It is said that a psychopath can spot a victim w/in 6 seconds of seeing her walk. One way is by the tilt of her head! They look for on particular trait, EMPATHY!! They are looking for a person that has a lot of empathy. Makes sense, this is what they lack they want to lure someone who has it and destroy it. That is exactly what my psychopath did. I walk with with my head tilted. I wonder if that's the one trait that made him target me? I am empathetic it has been my great sense of compassion and empathy that kept w/me with him many many times when I was ready to leave. He worked my sympathy continuously.
"Any manipulator's real leverage is in knowing the character of his victim well enough to know how that person will likely respond to the tactics he uses. He may know the victim will give him the benefit of the doubt, buy his excuses, be hesitant to ascribe evil intention, etc. He may know how conscientious the individual is and how effective shame and guilt will be in getting him or her to back down."
This made me a prime target for my sociopath. I am a person who does give people the benefit of the doubt, am hesitant to ascribe evil intentions, and do feel very guilty if I've hurt someone even unintentionally. Even today, knowing what I know about all the lies, I am still wanting to be in denial and believe my sociopath really isn't a TRUE sociopath. He did have feelings for me. He DOES feel great guilt and remorse. He looses sleep over it. I've seen him suffer from guilt after hurting someone. However, upon closer inspection what I've seen is his grief over the consequences of being caught hurting someone has cost him. He looses sleep for what HE has lost and for what he wasn't able to gain based on being being exposed, not over what the OTHER person is feeling or suffering. I am convinced he does miss me in some small way and was attached and bonded to me. Denial is a deep river!!!
"Manipulators generally take the time to scope out the characteristics and weaknesses of their victims. If manipulators gain leverage by what they know about you, it onlystands to reason that the more you know about yourself and the more you work to overcome your own vulnerabilities, the more leverage you gain in your dealings with them. When examining your own character, here are some important things to look for:
1. NAIVETE. You maybe one of those individuals who finds it too hard to accept the notion that there really are people as cunning, devious, and ruthless as your gut tells you the manipulator in your life is. That is, you may even be prone to engage in "neurotic" denial. If you are, even when you're confronted with abundant evidence you're dealing with a ruthless conniver, you may refuse to believe it, reluctantly accepting reality only after being victimized too often.
Yep! That would be me.
2. OVER-CONSCIENTIOUSNESS. Ask yourself if you're one of those people who is much harder on themselves than anybody else. You might be the kind of person who is too willing to give a would-be
manipulator the benefit of the doubt. When they do something to hurt you, you may be too ready to see their side of things and too willing to blame yourself when they go on the attack and throw you on the defensive.
Yep, that would be me.
3. LOW SELF-CONFIDENCE. You maybe one of those persons who is overly self-doubting, or chronically unsure of your right to pursue your legitimate wants and needs. You may lack confidence about your ability to face conflicts directly and resolve them effectively. If so, you're likely to quit asserting yourself prematurely and also likely to go on the defensive too easily when challenged by an aggressive personality.
As much as I hate to admit it, that would be me as well.
4. OVER-INTELLECTUALIZATION. You maybe one of those persons who tries too hard to understand. If you're also one who assumes that people only do hurtful things when there's some legitimate, understandable reason, you might delude yourself into believing that uncovering and understanding all the reasons for your manipulator's behavior will be sufficient to make things different. Sometimes, by being overly focused on the possible reasons for a behavior, you may inadvertently excuse it. Other times, you might get so wrapped-up in trying to understand what's going on that you forget that someone is merely fighting to gain advantage over you and that you should be devoting your time and energy to taking necessary steps to protect and empower yourself. If you over-intellectualize, you'll likely have trouble accepting the simple philosophy that there are people in this world who fight too much, fight underhandedly, and for no other purpose than to get what they want.
That is definitely me!!! I am still hesitant to admit it, even though every thing this man has done at face value is to gain something for himself. I know this. I realize this. It's very obvious.
He has hurt me time and time again. He has promised never to hurt me again. Seen my pain. Yet continues the behavior that causes me pain. I am still unable to remain angry at him. Instead I am fighting to understand his "condition."
I am still seeking understand WHY and make excuses for him. I tell myself that being a sociopath he can't help himself. He does the best he can with what he's capable of given his nuerological disorder. He's suffering more than I could ever imagine. I make ALL sorts of excuses for him still!!!!
5. EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY. You may have submissive personality characteristics rooted in deep fears of independence and autonomy. If so, you might be attracted to the more confident-appearing,
independent, aggressive personalities in the first place. After becoming involved in a relationship with them, you may also tend to let such people run over you out of fear that if you stand up to them you may be "abandoned" altogether. The more emotionally dependent you are on someone, the more vulnerable you are to being exploited and manipulated by them.
Yep.
Even if you're not in some kind of relationship with a manipulator, recognizing and working to overcome any of the aforementioned character defects is a worthwhile enterprise. But if you are in a relationship with a manipulative person, not doing so places you at high risk for victimization.
Guess I still have more work to do than I was aware of. Darn I can't blame HIM for everything even though he's the perpetrator? Damn. Okay, I'll take responibility for needing to work on my assurdance, ability to be descerning, and not be SO empathetic and understanding. Ug!
George K. Simon Ph.D.. In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People (Kindle Locations 1167-1171). Kindle Edition.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
How Can They Be So Convincing?
They can be so convincing because they've been at it since birth. Think about how much practice they have had. Since their very 1st thought of "being" they've been aware of how different they are. They've had to practice the art of mimicking things they don't really feel. They've perfected their game of which gestures, words, phrases, actions garner them the most focus and attention. Because after all the one thing a sociopath/psychopath/narcissist is after is admiration. They get tired of being the only one's admiring themselves it's important they have victims baited to admiring them as well.
The psychopath gets bored very easily. The human brain is designed to have some of it's space filled with emotions, attachments, love, joy, empathy, conscience, and caring for others. In the absence of these things the brain has an empty zone that is craving to be filled and fed. The narcissist will fill this void by victimizing others who have these traits, empathy, compassion, love, conscience. It is the only way they can fill that void, just dupe us and take it from us. It is survival for the psychopath. Without such supply they literally are dying emotionally, and mentally. Hence their insatiable hunger to steal those worthy elements of our humanity.
Here are a few warning signs, I overlooked at the time. I now see how blatantly these red flags were blowing in my face. I just didn't know what those flags were supposed t look like. I'll be back later this evening to finish this post and explain in greater detail how the psychopath is so incredibly good at what he/she does at duping unsuspecting innocent victims whose only crime is having held a high does of compassion and empathy themselves.
