extract what he wants from others. In extreme cases, sympathy and deception are combined as a deadly lure. Serial killer Ted Bundy wore a cast and used crutches to make himself appear harmless and vulnerable to his victims.

Read more at Suite101: How Psychopaths Exploit Others: Modes of Sociopathic Deception and Manipulation | Suite101.com http://jennifercopley.suite101.com/how-psychopaths-exploit-others-a62418#ixzz1cRw8XqyG

The Unexamined Woman

Some traits that women who love psychopaths share:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31LDNcbQywk&feature=related

Dr. Vaknin writes... “It is possible to have a relatively smooth relationship with a narcissist, and it's possible to maintain it for a long time. The first requirement for this, though, is distance: this simply cannot be done with a narcissist you live with. Given distance, or only transient and intermittent contact, you can get along with narcissists by treating them as infants: you give them whatever they want or need whenever they ask and do not expect any reciprocation at all, do not expect them to show the slightest interest in you or your life (or even in why you're bothering with them at all), do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings, do not expect them to take ordinary responsibility in any way. But note: they are not infants; infants develop and mature and require this kind of care for only a brief period, after which they are on the road to autonomy and looking after themselves, whereas narcissists never outgrow their demands for dedicated attention to their infantile needs 168 hours a week. Adult narcissists can be as demanding of your time and energy as little babies but without the gratification of their growing or learning anything from what they suck from you. Babies love you back, but adult narcissists are like vampires: they will take all you can give while giving nothing back, then curse you for running dry and discard you as a waste of their precious time. “It is also essential that you keep emotional distance from narcissists.” Ten Do's and Five Don't Dos if you INSIST on Staying with Him Narcissistic Personality Disorder Tips – by Sam Vaknin, PhDhttp://samvak.tripod.com/npdtips.html

The preceding quote couldn't be more accurate. I often would equate my psychopaths personality to that of a child. As his own son became about the age of 12 I recall how evident it was that his son was more mature than he was. Even when his son was only 7, I can recall moments of thinking they acted exactly alike and had the same way of responding and reacting to things. I'd often hear from both of them, "I didn't do anything!", or, "you're saying that for no good reason!" as they'd stomp off in a huff. The 7 year old would say that if he were redirected and the "man" would say that if he noticed I was getting frustrated. But, even when I wasn't. Sometimes the "man" would just start saying that and I'd be left wondering what give him the impression I was upset about something? Apparently he'd done something that he hoped would provoke me and was then beginning to build his case about how wrong I was to feel provoked. I heard this mostly in the very beginning of our relationship. I believe this is because he was figuring out what my buttons were. He must have been incredibly frustrated when he was all prepared for the thrill of seeing me hurt and upset, yet I didn't realize I was supposed to be. My ex psycho was then forced to resort to even meaner tactics to get the result he was looking for, making him appear even more infantile and self-centered.

Dr Samvak is himself a narcissist (a form of psychopath), so he knows them more intimately than you, or I will ever have the displeasure of knowing. His assertion that they will take everything from you, and return nothing in kind, is absolutely accurate. Psychopaths have only one concern, that is that their every need and whim be met instantaneously and w/out question. They expect you to have no needs of your own. If you do happen to have a need for something like, oh I don't know, maybe some consideration for your feelings at the very least, you'll be highly disappointed. In fact quite the contrary. The one thing the narcissist will do that a baby doesn't do, is intentionally hurt you as often and as deeply as possible for "no good reason."

In the book The Unexamined Victim, Women Who Love Psychopaths, the author explains what a psychopath is looking for in a victim. They psychopath doesn't start off the relationship acting as the above quote from Dr.Samvak describes. If they did I doubt they'd ensnare as many victims as they do. Perhaps an occasional victim with low self esteem and little self worth who doesn't feel that he/she is very important themselves. But, that sort of victim is little thrill for the psychopath. They prefer victims who have a good amount of self worth and esteem. It's much more fun watching them crumble at the masters hand, then to watch an already defeated victim remain defeated.

The relationship of a psychopath has a pattern to it. There is the initial "wooing" stage which is something called the "luring" stage, or the "idealization phase." This is when he/she puts on the show of their lives for you.  They read you like a scrip from a theatrical film and you are the character they'll be playing. They're studying you to see what your likes/dislikes are. They are ascertaining what it is you're looking for, needing, or lacking in your life. They'll then begin the process of putting on their academy award winning performance of becoming the very man/woman of your dreams. "All the better to ensnare you with my pretty." I can imagine them eerily saying to themselves as they begin their ascend into your life. If you are someone who enjoys dancing, and the night life. Well, that is what they'll become. Someone who loves to go out to the clubs and dance those little twinkle toes off.

So, you see in the beginning it can be difficult to recognize a psychopath and a person has to be vigilant in noticing the signs early on to avoid a vicious snare waiting along the path. I love Dr. Phil's quote, "the best predictor for future behavior is past behavior." If he/she has a string of broken relationships in his/her past. Chances are, you'll be another in  a long line of victims the perpetrator has left in their wake.