*"Somethings missing" (OFTEN)
*"I'm sad and I don't know why."
*"I feel empty and I don't know why."
*"I love you, but it's not that really, really special once in a lifetime kind of love"
*"My brain doesn't work right"
*"Ever since I was a child, I knew my brain was different."
*"I am so mad at you and I don't know why. I am so angry at you and you haven't done anything!"
*"Teachers and my parents couldn't understand what was wrong with me. They tried everything to figure out why I was different, why my brain thought differently. Nobody could figure out why and I was just so angry all the time. My parents had to call the police sometimes because I would get so angry and throw things and once threw a chair out the window. I never knew what I was so angry about."
*"I feel so lonely."
*"You have no idea what goes on in my head. It's a scary place to be. Trust me you don't want to know what's in my head."
*"My mom makes me so mad she's always trying to make me think about other people. I'm not a selfish person."
*"You're just like my mother. You don't get it!"
You're so special!
Some symptoms to look for
Warning signs
Things to Notice
The psychopath gets bored very easily. The human brain is designed to have some of it's space filled with emotions, attachments, love, joy, empathy, conscience, and caring for others. In the absence of these things the brain has an empty zone that is craving to be filled and fed. The narcissist will fill this void by victimizing others who have these traits, empathy, compassion, love, conscience. It is the only way they can fill that void, just dupe us and take it from us. It is survival for the psychopath. Without such supply they literally are dying emotionally, and mentally. Hence their insatiable hunger to steal those worthy elements of our humanity.
Here are a few warning signs, I overlooked at the time. I now see how blatantly these red flags were blowing in my face. I just didn't know what those flags were supposed t look like. I'll be back later this evening to finish this post and explain in greater detail how the psychopath is so incredibly good at what he/she does at duping unsuspecting innocent victims whose only crime is having held a high does of compassion and empathy themselves.
*"Somethings missing" (OFTEN)
*"I'm sad and I don't know why."
*"I feel empty and I don't know why."
*"I love you, but it's not that really, really special once in a lifetime kind of love"
*"My brain doesn't work right"
*"Ever since I was a child, I knew my brain was different."
*"I am so mad at you and I don't know why. I am so angry at you and you haven't done anything!"
*"Teachers and my parents couldn't understand what was wrong with me. They tried everything to figure out why I was different, why my brain thought differently. Nobody could figure out why and I was just so angry all the time. My parents had to call the police sometimes because I would get so angry and throw things and once threw a chair out the window. I never knew what I was so angry about."
*"I feel so lonely."
*"You have no idea what goes on in my head. It's a scary place to be. Trust me you don't want to know what's in my head."
*"My mom makes me so mad she's always trying to make me think about other people. I'm not a selfish person."
*"You're just like my mother. You don't get it!"
You're so special!
Some symptoms to look for
Warning signs
Things to Notice
Monday, October 17, 2011
How to Spot a Sociopath/Psychopath Test
I just can't read enough information on this disorder. My head is literally going 100 miles an hour retrieving every word, every look, every gesture, every selfish self centered, contradictory act trying to make sense of it. It's as if I'm trying to categorize each event in "Yes a sociopath" column, or "No, not a sociopath/psychopath column. Trouble is NOTHING fits in the not column. Most things fit in the YES w/a resounding yes! Some things though are in the maybe column. I just can not completely believe this man has no, zero capacity for love, attachment and joy. Yes, I've always sensed he was faining reactions and always knew something was a off, but to have zero of these human traits is beyond my comprehension. Particularly when we shared some intimate moments where it seemed both of us had really made a connection with one another. It is all so very confusing. I 'm posting this link though because my sociopath has nearly every one of those traits in spades!! #13 is a strong one. As is the "monotone" number. Don't recall, I think it was #9?
Even as typing this I am recalling all of these incredibly selfish acts this person did that I couldn't believe he was doing at the time. I would get so angry sometimes and think to myself how in the world can he be so efin selfish?! Well, now I have my answer.
Here's the link. Check it out if you're questioning whether the person you're with is, or could be a sociopath/psychopath.
http://www.sociopathworld.com/2010/12/sociopath-test-how-to-spot-them-before.html
Even as typing this I am recalling all of these incredibly selfish acts this person did that I couldn't believe he was doing at the time. I would get so angry sometimes and think to myself how in the world can he be so efin selfish?! Well, now I have my answer.
Here's the link. Check it out if you're questioning whether the person you're with is, or could be a sociopath/psychopath.
http://www.sociopathworld.com/2010/12/sociopath-test-how-to-spot-them-before.html
Still in Shock
Today I'm considering looking for a support group for those who've been in a relationship with a psychopath. Even typing that phrase is difficult for me. I barely got through the work day today w/out breaking down into fits of crying. Well, I didn't get through work, I broke down many times which is why I'm not working tomorrow. I don't even completely understand all the mixed emotions I'm feeling. I know two things for sure, one is that I am devasted beyond words, full of sorrow and deep deep pain for this person who didn't and doesn't choose to be a psychopath. This is how he was born. It's beyond his control. I could always see he was internally tortured in some way. I just wasn't able to see exactly how. I keep getting these flashes of expressions on his face, and hear words he's said and even tears I've seen him weep over the deep pain he is in. No I have never seen him weep tears for me. Always tears for himself. But, again that is NOT his fault. His brain is unable to empathize with my pain. I ask myself why should I expect him to treat me with kindness and care when he has no reference for what that means?
I'm having a hard time typing this message even for my tears for him. I have no one to share my sorrow with. I want nothing more than to have somebody with me that can share this pain. Someone that can at least understand why I can't hate my psychopath. There are so many feelings streaming through me I can scarecly track them. I have great, great sorrow for this man and the suffering that has been his entire life and will continue to be until the day he dies. I can see him watching people. I can see and feel him watching me when I am feeling joyful, or happy. In particular when I am laughing something I realized I rarely ever did while with him. When he is watching me I can feel his emptiness. I can feel his desire to have what I have but he has no clue how to get it. I can also see how he hates me because I am able to experience joy and love in a way he will never understand. If I were in his place, I would hate me too. I would hate every person who felt great joy and love. Because I would be so angry and saddened that I could NOT have that. The one thing that makes people human and connects them, that one thing that is the very purpose and meaning of life, that is the reason we are here for on this planet together and that is to care for and feel for each other. That vital ingredient that makes a human a human is missing. How I would envy every human that was able to have that experience and yet I could not. So, how can I blame him for wanting to hurt me? I can't. I don't want to let him back in my life to hurt me again. But, I can't hate him for the all the times he's toyed with my heart, jerked my head around, and hurt my feelings for his own satisfaction. I understand. Given that I understand why he does it, I actually have some sense of gratitude that he wasn't more cruel. He could of been worse I suppose. Not much, because I believe it would have seriously and literally killed me had it been any worse. However, knowing that the only way a psychopath's brain is able to feel and experience sensations the way our "normal" brains do when we are in love, bonding, laughing and FEELING is through the rush of conquering another by having the power to hurt them I can fully understand why he did all the things he did to me. I'm actually finding myself appreciating every kind word, gesture or deed he ever did. I have to believe he felt SOMETHING, even if just smidgen of care. Otherwise I don't know what the motivation would have been to do and see certain things that I can see he would have gained nothing from. These are few and far between but they are there. I want to believe he did and does love me at least as far as he is able to comprehend love. I want to believe he loves his children in some way, even if it isn't a way we 'normal' brained creatures experience it. He is a human. He is here on this planet. He's a creature of God and has the right to be loved as any one born does. But, how does he ever get to have that, or feel that? We are told to run like the wind from a psychopath because of the havoc that wrecks your life when they are in it. But, if we all ran from them, where would that leave them? The do feel for themselves. They do feel lonliness, suffering, pain, sadness. They just don't feel any of those things for anyone but themselves.
This post is just a rant to get all these thoughts out of my head that are flooding me. I need to release them somehow. No other point to this post. Just trying to drain the misery from my brain and heart at the discovery that the person I've loved for so many years is so broken and doomed. Not because of anything he's done. But, just because he was born. What is sadder? The word sad doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about this. I don't know that there is a word that describes this deep pain and sorrow that is enveloping me for this man and those who love and care for him.
I'm having a hard time typing this message even for my tears for him. I have no one to share my sorrow with. I want nothing more than to have somebody with me that can share this pain. Someone that can at least understand why I can't hate my psychopath. There are so many feelings streaming through me I can scarecly track them. I have great, great sorrow for this man and the suffering that has been his entire life and will continue to be until the day he dies. I can see him watching people. I can see and feel him watching me when I am feeling joyful, or happy. In particular when I am laughing something I realized I rarely ever did while with him. When he is watching me I can feel his emptiness. I can feel his desire to have what I have but he has no clue how to get it. I can also see how he hates me because I am able to experience joy and love in a way he will never understand. If I were in his place, I would hate me too. I would hate every person who felt great joy and love. Because I would be so angry and saddened that I could NOT have that. The one thing that makes people human and connects them, that one thing that is the very purpose and meaning of life, that is the reason we are here for on this planet together and that is to care for and feel for each other. That vital ingredient that makes a human a human is missing. How I would envy every human that was able to have that experience and yet I could not. So, how can I blame him for wanting to hurt me? I can't. I don't want to let him back in my life to hurt me again. But, I can't hate him for the all the times he's toyed with my heart, jerked my head around, and hurt my feelings for his own satisfaction. I understand. Given that I understand why he does it, I actually have some sense of gratitude that he wasn't more cruel. He could of been worse I suppose. Not much, because I believe it would have seriously and literally killed me had it been any worse. However, knowing that the only way a psychopath's brain is able to feel and experience sensations the way our "normal" brains do when we are in love, bonding, laughing and FEELING is through the rush of conquering another by having the power to hurt them I can fully understand why he did all the things he did to me. I'm actually finding myself appreciating every kind word, gesture or deed he ever did. I have to believe he felt SOMETHING, even if just smidgen of care. Otherwise I don't know what the motivation would have been to do and see certain things that I can see he would have gained nothing from. These are few and far between but they are there. I want to believe he did and does love me at least as far as he is able to comprehend love. I want to believe he loves his children in some way, even if it isn't a way we 'normal' brained creatures experience it. He is a human. He is here on this planet. He's a creature of God and has the right to be loved as any one born does. But, how does he ever get to have that, or feel that? We are told to run like the wind from a psychopath because of the havoc that wrecks your life when they are in it. But, if we all ran from them, where would that leave them? The do feel for themselves. They do feel lonliness, suffering, pain, sadness. They just don't feel any of those things for anyone but themselves.
This post is just a rant to get all these thoughts out of my head that are flooding me. I need to release them somehow. No other point to this post. Just trying to drain the misery from my brain and heart at the discovery that the person I've loved for so many years is so broken and doomed. Not because of anything he's done. But, just because he was born. What is sadder? The word sad doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about this. I don't know that there is a word that describes this deep pain and sorrow that is enveloping me for this man and those who love and care for him.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Breaking Up With a Sociopath
I'm going to add a few links of what experts and others who have experience with sociopaths and then I'll give my personal experience. My personal experience by the way makes Neil Sadaca's Breaking Up is Hard to Do song seem like child's play. It makes Paul Simon's 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover a hysterical joke to a sociopath. They are all about control. They'll control when/how often you see them. They control whether you are breaking up, making up, on the verge of breaking up/making up and all other ways in between. They are always in complete control. Don't think you can beat them at their own game. They've had a lifetime of practice dealing with sociopath's behavior. You're experience and your brains "normal" way of seeing human behavior and emotions are quite comical to your sociopath.
Alright...links and then my story. This first link is a blog managed a self professed sociopath. I'm not sure I agree with much of what he states on his blog. I have no idea if he is a true sociopath or not. But, I do know that much of what he says about breaking up with a sociopath is correct. Proceed with caution.
How to Break Up with a Sociopath
This next link comment about "you can't do anything right" is correct. To your sociopath you won't even be able to break up correctly. He'll hound you, try to get you to pity him, he'll be mean, he'll be kind, he'll be charming, he'll be pathetic. He'll be whatever he feels you need him to be in order to keep him in your life. He won't respect your boundaries. He will break you down. You'll have to threaten and/or phone the police because that is the only way to stop him. Authority is the only thing he hates more than your petty emotions.
Q & A from those who've experience breaking up with a sociopath.
When using this next link be sure to scroll to the bottom and follow other links it offers regarding how to recognize and deal with a sociopath.
Recognizing, dealing with and breaking up with pychopath/sociopath
I am now calling my sociopath, a psychopath because after much research and investigation he fits the profile more closely. Although experts still don't have an agreement on what the distinction between a sociopath and psychopath is if there is indeed any. For my purpose and the belief that I lean toward is that they both are the same with the exception that the psychopath's only intent is to hurt, harm and destroy. A sociopath does that as well, but their main objection is narcissism, to feed their ego at all cost. If you get hurt along the way, so be it. But, they are too busy taking care of their own needs to spend time plotting and schemings the best way to cut you the deepest. This is just my personal opinion. There is no scientific basis for it. Now on we have some breaking up to do.