So, what does the perpetrator look for in a victim? How can you protect yourself from being a tempting target? In the book The Unexamined Victim - Women Who Love Psychopaths, the author studied common traits and characteristics of victims specifically of psychopathic lovers. It turns out we are a breed of our own w/some distinct features not found in victims of other crimes such as rape, domestic violence, assault and so on. I'll cover the information from the book in the coming days. For at the moment it is 3:49am and I need to be up for work in a few hrs. Time to get some shut eye before the morning light.

http://www.sott.net/articles/show/228663-The-Unexamined-Victim-Women-Who-Love-Psychopaths

Knowing Yourself Better

It is said that a psychopath can spot a victim w/in 6 seconds of seeing her walk. One way is by the tilt of her head! They look for on particular trait, EMPATHY!! They are looking for a person that has a lot of empathy. Makes sense, this is what they lack they want to lure someone who has it and destroy it. That is exactly what my psychopath did. I walk with with my head tilted. I wonder if that's the one trait that made him target me? I am empathetic it has been my great sense of compassion and empathy that kept w/me with him many many times when I was ready to leave. He worked my sympathy continuously.

"Any manipulator's real leverage is in knowing the character of his victim well enough to know how that person will likely respond to the tactics he uses. He may know the victim will give him the benefit of the doubt, buy his excuses, be hesitant to ascribe evil intention, etc. He may know how conscientious the individual is and how effective shame and guilt will be in getting him or her to back down."

This made me a prime target for my sociopath. I am a person who does give people the benefit of the doubt, am hesitant to ascribe evil intentions, and do feel very guilty if I've hurt someone even unintentionally. Even today, knowing what I know about all the lies, I am still wanting to be in denial and believe my sociopath really isn't a TRUE sociopath. He did have feelings for me. He DOES feel great guilt and remorse. He looses sleep over it. I've seen him suffer from guilt after hurting someone. However, upon closer inspection what I've seen is his grief over the consequences of being caught hurting someone has cost him. He looses sleep for what HE has lost and for what he wasn't able to gain based on being being exposed, not over what the OTHER person is feeling or suffering. I am convinced he does miss me in some small way and was attached and bonded to me. Denial is a deep river!!!

"Manipulators generally take the time to scope out the characteristics and weaknesses of their victims. If manipulators gain leverage by what they know about you, it onlystands to reason that the more you know about yourself and the more you work to overcome your own vulnerabilities, the more leverage you gain in your dealings with them. When examining your own character, here are some important things to look for:

 1. NAIVETE. You maybe one of those individuals who finds it too hard to accept the notion that there really are people as cunning, devious, and ruthless as your gut tells you the manipulator in your life is. That is, you may even be prone to engage in "neurotic" denial. If you are, even when you're confronted with abundant evidence you're dealing with a ruthless conniver, you may refuse to believe it, reluctantly accepting reality only after being victimized too often.

Yep! That would be me.

2. OVER-CONSCIENTIOUSNESS. Ask yourself if you're one of those people who is much harder on themselves than anybody else. You might be the kind of person who is too willing to give a would-be
manipulator the benefit of the doubt. When they do something to hurt you, you may be too ready to see their side of things and too willing to blame yourself when they go on the attack and throw you on the defensive.

Yep, that would be me.

3. LOW SELF-CONFIDENCE. You maybe one of those persons who is overly self-doubting, or chronically unsure of your right to pursue your legitimate wants and needs. You may lack confidence about your ability to face conflicts directly and resolve them effectively. If so, you're likely to quit asserting yourself prematurely and also likely to go on the defensive too easily when challenged by an aggressive personality.

As much as I hate to admit it, that would be me as well.

4. OVER-INTELLECTUALIZATION. You maybe one of those persons who tries too hard to understand. If you're also one who assumes that people only do hurtful things when there's some legitimate, understandable reason, you might delude yourself into believing that uncovering and understanding all the reasons for your manipulator's behavior will be sufficient to make things different. Sometimes, by being overly focused on the possible reasons for a behavior, you may inadvertently excuse it. Other times, you might get so wrapped-up in trying to understand what's going on that you forget that someone is merely fighting to gain advantage over you and that you should be devoting your time and energy to taking necessary steps to protect and empower yourself. If you over-intellectualize, you'll likely have trouble accepting the simple philosophy that there are people in this world who fight too much, fight underhandedly, and for no other purpose than to get what they want.

That is definitely me!!! I am still hesitant to admit it, even though every thing this man has done at face value is to gain something for himself. I know this. I realize this. It's very obvious.

He has hurt me time and time again. He has promised never to hurt me again. Seen my pain. Yet continues the behavior that causes me pain. I am still unable to remain angry at him. Instead I am fighting to understand his "condition."


I am still seeking understand WHY and make excuses for him. I tell myself that being a sociopath he can't help himself. He does the best he can with what he's capable of given his nuerological disorder. He's suffering more than I could ever imagine. I make ALL sorts of excuses for him still!!!!

5. EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY. You may have submissive personality characteristics rooted in deep fears of independence and autonomy. If so, you might be attracted to the more confident-appearing,
 independent, aggressive personalities in the first place. After becoming involved in a relationship with them, you may also tend to let such people run over you out of fear that if you stand up to them you may be "abandoned" altogether. The more emotionally dependent you are on someone, the more vulnerable you are to being exploited and manipulated by them.

Yep.

Even if you're not in some kind of relationship with a manipulator, recognizing and working to overcome any of the aforementioned character defects is a worthwhile enterprise. But if you are in a relationship with a manipulative person, not doing so places you at high risk for victimization.

Guess I still have more work to do than I was aware of. Darn I can't blame HIM for everything even though he's the perpetrator? Damn. Okay, I'll take responibility for needing to work on my assurdance, ability to be descerning, and not be SO empathetic and understanding. Ug!

George K. Simon Ph.D.. In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People (Kindle Locations 1167-1171). Kindle Edition.