Breakups with my psychoopath became as common as tieing your shoes before walking around in them. Most times, it got done. Sometimes we'd be in a hurry and forget to get that taken care of. Either way, our shoes wouldn't remain tied for long. Before much time has passed, we'd be retieing, untying and double knoting. Our first breakup was early on. I don't recall the exact time frame. Likely, the first breakup came somewhere between the 3 - 6 month mark. I hadn't yet figured out he was a psychopath, nor had any inclination of what that meant. I do know he would give me double msgs. I would often be confused about his intentions. He was "jumpy" at the idea of being called a "boyfriend" and had numerous reasons why he wasn't comfortable with that title. A variety of reasons that changed along with the weather. Sometime between 3 - 6 months I decided I'd had enough of the mixed signals and broke it off. To my surprise he was phoning me w/in hrs telling me how much he missed me, and how he didn't want to be w/out me. I don't remember how many days these phone calls went on before we began seeing one another again. Perhaps a week to 10 days. Things were relatively calm for a brief period of time perhaps for several weeks. Then he began talking about other women and his interest in them. Simultaneously making me feel as if I was his salvation. As if I was the only person on earth he cared to spend time with. Being with me was like air to him. (big red flag I know realize). From that first break up, to these mixed signals, to him talking about other women just continued and escalated. Within about a year I realized I was in a toxic relationship, but by then the victim/perpetrator bond had been established and he knew exactly how to work me to get everything he wanted. As well as how to cause me the most pain and turmoil.
The bottom line is, a psychopath needs constant stimulation. They get bored very easily. One way to entertain themselves is by playing with your emotions and keeping you off balance and in constant turmoil. This roller coaster lifestyle becomes normal for you over time. As much as you dislike it. When the breakups occur and they'll occur often the lack of the chaos leaves the victim feeling empty and lost. An emptiness unlike one you've ever felt before. It's during that time of weakness and vulnerability that the psychopath begins to work his way back into your life. Each time the two of you go through a break-up/make-up experience the perpetrator sees you the victim as becoming weaker and weaker in one respect. But, also the victim is becoming unresponsive to the abuse. The psychopath needs that emotional reaction and rush from the victims heartbreak. To keep the momentum going the psychopath will continue to increase his demands and abuse. It's also during this time, which is called the "devalue" stage of the relationship, the psychopath is working on attaining the next victim. During the break up phases he has more time to work on securing the next women w/the idealization phase. This may also be the time when he ups what is called triangulation. This is where he tells the new woman how different she is from the old one. How he appreciates this/that about her. At the same time he's telling the current victim whom he is devaluing all the things that are wrong with her. He'll briefly mention this other woman, the new one in line and how patient she is in this regard or that regard. He hasn't let on he is dating this other woman yet. But, makes it known he COULD if he wanted, In this way he is setting up a competition between the two women. Thinking that they each will do more and more for him in order to be the "winner".
My psychopath used this term with me often. When he'd been pursuing another person and dangling the 'threat' of her over me. He'd often say, "you won." I'm not going be her "friend" anymore because it makes you uncomfortable. Of course this was also a lie. In all likelihood she had refused to keep seeing him because he hadn't yet given me up. And on and on it goes. Like a merry-go-round. Before you know it this relationship has become sick, tainted, destruction and you feel as if you are dying. But, getting away from the psychopath at this time is incredibly difficult. Unless and until the psychopath is ready to let you go, the relationship and abuse could go on indefinitely.
If you suspect your partner is a psychopath I 'd recommend getting out quickly. You should cut off all contact. Change your phone number, email address, if you have to your residence. Tell your employer he isn't allowed to come to your workplace. Block him from all social networks. It's the time when you decide to get out when the psychopath feels the biggest challenge and will work exstremely hard telling you everything you want to hear, promising you anything to get you to take him back. It is all words though. Whether your partner is a psychopath, or you just suspect he is a psychopath is plenty of reason to make that break immediately and cleanly. Best of luck! Check out the break-up resources on this blog for more help in breaking up with your psychopath. Feel free to comment or msg me if you have any question or what further information.
Alright...links and then my story. This first link is a blog managed a self professed sociopath. I'm not sure I agree with much of what he states on his blog. I have no idea if he is a true sociopath or not. But, I do know that much of what he says about breaking up with a sociopath is correct. Proceed with caution.
How to Break Up with a Sociopath
This next link comment about "you can't do anything right" is correct. To your sociopath you won't even be able to break up correctly. He'll hound you, try to get you to pity him, he'll be mean, he'll be kind, he'll be charming, he'll be pathetic. He'll be whatever he feels you need him to be in order to keep him in your life. He won't respect your boundaries. He will break you down. You'll have to threaten and/or phone the police because that is the only way to stop him. Authority is the only thing he hates more than your petty emotions.
Q & A from those who've experience breaking up with a sociopath.
When using this next link be sure to scroll to the bottom and follow other links it offers regarding how to recognize and deal with a sociopath.
Recognizing, dealing with and breaking up with pychopath/sociopath
I am now calling my sociopath, a psychopath because after much research and investigation he fits the profile more closely. Although experts still don't have an agreement on what the distinction between a sociopath and psychopath is if there is indeed any. For my purpose and the belief that I lean toward is that they both are the same with the exception that the psychopath's only intent is to hurt, harm and destroy. A sociopath does that as well, but their main objection is narcissism, to feed their ego at all cost. If you get hurt along the way, so be it. But, they are too busy taking care of their own needs to spend time plotting and schemings the best way to cut you the deepest. This is just my personal opinion. There is no scientific basis for it. Now on we have some breaking up to do.
Breakups with my psychoopath became as common as tieing your shoes before walking around in them. Most times, it got done. Sometimes we'd be in a hurry and forget to get that taken care of. Either way, our shoes wouldn't remain tied for long. Before much time has passed, we'd be retieing, untying and double knoting. Our first breakup was early on. I don't recall the exact time frame. Likely, the first breakup came somewhere between the 3 - 6 month mark. I hadn't yet figured out he was a psychopath, nor had any inclination of what that meant. I do know he would give me double msgs. I would often be confused about his intentions. He was "jumpy" at the idea of being called a "boyfriend" and had numerous reasons why he wasn't comfortable with that title. A variety of reasons that changed along with the weather. Sometime between 3 - 6 months I decided I'd had enough of the mixed signals and broke it off. To my surprise he was phoning me w/in hrs telling me how much he missed me, and how he didn't want to be w/out me. I don't remember how many days these phone calls went on before we began seeing one another again. Perhaps a week to 10 days. Things were relatively calm for a brief period of time perhaps for several weeks. Then he began talking about other women and his interest in them. Simultaneously making me feel as if I was his salvation. As if I was the only person on earth he cared to spend time with. Being with me was like air to him. (big red flag I know realize). From that first break up, to these mixed signals, to him talking about other women just continued and escalated. Within about a year I realized I was in a toxic relationship, but by then the victim/perpetrator bond had been established and he knew exactly how to work me to get everything he wanted. As well as how to cause me the most pain and turmoil.
The bottom line is, a psychopath needs constant stimulation. They get bored very easily. One way to entertain themselves is by playing with your emotions and keeping you off balance and in constant turmoil. This roller coaster lifestyle becomes normal for you over time. As much as you dislike it. When the breakups occur and they'll occur often the lack of the chaos leaves the victim feeling empty and lost. An emptiness unlike one you've ever felt before. It's during that time of weakness and vulnerability that the psychopath begins to work his way back into your life. Each time the two of you go through a break-up/make-up experience the perpetrator sees you the victim as becoming weaker and weaker in one respect. But, also the victim is becoming unresponsive to the abuse. The psychopath needs that emotional reaction and rush from the victims heartbreak. To keep the momentum going the psychopath will continue to increase his demands and abuse. It's also during this time, which is called the "devalue" stage of the relationship, the psychopath is working on attaining the next victim. During the break up phases he has more time to work on securing the next women w/the idealization phase. This may also be the time when he ups what is called triangulation. This is where he tells the new woman how different she is from the old one. How he appreciates this/that about her. At the same time he's telling the current victim whom he is devaluing all the things that are wrong with her. He'll briefly mention this other woman, the new one in line and how patient she is in this regard or that regard. He hasn't let on he is dating this other woman yet. But, makes it known he COULD if he wanted, In this way he is setting up a competition between the two women. Thinking that they each will do more and more for him in order to be the "winner".
My psychopath used this term with me often. When he'd been pursuing another person and dangling the 'threat' of her over me. He'd often say, "you won." I'm not going be her "friend" anymore because it makes you uncomfortable. Of course this was also a lie. In all likelihood she had refused to keep seeing him because he hadn't yet given me up. And on and on it goes. Like a merry-go-round. Before you know it this relationship has become sick, tainted, destruction and you feel as if you are dying. But, getting away from the psychopath at this time is incredibly difficult. Unless and until the psychopath is ready to let you go, the relationship and abuse could go on indefinitely.
If you suspect your partner is a psychopath I 'd recommend getting out quickly. You should cut off all contact. Change your phone number, email address, if you have to your residence. Tell your employer he isn't allowed to come to your workplace. Block him from all social networks. It's the time when you decide to get out when the psychopath feels the biggest challenge and will work exstremely hard telling you everything you want to hear, promising you anything to get you to take him back. It is all words though. Whether your partner is a psychopath, or you just suspect he is a psychopath is plenty of reason to make that break immediately and cleanly. Best of luck! Check out the break-up resources on this blog for more help in breaking up with your psychopath. Feel free to comment or msg me if you have any question or what further information.
Do Sociopaths Feel?
Oh yes they feel deeply. They are extraordinarily sensitive beings. The catch is their sensitivity starts and stops with themselves. It is completely egocentrical. To the pyschopath/sociopath the feelings of others are a mystery, a riddle to them of which they could care less about solving. They enjoy the futile emotions of their victims only so much as they can use them to their advantage. The deeper you are being hurt the deeper satisifaction your sociopath is feeling for a job well done.
http://youtu.be/KQZzT-IcLlI
http://youtu.be/KQZzT-IcLlI
Warning Signs.
Warning Signs to look for.
Characteristics of a Psychopath
- superficial charm
- self-centered & self-important
- need for stimulation & prone to boredom
- deceptive behavior & lying
- conning & manipulative
- little remorse or guilt
- shallow emotional response
- callous with a lack of empathy
- living off others or predatory attitude
- poor self-control
- promiscuous sexual behavior
- early behavioral problems
- lack of realistic long term goals
- impulsive lifestyle
- irresponsible behavior
- blaming others for their actions
- short term relationships
- juvenile delinquency
- breaking parole or probation
- varied criminal activity
They do what's called "love bombing" which is basically showering you with affection fairly early in the relationship before those natural feelings should have developed.
Seems hypersexual. They'll also "sex bomb" you. They won't be able to keep their hands off of you. They will want you anywhere, everywhere, every second, in every way you can imagine. This is their way of gaining control over you. The goal is to conquer you in what's called the "idealization" phase so they can then start the devalue phase which is the time when they begin tearing you down from the pedestal they've built for you. The final stage is discard. They're just done. You're old news at the drop of a hat. Or, they have become so cruel and ruthless that you have no choice but to be done with them. This is a clever trick they play. This way the breakup is YOUR idea and when they come back, and they will come back, they can blame the separation on you and appeal to your sense of "sympathy" to get back in your good graces so they can start the whole cycle all over again.
If you're with them long enough and I hope for your sake you are not. You'll begin to sense you're emotions are being toyed with the way a cat toys with a mouse. You'll start to wonder why the relationship is in such a state of chaos and drama all the time. You'll feel like it's your fault even though he/she hasn't overtly told you it is. You FEEL it is. This is a result of the emotional manipulation of chipping away at your sense of yourself. You may even feel as if your significant other is your enemy even though he/she professes to love you and/or be your best friend.
These are just a few of the warning signs. The most difficult part of being involved with a psychopath is that by the time you're seeing most of these signs you're already bonded with them. They've figured out how to work you. They know your vulnerabilities and they can make it very difficult to get out of that entanglement. The best thing you can do is get out of the relationship, cut off all means of communication and resist contact of any kind, even indirect contact. Even if he/she is not a clinical psychopath, if they are enough of a question mark that you are considering the possibility it's time to get out regardless if he/she is/isn't, get out. Do what you can to detach any human traits you give this person because psychopaths are not human in the sense that you/I are. They do not have the capability for love, empathy, compassion, or even have a conscience of any kind. Therefor they will keep hurting you as long a it amuses them. They don't see you as human being, so you need to return the favor.
How to Know if You are Involved with a pyschopath/sociopath.
It is very hard to detect a psychopathic personality in the very beginning of a relationship. There are however a few red flags to watch out for. A psychopath/sociopath needs what Dr. Sam Vatkin (author of Malignant Love Narcissism Revisited) "narcissistic supply". The supply for a narcissist is life, a human to control and manipulate. Without this supply the narcissist feels as if he/she is dying. This means the person will be in a hurry to get the relationship going. It'll move at a quick pace. He/she will shower you with compliments, phone calls, dates, gifts, and basically become everything he/she knows you are looking for. In the beginning he/she may ask a lot of question about you trying to gather as much information as possible in order to become all that you desire. With my narcissist that wasn't the case however. He spent most of the time talking. He loves to talk about himself. But, in general the narcissist will zero in on you with an almost predator glare as you're sharing information about yourself.
The narcissist will seem to have developed an emotional attachment to you rather quickly. Again, this is to ensure they'll be able to have their narcissistic supply met. The don't really feel any of the professed emotions they are expressing. They are playing a cat and mouse game with you. You of course are the mouse.
Psychopaths have a difficult time expressing true emotion, empathy or feeling. So, early on discuss deep emotional impactual topics. Don't allow them to get away with a superficial explanation. As meaningful questions. Try to get an opinion on topics such as politics. Psychopaths care very little about anything that doesn't directly involve them. Chances are he/she will find it difficult to have strong opinions one way or the other. They simply don't care.
Does this person have a string of short term relationships? This is a red flag.
Do they readily take responsibility for mistakes, or events in his/her life? When you have a disagreement or difference of opinion does this person appear to be offended, insulted, even angered by this? A psychopath takes differing opinion, thoughts and feelings, as personal attacks.
The following links will explain in more detail how to spot a psychopath/sociopath.
http://www.crisiscounseling.com/articles/psychopath.htm
Are You Involved With a Pychopath/Sociopath?
Before going to these next links, let me just say if you are a kind, compassionate, caring person who believes most people have the best of intentions and are as equally as caring as you. If you are a trusting person who generally puts the needs of others before yourself, then you are a prime target for a psychopath/sociopath. They don't live in the same mental state we do. Their moral compass is one you can't fathom in your wildest dreams. Because YOU are a person who has great empathy and capacity for love. Sociopaths/psychopaths at first appear to admire those traits and qualities in you greatly. Then they'll begin to resent you, loath you and torture you for those very same traits that they have no understanding or reference to comprehend.
Some Links to Take a Look at If You are Still Questioning Whether Your Suitor is a Sociopath/psychopath
If after checking this blog you think you may be dealing with a person with borderline personality proceed with extreme caution. These predators and I realize it is extremely hard to see the person in your life as a predator, but that is how he/she sees YOU if he/she truly is a sociopath/psychopath. You are prey to them. You are the next victim to control and manipulate like a puppet on a string. Once you are in their grasp it is VERY, VERY difficult to get out. You'll find yourself feeling like your living the Stalk home Syndrome where you know you should get away, you know what this person is dong to you doesn't feel right, but you are conflicted because they drop you just enough crumbs to keep you sniffing down their trail, only to snare you in their net when you get there. You'll struggle to be free, once free you'll find yourself almost beyond your own comprehension back on that trail searching for the crumb you know is a trap. But, somehow you have a glimmer of hope that MAYBE this time that crumb will lead you to a full course meal that'll nourish you to fulfillment. It won't. You'll be left starving, tortured, miserable and feeling trapped & weak from the journey wishing you never would have stepped out into that battleground in the first place. I'd say run, like the plague is after you from this person. For that is what they are. I say this all the while still loving and having great compassion and concern for my beloved sociopath. However, my instinct for survival is stronger then my concern for him. I will also have compassion and be deeply saddened that this person has been born with a brain that doesn't allow him the full human experience. It's the hardest thing to swallow ever. The person I thought I knew, loved, and shared many experiences and moments with never existed. I mourn his loss, just as much as I weep for the one who is in his place unable to fully connect, love, feel joy or deep relationships the way most of society can. It is a tragedy beyond words
The narcissist will seem to have developed an emotional attachment to you rather quickly. Again, this is to ensure they'll be able to have their narcissistic supply met. The don't really feel any of the professed emotions they are expressing. They are playing a cat and mouse game with you. You of course are the mouse.
Psychopaths have a difficult time expressing true emotion, empathy or feeling. So, early on discuss deep emotional impactual topics. Don't allow them to get away with a superficial explanation. As meaningful questions. Try to get an opinion on topics such as politics. Psychopaths care very little about anything that doesn't directly involve them. Chances are he/she will find it difficult to have strong opinions one way or the other. They simply don't care.
Does this person have a string of short term relationships? This is a red flag.
Do they readily take responsibility for mistakes, or events in his/her life? When you have a disagreement or difference of opinion does this person appear to be offended, insulted, even angered by this? A psychopath takes differing opinion, thoughts and feelings, as personal attacks.
The following links will explain in more detail how to spot a psychopath/sociopath.
http://www.crisiscounseling.com/articles/psychopath.htm
Are You Involved With a Pychopath/Sociopath?
Before going to these next links, let me just say if you are a kind, compassionate, caring person who believes most people have the best of intentions and are as equally as caring as you. If you are a trusting person who generally puts the needs of others before yourself, then you are a prime target for a psychopath/sociopath. They don't live in the same mental state we do. Their moral compass is one you can't fathom in your wildest dreams. Because YOU are a person who has great empathy and capacity for love. Sociopaths/psychopaths at first appear to admire those traits and qualities in you greatly. Then they'll begin to resent you, loath you and torture you for those very same traits that they have no understanding or reference to comprehend.
Some Links to Take a Look at If You are Still Questioning Whether Your Suitor is a Sociopath/psychopath
If after checking this blog you think you may be dealing with a person with borderline personality proceed with extreme caution. These predators and I realize it is extremely hard to see the person in your life as a predator, but that is how he/she sees YOU if he/she truly is a sociopath/psychopath. You are prey to them. You are the next victim to control and manipulate like a puppet on a string. Once you are in their grasp it is VERY, VERY difficult to get out. You'll find yourself feeling like your living the Stalk home Syndrome where you know you should get away, you know what this person is dong to you doesn't feel right, but you are conflicted because they drop you just enough crumbs to keep you sniffing down their trail, only to snare you in their net when you get there. You'll struggle to be free, once free you'll find yourself almost beyond your own comprehension back on that trail searching for the crumb you know is a trap. But, somehow you have a glimmer of hope that MAYBE this time that crumb will lead you to a full course meal that'll nourish you to fulfillment. It won't. You'll be left starving, tortured, miserable and feeling trapped & weak from the journey wishing you never would have stepped out into that battleground in the first place. I'd say run, like the plague is after you from this person. For that is what they are. I say this all the while still loving and having great compassion and concern for my beloved sociopath. However, my instinct for survival is stronger then my concern for him. I will also have compassion and be deeply saddened that this person has been born with a brain that doesn't allow him the full human experience. It's the hardest thing to swallow ever. The person I thought I knew, loved, and shared many experiences and moments with never existed. I mourn his loss, just as much as I weep for the one who is in his place unable to fully connect, love, feel joy or deep relationships the way most of society can. It is a tragedy beyond words
So What Now?
I'm starting this blog as part of the healing process from having been in love with and been in a relationship with a sociopath for the last 8 years. It has been 8 years of utter hell; A roller coaster, a flood of tears, anger, confusion, misunderstanding, and questioning of everything I know to be true about myself and of human nature in general. Today, I'm just going to blog random thoughts as I process the events of the last 8 years. In the coming weeks I'll outline the timeline of the relationship, going over details of how it began, significant events, why I remained loyal to this man for so long (as best I can understand myself) and what has led me to believe I have been sleeping with and loving a sociopath for the better part of 8 years.
Today's "Ah hah!" moment. There are many such moments flooding my mind the past 24 hours as I've just discovered this about the man I've been loving for 8 years. I'll most be posting "Ah hah!" moments randomly throughout the day. These moments will hit me at the most inopportune times. Sometimes they bring me to my knees in a heap of weeping. Sometimes, they bring me healing and calm knowing IT WASN'T ME! Sometimes to pure devastation for the bleakness of this man's future and the misery I know he lives in day to day. I am no longer angry at him for all the misery he bestowed upon me, for all the hurtful, mean, spiteful, calculating words and actions hurled at me for the sheer pleasure of watching me suffer - The same way a lion anticipates the killing of his next meal, mouth watering, hunger burning, heart beating faster, breathing becoming quicker and the anticipation of what's to come is literally settling on his taste buds before he even take his first bit. The lion sees the prey. Wants to capture it, own it, covet it and devour it. First it enjoys the beauty of the gazelle it's about it begin torturing. Just wathing it's every move. Studying it. Observing and taking in it's stride, the length, the speed, the direction it's heading, watching with a gaze that almost seems statuesque. When the lion is sure it's calcuted the speed of the gazelle apporpriately, the length of it's stride accurately and is sure of the direction it's heading, the lion begins the cat & mouse chase it'll take with this creature that's blissfully unaware it's being watched and hunted down. The hunt is now underway. The lion gaining on the gazelle who is suddenly keenly aware that something bad is about to happen but still not seeing the lion it's oblivious to it's coming fate. All the gazelle's senses are heightened, as are those of the lion. They each share in the sudden crispening of the scents in the air, the sharpness of every echoe in the forest, the fast beating hearts, blood pumping energetically through each of their veins. Now is about the time the gazelle is aware there is a predator close at hand. It's never been in a fight for it's life before. It has no idea the lion has done this a million times and knows exactly what he is doing. He's had years to sharpen his skills and learn every technique to outrun and outsmart it's prey. The gazelle only knows when it senses danger it needs to run. So, this is what the gazelle begins to do. But, before she's able to pick up any speed at all the lion has her under his paw and is pouncing. The lion first knocks her unsteady so she's unable to run swiftly. She tries to gain her composure and escape the danger she now knows she's in. The lion finds her struggling almost humurous. He knows it's futile. She's seconds away from her demise and he is enjoying the power he now holds over her as he is able to knock her to the ground and take her in his strong jaws. At this point she is dazed and trying to alert her mind to what just happened and what is happening to her. All she's fully aware of is the fear overtaking her.
Then the lion drops the prey to the ground bleeding and injured and blames if for bleeding all over his clean beard and ground. Telling it is all the prey's fault. Had the prey not let him catch it he wouldn't have wrapped his mouth arounds it's neck. Had the prey not struggled, he never would have had to bite down and cut it with his sharp teeth or hold it down with his sharp claws. The lion then apologizes and sweetly smiles at the prey telling it to get up and run and play. "But, run faster next time because if I catch you again you'll just bleed all over me again. If you would't do that I wouldn't have to eat you alive." The lion tells it's prey. As the prey bewilderly looks at the lion, then toward the direction of freedom and back at the lion. Not sure whether to run for it's life, or stay put in the lions good graces while he's in a good mood, or maybe escape while the lion is sleeping? How can it out run the lion next time? How can it not struggle if it is captured? How can it keep the blood from dripping from the open wounds so as not to upset the lion anymore?
This is how my lover would become each time he was moving in for the kill of hurtful, harmful, utterly mean and cruel words and actions. Only to sit back and blame the prey for making him work too hard for the meal. This predator/prey scenerio is a good depiction of what it's like to live with and love a sociopath.
Me on the other hand being the victim see this "win" in an entirely different vantage point.I never would have struggled in the lions jaws had he never captured me in them in the first place I would have gladly out run him had I been warned he was coming ahead of time. I didn't want to be caught and devoured alive. I am in the fight for my life when I see this beast coming for me, when he does catch me and hold me in his grip I am momentarily stunned, unable to move, unsure whether to fight a battle I am sure to loose, or give in to his control. I choose to put forth the struggle of my life in hopes the lion will eventually tire of toying with me and let me go. When he does release me from his mighty jowles - and I drop to the ground at that moment I am unaware of where I am. I'm not clear if I'm dead or alive. Just as I'm beginning to come to my senses and realize I am in fact alive and out of the trenches of this lions sharp teeth he begins to roar at me for bleeding in his mouth and getting blood on his beard and ground. I want to apologize at first. I AM sorry for the lion does look an awful mess. I am hurting. But the lion did say it would have let me go had I not struggled so much. He also is giving me a chance now. He must have some compassion for me and empathy for my suffering. I am grateful to the lion for letting me go. I'm a bit stunned and confused, I do apologize for getting his beard messing with my blood. I'm somehow instinctually think it really is the lions fault for chopping on my flesh in the first place. But, I am confused. He didn't eat me and he could have. He didn't rip me to shreds and he could have. He's telling me I can get away next time. He must really be a kind lion after all. After briefly hesitating I start to run slowly at first thinking the lion might be playing a trick on me. When I see he has aquiest and is relaxing in the sun I pick up the pace and begin running as quickly as I can. Only to discover the lion is hot on my heels about ready to devour me again. All the while the lion isn't really going to kill me anytime soon. He's plenty full of himself and doesn't need a meal. He is utterly enjoying the chase though. Knowing full well he'll win every time. He wants more of a challenge. He hates me for "letting" myself get caught. He loves me for continuing to play his game. I am feeling dizzy like I'm running in circles getting nowhere.
Okay, in a nut shell. That has been me and my sociopathic lovers relationship over the past 8 years.
Next entry I'll hunt for (no pun intended) and post some clinical defintions of what a sociopath is. I'll follow that with the start of my life living with and loving the lion, aka sociopath
Today's "Ah hah!" moment. There are many such moments flooding my mind the past 24 hours as I've just discovered this about the man I've been loving for 8 years. I'll most be posting "Ah hah!" moments randomly throughout the day. These moments will hit me at the most inopportune times. Sometimes they bring me to my knees in a heap of weeping. Sometimes, they bring me healing and calm knowing IT WASN'T ME! Sometimes to pure devastation for the bleakness of this man's future and the misery I know he lives in day to day. I am no longer angry at him for all the misery he bestowed upon me, for all the hurtful, mean, spiteful, calculating words and actions hurled at me for the sheer pleasure of watching me suffer - The same way a lion anticipates the killing of his next meal, mouth watering, hunger burning, heart beating faster, breathing becoming quicker and the anticipation of what's to come is literally settling on his taste buds before he even take his first bit. The lion sees the prey. Wants to capture it, own it, covet it and devour it. First it enjoys the beauty of the gazelle it's about it begin torturing. Just wathing it's every move. Studying it. Observing and taking in it's stride, the length, the speed, the direction it's heading, watching with a gaze that almost seems statuesque. When the lion is sure it's calcuted the speed of the gazelle apporpriately, the length of it's stride accurately and is sure of the direction it's heading, the lion begins the cat & mouse chase it'll take with this creature that's blissfully unaware it's being watched and hunted down. The hunt is now underway. The lion gaining on the gazelle who is suddenly keenly aware that something bad is about to happen but still not seeing the lion it's oblivious to it's coming fate. All the gazelle's senses are heightened, as are those of the lion. They each share in the sudden crispening of the scents in the air, the sharpness of every echoe in the forest, the fast beating hearts, blood pumping energetically through each of their veins. Now is about the time the gazelle is aware there is a predator close at hand. It's never been in a fight for it's life before. It has no idea the lion has done this a million times and knows exactly what he is doing. He's had years to sharpen his skills and learn every technique to outrun and outsmart it's prey. The gazelle only knows when it senses danger it needs to run. So, this is what the gazelle begins to do. But, before she's able to pick up any speed at all the lion has her under his paw and is pouncing. The lion first knocks her unsteady so she's unable to run swiftly. She tries to gain her composure and escape the danger she now knows she's in. The lion finds her struggling almost humurous. He knows it's futile. She's seconds away from her demise and he is enjoying the power he now holds over her as he is able to knock her to the ground and take her in his strong jaws. At this point she is dazed and trying to alert her mind to what just happened and what is happening to her. All she's fully aware of is the fear overtaking her.
Then the lion drops the prey to the ground bleeding and injured and blames if for bleeding all over his clean beard and ground. Telling it is all the prey's fault. Had the prey not let him catch it he wouldn't have wrapped his mouth arounds it's neck. Had the prey not struggled, he never would have had to bite down and cut it with his sharp teeth or hold it down with his sharp claws. The lion then apologizes and sweetly smiles at the prey telling it to get up and run and play. "But, run faster next time because if I catch you again you'll just bleed all over me again. If you would't do that I wouldn't have to eat you alive." The lion tells it's prey. As the prey bewilderly looks at the lion, then toward the direction of freedom and back at the lion. Not sure whether to run for it's life, or stay put in the lions good graces while he's in a good mood, or maybe escape while the lion is sleeping? How can it out run the lion next time? How can it not struggle if it is captured? How can it keep the blood from dripping from the open wounds so as not to upset the lion anymore?
This is how my lover would become each time he was moving in for the kill of hurtful, harmful, utterly mean and cruel words and actions. Only to sit back and blame the prey for making him work too hard for the meal. This predator/prey scenerio is a good depiction of what it's like to live with and love a sociopath.
Me on the other hand being the victim see this "win" in an entirely different vantage point.I never would have struggled in the lions jaws had he never captured me in them in the first place I would have gladly out run him had I been warned he was coming ahead of time. I didn't want to be caught and devoured alive. I am in the fight for my life when I see this beast coming for me, when he does catch me and hold me in his grip I am momentarily stunned, unable to move, unsure whether to fight a battle I am sure to loose, or give in to his control. I choose to put forth the struggle of my life in hopes the lion will eventually tire of toying with me and let me go. When he does release me from his mighty jowles - and I drop to the ground at that moment I am unaware of where I am. I'm not clear if I'm dead or alive. Just as I'm beginning to come to my senses and realize I am in fact alive and out of the trenches of this lions sharp teeth he begins to roar at me for bleeding in his mouth and getting blood on his beard and ground. I want to apologize at first. I AM sorry for the lion does look an awful mess. I am hurting. But the lion did say it would have let me go had I not struggled so much. He also is giving me a chance now. He must have some compassion for me and empathy for my suffering. I am grateful to the lion for letting me go. I'm a bit stunned and confused, I do apologize for getting his beard messing with my blood. I'm somehow instinctually think it really is the lions fault for chopping on my flesh in the first place. But, I am confused. He didn't eat me and he could have. He didn't rip me to shreds and he could have. He's telling me I can get away next time. He must really be a kind lion after all. After briefly hesitating I start to run slowly at first thinking the lion might be playing a trick on me. When I see he has aquiest and is relaxing in the sun I pick up the pace and begin running as quickly as I can. Only to discover the lion is hot on my heels about ready to devour me again. All the while the lion isn't really going to kill me anytime soon. He's plenty full of himself and doesn't need a meal. He is utterly enjoying the chase though. Knowing full well he'll win every time. He wants more of a challenge. He hates me for "letting" myself get caught. He loves me for continuing to play his game. I am feeling dizzy like I'm running in circles getting nowhere.
Okay, in a nut shell. That has been me and my sociopathic lovers relationship over the past 8 years.
Next entry I'll hunt for (no pun intended) and post some clinical defintions of what a sociopath is. I'll follow that with the start of my life living with and loving the lion, aka sociopath
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